Self employment and family life

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

It's long, sorry, but I want views as I'm getting very frustrated with the impact on our family life.
I work full time, compressed hours and am the main earner. I work 40 hours a week but compressed hours. Dp is self employed but works all the time. Every evening and every Weekend unless we have his kids, my step kids. If just us and our joint child then he works all weekend. His job is linked to his hobby and he doesn't earn much, per hour (less than min wage).
Just for completeness. The house was mine pre relationship and owned by me, so low living costs. Dp contributes 350 a month for everything except food as he buys his own as is very weird about food and car, this includes the childcare bill for nursery. He says this is expensive cost of living (for him and 3 step kids plus our joint child-madness as I think it's crazy cheap)
I feel I never ever get any time as a family or couple. I work 6am till 4 x 4 days a week. I have my son after 4 every day and days I don't work I have him all day alone.
Dp will hve him once a month or so for weekend if I go away or out with friends, but this is restricted to when he has the other kids.
If he does watch him then he will work the entire time, doesn't take him out of the house and works on his laptop throughout.
I have raised my concerns and he says it's normal for self employed people and not his fault as he needs to work as tats way it is.
Is this normal? Our joint child is a toddler and I'm concerned Dp will miss his life if he keeps on how he is.

OP, it can be hard when you are self employed, I am , and I do often work weekends, especially at the moment in the profession that I am in BUT....

your DP is managing to take time off when he has his other DC, so he could take time off for you and your DS.

There is a fear, often, when self employed, that you have to take every job offered, as there might not be another one , but it is a bad trap to fall into.

I am a single parent, but I make sure that I take time off for DC as it would not be fair on them if I didn't.

You need to find a way to discuss this with him, to ensure that you get family time together. I have seen several marriages break up where the father, won't make time for the family and the wife gets sick of it and leaves/kicks them out.

I think that he needs to agree a time with you, where he stops work for the day and has a family meal and spends time with you, and the same at the weekend. Maybe work the morning if a rush/important job on, but take the afternoon off.

Thanks, I get it that he wants to work, but it's so destructive to my and dc relationship with him. I've tried being firm over times but it never seems to happen

TBH I don't think he is interested in having a relationship with you and your joint child. He is indulging himself in a little paying hobby job!

I would ask him to move out, the resentment of his lack of effort would eat me up.

My partner is exactly the same he has two different jobs and works the most changeable, unsociable hours, for himself and by himself so he is literally always on call. We have DC of six months and he must spend a total of an hour a day with her. Never can take time off, can’t ever imagine the three of us going on holiday! I think in our whole time together in 2.5 years we’ve been away for the night once it’s so frustrating - I know he works hard to provide for us but sometimes I wish he had a day off - even if it wasn’t a weekend - i’d he happy with a bloody Monday! So I can’t offer a solution just a hand hold I get how frustrating and upsetting it is

He contributes £350 and declines to spend time with you and his dc.
His hobby is also a badly paid job.
I can't see the point of your relationship tbh.
What do you get from this man?

Aaah another hobby job post, l haven’t seen one for a while. No offence but lm confused about why you subsidise him so much. It’s classic cocklodger. It’s interesting he downs tools and is present for his children but can’t be bothered for your child together. Sorry to not be more sympathetic but you see loads of these posts and despair. How did he manipulate you into this position?!

OP....you're in the midst of a 21st Century epidemic of men who want to be looked after. Who don't want to commit. Who want YOU to be the main bread winner/sorter-outer/emotional punchbag/ etc etc.
Get out.
Get a life
And thrive.

Thanks everyone. He does want to comitt and get married etc, it's me who doesn't. He does do some things and honestly I have a strong work ethic so I get it but I question the sanity of doing this at expensive of everything else.
Beatiful toddler was a surprise, but I adore him. Bit sad he won't have a sibling but I can't afford to fund a bigger house etc alone so that's not going to happen.
I agree setting expectations in stone are the only way so dinner as a family twice a week or every Sunday from lunchtime is family time or something is possibly the way forward if he will sick to it.
Working constantly isn't healthy.

What are his prospects in this "job"? How long has he been doing it? What is his plan with it?

I have workaholic tendencies but one really does need to put up boundaries and commit to Saturdays/evenings/whatever being family time. I'm not sure I'd put up with it for much longer tbh.

Sounds to me like your DP has absolutely no intention of stepping up to the plate when it comes to the boring issues of child-rearing duties and putting food on the table.

Sounds like he's got it pretty much all sewn up from his point of view. Why should he have to give his precious time and concentration to his toddler when he's got you there? Why should he have to address earning shit money because he has you to pick up the slack?

Cheeky fucker. He needs a serious reality check.

Oh, god, don’t marry him! Protect your house, your income and your pension!

