Self employment and family life

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

It's long, sorry, but I want views as I'm getting very frustrated with the impact on our family life.
I work full time, compressed hours and am the main earner. I work 40 hours a week but compressed hours. Dp is self employed but works all the time. Every evening and every Weekend unless we have his kids, my step kids. If just us and our joint child then he works all weekend. His job is linked to his hobby and he doesn't earn much, per hour (less than min wage).
Just for completeness. The house was mine pre relationship and owned by me, so low living costs. Dp contributes 350 a month for everything except food as he buys his own as is very weird about food and car, this includes the childcare bill for nursery. He says this is expensive cost of living (for him and 3 step kids plus our joint child-madness as I think it's crazy cheap)
I feel I never ever get any time as a family or couple. I work 6am till 4 x 4 days a week. I have my son after 4 every day and days I don't work I have him all day alone.
Dp will hve him once a month or so for weekend if I go away or out with friends, but this is restricted to when he has the other kids.
If he does watch him then he will work the entire time, doesn't take him out of the house and works on his laptop throughout.
I have raised my concerns and he says it's normal for self employed people and not his fault as he needs to work as tats way it is.
Is this normal? Our joint child is a toddler and I'm concerned Dp will miss his life if he keeps on how he is.

It's not about money it's about time tbh. If he was earning 50kplus a year and working like this there would be a big issue still.
It's import at to maintain a relationship.
I work long hours mid week sometimes but I still commit to dc family time and always do nice things with the kids at the weekend.
The 350 covers the bills so I wouldn't ask for more. I'm just surprised he doesn't have any savings on that low a living cost figure.

The only difference if he earned more was we could hire a cleaner or buy a bigger house for the kids. It is a bit of a squash in a reasonable sized 3 bed semi when 4 kids are here.
I'm also desperate to do the tiny kitchen up and knock it through into the small dinning room to make a beautiful family kitchen but the dinning rooms where he oldest currently sleeps so dp is against it. I love to cook and need the space as the kitchen is vile (only room not renovated when I bought house as I ran out of money, but now have enough saved).

Why can't you see that he is just indulging himself in his hobby and he is able to do that because you do everything else?

The house suits him so he doesn't care that you want a bigger kitchen and a nice family home. He gets to see his older children, you provide a home for them and do all the work for them being there.

His priority:
Hobby/passion
Older DC

He makes zero time for anything else...

This is is his CHOICE he could spend less time on his hobby but he chooses not to. He used the excuse of £ but that's what it is.

I’m sorry but this is YOUR house, that you’ve worked hard for and that YOU and you alone own. You’ve saved your own money to do the kitchen, so do the kitchen!!!

Your DP does nothing to contribute, all he does is barely fund his own existence, he doesn’t contribute to you, your child, or your home. For this reason he doesn’t get to make decisions about the house, he can have that privilege when he actually contributes a meaningful amount. In the meantime with things as they are why should you be putting off work that you’ve planned and saved for just because it inconveniences HIM and HIS DC. It’s up to him to provide a roof over his kids heads, but instead your actually doing that. It’s up to him to make sure his DC have the space they need, not you.

I assume if you had the kitchen done it would mean his DC would have to share a room instead? They could have a bunk bed or some such?? I’m sure they would all complain about it if you went ahead with the kitchen renovation??? As my nan would say beggars can’t be choosers!!!

I’m not saying you should just go ahead and do the kitchen in spite of him and the DSC, but more just trying to point out how unreasonable it is that you should be the one sacrificing something you’ve wanted, saved and worked hard for, only not to be doing it because it impacts him/his dc when he doesn’t even contribute anything to you. He should be looking for the solution here, not you. He’s not doing that because the solution is for him to get a proper job with a proper wage that allows him to contribute properly to both you and his DC. Instead he is indulging his hobby, working hours that leave you shouldering everything financially and otherwise. It’s beyond unfair, not to mention unreasonable. I’d be thinking long and hard about this relationship OP, because you don’t seem to benefit much from it at all.

No, it's not normal. Businesses do take a bit of graft to get off the ground, but a good business plan and being good at what you do should mean you don't need to kill yourself. Dh is self-employed. There are certainly times when he has to work for a weekend (but it's at an event, which takes place over the weekend, not because he's avoiding me or has poor time management). We both work a bit in the evenings after dc are in bed as my work is similarly not always 9-5, but that's a mutual decision. But otherwise, he does the school run in the morning, is at work by 9:30 and home by 5 every day. And he makes around 100K a year. It's hard work, but it's also about managing your time and being able to prioritise.

There's no point being self employed if it just sucks the life out of you and you have no time for family life or doing other things you enjoy (though I suppose if your 'work' is just a glorified hobby, maybe it seems you do). You might as well get a real job, have more financial security and have time off in the evenings and weekends. I think an ultimatum is in order. He either contributes equally to the family finances and works set hours which you discuss together so you're in agreement they'll work for both of you, or the relationship would be over for me. Surely if he had to move out, he'd have to give it up anyway as he couldn't support himself tinkering around with a hobby if he was living on his own, right?

I'm also desperate to do the tiny kitchen up and knock it through into the small dinning room to make a beautiful family kitchen but the dinning rooms where he oldest currently sleeps so dp is against it

I'll bet he is! Where else would this freeloading twat find someone to house his kids and take them on holiday!

It's a shame his 'passion' isn't for his partner and kids. OP this is no relationship, he doesn't value you and he doesn't act like a responsible father. It's like he's an extra child.

What does he actually bring to your life apart from resentment?

I have given a deadline for starting the kitchen of January as it's unlivable in its current format.
One option is to extend and convert the garage into an extra room for the dsc, which may work but would cost £££. The house prices on our road are capped due to location so we wouldn't make money back but it would make house more comfortable.

