Relationship with married man for a year! Now what...

[conb123]

I know it's awful and I will be judged. But I have been in a relationship with a married man for over a year. His partner discovered the affair a few weeks ago and he's gone back to his partner and I am beside myself. It's literally as if I have never existed. How could he do this to me. Is it time to move on? I have wasted a whole year on this man. Promises me the world then drops me as soon as she finds out.
Some constructive advice needed please.

[quote Separatedandabitsad]@conb123

Ok ... so he told you he was leaving her but never told her about you for a whole year. Are there children involved? I’m guessing there aren’t or you would have mentioned.

It’s a sad situation OP with no winners!

You asked for constructive advice so this is mine:

• let it all out now. Don’t turn this into your life. If you need to speak to him, do it now and don’t wait two years. These emotions can last a long time I imagine.
• ask yourself why you were attracted to a married man and if maybe you need some help around that (some therapy maybe?). Why did you not feel you deserved someone all to yourself?
• Atone. I have never done what you have done but I have made mistakes that I deeply regret (most as a teenager!) and I have atoned by being the kindest nicest version of myself I can possibly be.

Good luck OP.[/quote]
What a sensitive, kind and constructive piece of advice. Amongst all of the moral opprobrium here, it is nice to see a compassionate response. Nobody chooses who they fall in love with and unfortunately this person fell in love with a married man - Was she naive? Was she hearing what she wanted to hear? Was she taken in by this guy? Yes, to all of those things but I don't think she deliberately wanted to cause pain to anyone. I just hope OP can grieve properly and move on to someone nice and leave the 'love-rat' in his self imposed cage (marriage) with a vengeful wife who wants her pound of flesh every day because believe me, once the 'victory' of 'winning him back' wears off, that wife is going to make him pay for years and years and years that is if she doesn't divorce him sooner!

I was in your situation once, many years ago. I loved the man very much and contemplated taking my own life as I was so devastated by the outcome.

My advice is to treat it like a bereavement. He no longer exists in your world. You will go through immense pain and grief, but life will get better in time.

You are worth more than this. I look back now and am shocked at how I behaved. It was very wrong and I regret it. Put it firmly in the past and keep it there. Do not contact him.

[quote Baws]@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander
Of course they are entitled to be upset but to take this out so viciously on someone they don’t know on an internet forum is not acceptable. I find the ‘he clearly loved his wife more’ comments concerning too! Surely that has to be very unlikely? He cheated on her for a year! It’s more likely he is unhappy but staying because it’s easier and he isn’t ready for the lifestyle changes and upheaval. Getting divorced is not easy or cheap! I stayed in my marriage for several years for these reasons and I know plenty of others who have too.[/quote]
This! If people are truly happy at home they don't stray. Of course, there are total womanisers out there who are almost like sex addicts, often juggling several women but I think that sort are few and far between. Most married men don't have the guts or finances to go through a divorce when push comes to shove.

Yes, an insignificant part of his life for over a year. He’s showing you now how insignificant.

I do hope you haven’t made more of a fool of yourself and tried contacting him.

How could you do it in the first place, a married man. It’s sick.

Both you and his wife should go no contact with him.
I wouldn’t want him as a gift, so you’d be quite welcome to him! He will cheat on you even if you do manage to bag this ‘prize man’.
Unless you were living together then you were just his bit on the side, the excitement from what he considers to be his boring life. He doesn’t think much of his wife or you does he!

Move on, watch a Bridget Jones with a bottle of wine and box of chocs! Have a good cry and think yourself lucky. His poor wife has to deal with him now. Don’t take him back, and look for someone single next time! Good luck!

@Suzi888

Both you and his wife should go no contact with him. I wouldn’t want him as a gift, so you’d be quite welcome to him! He will cheat on you even if you do manage to bag this ‘prize man’. Unless you were living together then you were just his bit on the side, the excitement from what he considers to be his boring life. He doesn’t think much of his wife or you does he!

Move on, watch a Bridget Jones with a bottle of wine and box of chocs! Have a good cry and think yourself lucky. His poor wife has to deal with him now. Don’t take him back, and look for someone single next time! Good luck!

Exactly his ego is probably massive now from having wife and gf fighting over him. Both should fuck him off he's not a prize is he?!

You were the shag.

All he told you was lies. Cheaters lie.

People get angry when they read this kind of thing because it triggers that fear in them for their own relationships. Life is not so black and white in reality, relationships are complicated. A person cannot necessarily be expected to remain in an unfulfilling relationship forever, because it is the right thing to do. So they have affairs. However when it comes down to it, the responsibility of being marriage and not hurting that person can make them try to do the right thing once it all comes out. Contrary to popular belief, people who have affairs aren't all awful selfish people. They are just trying to find happiness or work out what is wrong in their lives, while trying not to hurt the person they married. It never usually works out well but that is what is going on.

