Dealing with a narcissist? Come over here for some support.

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I just wanted to make this thread as a bit of help and support for anyone who’s dealing with a narcissist.
I’ve just come out of a covert narcissist friendship and struggle to find any support groups so leaving this here for anyone who feels they need it.

Yes it took a long long time. There was a blog that’s closed now it was great it was all about friendship issues and a lot about this kind of stuff. Unfortunately closed now. I don’t know if it applies to you but it was real queen bee stuff except in adult form and there is a bit on that if you google. Don’t get me wrong 3 years on it is soooo awkward but that is on her I would have happily said a polite hello etc . Sometimes I do enjoy deliberately saying hello as I know it stresses her more than me lol

To be fair if the families hadn’t been so entangled I’d have made the break without a backward glance. It all culminated not long after my dad had died and I just thought I’m done with this group. The bitching coupled with the covert operations of the queen bee narc were too much. Sorry to hear you are going through this it is like a break up and it is hard for others to understand xx

One thing I've been trying to do is hold my head high. It's hard when you see people around that you know the narc has been running you down to. You've done nothing wrong and don't need to explain yourself to anyone. I've felt shame at how gullible I was and guilt about what he's done to the kids. It's unimaginable that someone could treat their partner/best friend the way these predators do and that's how they get their claws in. Us decent people who'd never run our nearest and dearest down simply can't understand someone that doing that. Must be us right?! You question everything.

My ex and father of my child is a complete narcissist and has been emotionally bullying me for years. Sadly I haven't learnt to deal with it properly but I'm trying. Got a court case looming that he instigated. Just feel I won't ever truly be free of him. His ails and texts send me into an almost panic attack just seeing his name in my inbox.

So true teal you feel absolutely stupid for getting sucked in and you want to tell people it’s them not me but as you say head high that’s the best course :-)

I had a friendship with a narc. It has been over 1 year since any contract. To say I feel so much lighter in life is an understatement. We were friends for over 40 years, but it was in the last 8 years or so, that it came to the forefront. She was always the victim, everyone always had a better life than her!!! Dreaded the phone or text messaging as it was constant. She was very good at playing the victim. Always made you feel inferior. So glad I got out of this relationship. She was sucking the life out of me. In the end, it was her mental health or mine, I choose mine. It was weird at first, especially as she only lives about 5 minutes away from me. I left the gym we both went too, have not been to any pubs we may have gone to. But apart from
2020 been the worst year, losing people close to me to Covid and been made redundant, I still feel lighter without her in my life. In all honesty I don’t know what I would have done going though 2020 with her in my life!!!. As I said earlier in my post, I chose my mental health and sanity, over her’s and I have no regrets. It’s inwards and upwards.

Oh I wish someone would come take him out of my life ??

I'm currently financially trapped with no one! Just hit a brick wall mentally and physically of what to do next?
I pay every single bill of the house but the mortgage is solely in his name so iv no rights to stay here even though I pay it alone. Once iv paid the bills I'm left with £70 for the rest of the month for myself and 3 kids. He keeps all of his wages and pays just for his car and insurance ?
£70 a month will take me years to save up enoigh to leave !

Brick walllllll

Hi everyone x

He phones me and basically just rants about whatever he feels is shit in his life.
He was traveling to a new job last Saturday. Phoned me at the airport to day he's not doing it, it's stupid and will hand his notice in.
Monday first day of the job, complaining again. Saying he's to good to do this job, knows more about it than all of the blokes he's working with put together..
Then he was getting on ok so no calls. Never asks if I'm ok just rants.
He's been out drinking tonight. Phoned me while drunk. Sounded annoyed and said I'm a bit drunk, I'm worried about something I will call you tomorrow. I asked what's up? He just sighed and said I'll call tomorrow. He's emotionally draining and gives nothing back

To say*

That sounds like hell @spidermomma

Do you have a trail to show you've covered all the expenses? He must have a very hefty bank balance!!

I do hope there is some legal recourse for you. Where I live (Australia) just the fact that you've both resided in the house for x time, the fact you've been paying all the expenses and his savings would all be taken into account and split accordingly. If you've had children and taken time from work or worked part time then that's weighted in your favour too.

@TealSapphire I had to leave work as when I was on maternity with my dc3 about to give birth 2 of my other children suddenly got a severe illness and now I have to care for them 24/7. He put himself down as their carer so I don't get any extra help financially as this is now my full time job really? As much as I am a mum I was working also so we had a comfy life. Now I'm just getting by daily it's not nice and it hurts knowing he can easily go spent 900 on a coat for himself and I don't even have any money to get bread and milk ? But I do have proof I pay everything we've been together 9 years nearly but the household bills all get paid by me, he pays his own car and insurance bht his monthly income is the hi end of 4 figures..... hate to see his savings. I'd be sick x

@spidermomma - have you tried contacting Women’s Aid? They’ll find a way to help you. That’s no way to live. I know, I’ve been there sadly.

