Self employment and family life

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

It's long, sorry, but I want views as I'm getting very frustrated with the impact on our family life.
I work full time, compressed hours and am the main earner. I work 40 hours a week but compressed hours. Dp is self employed but works all the time. Every evening and every Weekend unless we have his kids, my step kids. If just us and our joint child then he works all weekend. His job is linked to his hobby and he doesn't earn much, per hour (less than min wage).
Just for completeness. The house was mine pre relationship and owned by me, so low living costs. Dp contributes 350 a month for everything except food as he buys his own as is very weird about food and car, this includes the childcare bill for nursery. He says this is expensive cost of living (for him and 3 step kids plus our joint child-madness as I think it's crazy cheap)
I feel I never ever get any time as a family or couple. I work 6am till 4 x 4 days a week. I have my son after 4 every day and days I don't work I have him all day alone.
Dp will hve him once a month or so for weekend if I go away or out with friends, but this is restricted to when he has the other kids.
If he does watch him then he will work the entire time, doesn't take him out of the house and works on his laptop throughout.
I have raised my concerns and he says it's normal for self employed people and not his fault as he needs to work as tats way it is.
Is this normal? Our joint child is a toddler and I'm concerned Dp will miss his life if he keeps on how he is.

Wow. You sound lovely but an absolute doormat. You want him to realise that his 'job' is unviable? Well, why they hell is he going to do that? You're charging him student kid prices to live in your house while you run around after his 4 kids.

I hope this guy is absolute dynamite in bed because he has Cocklodger written in neon lights on his forehead and you've got Mug written on yours.

And FWIW I'm self employed and a single parent. I work less time than I would in a full time job and make time for my children (and earn substantially more than minimum wage).

I'm not sure insulting people is constructive tbh

It's very difficult and painful coming to the realisation that someone you love doesn't live as you much in return and other things (themselves) matter far more. It is a searing pain.

It feels like a huge gamble to issue an "ultimatum" but you need to get your ahead around that what you are actually saying is that you are worth more than the crumbs they are throwing and you are giving them the opportunity to evaluate their behaviour and change it.

If they walk away then you know you haven't been imagining things, if they have an epiphany you also know you weren't imaging things.

People will only treat you as badly you as allow them, don't let them treat you or your DC this badly.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

I'm not sure insulting people is constructive tbh

Maybe not but I'm so frustrated that you're making excuses for him!

You're an intelligent woman clearly. Why on earth are you putting up with this?

I'm really sorry but I just don't understand. You and your child would be much better off if he were living elsewhere.

I would talk to your sister again. She sounds like she really cares about you but I can't imagine how upsetting it must be for her to watch you work so hard to support this bloke while he indulges his hobby.

I also wonder how you know that he was working until the small hours? Are you sure he was working the entire time and not watching videos/playing games?

I've said this before but I have worked in a male dominated industry my entire working life and was quite senior before I set up on my own. I can't tell you how many of my male colleagues would 'work late/need to have an early start' to avoid kids' bedtimes/ the morning stuff. It is bloody shocking how many 'nice blokes' will just happily dump on their wives/partners.

Those bits are boring and frustrating - I know and you know. But women can't just walk away - we have to be there for the crap. A decent partner would be sharing that load with you, not having a lie in.

Hi Op, just a thought. Would it be an idea for him to move out & you go back to dating? That way, if he actually cares about you & your dc, he will have to make time for you. If you are simply a convenience which makes his life comfortable, you still won't see him very often.
But you will not be paying for him, you will not keep hoping he will stick to his promises of time, ypu will not be free childcare for his children, you will not be running round cleaning up after him, cooking for him & leaving him lounging in your bed while you work & do everything for your dc.
You will however free yourself to meet someone who will love you, want to spend time with you, and appreciate you.
Only you can decide what you want from life, from a partner. You posted here because you are not happy. Some things need to change.
Best of luck @Pleaseaddcaffine

Please please do not marry him. If too separate he’d be entitled to half of everything you’ve worked your arse off for.

Is the hobby golf by any chance? The £350 I agree with as it’s half the bills but I don’t think you should be paying for anything for his kids. He made them so he pays. It actually annoys me that he has a young child and can’t be bothered spending time with them or you. If you want this to work you need to set rules like no working after a certain time and maybe one weekend every month is family time and no work. Self employment is hard but you can work round it if you truly want too.

@Pleaseaddcaffine I was wondering how the last week has been?

I hope you get through to him that he needs to change and start prioritising you and all the DC over his "job"

It was okay we had some family time but hes complained constantly about being overly busy and not coping.
I've started to zone it out tbh as just noise.

Think I would have a stock phrase "well fo and get a MW job instead, we'd have more money and you'd have more time with us"

Is there even any business plan as to when this could possibly eat. The equivalent to MW?

What happens if you're ill and can't work OP?

And have you noticed how not one person on the thread has said, wow, he sounds great, do whatever you need to do to hang onto him?

I just say that's nice but ti's your choice and there are other options. So similar!
No idea tbh and I don't have time to get involved really.
His other 3 are here for next 4 days and we're doing Christmas crafting (chaos) which will be fun. By we I mean me

I have very complex and expensive insurance for myself and my toddler that I have which pays out a large sum in event of illness or death, it would be enough for me not to work.
I got very detailed finaicaial advice when I got divorced and I have a man who does a finance health check once evry 2 years, who I can't recommend enough.
I'm not on a vast figure just a normal middle wage of 37k or so.

Op your later post is why my relationship was never going to work.
I've just come out of a LT relationship but I could see that as amazing as he was the lack of moving forward was going to be a deal breaker
Wed discussed a house and sorted some financial bits but I just knew that things 'we' should be doing would be 'me' doing them.
Slowly he's become more entitled and I'm not willing to be a doormat for someone to be with. Very hard but sensible

The longer term stuff is bit that's scary as no pension etc from him and I've told him flat mine isn't enough for 2 adults. I've boringly planned for retirement through 2 pensions and an investment that should have a return which will be an okay ish top up monthly income.
My main issue short term. Is. Time and the insessent I'm so busy. We are all busy and we just make time!

He is being a cocklodger quite frankly.

He is comfortable knowing that your decent income is enough for now and he will likely refuse to consider pension needs as you will come up trumps somehow

I can't see him changing he will always be too busy for you and DS because you just aren't a priority his hobby business and DC from prior relationship are.

Just don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy when things haven't changed in 6 months time.

I feel so sad for your DS the early years zoom past so quickly and his Dad isn't part of it through choice.

It's just a bit hard sometimes and I do get that. If he wasn't able to earn more then that's a different situation to choosing not to try.
The times the thing though and the lack of savings. Half bills is more than fine, but really on that low an amount someone should have savings as well

Ultimately he is happy with things the way they are, so he has no incentive to change.

Free childcare for his children, cheap living costs, domestic stuff taken care of, sex if he makes the effort and he gets to do his hobby under the pretence of it being a business all day long.

Hope you had a lovely family day today, you've been on my mind