So he had an affair now what?

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

I have just signed up and this is my first post because well I feel lost and not sure what to do.

For background:

I have no family other than husband and kids. I’m the main breadwinner. Kids are still at school 11 and 13.

We have been together 30 years and married for most of those. He had his own business and I have a job well I have a few jobs! I will try to explain. God I hope it makes sense.

For most of our relationship every time issues with husbands business he would be miserable and it would be quite miserable at home for us both and then for the kids, short tempered, grumpy etc but despite many conversations, he did not do anything to change how he reacted to what would be considered normal business events. I would try to find solutions to help and support him each time which was on average every time an employee left. As he runs a restaurant that was fairly frequent.

I have carried the mental load for the whole of our relationship and did lions share of kids, all life admin, birthdays etc plus his business admin and my own job.

When we had kids I asked him to find better ways to deal with issues with his business but nothing changed.

He has always been thoughtless when it came to birthdays/anniversaries- I guess my expectations were too high I always thought at least twice a year he could think about me when I took care of everything else the other 363 days.

The last 2 years have been the worst and he wanted to shut his business but financially we couldn’t afford this I convinced him to keep going for another 18 months and I started a consultancy service which was profitable from the start as well as retaining my full time role aim being I build up my business to replace his income. Every day he would ask how much I had made so I asked him to stop as I felt under a lot of pressure. He continued to be short fused, being around him was hard work; all suggestions to improve his situation was met with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I have to admit I started to get less patient in fact I was quite short with him on many occasions and blunt as it was so frustrating.

Around 6 months before the 18 month deadline we decided to pull the plug on his business but in order to do that I had to take on an extra job. Instead of being pleased about shutting it down he was very upset I was supportive but I was also now juggling a lot of work so he could shut down his business and take time out from working. He told me he didn’t think I was supportive enough I told him I was upset especially for him but I also had all these responsibilities.

During the last 12 months (so both before and after shutting his business down) he stopped hanging out with us as a family and would disappear to the bedroom as soon as meal was done so I did all the bedtime etc.

He kept talking with and about a particular employee (now former), he invited her to our home for a meal as a thank you for her support and he asked me to cook something nice. He would organise to meet her and took her for lunch for her birthday. I got dinner with the kids at the local as we were watching our spending both for my birthday and our anniversary. During the time his business shut down I took care of all the admin related to it. In my own business I was a finalist for an award and I spent the evening by myself there was no celebration or any sign from him that he was proud of me or happy for me. I hit a few other milestones none of which he celebrated he was still upset about his business.

About a month ago I got suspicious and tried to check up on a few things then tricked him into admitting that he was having an inappropriate relationship with his former employee.

Apparently she was easy to talk to and supportive and things went from there. So some type of emotional affair for 12 months at least and then some kissing and sexting more recently once he shut down the business which was exciting apparently. I was and still am devastated. I’ve kinda buried myself in work and asked him to move out of the bedroom.

Since then he has become thoughtful and considerate. Got anxiety medication seeing a counsellor and wants to save our marriage. But I feel nothing. I cry a lot in private I’ve spoken to 2 friends who don’t know him but that’s about it. I’m planning to see a counsellor myself.

He wants to move back into the bedroom. Discovery was approximately 4 weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know what I want or what to do. I don’t feel anything when I look at him. Life kinda continues as normal.

So thank you if you got this far. I would love any advice or thoughts on my situation and happy to answer any questions. I have changed a few minor details as he knows I’m on this site, been a lurker for a while never thought I would need to post.

Thanks.

[Nemo57]

Hi OP it sounds like you've been put through it here. From reading you haven't been happy in a long time and then he goes and does this so I understand your way of thinking. This may just be the final push you needed to make a better life for yourself. It's hard to hear how you have tried for so long to help him give him suggestions etc yet this fell on deaf ears but apparently 'she' was helpful. I think you will be going through so many different stages of grief and emotions atm and probably will hit the angry stage soon. It's nice to hear he's doing bits but my problem is how long will it last? I only say this as I've been in relationships with deadbeat guys who seem to always develop first World problems when there are people going through much worse and just moan rather than do. They all promise change and yea it's nice for a short time but never lasted not for me anyway. You deserve better and you know you do so take your time putting it all into perspective. I certainly wouldn't let him move back into the bedroom yet though I don't think your ready for that yet you need time to heal.

[NTKnow]

@ravenmum is your ex still with this OW?

[NTKnow]

I know we all don't want to say LTB but this affair apart, he hasn't even been a good husband to her! It's easy to forgive someone that's got "just that one flaw". Best case scenario is, he stops having affairs and continues treating you like shit. Do you want that?

[ravenmum]

She cheated on him and they broke up after 4 years.

[WhySoSensitive]

But I feel nothing

You’ve answered it yourself.

[Sarahandco]

It sounds like you are carrying him and the emotional affair is one thing but that he disengaged from you and the kids for 12 months I would not be able to forgive.

He wants to keep the marriage going now because he probably realises you have had enough and he depends on you to do everything for him.

People often worry about how hard it will be becoming a single parent but for many, life becomes a lot easier and the workload drops not increases.

[NTKnow]

@ravenmum hahaha! Love when the player gets played. I wonder-- did your ex ever regret leaving you for her? Do they regret stuff like this? Life is not fair sometimes.

