So he had an affair now what?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

If he won’t move out can’t you do it ? You need a break to see things clearly .

@Ifeellostandhurt01 I've just read through your thread.

I've been in your shoes, including taking him back. We lasted two years and I buckled at that point. I look back now and wonder why I wasted that two years, but realise that I needed closure- and also that I wanted to have the certainty of giving it a shot for my ds's sake.

But... it was two of the most painful years of my existence. I know that sounds dramatic- but I have never felt as miserable as I did during those years. Separation, once I made that decision, was far far easier. I felt lighter, freer, and more like myself then I had done in my sham of an unhappy marriage.

There's a really good book on Amazon called "chump lady: survival guide to infidelity". I'd recommend it. She uses a phrase where she refers to the cheating partner as being "morally bankrupt", and questions whether as an individual you would want to be with someone who is morally bankrupt. I realise now (and did when I left him) that I was better than that, and was better off alone then with someone who had the capacity to be morally bankrupt.

FYI- 6 years on from finding out about his infidelity, I now have a new partner. I feel loved and valued, and he appears to not be morally bankrupt. I am getting a lot out of this relationship- far more than I did with exH of 9 years.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide

All your posts are about him and what he wants. Stop serving him. You don’t have to fix his problems. What would work best for you and how can you make that happen?

It sounds as though you've been holding things together for years, on many levels, but why? The way you describe your former relationship doesn't sound happy.

His affair has at least shown you both where you are, so that you can do something about it.

Given what your history together has been like, I'd see it as an opportunity to move on, if possible without hard feelings.

I understand your "contempt for them both for putting me in a situation where I cooked for her." But in time, I hope you can both feel OK about having put each other in a situation where what's happened was possible. For various reasons, it sounds as though both of you have been lonely for a long time.

Masking and compromise just become second nature in a relationship like that, but now you can move forward however you choose, perhaps even with hope and forgiveness in your hearts. Good luck.

I know it seems easiest to stay with this twat, it requires no change, no dealing with solicitors and divorce but in 10 years time you will still be married to a cheating lazy arse.

Go through the pain and rip the plaster off and you will heal and be able to move on and in 10 years time you will be happy and settled.

If you did a pros and cons list of staying together for you and your lazy husband then they would look very different. Yours would include its best of the dc, top of his list would be its best For him, he gets financed and carried through life.

Do you really want to be 80 and married to him?

He ... has been crying all the time, being very needy and wanting to grow old with me, that he loves me. But a few weeks ago he told me he wasn’t “in love” but did love me and the in love would come back.

and

It was always us against the world

These are all perfectly normal things to be feeling right now. I'd strongly recommend that you read Daphne Rose Kingma's "Coming Apart" -- even if you just "Look Inside" on Amazon, there is a lot of wisdom in those pages that I really think could help you right now. X

amazon.co.uk/Coming-Apart-Heal-Broken-Heart-dp-1573247294/dp/1573247294/ref=dp_ob_title_bk]]

When your husband was closing his business why didn’t he get a job - rather than you get a third one?

He needs to get a job - to try to recover some self esteem, to get him out from under your feet while you are working and to help the family finances. Whether you stay together or separate him working will help. If he is sorry about his behaviour he needs to show it and change it not just words.

I’d pack his bags today and sling him out...

I feel so angry on your behalf @Ifeellostandhurt01, this man has let you down. He's left you to support him by working and dealing with the family all on your own, he disengaged from family life, betrayed you and lied about it and he doesn't even have the decency to move out. This to me shows such a lack of respect for you and your needs and no understanding of the damage he's done. He sounds very selfish. I think he's sorry for destroying his life but not sorry about what he has done to yours.

I think he's sorry for destroying his life but not sorry about what he has done to yours.

Nail on the head. He broke you and doesn't care. Or doesn't care to open his eyes to what he has done to you. You trusted this man to keep you safe and fight the world with you and instead he brought it crashing down.
I feel you're not as strong in writing as you once were and it worries me that he's draining the last bit of energy and strength you have. But YOU need that. For you and the DCs. He cannot have the last of you. Make this clear.
You thought the therapy and honesty would help you move through this together. It hasn't and that's ok. You can change your mind back to divorce. You tried. You're allowed to change your mind just like you are allowed to separate a man who makes you miserable but always seems to come out unscathed whether it be work related, financial problems or the need for someone else.
He's shown you weren't enough for him before. I'm sorry, at some point you're not going to be enough again...

As PP said. Start listing your finances, assets, documents and get yourself a solicitor. DCs shouldn't be subjected to this fool any more. You've got the whole support of MN to keep you on track and help you get all you deserve. Closure being one of those things.
You can do this OP. You've been alone for the last 18 months, you're not now.

Oh, and get him out your house. For you're own sanity at least. You deserve some space

You’ve got so used to his behaviour, that it probably was just normal for you, but if you read it back and look at it as a third person, you will see that you’ve wasted far too many years on him. You’re lucky in that you are financially good - have a job and ambition. It will be hard to walk away from your marriage as you have been together so long, and will be anxious about a future without him, but once you e the decision to separate, life will start to get better, and you’ll eventually look back and wonder who you put up with him for so long. You sound strong - pull on that strength and start a new life without him. I know it’s a cliche, but you do only live once - why would you look back in your twilight years and realise that you’ve spent far more years being miserable than being happy?