What did you ladies do if your situation ended up in court? Did you have legal representation?
I have been trying to get myself legal representation - I don't quite qualify for legal aid apparently but really can't' afford the numbers quoted. The cheapest I've found is a not for profit one but even then I've been quoted £400 for the hearing (and that's just the first hearing!) plus £100 odd an hour. I don't know how people are meant to defend themselves without spending a fortune. I know I could represent myself but my narcissistic ex has completely damaged me and eroded my confidence that I don't think I can do with so much at stake.

I fortunately qualified for legal aid.. But if I didn't I would've saved my money for a direct access barrister and self represented. Try DV assist they are a DV charity they help with people representing themselves.

Thanks pebbledashery x

Don't take a chance without a barrister. You should be OK at the first hearing. But further into it you'll definitely need a barrister x

Hello thanks for starting the thread, can I join please... Trying to divorce a prime narc whose main interests are gaslighting, saying one thing in public then doing the complete opposite, and intimidating the kids if they disagree with him.

It helps knowing there are others going through this but also a bit depressing there are so many...

Can I join please. My stbxh and the ow who is now my xbestmate are both narcissists. It will be a competition as to who is the biggest victim in all this.

@LargeProsecco I could have written your post. Yes there must be a large factory churning them out somewhere. Maybe there's a user manual we can download?

How do those of you whose narc ex's constantly lie in court deal with it? It takes every shred of my energy, I just feel like I'm running round in circles getting nowhere when I want to be thinking about fun stuff and happy lives for the children.

Hey, just wanted to say thanks for coming on. Can't believe there are so many. It must be so hard on those you who have children or going through divorce. Xx

@Alys20 my ex is lying through his stupid teeth.. He even wrote in his statement he's victim of all the behaviours I'm accusing him of. He's so full of shit it makes me so angry.

@pebbledashery, mine is doing exactly that... He actually wrote in the pleadings that I "ruined his career" when he refused point blank to get any qualifications, at all, or seek any better job or do anything except scrounge off the career I built up from nothing. He is delusional.
There is clearly a script for these people, just like the cheaters on the Relationships section.

I agree, they are delusional & believe their own lies.

If you are an honest & decent person with integrity, being on the end of lies & manipulation is horrific.

The only option is to use the legal process to hold them to account & get away (easier said than done though).

My ex has such a nasty and twisted barrister. The judge agreed with pretty much everything she said. Being the Respondent mother.. His barrister got to speak first.. The judge just didn't listen to my barrister at all. But I'm confident.. The police and social services have documented the abuse and he was investigated for child abuse also. So I hope the evidence speaks for itself. Cafcass appeared to be on our side when they did the safeguarding letter. My ex is currently getting supervised contact for one hour a week with the use of an independent social worker.. I'm worried his Barrister will ask her to write the section 7..i won't agree to that at all.

Unfortunately I resisted legal process for years because of what it would be like, and I was right: just as you can't mediate with an abuser: once they get to court they just lie and lie, and it depends who the judge decides to believe. Also I firmly believe that court is no place for a family dispute because of what Pebbledashery just said: it cannot be adversarial when there are children involved. In all of this the poor children are the ones caught in the middle while the lawyers argue. It's a horrible, destructive system and the courts have zero concept of what narcissistic or hostile parents actually do to their own children.

When we split I thought the narc would calm down if I stopped arguing, gave him absolutely everything including his demand for having the children in his country: I thought a tug of war would irreversibly damage them and that even the narc would see that.

But he ramped it up even more, he's on a vendetta and just wants to destroy me, there's no logical reason why he would do what he does. And they're supported by their toxic lawyers who lie on their behalf, sometimes even when there's documentary evidence staring them in the face proving that their client's a total liar.

It's about getting them to expose themselves for what they are, to other people. But by the time that's happened you are usually worn out with it all.

I have met two manual narcissists in my life: one, a close friend, the other one, my step mum.

What I regret the most is that it took me years to realise what the dynamics of the relationship was like. They belittled me and humilated me, they always made me feel as if they were superior and their lives were more worth living than mine, they portrayed themselves as wonderful, and I believed them for a while, but the reality is that they only care about themselves.

They just want to be the centre of attention and control the people around them in subtle and not so subtle ways. They badmouth you behind your back, so they destroy other friendships or relationships you might have.

They are always the victim and they make it look as if they have a higher moral ground over you. They make you feel as if you owe them something all the time. They are draining, and they don't leave anything positive in your life, other than heartbreak.

My advice is to cut all ties, learn from the experience and if you ever come across anybody who shows narcissistic traits, run a mile.

You don't need to be trained in psychology to spot a narcissist. It's a personality disorder that is not treated like other disorders like bipolar or borderline personality disorder, as in most cases these people are fully functional members of society and they usually have professional success, so it is very hard to see them as mentally ill.

They are not mentally ill either, they are just toxic and manipulative people whose thirst for power and control destroys all relationships around you, together with your sense of self and self worth.