So he had an affair now what?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

So sorry it has ended up this way. One piece of advice I can give you from personal experience is it is a total waste of time trying to get to the truth. Outside of any cold hard evidence you might have discovered, you only know bits of what happened from two very unreliable sources. One will desperately want to minimise his part in it and the other person may also want to minimise her part in it all, but equally she may be jealous and want to hurt you further. As crazy-making as it is to know that your life was not as you thought it was, you do have to accept that you will never, ever know the whole truth. To be honest, even if you did, knowing the truth won’t serve any purpose probably other than to hurt you more.
Put his behaviour in your past now, he did it, his remorse is too late, the details are irrelevant, so try not to dwell or pick over it all.
Concentrate on yourself now and how to strengthen yourself to cope with the end of your relationship and build a brighter future. XX

@Ifeellostandhurt01 You’ve had great advice on this thread, OP. I think a lot of your fear is coming from the fact that you clearly got together very young (if you’ve been together 30 years but only have children in early adolescence). I think that’s probably also why you put up with such an imbalance in your relationship (I remember wondering when you originally posted why him losing his job meant you got a third job; why didn’t it mean he got another job?).

You’re trying to save a relationship that shouldn’t be saved. It’s actually quite bad for your children to have a model where the mother slaves away and the father gives more or less nothing. They would be better off out of this situation and so would you.

I’ve told him it’s over I just can’t get past him bringing her into our home and the continuous lies which he claimed were to protect me from further pain 🙄

We will be putting house on market asap and each take our share and do what we need and look at joint custody in relation to the children.

I’m so sad it came to this. He had been pulling out all the stops so to speak, stepping up; apologising for taking me for granted but backing that up with actions but denied he had ever had sex with her in our house; minimised the extent of his involvement and continued to lie to my face so now I can’t believe anything.

My hope is that we do this all amicably as after all we have 2 young children and I am mindful of the impact a toxic environment can have, being a product of one.

So far he has continued to step up to his responsibilities and contributing to house and kids (he got a job after I told him he could fucking get one when I first found out).

So here I am on the one hand somewhat relieved as I thought I was going mad with my suspicions and on the other hand sad it has come to this. Hopefully he will learn some lessons from this about taking another person for granted and the importance of communication. I too have learnt a few lessons one of the key being I need to look after me too and not be at the bottom of the pile. I will be seeking counselling and have encouraged him to continue his (his childhood was lacking openly loving parents whereas mine were well gah that’s a story for another time put it this way if there was a licence to have kids they would have failed the test to get the licence).

I truly hope we can continue to co-parent in an amicable way and who knows one day we can be friends.

Anyway I just wanted to thank you all it has meant so much to me that I was able to reach out and receive so much wonderful advice and support. X

@Ifeellostandhurt01 even in your last message you still sound so invested in him- about him learning lessons, and encouraging to continue with his counselling. You sound very similar to me when I left.

Honestly, start prioritising yourself as you suggest. And I'm sure you will find that you will be stronger for it- be a bit more selfish as ultimately you're the only one looking out for you. He needs to stand on his own two feet and take some stock of what he's done and what the fallout is.

Give it time, but you will look back and admire your courage and resolve one day. And the fact that you had self respect. That is the very best role model you can give your children.

You can successfully coparent and your kids will come out okay. With a mum like you, they'll be alright!

Good luck

Op there's a lot here that sounds like codependency. You have a mistaken pride about being strong and efficient and endless supporting which sounds more like enabling. You have put him first to your own detriment for many years and it sounds like it's been a really unhealthy dynamic.

Who cares if he continues counselling or not or whether he learns lessons.

@Ifeellostandhurt01

You won't always feel lost and hurt, I promise you. Just keep breathing and taking one step at a time. Focusing on self-care is a really excellent idea. One day all this experience will prove to have been worth it. 💗

Pack his bags and live your best life!

Good on you for deciding that. You have done a world of things for him and your children. Time to step back, leaving you more time and energy to concentrate on yourself and your children. He sounds like a self absorbed and lazy pig, it sounds like EVERYTHING has to be all about him. The relief of not having to sort everything and everyone will be sweet

@Hanab exactly!!!

I don't think he deserves you at all. You are way too good for him you have done everything to support him and how has he repaid you ? By cheating on you. I'm sorry but you would be far happier without this looser in your life. Walk away with your pride and dignity intact and be strong you can do it. Good luck and best wishes

Let him go - it sounds like a whole heap of negatives and not many positives for you to stay in this relationship. See it as a blessing to be given a reason to end it!

I just wanted to wish you all the very best, OP. You sound like an amazing woman and I'm sure you will have many happy times in the future. Good luck with everything!

Update of sorts and a bit of a brain dump!

Since I last posted he has continued to act like a selfish DH (aka DickHead). His behaviour has continued to be unbelievably selfish. It's all about him.

Whilst we were under one roof (I foolishly allowed him to remain as I felt sorry for him!), he was very nasty towards me not physical but lots of verbal/emotional abuse. I did not accept any of this behaviour and kept avoiding him and he would follow me around the house. Knocked over my belongs intentionally, talking loudly to kids about things that were really for my benefit; questioning what I was spending my money on! He spent a whole day doing this during lockdown and then admitted he had done it deliberately as he was angry and needed an outlet.

I now realise from speaking to my psychologist he has been gaslighting and projecting. As all the things he accuses me of doing he has actually been the one doing if that makes sense? The way he has acted you would think I had the affair. This post would be 10 pages long if I put down all his shitty behaviour.

In regards to the affair itself, I never got any kind of closure as he would shut me down and claim I was making him anxious. I feel so angry about this it's like he shut me down and I have all these questions.

