So he had an affair now what?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

[Milliepossum]

It will get better OP, the important thing is you got rid of him 🌸 You are hardworking, he’s not. Let him find someone like him.

[Jaguar77]

You can never come back from contempt.
You know what you have to do.
It's hard but the relief will be amazing

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Op I didn't see your thread when you originally posted. I'm so glad you dumped this self-pitying whingebag.

He is so deluded that he truly thinks we are friends because I am amicable

Haha so was mine! To the point he told me some (probably bullshit) stuff about his sex life with OW, I think in an attempt to make me jealous, then kindly offered (lol) to have sex with me "to say goodbye" 😂😂😂

How are your DC doing?

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Don't send the email. It will achieve nothing, only make him more petulant.

At the time I split with my ex I was working 2 jobs, full time employed 9-5 M-F, plus online moderating specialist software forums 5-11pm M-F plus all day Sat and Sun. My H tried to tank that by appearing on all the forums i moderated saying I was a slag, I'd fucked people on the forums, that I'd been thieving users' contributions... Just whatever shit he could think of really. All a complete fantasy. I think he honestly thought people would believe him. He was astounded when people on the forums defended me despite in most cases not knowing me personally. I didn't bite back on any of his posts, just said something like "sorry guys this is my stbxh and we'll be banning his account very shortly."

When he next starts spewing verbal abuse just keep that in mind. Nothing he tells you about yourself is true.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation WOW! That is disgusting behaviour.
Mine has reserved his toxic behaviour to be private except my children have seen/heard glimpses of it - couldnt be helped when all in lockdown under one roof. I tried to minimise it by trying not to react or leaving a room but he would follow me around dripping his toxic poison into my ears. Then would wake me up in the middle of the night to apologise for his behaviour! My psychologist called it a shame spiral.

The kids have been wonderful, they have handled things a lot more maturely than their father. I make a point of never saying anything negative about him, but I am teaching both of them to have boundaries.

Yes you are right unfortunately given that he has the self awareness of a gnat and zero emotional intelligence I think the email would make know difference other than for him to get defensive. I have seen sooo much of that the moment I say anything remotely negative about his behaviour.

Its weird now I look at him and think what did I ever see in you but equally the thought of him continuing a relationship with the OW makes me angry. I guess I feel like she has had no impact on her life yet mine has completely imploded as has that of my beautiful children.

[Dery]

@MadameMonk’s post is spot on. Follow her advice and pretty quickly you’ll be feeling fine, I would imagine.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago

Yeah I bet he does, and that total change in behaviour is because he knows hes one micro step away from being out on his arse.

You are doing yourself a massive disservice to stay with someone this selfish and infantile.

I have always been the strong one the get shit done person

Indeed you are, you need to forget any guilt or emotions ans use that business style desision making in this process. This man brings no joy and no support to your life, just problems and stress.

There are men out there who will share the mental load, remember your birthday and can actually manage to keep it in their pants, but you're never going to find one chained to this bratty parasite.

I truly believe he told you about the affair to try and being you down a peg or two because you are infinitely more successful than him.

You are worth so much more than this.

[Justilou1]

He is angry because he is carrying the burdens of shame and guilt and of course poor didduma doesn’t like feeling bad, so he’s blaming you. However, HE nurtured a relationship with another woman while married to you. HE lied about it to you. HE cheated. He needs to become FULLY accountable for his actions and deeds as well as his feelings. He seems to have decided that it’s YOUR job to make him feel better. Like a lot of toddlers, he hasn’t realised that you are a separate person to him, and YOU are entitled to react any way you feel. You did not cheat or lie. He is not entitled to put a time limit on your feelings or push your boundaries at the moment. You get to choose whether you can trust him or not, or whether there is a future for your marriage. The fact that he is spewing resentment and anger at you instead of showing contrition and remorse would not be inspiring me either.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@justilou1 what you say resonates so much! He is like a third child even though we are now in separate homes he still tries to get me to fix his problems whether they are something practical or to do with the kids. I’m making it clear that it’s not my role anymore and never should have been.

