Dealing with a narcissist? Come over here for some support.

[fluffynotebook]

I just wanted to make this thread as a bit of help and support for anyone who’s dealing with a narcissist.
I’ve just come out of a covert narcissist friendship and struggle to find any support groups so leaving this here for anyone who feels they need it.

Reading through some of these, I feel for those of you who have to keep in contact with your narcissist, especially due to children

@RoseMartha I know that feeling exactly.
There is always a come back, we are always wrong, they always know better, always a reason to argue and deflect from themselves.
I feel your frustration

Narcynoo thanks for sharing! Sounds like the narcissist I know! It's so infuriating when you know what they're doing but to an outsider they don't even notice.
Just little things, for example turning a blind eye when approaching her in school playground. Nipping to a shop together and they walk a few steps ahead and can never engage in eye contact. Being so lovely to other people and so belittling to victims. The list goes on.

@fluffynotebook totally! That's what really surprised me the most - how lonely it can be when a narcissist has their crosshairs focussed on you. Luckily for me there were some other people who did see it so I knew it wasn't just me misinterpreting or misunderstanding her. I think the ones that I found hardest were the people who did see some of her awful stirring but always seemed to overlook it or give her the benefit of the doubt, I suppose because they weren't the target so couldn't grasp how relentless and insidious it was. They were good people, just naive imo.

Sorry, editing error in that second last sentence!

I’m in the process of divorcing one after 16 long & shitty years together. He plays the nice guy but is a complete arsehole behind closed doors, has beat me in front of my kids & held a knife to my throat in front of our disabled son. Trying to force me out of our kids life & trying to get the court agree on primary carer for himself. The shit he tells his solicitor is mind blowing. He is the king of the silent treatment & and all in all a grade A cunt!

@LargeProsecco that sounds so familiar .

So far this week he has verbally and emotionally abused me in front of the kids twice and then makes out he is the victim. Was telling me what to do in my own home today. I think he forgets he is not married to me anymore or lives with me either.

I am so upset that if i hold my hand out I am still visibly shaking from yesterdays and today's encounter.

So sorry to both pp's that you're dealing with these types. Can only hope you get some strength from knowing you aren't alone. I hope you're both doing Mindblowing shit also being told to solicitors here, by the tyrant that thinks he's god's gift to fatherhood..

Today the narc announced via text that his 22yo gf (he's 48 👍👍) has just arrived from Cuba and is happily quarantining for 14 days in the very small flat he insists on keeping 2 of my kids in. They are also in semi-lockdown, I think tier 2 equivalent for uk. Youngest age 9 arrives from school today on my access day having not showered or changed clothes since Friday which was my last access day. Youngest can't stand the gf and says the narc is on phone all day and ignores her. But according to him no it's all fine and I'm just making his life difficult.

Roll on court hearing in 3 months, I'm logging all this.

@Alys20 - I'm logging too.

Last night I arrived home at 5,30pm - no sign of Dad of the Year, who is working from home.

I give kids tea, get them showered, do homework.

It's then 8pm & it turns out DOTY has been sleeping upstairs in his room.

He reads DD stories at 8.30 & that's his parenting done for the day - give the man a medal!

Spider momma I have just left a similar situation. I paid everything but the mortgage. Supported him through illness and unemployment. Not married. I am having to fight him legally as in his tiny mind he thinks he is entitled to it all. He hates being told what to do by solicitors. Still trying to assert control by turning up where I am living with his son and after virtually throwing me out of the house trying to be nice. Despised by his own children ( my stepchildren) . Can you speak to Shelter about your options for finding somewhere to live ? Good luck . I know how hard it is.

Not many other people like my narcissist ex (the one with 3 privately commissioned life size artworks of himself) or are taken in by him either.

Men in particular see through him. So many times when I was out in public with him, other men would try and chat to me, or I'd catch them giving me sympathetic, prolonged glances. Ex was doing anything either, probably just his usual shifty eyed glancing around for the next best thing whole ignoring me.

I don't think that ex has developed as good a cover up layer as some narc's because he had a very good upbringing and was very spoilt. Also doesn't have to work for a living and has a trust fund and no mortgage. ie if they have to fit in to hold down a job, they put more effort into coming across well. That said, he was literally the perfect man when I was with him, right up until the very moment he discarded me for my replacement! And that surprised me, because before I started going out with him, I thought he was good looking but there was something off about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

I'm still in sporadic text contact with him. To my shame, I was quite rude about the new girlfriend's appearance and lack of employment, and he didn't even pull me up on my comments, just talked about himself and tried to pretend he was a nice guy struggling with what he had done. But saved me from him "not treati g me right".

There really is something off about him. Every time I see a TV programme about a psychopath serial killer, it reminds me of him. The recent Denis Neilston documentary was almost like watching a programme partly made about him. Right down to the way he can't be bothered to speak in proper sentences or pronounce his words fully.