"We wouldn't make money back"

Where is the "we" in this relationship?

He gives zero time to the relationship or his youngest child and zero financial contribution- once you deduct the increased utility costs, council tax and food for him and his DC there is zero contribution!!

Why are you desperate to marry someone that brings (as far as I can see) zero to the relationship?

Doesn't your child deserve better?

Don't you deserve batter?

To clarify I'm not desperate to marry, he is the one wanting marriage. I'm very ambivalent towards marriage as previously divorced.
We have a joint child so I'm keen to make this work. Money isn't the be all or end all but the time together is. If the time element doesn't implore it will likely be the nail in the coffin.

He does not seem invested at all tbh.

He gives you and your toddler zero time.

He uses the EXCUSE of work.

Work that brings £0 to you and your toddler.

Money is not the be all at all, money is a factor here because he uses work as the EXCUSE to have no time but this work provides £0.

Please do not marry him, you are the housekeeper and nanny as well as providing him and all his DC a free home to live in. In return he watches his own toddler occasionally - if you were separated he would probably spend more time with the toddler and you would also be financially better off!!

I usually defend the self employed as I come from a self employed family and have my own business, so I know how the hours are relentless and understand the need to be "on call" virtually 24/7. I defend it because usually there are the "upsides" such as better income, prospects to sell or wind down, and flexibility.

But, the OP's partner doesn't really have a business. He's just making pocket money from his hobby. The sooner the OP and her partner realise this, the sooner they can decide what happens next. If the partner is unwilling to turn it into a proper business that makes a realistic profit, then I'd say it's time to chuck him out.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

To clarify I'm not desperate to marry, he is the one wanting marriage. I'm very ambivalent towards marriage as previously divorced. We have a joint child so I'm keen to make this work. Money isn't the be all or end all but the time together is. If the time element doesn't implore it will likely be the nail in the coffin.

The thing is, it's not a proper business, it's a hobby. So if he spends less time doing it, he'll contribute even less moneywise to the household.

I'm not desperate to marry, he is the one wanting marriage i wonder why?

OP where was he living before moving in with you?

He sounds like an absolute freeloader who thinks he’s got it made!

Please don’t marry him as it would be entirely against your and your toddler’s interests to share your finances with him.

He needs to get a regular job on regular hours. You’d have more money and some of his time. The current situation in not sustainable. Why on earth would he think that you, who are financially providing for everyone, should be doing all of the childcare and housework alone too?

And the business with his children! I’m sure he wants you to pay and provide more space for them but he’s not prepared or able to provide that himself, is he?

And he must pay a pittance in maintenance to his ex wife.

I would strongly consider getting rid of him OP.

This may sound harsh but why on earth are you even entertaining the idea of extending the house for his dc if the family time issue isn't close to being sorted. If he can't even manage the first Sunday I'm not sure he'll do 'any' Sunday. Tbh I'd not be putting myself out financially or making changes to my house for him, until he can convince me that he's invested in the relationship. It's all well and good to 'say' you are, but I'm not seeing any actions to back up those words.

My dh works on average 65 hrs a week, but he gets up early (very early), works 12 to 16 hrs a day, comes home and has tea, interacts with me and the dc then goes to bed between 7/8. He never works on the weekend as he says he wants that time to spend with me and the dc.

Why is your dp not starting work until 10am. If he's self employed he could start at 6am finish at 6pm, have tea with you and the dc, be involved in the bedtime routine and he'd be able to take at least a day off during the weekend if not more.

Actions speak louder than words op

We have a family day organised for tommorow. So going to park with the dc and a family meal. I'm excited and it hopefully will be good x

Good update OP, hope it goes well!

I'm concerned that you find it exciting this is going to happen, that is standard family time. Your expectations of him are so incredibly low

I do hope it happens and that you have a great time.

Why women ever start relationships with such men is baffling. He's just a waste of space.

Once you sit down and examine the figures you realise that he is working / out the house for x hours per week. Earns £xxx. The hourly take home pay per hour is £xx. Which is less than minimum wage.

It's not a viable business.

Why. Just why. Why would you put up with this?

OP is still not listening. She's deluded. She can't see the real problem.

Your house , your money. Do the kitchen.
Where did he have his kids before?
If he wants to convert the garage , he pays.
Poor kids.

Thanks. Not deluded just had no dc before so time wasn't same issue as had late evenings etc and he's got worse in last few years.
It is happening, we're heading out shortly, so I am pleased and long may it continue every week.
Belive me I'm very aware the hourly rate makes it unviable, but he has to see it not me. Also now is hardly the best time to seek employment unfortunately as there are a lot of highly skilled people out of work.
The garage idea for him paying has been discussed but it may give him some form of legal claim if we separate as its an improvement so I don't want to do that for obvious reasons to protect mself.
The most sensible idea would be to rent a 4 bed as we only need it for max 3 to 5 years. Buying I don't think I'd want the risk or get a mortgage for that amount as they are like hens teeth around here to find and ££££. I'd rent this one out and that would pay my half of the rental of the 4 then I'd pay half bills. But he can't afford it, so it's a non starter.

"I'd rent this one out and that would pay my half of the rental of the 4 then I'd pay half bills. But he can't afford it, so it's a non starter."

Op, does your fanny not clamp up when you say that sentence?

I get being a workaholic if it pays well. This does not. He pays not much more than my DS and that only covers food! We would all like a bigger home that someone else pays for!

I would stop supporting his kids. From now on he pays his half of everything and supports his own children. It's so upsetting because you want him to want to spend time with your DC.

Where was he living before you got together?