Thank you to you and everyone else who have taken the time to give such wonderful advice.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@justilou1 we have separated and there is no going back as his behaviour post disclosure was far more damaging than the affair itself. So much deceit and so much anger at me. We still unfortunately had to live under same roof when separated and he was just pure nasty at times. Would start drinking early as In in the morning and getting himself into a righteous range and how everyone including me was at fault for his life as it is now. Dickhead.

[Justilou1]

I’m pleased you have separated. You are completely entitled to feel angry and bitter towards him, but also acknowledge that you should be proud of yourself and happy to be rid. You are strong enough to do what is right for yourself and a good example for your kids. There are so many soggy women on here that swallow their souls to tolerate this abuse for years under the guise of “doing it for the kids” and raise little monsters who treat their women the same way and daughters who expect no better. You’re amazing!!!

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@justilou1 I won’t lie and say it’s amazing all the time as the days he has the kids can be lonely BUT I know it’s early days and I need to be patient with myself in regards what I’ve been through and where I am now.

I also feel this pure rage some days because even now he will shut me down if I ask him anything remotely connected to the affair as apparently it causes him anxiety 🙄. No offence to those who genuinely experience anxiety as I have family members who do and frankly they don’t behave like selfish arseholes.

I have a beautiful rental; kids are happy (so so proud of them) and I’m now making more money than when I was with that Dickhead. Dickhead has had lots of problems and earns a lot less so less choices compared to when he was with me.

Basically I am at the point in my business that he, if he had been a decent human he could have retired whilst I continued working. Instead myself and kids are benefiting! Which means more money for us and more choices!

I also hope to do more things for myself so I don’t feel so lonely when the kids are not around.

[Justilou1]

Oh Darling I can assure you that my DH hasn’t cheated, but we have our own issues that are not insignificant right now. (I gave up my career to follow his career around the world, and am now nearly 50 with fuck all behind me. He’s the quintessential good guy, except that he’s also a DV and SA apologist who always argues that men are “falsely accused” and I’m a survivor of both, and bringing up 3 kids who can’t understand why I tolerate the everyday misogyny - and I’m wondering why too. Like you, I wander around seething with rage, and feeling invisible, and like a series of functions and holes whose thoughts and feelings are utterly irrelevant as long as I look the part and provide the right feedback.) I look back to when my kids where younger and I realise just how fucking miserable I really was, but I survived by spinning the romantic fantasy that we both needed to survive. I wish I hadn’t. I was so lonely. Now it’s harder to make friends and I’ve moved so often… Please find things you love. Study, have hobbies. Be happy.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@justilou1 I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anyway you could make changes and plan to leave?

I will 100% be looking at doing things for me as I’ve been bottom of a long list for too long.

You and others have provided some wonderful advice and I hope one day (if you haven’t already as you give such great advice) you can make changes to your life that will make you happy and enhance your life.

Take care x

[Justilou1]

I’m studying for a new career and my kids are in the final push with high school. He’s on notice and trying. I think the ingrained sexism/arrogance has just sucked me dry though. At lease if I do decide to go, I’ll be in a position to.

[SleepingBunnies21]

but equally the thought of him continuing a relationship with the OW makes me angry

I'd just be glad he's using someone else as his workhorse/provider/paycheck/verbal & emotional punch bag.

Wonder how long she'll put up with it for, wonder will ge actually step up and provide for himself if he thinks he can't make her the next provider ... he diesbt sound like he could do it, he sounds very disordered.

[RockinHorseShit]

Please read you post back to yourself. My god woman do you not actually realise just how amazing you are. Why are you wasting your time with this man who brings you absolutely no joy at all by the sounds of it. You and your DC deserve better

[Geppili]

Divorce his sorry, cheating, lazy stupid arse! You are amazing and you will do so much better without him. He is scared he is going to lose all the good things you bring to his life. What good things has he brought to yours?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@justilou1 that sounds wonderful! Keep doing what you do and regardless of what you decide you will have choices!