He won't move out? Make things difficult for him. Don't do anything for him. Cook for yourself and the children. Don't engage with him. He really needs to leave.

The link I posted to the book doesn't seem to work properly 🙃 so here are just a few pages from the Introduction to Daphne Rose Kingma's "Coming Apart" (screenshots from the "Look Inside" on Amazon).

It's such a brilliant book, and at the end there are some very thoughtful exercises to work through that really do make a difference.

You are working 3 jobs, he is providing nothing, just a black hole of
"Me me me meeeee",
You know if he loved you he wouldn't have fucked OW in your bed ?
If he loved you, he would have been celebrating your award
Looking to find work, to help be a father & partner
Taking over the admin.
What purpose does he realistically serve ?
So he doesn't want to move out ? Me me me me me Well YOU don't want to live like this.

OK. is your house rented or owned ?
if owned, You move out & sell the house & he gets half the equity, & can go a do what the hell he likes with his life.
or if rented, You move out & rent another house, he will have to give up the house as he can't pay rent... & can equally fuck off & go & live where he chooses, under a rock would be prefect.

@mildlymiffed so sorry to hear you went through this and well done for getting out. The last few months have been incredibly painful and I’m not sure I could handle 2 years!

Wow @Alcemeg I need this book! I am struggling so much and the words all resonated.

@Winter2020 he was devastated at the loss of his business so I encouraged him to take some time out not knowing at the time he was having an affair.

Thank you all for taking the time to post and apologies if I haven’t tagged everyone but what you have posted has helped a lot.

I had an abusive childhood that was deprived of love, affection and kindness and I think I set my bar too low. I have noticed I have a tendency to struggle with boundaries when someone is being kind/nice to me. I need to learn how to be nice to myself.

I am scared for the future in the sense that I always pictured it with him, us growing old together. I also rightly or wrongly do worry about his mental health he is not as strong as me.

@Mix56 we own it. I need to get things organised and I need to get stronger. I’m seen as a strong person but struggling with this. Will be reading all the posts again as they help and getting the books recommended.

Good luck, @Ifeellostandhurt01. You will get through this. Believe it or not, you will thrive! You will look back on this one day and consider it the best thing that ever happened to you. I promise.

I know it's unbelievably painful now, and it will be for a time. I think that book will really help you. XXX

When I first learned to drive, I used to think it was terrifyingly impossible. I couldn't get behind the wheel without worrying about causing a tragic accident. Then my brother pointed out that other people manage it, and survive, somehow. And this is a bit along those lines too... Not trying to downplay your agony, which is very real. Just trying to give you a way of coping with it.

OP as @Alcemeg says you will survive and thrive .
It will feel scary right now but trust me you will look back and see that this was the restart for you , and your life will be so much better going forward .

Take care and lift the bar higher - you deserve it .
And don’t feel sorry or worry about him .
You’ve carried him for far too long .

Best of luck

He's never been worth it OP
Get out before you waste the rest of your life.
Your kids will grow up and leave home, do you want to be stuck with him for ever, he sounds awful and has absolutely nothing going for him at all.
He'll end up in some bed sit on his own, blaming everyone else other than himself.
Get out asap, and begin living.

You need to keep him uncomfortable,
Not cook, clean, do his paperwork
Not let him back in the bedroom
Not give him any money
Not fill up the car with petrol
Not pick up his shit, all bit it laundry or his narative.
he just wants you back to be submissive, useful, & cash cow.

See a good recommended divorce lawyer, get informed. Information is power.
Do not go to joint counselling, it is pointless & he will manipulate you.

Is he working yet or is he scared he will lose his cash cow?

Sorry to hear your story - please don't focus on keeping the relationship going for the sake of the children having their father around - that can happen if he wants it to - without you shouldering the burden of paying for it all and organising it all. His happiness is not your responsibility. Going forward try to find what would make you happy. I'm sure it feels like a mammoth task but from my own experience I can say that we are stronger and more capable than we think.

Kick that lazy mother fucker out.

He's pretending he's sorry because he wants to keep his cosy lifestyle of doing fuck all, pretending to have anxiety and still getting sex from a pathetic ex employee.

He isn't sorry.
He doesn't have anxiety.
He is lazy.
He doesn't care about you.
He doesn't love you.
He only loves himself.

You deserve SOOOOO much better. You deserve to be happy, to feel loved and to have someone who does love you.

And he deserves to send his life alone and miserable.

Kick him out, divorce him and leave him to fend for himself. If he becomes homeless, the lazy turd deserves it. But he won't, he will slink off to his ex employees and become her stay at home pet. Let's face it, he's no man, he's an animal.

And make sure you get a good lawyer and screw the fuck out of your twat of a husband in court. He cheated. He should get as little as possible from you. Plus YOU supported HIM while he did nothing. He owes you money technically.