Self employment and family life

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

It's long, sorry, but I want views as I'm getting very frustrated with the impact on our family life.
I work full time, compressed hours and am the main earner. I work 40 hours a week but compressed hours. Dp is self employed but works all the time. Every evening and every Weekend unless we have his kids, my step kids. If just us and our joint child then he works all weekend. His job is linked to his hobby and he doesn't earn much, per hour (less than min wage).
Just for completeness. The house was mine pre relationship and owned by me, so low living costs. Dp contributes 350 a month for everything except food as he buys his own as is very weird about food and car, this includes the childcare bill for nursery. He says this is expensive cost of living (for him and 3 step kids plus our joint child-madness as I think it's crazy cheap)
I feel I never ever get any time as a family or couple. I work 6am till 4 x 4 days a week. I have my son after 4 every day and days I don't work I have him all day alone.
Dp will hve him once a month or so for weekend if I go away or out with friends, but this is restricted to when he has the other kids.
If he does watch him then he will work the entire time, doesn't take him out of the house and works on his laptop throughout.
I have raised my concerns and he says it's normal for self employed people and not his fault as he needs to work as tats way it is.
Is this normal? Our joint child is a toddler and I'm concerned Dp will miss his life if he keeps on how he is.

That sounds like a good idea ref the chamber of commerce thing. I think I'll have a look.
I don't really know what his profits margins etc are or earnings in any details.

Depending on his business the local universities may have funding to assist him in a business venture. There is usually one in each region of the country that helps business starts up etc - it's EU funded.

Again Chamber of Commerce can probably help point him in the right direction.

Dreadful. He's not self-employed, he's making pocket money from his hobby. Working all hours, evenings and weekend for less than minimum wage? No chance.

I couldn't put up with that. It really sounds like you are getting nothing out of this.

Could you ask him to get a proper, employed job? Even at 40 hours per week in a minimum wage job you'd be better if financially and he would have time to spend with you and his kids. It's a no brainer to me, and if he won't consider it I would take that as a very clear sign.

I was gonna say YABU because my husband has a "hobby job" too which earns about this - but he has the hobby job as it works around childcare and house hold stuff which he does most of. Yanbu if he's not pulling his weight with your child and in the home while you work!

He hit paydirt when he met you; he found another sap of a woman to subsidise him and his poor earnings from his hobby job (a job he likely has no intentions of giving up BTW). Such men really do hate women.

Why should he have to give his precious time and concentration to his toddler when he's got you there? Why should he have to address earning shit money because he has you to pick up the slack?. Does this child have his surname too?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what about him is worth it in your eyes now?.

CF indeed

Do not marry this person as you'd effectively be giving him half your house for little in return.
Why can he not get a regular part time job (as a minimum) and fit the hobby job in around this to say a maximum of 45 hours per week then he will have time for childcare too.
You are massively subsidising him and he knows it.
Time for him to grow up

It sounds woefully unequal op.

He takes time to spend with his dc but won't spend time as a family with your joint dc or you!

He pays £350 per month - wow, his wow! I bet the childcare is more than that a month let alone bills etc. Tbh if he can't afford more then he needs to reconsider his work options. I'd love to spend my time doing my hobby as a job, but if it didn't pay the bills then it's a pipe dream. No wonder he wants to get married op.

Just as an aside - my BIL insists on remaining self employed because he's too proud to go and get a 'normal' job. Too busy bragging about his "special business" and looking down his nose at delivery drivers while he sponges off his MIL.

He's an absolute twat.

Just to clarify I worked very hard early in life and saved, had children late, so the 350 is half the everyday bills. As no mortgage as I own my home, which I am quite proud of as I worked hard and saved very hard to be in this position didn't I herit or get gifted things to be where I am.
The money really wouldn't bother me except we need a bigger home ideally due to his kids, I'd happily live in a 2 bed as I like smaller houses as a rule. My dream would be an old vic end twrrice with a rambling garden.
The issue is the lack of family time and having to be in charge eg kids clothes, shoes, cooking, bills, dentist, house repairs, DIY, everything.
I pay for our holidays but I earn more and we don't go anywhere fancy just Wales etc (pre covid). If he earned more we could do foreign holidays or something more exciting for older dc, as its a shame we can't do it.
It really isn't about the money, it's about quality time.

You pay for everything for his kids too?