During a drunken ramble, he confirmed he had cheated at the beginning of our relationship and had used the services of escorts prior to hooking up with OW. So wondering whether I should reach out to her to let her know to get an STD check or even to reach out and ask questions? Not sure what this would achieve to be honest I'm probably torturing myself.

Thankfully I was able to move out in July and the house sold in late September.

Most days I am good, focusing on my health and fitness and the kids but I won't deny its hard. I randomly cry and its lonely when he has the kids. He seems so cold now it's like we were never married? That hurts if I'm honest. Not that I want him back! I just need to go through the diary I have been keeping to remind me why I wouldn't want to not that I have ever been tempted. Also I think I would be ok with him dating (I think) but I don't think I would be ok if its the OW. Is that strange?

Sorry for the long post I just had to get it all out.

I should add I have drafted an email of all the things I have wanted to get off my chest about his behaviour but not sure whether to ever send it! He thinks we are "friends" because I have been amicable at all times in regards to kids and whilst sorting out sale of house.

Well he’s a despicable and disgusting waste of skin isn’t he? You must feel enormously relieved to know for certain that you’re not crazy but absolutely same to be rid of this tumour of a person!!! Live happily ever after without him!!!

@justilou1 most days I do feel relieved and some days unbelievably angry! I’m working on my happily ever after x

[quote Ifeellostandhurt01]@justilou1 most days I do feel relieved and some days unbelievably angry! I’m working on my happily ever after x[/quote]

I am so so glad you are free OP ... you will find happiness again and you will smile again 🌸

[quote Ifeellostandhurt01]@justilou1 most days I do feel relieved and some days unbelievably angry! I’m working on my happily ever after x[/quote]
Well you've got good reason to be angry haven't you? He wasn't who you thought he was, he betrayed you and didn't show you a fraction of the love and care you showed him. It's like there were two relationships- the one you believed you were in and the one he was in.

That being said, you're well rid of the waste of space. I can imagine it will take a long time to adjust to your new life, but I can guarantee that it will be a happier one.

You are an amazingly strong woman and should be so proud of all you have achieved and still emotionally and financially supporting this selfish man. He had the cheek to bring her to your home and make you cook for her and took her out but did not acknowledge your award or achievements. You would be so much better off without him and for the way he has treated you. He is obviously jealous of your achievements and tries to undermine you to make himself feel better. This is my first ever ltb on here as you will be happier and have peace of mind without him. He showed his true colours and could not forgive him for the way he has behaved. You deserve so much better.

It’s hard now, but you’re going to be happier, you know. He was a waste of space even before you knew of the affair. It’s hard to see that clearly when you’re bound to still be reeling from it all. But now the house is sold you only need the briefest of contact with him over the kids - keep it that way. Then you can start to heal and move on.

You’ve done the right thing. He was never going to be what you thought he could be. All the best with your new and better life.

Just read your update and well done. You are such a strong woman. Things will get easier and imagine the things he has not told you he has done. He is gross and you are well rid of him. Just take each day as it comes and it will get easier. Be kind to yourself as he will never be happy. Do not show any emotion to him as he is just bitter now and probably thought you would never leave him.

There must be someone living a parallel life to yours OP, as I've heard this before, right down to the successful consultancy and third job.

From what I've read today, I wouldn't believe a word the husband says. He's trying to secure his meal-ticket. Lawyer up and protect your interests.

@ravenmum

Mine also invited one of his affairs to a meal at our house. He invited the last one, too, but she said no. From his emails he made it clear that it was all about the excitement of me not knowing who she was. Mine denied as much as he could, until finally I read his emails and they'd been sleeping together for months and months. I would doubt that your dh never slept with her tbh.

My ex also did this - he even brought her over to the hospital when I had our son, and asked her to look after our daughter at that time. I think there was that same reasoning - he liked seeing us together and me not knowing what was going on. It must have made things more exciting for him.

Men like this are shits. Like pp I would doubt that your husband only had an emotional affair and some texting and kissing. When two adults are that attracted to each other, and they have opportunity, they'll do more than kiss and text. Save yourself a lot of heartache, and leave him.

OP, it’s time for you to dive into new things in life. It’s a cliche, but it works. Fill your free time with a hobby, a volunteering position, adult learning, make new friends, meditation or even home improvements. Set small goals and tick them off. Make sure it’s a mix of things so you always have options- whether you’re at home or out.

Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find you don’t dwell on him, his dating life, his mental state or even what the kids are doing with him. The moments of revelling in your solitude get more and more frequent, I promise. You’re clearly a stoic hard worker, but divorce aside, life has more to offer. Don’t think of it as surviving the separation, but maybe catching up on all the fun that you missed out on due to an early marriage?

You left him behind years ago- in so many ways. In work ethic, emotional intelligence, maturity and general adulting. Now just get out of the habit of thinking about him. Fill your time and deploy your energies on uplifting and interesting things. It may sound trite, but it actually is easier than you think.

So what if the OW has caught something unpleasant. She came over and you cooked her lunch when she was having an affair with your husband in your bed. Hell would freeze over before I'd be doing her any favours. I'd just get myself checked out. I am sure that more worthy people might have a different view but, really, she is not your responsibility.

Thank you everyone for all your support and kind words. You have no idea how much that means. It has been a sad realisation that I have received more kindness, understanding and support from complete strangers than that DH.

@MadameMonk - I am working towards making myself busier, its hard at the moment as all my friends are couples. I am not ready to date. Given his lack of emotional intelligence I'm not sure there is any point in ever sending him the email I have drafted. He is so deluded that he truly thinks we are friends because I am amicable. His behaviour post affair has been extremely self serving and absolutely toxic when I decided to end the marriage. There has been so much anger and venom directed at me and constantly angry and bitter.