@SleepingBunnies21 I believe she is still married so he is on his own technically but you are right! If they do end up together she can deal with his inability to deal with normal day to day life stress.

@RockinHorseShit I keep coming back to this thread to read my own comments as well as all the wonderful advice and it is slowly starting to work. I agree with you like many women I think I don’t appreciate myself enough! I am fuckin amazing and we would not have lived the life we have if it weren’t for me driving it all. Unfortunately I lost me along the way so no more being last!

@Geppili it’s in the works. Finalising the financials and then 12 months from separation I can file for divorce.

I wish I could explain some things better without potentially outing myself as to why I’m getting the rage! Basically nothing in our life happened unless I made it happen. He would whine about shit but didn’t take the action necessary to make changes. He took the cowards way out and started an affair rather than get uncomfortable and talk to me but separate to that he was/is incredibly selfish (something I guess I overlooked ignored because I loved him). It’s all been about his feelings his anxiety. Ever since he got told he has anxiety he has used that as an excuse for everything to avoid uncomfortable conversations. So frankly in my view he is a self serving little prick that I don’t need in my life and I am working on my rage about that. He has stonewalled me at every step so for a person like me who likes to solve /fix problems and then move on it’s been tough.

I realise from all you amazing people that I’m gonna have to figure out how to let that go so it doesn’t eat away at me. Not easy!

[Geppili]

Well done! It must be daunting and scary, but you will be so much better off in so many ways. Use this thread as ongoing support.

[myheartskippedabeat]

@Ifeellostandhurt01

"So he had an affair what now"

I'm reading this thinking if your friend wrote that or told you that, what would you say?

I'm preety sure you'd save divorce this low life

You sound lovely and hardworking he sounds disrespectful and horrid I'd get rid

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@myheartskippedabeat 100% I would say leave! Plus a few choice names 😂. sometimes not as easy to just do it so many things you worry over or overthink but I got there in the end!

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I wonder if those have experienced this or going through this have any advice? Something that’s been bugging me for a while and it’s on ongoing issue. Why is he always defensive and angry. So for example

the kids behaviour towards him at times must be because I must be bad mouthing him (I’m not) and not because he cheated and they met her thanks to him;

his business failing is everyone else’s fault;

OW was wearing skimpy clothes;

If I say anything and he perceives it as criticism or an attack- so basically anything less than being polite and nice at all times he is defensive and angry.

I don’t understand it? And it does have some impact on me as I end up getting angry back at him.

So I guess why does he do that and what can I do to avoid getting sucked into angry exchanges.

[RockinHorseShit]

So I guess why does he do that and what can I do to avoid getting sucked into angry exchanges.


He does it because A. He's a dick & he can. B, he still can't take responsibility for his actions because he's a man child & he'd much rather blame you & not be the bad guy, so he deflects onto you. In his head, that's what you are there for.

Kick him out, he deserves nothing more from you, he's taken enough already. How friggin dare he have so little respect for the mother of his children 🤬

[Buildingthefuture]

This entire shit show is of HIS creation. And somewhere in his tiny mind, he knows that. But, it’s not palatable is it? No one WANTS to look in the mirror and see a lying, cheating scum bag, someone incapable of honesty or loyalty. So, instead of actually facing that reflection and working to become a better person, he blames you, or OW or anyone really! Because that’s easier and “safer” for him. His anger and defensiveness comes from the fact that he KNOWS he is so far in the wrong, but he just cannot face it.
Go “grey rock” ?…if he gets angry or defensive just respond with “oh dear” or “ok”…..His behaviour is NOT a reflection of YOUR worth, it’s a reflection of HIM as a person. And that’s on him. Leave him to his angry little life and concentrate on YOU and DC. He isn’t worth your mental energy xx