[Krazynights34]

Hi OP, sorry you’ve been through this.
I’m going to largely echo others - he’s an absolute fucking dick to you. No redeeming features that I can see.

Re the question of whether you love him...sometimes love is not enough!
He is draining you!

Some posters on MN seem to think that marriage is the be all and end all and to preserved at all cost (not many, but some). Yep, that’s what we say in our vows etc but I don’t recall signing up for various forms of abuse.
No way would he be touching me again

Sometimes the biggest cuts heal the best!

[ravenmum]

My ex did come along and apologise at one point, shortly after they broke up - for "breaking up the family" - but he really enjoyed the affair, and he's tall and decent-looking, doesn't find it hard to get younger women interested. So I should think he's been having a lot of fun. Doubt he regrets anything, but he probably misses the convenience of an uncomplaining wife at home and wishes he had someone to share the mortgage with.

[TheVanguardSix]

Have you read this back to yourself?

Oh my god. THIS.

I'm reading your post, OP and thinking, as soon as he's gone, her life begins! The affair's a symptom of the problem (the problem being your husband is an unsupportive, unloving arse wipe who checked out yonks ago. Why wouldn't he want back in the marital bed? There's more money in your purse, more security. He's not giving that up for a bit of nookie!).

Here's your post-it note proverb for the day, OP:

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

I was in your shoes. Very similar character to your husband, my ex was. I went back for seconds, let him back in. Guess the ending?
Do yourself a favour and live a life of joy and happiness. Get this musty old cobweb of a husband out of your breathing space. He sounds miserable as sin. And you sound way too capable and competent to be babying such a lazy husband and father. You're too good for him!

[CathyLovesHerKid2000]

Leave the man!
Lots of love,
Cathy

[Opalwindfury]

My heart breaks for you up OP no ones deserves to be treated so poorly. I would honestly advise you to take some time at least a couple months and just sort out your head instead of bringing him back into the mix and maybe you’ll realise how much better it is without him! Remember OP a person will only treat you as bad as you allow them to so make sure if you do bring him back that you are putting your foot DOWN! Do not settle for the same crap again.

[Mum4Fergus]

In all honesty, even without/before the affair, I'd have divorced him years ago

[Dontbeme]

Op, I guarantee you don't have the full story. He will have admitted to everything he thinks you know or were close to discovering. That was almost certainly a physical affair

This was my experience also, denying everything until I had proof otherwise. It almost broke me that he was denying what I knew to be true, it was crazy making behaviour.

I would recommend you don't let him back in your bedroom OP, he will be trying to minimise and sweep everything under the rug for his own convenience. I would recommend counselling for you, not with him. Maybe also have a read of the Chumplady.com website, and also seek good legal advice so you know where you stand and to protect yourself financially. Sorry you are in this situation, take care of yourself.

[HollowTalk]

In what way could you have supported him more? Bought him condoms for when he was dating the OW?

[GreenOlivesinGin]

I don't think that it is always impossible for the relationship to survive an infidelity, but here the issue is not the infidelity (only). Even without it it seems you are supporting the marriage and the family on your own, mentally and financially, and without even any emotional support from your husband. The infidelity is the cherry on top. His remorse does not change the fact that as a husband and as a father he has been absent for years in many ways, and I am not sure if he can change that or if he even understands the wider issues. I think you carefully need to consider whether your day to day life would actually be better and easier without him. You need to decide for yourself of course but it does sound like you are not getting much out of the marriage and that's before we even get to the infidelity, which in this set up may just be unforgivable.

[ravenmum]

He's got no income now, is that right? So he's keen to stay?

[81Byerley]

@Ifeellostandhurt01 He does nothing for your special days, yet he took her out for her birthday? he got you cooking for her and brought her to your home? You're doing all that work but you aren't supportive enough? Do you know what I'd do? I'd chuck him out now. Just pack his things and tell him to go to his bit on the side. I guarantee that once you're over the shock of losing this disloyal thoughtless piece of shit, and you don't have the financial burden of him hanging round your neck, you will feel a huge weight lifted from your shoulders.

[EKGEMS]

Please stop torturing yourself about his bullshit claim you "weren't supportive enough!" He's a lazy,useless,cheating piece of shit and you are far better off without him in your life! Read chumplady.com he's following the script

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@ravenmum correct no income. I managed to work out how to tag! Thank you everyone hearing from strangers it’s so helpful sometimes as I can’t seem to see the wood for the the trees. I have always been the strong one the get shit done person.

I look back over our time together (been doing that a lot these last few weeks) and he always hated socialising whereas I love company so we cut that down a lot. Kids love having friends but we would have to keep it to a minimum.

Lots to think about. I will be seeing a counsellor I think I didn’t realise how important it was that I do.

[madcatladyforever]

He is a parasite, you need to ditch him. he even got you to cook a nice meal for his mistress, he should have been wearing it.
now he has the nerve to want to come back to your bedroom.
Serve him with divorce papers and let him suck on that.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@EKGEMS I will I think someone else recommended that site and another one. Thank you. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about having to make a decision. I know I will have to at some point and it scares me.

[Ifeellostandhurt01]

@GreenOlivesinGin that is exactly it. The affair has caused me to reflect and realise how shit it has been. Honestly I tried to help I think I’m a fixer and doer and maybe he needed more listening. If bad things happen to me I focus on solutions. This situation there is more at stake and I mean the children.