No. Food and stuff like bedding etc I'll buy. I pay for the bugger holiday costs eg renting the place. He pays maintenance and also for clothes for his dc but our joint child I pay for everything for bar occasional treats like an ice cream etc

He's pay 350 pm 😐 freeloading more like! He couldn't find a room for that amount. Your clearly doing the lions share, you always will. His hobby is most likely not going to turn into his fortune and I get that we all have dreams but.. he's already got a failed relationship with kids, what happened there? My bet is she got fed up with this and booted him out! Give your head a wobble, for god sales don't marry him and give him half your house..

What job did he do when he was with his ex??

Why can't you accept that both the lack of money and lack of time he provides is because he is inherently selfish and he just wants to do his hobby and you are funding that and caring for ALL his DC??

I'm self-employed but if I was spending 40 hours a week earning £12k I'd give it up or do it part-time.
Would he let you work one day a week more and look after the child -properly I mean - take them out and do some housework?
It sounds unsustainable as it is because you will get too resentful of his lack of input.
Is this why his first marriage broke down?

It's more like 50 or 60 not 40hours. Honestly it's insane. 10 till 7pm 6 days a week plus then 9pm till midnight 5 or 6 days.

I did follow advice and talk to him. We agreed midday on Sunday he'd stop work and have family time. First Sunday arrived and it didn't happen as he was too busy. We did have dinner together but no family time as son was in bed.
He says it will be quiet in January but I'm not sure that fixes things.

This is nuts OP, it’s pocket money, which is fine if he’s doing all the childcare and housework- but he isn’t. I think it’s teally disrespectful to you too, if I was him I would be embarrassed. Are you 100% sure he hasn’t got someone else on the go and is only actually working ‘part time’ and not atcwork when he says he is— ? Justa thought. You are clearly a sharp and nice lady - you deserve far more than a cocklodger.

On the face of it, he would be just as well off working a low paying normal 9-5 job. Why he’s working all the hours he is and neglecting his family for a relatively low annual salary (in comparison to the hours he’s working) is beyond me.

He is just being utterly selfish.

My love would have shrivelled up, when do you actually get to invest in your relationship? What about your DC??

He's become a cocklodger.

He could make the time if he wanted to, sorry. I'm self employed running a start up. My to do list is insane. Everything is a priority and it's immensely stressful, but I take my kids out, I pick them up from school, I make them dinner. He's one person, and people he works with/for know that. If his business relies on him doing NOTHING with or for his family, and is paying him a pittance, then it's the wrong business for him and for you. He's not prioritising you, sorry. I know a lot of people with successful businesses, both men and women, and it's always the men who HAVE to work 20 hour days and not do any childcare or housework.

He works from home vast majority, so I'd be amazed if he managed that tbh. It's because it's his passion eg linked to hobby so won't change.

Yep and his hobby passion is more important to him then you or your DC 🤷🏽‍♀️

He failed to fulfil his promise of one afternoon in the first week!!

You're paying for his hobby and he's mugging you off.

I earn about the same as your partner running and I'm self employed op. The difference is I work around ds school hours and the occasional evening and weekends. I do most of the house work and 90% of the childcare. I have plenty of time for my son and and dh. I would pay close attention to what your partner is doing when he says he's working cause I bet he isn't as busy as he makes out.

So his passions are his hobby and his dc and ... he lives with an extremely useful person Aka you which is helping him follow his passions. Actions speak much louder than words here. What does he think he’d do without you op? For £350 a month he couldn’t rent a post box and feed himself and dc but he thinks it’s ok? Or would he have to find an actual job?

Do not marry him.

I’m self employed and I certainly don’t work like that.

I worked a lot of hours the first year as I felt I needed to establish myself and I was lucky this worked out. Now, like a pp, I choose to only do higher paying work and I turn away anything that isn’t worth my time. I’m not bringing in lots of money, but certainly averaging out at well over minimum wage after all expenses etc.

I also take advantage of the flexibility of self employment, so I try to make sure that working an evening or weekend is an exception not the rule, and if it happens it’s usually because I’m being paid a premium to turn a rush job around in that time... and I will always check with DH before booking this kind of work in.

Some can claim his work life balance is due to self employment but it’s more likely that it’s due to him being either in a field that doesn’t pay well enough/ isn’t the demand to be worth continuing, or he’s faffing so much he wastes time, or just doesn’t want to spend time with you.

In short, he’s either terrible at business given how long this has been going on for, or he just doesn’t want to spend time with you.

Fgs don’t marry him. Of course he wants to commit, he knows you’re facilitating the lifestyle he’s chosen and without you he wouldn’t be able to indulge in his hobby job.