So he had an affair now what?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

He's going to tell you you haven't supported him (even though it's a massive lie) that's all he's got! How dare he! Him creeping around you now is pathetic.

Do you need an STD test?

Thank you everyone you all make sense. I do feel angry but it doesn’t last long it’s always replaced by this overwhelming wave of sadness and I can’t seem to move past this weird limbo. I know I can do this, I just feel so sad that our children will be affected and will come from a hone that is broken.

Apparently he has a new appreciation for me and he has been wrong all these years and plans to be the best husband ever.

I know I need to give myself a kick up the arse. Neither of us have family here. I’m NC with my parents (a whole other story) but I do keep in touch with siblings.

It was always us against the world. It’s hard to let that go and being soft hearted it does upset me to see him so broken too. I need to learn how to be kind to myself first I think.

This is a serious issue.
Due to my experience,
Please take note if you put all you had into a pot and had to divide absolutely everything into two .
On your half how would you feel.
Pensions everything,long term marriage.
Lawyers fees etc.Barristers as well
There will be scoop for negotiations but start from there.

This is where the road to a divorce starts.
It’s a tedious hard road but doable if you accept that it could go either way .

Just because you say he should move out doesn’t mean he should or Hé has to it’s his home as well.
It’s just not true all the he has to move out stuff.

Well, he can be a better husband to someone else now can’t he? Get yourself a solicitor on Monday and get that ball rolling. Don’t let on that you’re going to see a solicitor as by the sounds of it he’ll try to worm and beg.
I can’t believe he had sex with her in your home. Bad sex, so bad he went back for more.
Horrible that he can’t tell you he loves you.

I remembered your original post. Wow, op, I did not expect you to give the dick a second chance! Bloody hell! You know you are just his gravy train?

It’s eighteen months since you first discovered (some) of what he’s done. He’s had plenty of time to start being the best husband ever and yet still hasn’t.

I’m so sorry you’re still going through this @Ifeellostandhurt01 I remember reading your post from before. How has he been in the intervening period? Has he got a new job? Are things still crazy with your work? Logistically how would a split affect you with home/childcare etc?

Also, him being suicidal is a red herring. You can’t stay with him because of that - instead, if he ever does anything that worries you on that score you need to dial 999 and get them to deal with him so (a) he gets the help he needs or (b) he stops making threats to control and manipulate you.

for you. You’ve clearly tried to get past this but at what point do you draw a line and say you’ve tried but it’s not enough?

Oh OP, I'm gutted you're still with him, you deserve so much better. Have you considered the impact on your children as a result of you staying? Your home is already broken, it's one where your husband treats you with no respect, care or love, and you do absolutely everything. They're seeing all of this and they're learning about relationships from it. It can't possibly be worse for them to have you divorce and for you to be happy.

I’m sorry but he’s a waste of space and a cocklodger.
You have done everything.
He’s sulky, jealous and unpleasant.m
I’m wondering if your upset due to the level of support he has had from you - sounds draining - how you have invested in the marriage and had little support from him.
Do you actually care for this man.
What would you say to a friend who had a husband like yours?
You cannot fix him - I’d would ask him to move out to give you space.
I’m sure he will turn nasty if he doesn’t get his own way.
Call the police at any whiff of violence or threats.
You are a very capable woman. You will thrive without him.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think about having to make a decision. I know I will have to at some point and it scares me.

Oh OP, you said that months ago, and you’ve been suffering all this time. Please make the break. You know he’ll never genuinely change, the miment he thinks you’ve given up trying to escape he’ll be back to his old ways.

Breaking free is painful, but the pain is over quickly and all the good stuff is ahead. Please don’t grow old with him still dragging you down.

Your children too deserve better role models and a happier home.

Good luck.

@Palaver1

Just because you say he should move out doesn’t mean he should or Hé has to it’s his home as well. It’s just not true all the he has to move out stuff.

Only a dick would try and stay in the home when his wife has been doing the earning the financial stability all the parenting (note they had sex while she was away with the dc) the cooking and cleaning, the helping him close his business, and .... he had the affair.

Are you seeing a counsellor on your own OP? If you’re not then you should be.

You need therapy and you need a solicitor.

You should have left this piece of trash years ago.

You’ve romanticised it all in your head and as this “us against the world” love story but it’s doesn’t sound like it’s either been an “us” or if there was it was many many moons ago. Even before the affair you are detailing years and years of having to deal with your husband’s moods dictating your life, him being angry and frustrated and unwilling to work on how he managed it.
You’ve detailed a relationship that has been unequal for years and a man who has taken you for granted and shown no real love and respect.
Then he went and fucked someone else in your house and gave them all the nice parts of himself.
You do realise he would have done it sooner if he’d found someone willing right? It was always going to happen because this is what men like him do.

So what part of that sounds like a love story of you two against the world?

Wake up, tell him your marriage is OVER, if he won’t leave then sleep on the sofa or in with one of your kids. Get a solicitor on Monday and find a therapist to help to unravel this mess so that you can leave this disaster strong and capable and excited for a future.

I know it is hard and you will feel an immense sense of loss but what you are mourning is the idea of what you have lost - look at it again, you haven’t actually lost a great love. You’ve lost a man who has been emotional useless for years and has betrayed you time and time again

OP with respect your children ALREADY come from a 'broken' home. It is now time to take steps to repair that. You are so industrious and innovative that you will create them a beautiful stable supportive home on your own with all the toxicity and joy sucking gone. Hopefully he will do the same and in time you can pull together to co parent-but thats on him now. Your children deserve and you deserve to live in a tension free light hearted happy home.