If he wants to show commitment let him do it by taking equal responsibility for your child. At the moment you are supporting him to support 3 kids while you can’t afford a second. He isn’t a partner, he is a glorified lodger. He shows more interest in his hobby (it’s cycling, isn’t it?) than he does in you or your child and he is happy for you to be his workhorse.

I would probably try some intervention, maybe sitting down for a formal meeting about how your household runs, maybe insisting in time to yourself on non-contact weekends, and family time.

But you shouldn’t have to issue ultimatums for these things.

The food, the hobby obsession ...

I don’t really know what to suggest but you are right to be angry, frustrated and disappointed.

Done job over 5 years, but under 10. Prospects I can't see how it will ever earn profit rather than turnover, to put him at over 12 to15k a year.
He has 4 children, 3 from previous marriage, hence house issues.
He feels our normal sized 3 bed is too small but can't afford to contribute to mortgage on larger home.
I've suggested I rnet this out and we rent a big 4 bed as the rent fork this would cover half costs of a 4 bed eg my share but he couldnt afford to pay his share. 4 beds round here are 1200 to 1400 a months before bills.
I know money isn't everything but it's frustrating.

He needs to re evaluate the business and condense his work hours to suit the family. If this doesn't suit his particular job then that needs to change. He can't just Fanny about wasting time fir no profit at the cost of your relationship.

Not cycling but is sports related! I have formal paperwork to proetcet my assets, not romantic but that's life. His business is also protected so I have no claim. So fair ish.
Sensible adult discussions I agree are required!

I've seen this so many times on here. A badly paid (sub minimum wage) job which takes the man away from family life and domestic responsibilities. Normally with the woman supporting it in a better paid full time job. Fair enough as you build a buisness you might put lots in and get less out but long term if you are doing this it's not sustainable as a buisness.

Would he not be better off getting a 9 to 5 job? Even at minimum wage he'd be earning more surely?

Why did he have 4 children if he didn’t intend to pay his share in raising them? I like the way he criticises your house but won’t earn sufficiently to get somewhere bigger. Can’t he get a proper job and do his hobby in his spare time like most people do?

Just saw your update. Working all the hours god sends for under 12k is bonkers. He's being selfish. Which is a massively unappealing trait.

He needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities. What child support does he pay for his other children? You need him to start contributing more and certainly don't marry him you're his meal ticket!

@Plussizejumpsuit exactly, hence my cynicism. Why did his first marriage end?

Fair enough if it’s a new venture, l know new businesses can take time to get going. But it sounds like this is as good as it gets. So a lifetime of having to bring home the bacon and subsiding his hobby job If it was me l would set a deadline of it earning a decent profit and if not he gets a real job. Then no more hiding away from family life and him doing his share financially and practically.

People often say l could do a job connected to one of my hobbies. I am fairly sure l could do it but it would mean a major cut for a while, maybe even forever. So l have never made that leap, have a permanent job and fit the hobby job in as and when between other commitments

You'd be able to afford a second child if you booted the 'd'p out...

OP, I'm self-employed precisely because I'm temperamentally unemployable it fits in around family life. Less than min wage per hour, presumably can't afford to pay into a pension. He'd be better off doing literally anything else - like everyone else, I could understand it if these were the 'hard yards' and would lead to financial success down the line, but this really is madness. I second @WhatKatyDidNxt's suggestion of a deadline. This whole situation is grossly unfair on you and all DCs concerned.

How much would you be saving if he was doing childcare rather than his hobby job?

The person he prioritises is himself, then his older DC then your DS and I'm not sure you even get a look in...

He's massively freeloading. £350 is a minuscule amount to pay for housing, all utilities and towards the joint child.

You're basically supporting him, carrying him so he can potter about with his hobby job that doesn't earn a living wage.

I'd say if he wants to get married and move he needs to get an actual job.

Whatever you do don’t marry him and risk losing half your house! He isn’t pulling his weight. He got lucky with you! He thinks £350 is expensive cost of living!!! What universe is he living in. I think the only way you’re going to solve this is to insist he lives somewhere else. He’d then have to sort himself out. He’d also have to step up and look after his child or never see him. You don’t have to split but insist he supports himself. I don’t see the point of your relationship to be honest. It just sounds like hard work for you

He really needs to take a long, hard look at his business model. There's lots of info online and from places like your local chamber of commerce. There's a rate you need to earn for the life you want to live, sort of thing - and if you can't ever reach that rate then you'll never have a profitable business. For example, I'm a copywriter. If I wrote blog posts I'd have to write ten posts to earn the same as I can earn working with a corporate client. So I work for corporate clients. If I've no corporate work I don't chase for blog posts because I'd rather do something else with my time than fill it with such poorly-paid work. I work fewer hours than many, but at a higher rate, in essence.

If he's not willing to go through this process (which I've condensed massively) then he's using his business as a hobby and a way to avoid family life. That would be a dealbreaker to me.