I feel betrayed. Opinions please.

[Marlieandme82]

I just would like other's perspectives on this please and to know if I'm blowing things out of proportion.

On Saturday night my DP and I had both been drinking quite heavily. We live in separate houses and his mum was staying over at his. We were talking on the phone about very personal issues about our relationship and about a miscarriage I had with his child late last year. I was also talking to him about how I would like to ttc next month for a baby as I feel my time is running out (I'm 39).

At some stage in the conversation I realised I couldn't hear him very clearly. I think I might possibly have hearing issues anyway so put it down to that. He later admitted he had put me on speakerphone without my knowledge.

The next morning I had a real go at him as this is not the first time this has happened. The last time he did it alwas at his mum and dad's house when his mum was walking in and out of the room. He later admitted that his mum who had been in the next room had heard some of the conversation but "not all of it" and nothing to do with the miscarriage or any personal details. I'm absolutely fuming and feel so humiliated.

Then today he hasn't contacted me even by text all day although he normally would every hour or so. Apparently it was because he didn't want to burden me with his problems. Ah right, so it's ok as long as your mum isn't staying with you?! I feel he's just using me for company and as a sounding board.

Another thing that has got on my nerves is that he has recently discussed our relationship with his mum and with a female family friend if his. Surely a 34 year old makes up his own mind?

Anyway, thank you and rant over.

Don't have children with this man. You live in separate houses for a start. Why is that? Is heavy drinking a normal thing for you both? Does he live with his mum? So many questions and nothing of what you have said make me think this is a relationship that is suitable for bro gong children into. Time might not be on your side but don't let desperation lead you into bad choices.

I always think that if your phone is on speaker and others can hear, you should say so. It’s a massive lack of confidentiality and trust if you don’t.

I’m not sure drunken phone conversations about miscarriages and TTC is a good idea, anyway.

But I agree with PP. This sounds like a disaster. Don’t bring a child into this.

@OhCaptain I understand your point but even if not drunk it's something that still really hurts me and I thought I was speaking to him in complete confidence. The fact we were drunk is possibly irrelevant as I have spoken to him many times about it when sober and would still feel absolutely betrayed if I knew his mum was in on the conversation.

Well, you know you can't trust him with your privacy.

Is it only his sperm you want, because it sounds like your relationship is really rocky.

I am absolutely cringing thinking back on the things I said to him. How dare he have me on speakphone.

Why don't you live together?

@MobLife we did but decided it's better to live separately.

This really doesn't sound like a relationship stable and mature enough to be planning TTC at the moment.

I'm really sorry for your previous loss, I think sometimes it's hard after one not to want to try again soon in hopes of it numbing some of the pain.

But really think about whether this is a man you trust enough and feel safe enough with in general to go through the rest of your life as a parent with.

[quote Marlieandme82]@MobLife we did but decided it's better to live separately.[/quote]
Why's that then?

[quote Marlieandme82]@MobLife we did but decided it's better to live separately.[/quote]
But were still going to have a baby together?

[quote Marlieandme82]@MobLife we did but decided it's better to live separately.[/quote]
Why on earth would you want to have a child with someone you can't live with?

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for your very kind and sensible comment. He probably isn't the man for me but I'm becoming increasingly desperate for a child given my miscarriage last year. Also, my twin sister has a beautiful child who I absolutely adore. I would like that for myself.

It's because we argue too much when living together but haven't had many arguments in the 9 months living apart. Some people get on better living separately maybe.

This isnt a decent relationship and would be madness to bring a baby in to it.

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand that you are in pain, but this is not the person you want fathering your child. You will be connected to him for the rest of your life, and you can't even live in the same house as him...please don't do this.

This all sounds miserable. Can't live together but planning a child. Getting pissed separately and arguing on the phone. Him sharing your private talk with others.

You don't need a baby this much. Or if you do, consider proper sperm donation instead of using this one.

@Marlieandme82 yes some people do. However, people who want a baby together probably shouldn’t!

I understand your biological clock is ticking but this isn’t the man for you and I really think down the line you’d be creating so many problems for yourself and an innocent child who’d get caught in the inevitable shit storm.

You don’t need a boyfriend to have a baby. Have you looked into alternatives?

@OhCaptain I haven't considered alternatives. Are there many out there?

Wouldn't you be better trying to find someone you could have a conventional relationship with?

If you can't live together, basically you're going to be a single mum, aren't you? You'll be doing all the grunt work and broken nights while he swans in and out?

And you'll be giving up your opportunity to find someone you could live with, by keeping on with him.

So how will coparenting work? Its different if you were together then split up, but bringing a child into the world that you know will shuttle between homes isn't great.

Does he want a baby or just you?
Would he make a good dad?

This is the sad problem when women get to this age...it becomes desperation.

A sperm donor seems to be a much better option than a bad relationship..

It is desperation and I am desperate. I would prefer some sort of father figure than none at all. He is very kind in lots of ways but just such a child and it frustrates the life out of me. He listens to his mum over no other. I don't know what he would be like as a dad.

Don't have a child with this man, you may feel 'desperate' for a baby but it is really unfair to bring a child into this relationship.

I was kind of just thinking I would be a single parent and would have the support of my family. I want a child so much.