It's been awhile since my run in with someone who appeared to have a lot of narcissistic traits. I agree people with narcissistic personality disorder can't be diagnosed by anyone other than highly qualified health professionals. However I think it is fair to say that all of us have narcissistic traits to some degree or another, and in some people these traits are quite pronounced, whether they would fulfil the criteria for a diagnosis or not.
What I found most useful was that as soon as I understood more about narcissism, all of a sudden behaviour that had been so confusing and bewildering to me, made sense. Whether she's actually got a personality disorder or not, who knows. But what I do know is that I was far better equipped in dealing with her and responding to her in a way that protected me, when I saw her behaviours through the prism of narcissism. I felt forewarned and forearmed.
Mine was a friend, someone who lived not far from me. She was charming, engaging, lovely and kind initially. Showed a real interest and messaged a lot. She was materialistic and competitive...however it initially didn't seem like too much of a bad point in comparison to the good.
But then the cracks appeared. Couldn't tolerate differences of opinion. Ever. Despite best efforts to avoid certain topics of conversation, she would return to these differences of opinion over and over again when most people usually drop it to keep the peace. She also had to be involved in everything and know everything. Queen Bee.
Over time she became very spiteful. Would post messages publicly on social media that, on the surface of it to anyone not involved in the situation seemed perfectly fine, or even nice. But if you knew what she was talking about it was very clear she was having a dig. You also knew that if you responded to her 'dig' in any way and called her out on it, she'd be innocent-faced and to do the whole 'but I was only saying...' schtick and you'd look petty and over-emotional.
And it wasn't just one dig that would be easy to overlook/rise above - she'd do it constantly, drip, drip, drip, trying to get a reaction. There was no end to it. I ended up filled with dread every time her name pinged on my phone or came up on my news feed.
She stirred constantly and positively delighted in upsetting people and winding them up. She loved it, it was fuel for her. She appeared to show empathy to others but once you knew her you could see it wasn't genuine, and she was merely endearing herself to someone or making herself look good/noble.
I can't say I dealt with it perfectly. I made myself look a fool to some people who only knew her in the charming stages and believed her victim narrative.
But once I realised how toxic an effect she had on me, I just started ignoring her. Blocked her on social media. Point blank refused to engage. I know for some this may feed a narcissist even more and I'm very aware I looked rude and childish to some people. But it meant she didn't have any avenues to say anything to me, so she couldn't have a dig. I stepped away from people who couldn't see her for what she was. This lasted for a couple of years. She's gone on since to fall out with others. Hasn't learned a thing.
My self esteem has been through the floor the last couple of years and I'm pretty sure this experience has had a role to play in that.
I've recently felt in a more neutral space so have started saying hi to her when I see her, but I keep my distance, don't stop, and engage with her on my terms only. I'm happy with that.
No way am I getting involved in that sort of circus again, ever.