Self employment and family life

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

It's long, sorry, but I want views as I'm getting very frustrated with the impact on our family life.
I work full time, compressed hours and am the main earner. I work 40 hours a week but compressed hours. Dp is self employed but works all the time. Every evening and every Weekend unless we have his kids, my step kids. If just us and our joint child then he works all weekend. His job is linked to his hobby and he doesn't earn much, per hour (less than min wage).
Just for completeness. The house was mine pre relationship and owned by me, so low living costs. Dp contributes 350 a month for everything except food as he buys his own as is very weird about food and car, this includes the childcare bill for nursery. He says this is expensive cost of living (for him and 3 step kids plus our joint child-madness as I think it's crazy cheap)
I feel I never ever get any time as a family or couple. I work 6am till 4 x 4 days a week. I have my son after 4 every day and days I don't work I have him all day alone.
Dp will hve him once a month or so for weekend if I go away or out with friends, but this is restricted to when he has the other kids.
If he does watch him then he will work the entire time, doesn't take him out of the house and works on his laptop throughout.
I have raised my concerns and he says it's normal for self employed people and not his fault as he needs to work as tats way it is.
Is this normal? Our joint child is a toddler and I'm concerned Dp will miss his life if he keeps on how he is.

"I'm very aware the hourly rate makes it unviable, but he has to see it not me. "

"Also now is hardly the best time to seek employment "

No. Sit him down and show him. Make him see.

There's no reason why he at least can't look.

I disagree with both of the above statements.

He will never see it because he lives what he is doing and because what little he earns is sufficient because you are subbing him.

There are jobs out there, doesn't need to be full time but even part time on minimum wage would make a difference!

I completely agree, I suggested last year he work part time for himself and part time for someone else. It don't get any further.

Im in theory subbing him but in reality also not, as he is paying half the bills it's just that they ate unusually lwo due to my good position. I do worry that real rental prices might shock him. A 4 bed here is 1200 to 1500 a month

Living before is complicated. His exw kept the family home as he didn't want to disrupt the children and all the equity which was very generous and left him not great. I know this so factual from the paperwork.
He pays cms level maintenance, has the kids 1 night a week and eow plus half school holiday. Pays extra like buss passes and school uniform etc, as is normal.
He's genuinely not awful, just extremal short sighted reference importance of time

So he is continually foolish with money...

He has given all the equity to ex??? Didn't consider a mesher order?

You are subbing his children on every level.

Ultimately its clear that he wants to do this hobby job, he is either very stupid or just doesn't care that it isn't financially viable because you are subbing him and his DC.

In 5 years time if nothing has changed will you carry on accepting it?

But he's only paying half the bills because you've managed to pay for the House. What would he say if you asked for 'rent value ' as well, you could save it up to do stuff with.

I would have no idea what rent value would be or how to calculate that....
Also I thought that families should support each other. There are lots of partnerships or marriages where parties have unequal incomes/assets
The time is the main thing for quality of life

50% of the cost of a room in a shared house would be about right.

There's a difference between support and being a doormat.

How was the trip to the park and family meal?

But isn't that only about what he pays anyway? Shared house room rnets are around 350 to 400 and usually are with bills. I don't really understand.
It was okay. Little one loved the park and showing everything to daddy which was nice

OP, you keep saying your issue is time not money as his £350 covers half the bills. But why can’t you see there is a problem with you having to fund clothes, food for you and DC, anything your DC needs, outings, holidays etc? The way you live your life is totally restricted by him indulging himself in his hobby job. You’re bending over backwards to try and find a way to make living arrangements more comfortable for his 3 DC, and he is doing nothing to try and improve the situation. On top of that, what exactly is he doing when his DC when they come to stay- is he buying food for them, cooking, clearing up, doing stuff with them - or does he do the bare minimum and expect you to do the rest? And on top of all of that, he barely gives you or your DC the time of day?

You worked and saved hard so you can have a good life and you’re throwing it all away.

Meant on top of bills because also provide food for him and you are also providing rooms and food for his DC.

Is paying 50% of all your shared DC costs?

Don't marry him, whatever you do. And then he'll have really hit the jackpot with a share in your house!
He's got four children he isn't providing for. Show him the door - and let him see how far he gets with £350. What's the rent on a cardboard box?
He's a freeloading, cocklodging sperm donor with a hobby. As someone else mentioned, there seems to be an epidemic of them.

The nursery costs are part of the joint bills and insurance etc. I pay for the clothes/shoes and tbh the majority of his food. I pay the £50 a month for his swimming lessons as I'm really focused for safety on ds being confident in water as a toddler. He's only little so has no other costs really.

Have you asked why his first wife left him? Or was she also exasperated raising a family on a hobby fanatic's income?

So this man doesn't contribute enough to cover the costs for him, his DC and 50% of DS

He doesn't contribute time to you or his DS and in fact you also do a lot of the work of looking after and caring for his DC.

Your life would be easier and and financially better without him.

He would lose out financially big time, he would have to give more time to cate for his older DC and he would have to make time to look after DS.

It sounds like you have gained a teenager who thinks he can make it big playing on line poker and gets you to accommodate his friends 5 nights per fortnight and him providing a pittance in board makes it all ok.

If you are happy with financially subsiding him financially, taking care of his older DC and in return you get sex and a weekly trip to the park together go for it.

I feel a fool I should quit work, do my hobby making £4 per hour and leave everything else to DH!!

How's the day going OP?

It's so noticeable how all the self-employed husbands on here 'have' to work evenings and weekends on their businesses, but the self-employed women seem to be running their businesses around the childcare.

The time factor shows his priorities. The reality is people with families can’t afford to have hobbies instead of work, and people actually show contempt for their partner by having hobbies over all family time instead of pitching in. He is saying you are not important and his family is not important.

Exact same situation. Husband has two children who stay with us, we have a 6 yr old daughter together. I have a job and he is self-employed. Difference is - he doesn't even make time on the weekends when his own children (my step children) are here. If I work longer at my job (very occasionally during busy periods) - I get a lecture 'you're not being paid'. I have tried to explain to him that it is the same when you are self-employed - if you budget (and bill) 20 hours for something, but do 30 - you are working for free. And with him, it is constant.

It is not excess workload - it is bad time management and ability to organise. Again, my husband's business is something he enjoys, came out of a hobby. I'm sick and tired of seeing that back turned at a desk evenings, weekends - opting out 'because I'm self-employed' Everyone expects to have to go above and beyond sometimes, but I am feeling very much like I am being played for a fool. Sorry, no advice, just empathy and interesting to hear your experience.

@Komersantka you are being played because he's using it as a reason to opt out of family life and the boring "wifework" whilst doing something he enjoys and feeds into his self esteem.

It really would be the end for me. Short term whilst building up a business yes but even then there needs to be time for the family.

No one said on their deathbed that they wished they spent more time in the office/working. He will never get this time back with the DC Ana their relationship will suffer because of it

Thanks it is nice to know I'm nto alone, although it's sad. I literally cried this morning, I am so frustrated. Trying to get toddler ready for nursery and taking work calls while he is in bed as tierd as was working till small hours. Again.
Spoke to my sister who just said I need to get on with it, as what else can I do as he won't change. Its honestly depressing.
Sorry but I'm feeling a bit low today

So sorry you are feeling low I really am not surprised and your sister is right he won't change.

You will likely feel less resentful if you tell him to leave then there will be a calmer dynamic of you and DS. Who knows you may get a weekly break when he actually bothers to spend time having DS.