He is such a child. But that's not right because my children take far more responsibility than he does. You know in your bones what you need to do. It is hard, but like pulling off a plaster. He has broken your trust and given so little over the years, taken you for granted. And NOW, when he realises he's blown his cushy lifestyle suddenly he's trying to keep you. But it's still all him him him

Op reading your post I'd take your husband and the affair out of it and ask yourself what you think you deserve in life
Are you simply an emotional punch bag for your husband when he can't cope with the stresses of business? A financial crutch to bail him out ? The peace keeper?
That alone would be enough to find your self esteem and tell him to stand on his own two feet .
The affair at this point I'd see as a bonus, let some other mug take him on while you get your life back .
FYI I left ex dp for the first set of reasons because I didn't want my son to think this is how men should behave .

@june2007

TBH you don,t sound like you like him and it sounds like the affair was because of the probs in your relationship, not relationship pronbs becausde of the affair. You have a choice, choose to work on your marriage and address the problems you mentioned or move on.

Jesus. I can't roll my eyes enough at this The OP isn't to blame for her husband being spineless

Your kids aren’t tiny little kids. As adults they may well be happier with two independent individuals in their lives rather than a completely dysfunctional parental unit. Parents don’t suddenly stop influencing our lives when we hit 16 or 18. If you decide to stay together I’d say he needs an ultimatum which is that you’re no longer going to be a doormat and he needs to step up properly and that includes domestic tasks but also running his own business himself or getting a proper job that he can deal with without an unpaid partner holding his hand at every step.

It sounds to me that you have put so much work into maintaining normal life with him that to get rid of him would be like being on holiday for you. Nothing, literally nothing, could be more like hard work than what you've already been through. You sound so resourceful and able - you could use those skills to change your life into a simpler one that works better for you. And that's before the infidelity - his inability to contribute in equal measure to your joint life means that you are just emotionally drained going into the infidelity.
Honestly he would have to change a huge amount for it to be worth your while putting up with him, and unless he shows actual gumption in making those changes, I think it's a no hoper. I think your lives would be so much bette without him. You are worth so much more.

Things I wish people had told me in the 100 years I spent trying to save a marriage mostly on my own:

• you don’t need his approval to leave him or to find a good excuse, not being happy is a good reason enough

• the kids will be fine, in fact they will be much better not living in such toxic environment and not assuming that’s what relationships are about.

• you will find out how much much much easier life is when you don’t have to be adulting for two people, you will find your self with far more free time, far less stress and work to do and in a much better mood. Your relationship with the kids will improve a lot.

• you will learn to live with less money and at some point you will look back and realise you live as well with less and can’t remember what so much money was wasted on.

• you need not to worry about what people will think, the one who care about you will be at your side, the ones that don’t... do not matter.

And no, you don’t need to prove he was having an affair, and to which degree, if this is the straw that broke the camels back, fuck it, he broke the marriage not you, you are free to go as you are not leaving because the affair, you are leaving because the years of years of hell he gave you, the affair is only the icing on the cake.

[quote Ifeellostandhurt01]@ravenmum correct no income. I managed to work out how to tag! Thank you everyone hearing from strangers it’s so helpful sometimes as I can’t seem to see the wood for the the trees. I have always been the strong one the get shit done person.

I look back over our time together (been doing that a lot these last few weeks) and he always hated socialising whereas I love company so we cut that down a lot. Kids love having friends but we would have to keep it to a minimum.

Lots to think about. I will be seeing a counsellor I think I didn’t realise how important it was that I do.[/quote]
OP this was absolutely my situation a year ago without the affair though. I called it a day after a long time agonising and drawing on Mumsnet. I had been doing everything. He had been moaning and was constantly financially unstable... like another child. My life has been wonderful since he left - not always easy but I am not constantly trying to 'make things better' for someone who can't 'do life' or make it happen. It has been utterly freeing despite the inevitable financial hit. I hope you can take control of your own life and direction rather than just being thanklessly left to control things for everyone else and pick up the pieces. I think the decision is often much harder than the aftermath for strong people like you!

It sounds like you have an unconscious belief system regarding marriage and/or relationships which is holding you back from moving forward. Mine was that I would never put my children through what I went through as a child. My parents had an acrimonious marriage and divorce. It was worse for me after divorce as we children became our mother's emotional punch bag and I became my father's emotional crutch (age 7).

So even though things were awful in my marriage I couldn't separate. My husband kept insisting he wanted things to work but his actions said otherwise. I'd been raised with do as I say not as I do so didn't recognise that if actions and words don't match, actions are more important. It was only when I realised that he really didn't actually want to be with me and that what he really wanted was to split that I was able to make the decision because, as crazy as it sounds, I loved him and wanted the best for him.

By this stage my mental health was on the floor. During this period I knew I was deteriorating and, at times, I was suicidal as I could see no other way out. It's taken years of counselling to unravel the damage and really understand why it was so important for me to keep trying to make the marriage work. The beginning of the end came when my ex kissed someone else in our social group which resulted in a lot of other stuff coming out. It took nearly another 5 toxic years to finally end it. Meant I was in a very poor position to parent my hurt children, recognise he wasn't interested in co-parenting etc. Was so much harder than it needed to be.

Do get a counsellor and look at why is so important to you to stay in this situation even though it's making you miserable. There will be a reason but once you understand it you'll have so much more freedom to choose - to leave or stay - without feeling stuck.

If he told me he had had sex with the OW in my house I would not be responsible for my actions. He would be in hospital and drinking through a straw.

From everything you've written, would your ambition be to spend the rest of your life with him?

He might change, but not in his current life circumstances. Is this your opportunity to wish him well and let him go?

Or, do you want to spend the rest of your life together?

Get rid. He is a complete and utter bellend with only his own interests at heart. You need to leave him!

I’m genuinely sad to read your update.

You sound sad, but the ability to change is all there for the taking. He brings nothing to your life.