You loved him and you are devastated cos he has left you after promising he wouldn't. Of course you feel awful. Go into 'surviving the breakup' mode, as you would with any other break up.

Erm it says BOTH

An insignificant part of his life for over a year?

Sadly yes. Hard to hear but you were a convenient shag. He's used you, be angry.

Oh god, you're that poster. Yeah, my sympathy has gone rather. You slept with him on the night you met him, you posted about him. Everyone said it would end like this, you ignored them THEN, and this is where my sympathy vanishes, you phoned his wife to give her all the gory details. I don't care how much you were hurting that was down right nasty, it was done just to cause her pain. In your other posts you have come off as self centered, in and completely lacking in self awareness. Now it's turned out how you were warned it would, seriously take a step back, re evaluate yourself, avoid him like the plague, and hey, concentrate on your kids not some bloke for a while.

I didn't know she deliberately phoned the wife wtf how spiteful and nasty just because he wouldn't leave her for you. He certainly won't now OP.

** Exactly his ego is probably massive now from having wife and gf fighting over him.
Both should fuck him off he's not a prize is he?!**

^This! How is it that women end up fighting for a man like this?? There are decent men out there.

You had an affair with a married man knowing full well he was married. Did you never stop to think and tell him if he wanted to be with you he should leave his wife first? Then you would not have wasted a year of your life. It is an affair because he would never leave his wife, for whatever reasons, not necessarily because he loves her more. You gave yourself on a tray and he used you. If he had any feelings for you, he would have left the wife first. Next time for your own sake find someone who is single.

There is every chance he did love you, had and has very strong feelings but still chose to stay where he is, for now at least. Not every man who has an affair is some cackling Machiavellian bastard, delighting in how he has two women fighting for him. Some are just ordinary people messing up, making mistakes, weighing up different things, especially the welfare of their children. I've been there and the pain is unbearable and while it will lessen, it will remain part of you. My advice though, is to have it soften rather than harden you and to see yourself and all the other people involved as ordinary people muddling through and often getting it wrong

Oh has OP name changed for this then?

How could he do this to you? It's as if you never existed? He did the same thing to his wife why are you so shocked? Seriously OP never put yourself in this situation again he was clearly lying to you. Imagine how she is feeling stop thinking of yourself

Sorry, you're moping about what he has done to you, but you had no such worries about what he was doing to his wife.

Oh, please. You can't help who you fall in love with?

You could try not having sex with them. You could try not meeting up with them. You could try not having intimate conversations with them.

You can't help who you fancy. You can't help which of your colleagues you find more congenial. You can help what you do about it.

(and no, I've never been cheated on and I'm not bitter - I'm speaking from experience)

I think you should focus on the positives:

1. You have just got rid of a cheating liar.
2. A year is not too long in the greater scheme of things for you to get past this upset.

I really don’t like the “bitter wives brigade” comment though. My dh cheated on me when the kids were small (they’re teens now, he’s still here with us) and the utter devastation that it caused me has rather broken my nature, which was previously kind and happy. I am alright, although more cynical and harsh, having been so badly hurt like this. Yes I am bitter about it. I didn’t deserve it. This is the reason for the vitriol you have received on here. It isn’t just wives that are injured, it’s wider family and friends.

Young children? That would mean that the focus of their relationship is not on him as much as he would like. Bless him, diddums.

I'm definitely not a bitter wife , but you were rather, shall I say, silly to believe anything he told you.
He was cheating on his wife, why wouldn't he lie to you?

You might have been lucky if she kicked him out, but you'd only be a consolation prize.
And you'd never know if he'd cheat on you as well.

I do hope you didn't involve your child in your affair with a married man.

Get yourself some self-respect and choose your relationships more carefully. Preferably with men who do respect you enough not to be with another woman at the same time.

I agree with everyone who has stated that what the OP did was very wrong.
What intrigues me is that the OP seemed convinced that he was going to leave his wife.
What exactly did he say - or do - to convince you of this, OP?

Painful lesson all round.

You were just a cheap thrill to him. He told you what he knew would get you to shag him.

Learn from this. Don't put yourself in this position again. If someone actually wants a life with you - they won't fuck you for a year while making promises.

@EpochTime

I agree with everyone who has stated that what the OP did was very wrong. What intrigues me is that the OP seemed convinced that he was going to leave his wife. What exactly did he say - or do - to convince you of this, OP?

He said he would leave his wife, I imagine...

And that he and his wife didn't have sex anymore.

That they were only together for the kids.

That she doesn't understand him and she takes him for granted.

The stuff that most of us realise is cliched bullshit designed to keep the OW around on the sidelines waiting to be chosen.

Tale as old as time really, run of the mill, cliche affair chat.