My ex is far better looking and well spoken than Denis Nelson, but he gives me the feeling that I wouldn't be entirely surprised one day to read about him in the papers one day. He's painfully aware of this and leads quite a solitary life - my replacement is a FWB that he keeps secret. I only know about her because he couldn't resist the pleasure he got from telling me that he had moved into someone else.

I've found what works for me in dealing with it is to treat him like a specimen and study him from a distance, and not to regard him or expect him to behave like a normal human being.

Hi. Can I ask how a narcissist reacts when supply is cut off . For example, if a narcissist moves on having destroyed a partner but keeps that partner on the hook while they move onto another relationship , how does the narcissist react when the ex partner sees the light and decides to cut contact completely by blocking on every platform and having no access to that person who they used as their fall back . Thanks. Hope it makes sense!!!!

@GreenlandTheMovie
Not many other people like my narcissist ex (the one with 3 privately commissioned life size artworks of himself) or are taken in by him either
This just says it all!!

spottymasks

I'm 4 years on and my xh continues to be vile. Accused me of abuse, ferocious written notes, filling the kids heads with shit.

Thanks for response @OhioOhioOhio . I ask because I've just realised that I am still available , not physical but emotionally to my natc ex and wonder what will happen when he realises that I have blocked him on all forms of contact because there is no need for contact anymore. He likes to keep me as his back up plan I think. Sadly I allowed myself to be completely treated like rubbish and he was very emotionally abisive . I think he knows he has that power . Any ideas what could happen. I'm a bit scared tbh.

You have to accept that the person you are loyal to does not actually exist. I don't let mine see me. I will never speak to him again. I don't give him an inch. I'm as hard as nails about it. Grey rock. Grey rock. Grey rock.

Can I join in please. Been divorced 10 years but we have late teens children and I’m still having to put up with a certain amount of his behaviour. Will this ever end?

Just had another half hour on the phone to my solicitor - that will cost me 😖

She is fighting for me but it's not cheap.

And I've been offered a job an hour away but not sure if I can accept it as he doesn't want me to go with DC. Am sure he would use the court process to prevent me going.

Urgh. We are never free of these fuckwitts!

@LargeProsecco what did your sol say about the job offer? You can use the court process instead, to prevent him from being a controlling arsehole.

Assuming the kids' lives won't be adversely affected?

Remember he will obstruct every single decision, thought, dream, idea and plan you have for the children from now on, for no other reason than it was your idea. Have faith in yourself.

I'm not looking forward to things like wanting to take DD on holiday etc. I've already told myself I'm not going to inform him when I do school applications. I'll say I'm estranged from her father. Parental responsibility gives these bastards control over us.

@spottymasks

Hi. Can I ask how a narcissist reacts when supply is cut off . For example, if a narcissist moves on having destroyed a partner but keeps that partner on the hook while they move onto another relationship , how does the narcissist react when the ex partner sees the light and decides to cut contact completely by blocking on every platform and having no access to that person who they used as their fall back . Thanks. Hope it makes sense!!!!

Hey, good question! I think it depends on the type of narcissist you're dealing with. Someone in my family was an overt narcissist, so basically turned up on the doorstep a few times ranting vile abuse but a lot of it was just foul words and nothing behind it as she was just a shell of a person. She didn't know how to react when confronted. The narc I'm dealing with at the moment is covert so have been dealing with the silent treatment, mind games, triangulation etc. This one is a bit more tricky though because although I'm trying to detach emotionally I still have to see her during school run. I normally just say hello and walk on. But either way they don't like it because you're basically starving them of their 'oxygen', but stuff that! We deserve better than to be treated in that way. Xx

@Alys20 - yes, they would sadly have to move away from their friends & change schools. I am gutted for them.

It will take 8-12 m for the court process to work; so I cannot start the job & am trapped here.

But the other option is to fritter away my separation settlement on rent, which will leave me unable to buy in the area. I earn 23K & a cheap fake here is 250-300K.

I still don't think he'll agree

@LargeProsecco it's a tough one. I'm resigned to renting for life due to the situation his constant attacks have put me in. Wouldn't have imagined in a million years that a human being could do this to another human, let alone their own kids.

If I had a chance of buying though it might be worth sticking it out... If you have support locally?

I'm so sorry I've only skimmed through this thread but I think I have recently met a narcassist and I need a hand hold.
It's been such an intense two months with him. It feels like the typical idealise, devalue, discard cycle. I've had him love bombing me and we're now into the devalue where it's like he's a different person. He's not very empathetic at all, thinks he's God's gift at everything, thinks he can do no wrong. I've been sucked in and for something that's only been eight weeks I know I need to get out. How the hell did I get myself into this mess? the intensity has been like a push pull. Thank you for reading.

I've got family support where the job is, but none here.

I have some really good friends here, and I love my job & colleagues - but I don't think it can be done from an economic point of view.

It's just a shit situation all round.