I feel betrayed. Opinions please.

[Marlieandme82]

I just would like other's perspectives on this please and to know if I'm blowing things out of proportion.

On Saturday night my DP and I had both been drinking quite heavily. We live in separate houses and his mum was staying over at his. We were talking on the phone about very personal issues about our relationship and about a miscarriage I had with his child late last year. I was also talking to him about how I would like to ttc next month for a baby as I feel my time is running out (I'm 39).

At some stage in the conversation I realised I couldn't hear him very clearly. I think I might possibly have hearing issues anyway so put it down to that. He later admitted he had put me on speakerphone without my knowledge.

The next morning I had a real go at him as this is not the first time this has happened. The last time he did it alwas at his mum and dad's house when his mum was walking in and out of the room. He later admitted that his mum who had been in the next room had heard some of the conversation but "not all of it" and nothing to do with the miscarriage or any personal details. I'm absolutely fuming and feel so humiliated.

Then today he hasn't contacted me even by text all day although he normally would every hour or so. Apparently it was because he didn't want to burden me with his problems. Ah right, so it's ok as long as your mum isn't staying with you?! I feel he's just using me for company and as a sounding board.

Another thing that has got on my nerves is that he has recently discussed our relationship with his mum and with a female family friend if his. Surely a 34 year old makes up his own mind?

Anyway, thank you and rant over.

Thank you so much to the people who replied honestly but kindly. To others, can I just say what a sanctimonious lot you are. How dare you call into question what I would be like as a mother. You don't know me at all but yet seem fit to pass judgement. Judge not, lest ye be judged. I am assuming you are perfect mothers yourselves.

Your boyfriend is a violent abuser with no boundaries, who will use any child as a way to maintain control over you. Do not under any circumstances have a baby with him.

If you want to have a baby by yourself have a look at the "solo" pages on the Donor Conception Network www.dcnetwork.org

@Marlieandme82

Thank you so much to the people who replied honestly but kindly. To others, can I just say what a sanctimonious lot you are. How dare you call into question what I would be like as a mother. You don't know me at all but yet seem fit to pass judgement. Judge not, lest ye be judged. I am assuming you are perfect mothers yourselves.

No, we don't know you we only know what you've posted.

Stand back and read objectively what you've posted. Would you advise someone in that position to get pregnant?

Possibly not but equally I wouldn't tell them they'd be a terrible mother.

OP, I absolutely understand your desire to be a mum, and the fear of your biological clock, but please please please, do not have a child with this man.
You need to think about the long term implications of having a child with someone who has proven themselves to be abusive (to the point that you can no longer live with him). You're going to have to co-parent for the next 18 years, and you'll have to trust him to care for your child while you're not there. Is he really the type of man you want to do that with? Think about the influence he will have over the child and the environment the child will grow up in.
PP's have already given you some ideas of alternative ways you can achieve your dream, so I don't think all hope is lost for you. Its definetely doable

His mother won’t leave you in peace if you have her grandchild. Go for someone else.

Thank you so much to the people who replied honestly but kindly. To others, can I just say what a sanctimonious lot you are. How dare you call into question what I would be like as a mother. You don't know me at all but yet seem fit to pass judgement. Judge not, lest ye be judged. I am assuming you are perfect mothers yourselves.

You came onto an internet forum and asked a bunch of randoms to judge your DP from a drunken conversation and few other random snippets. Then you are upset at the feedback.
Read, Learn, dont have children.

This is the most selfish post I've read in a while. You're so desperate for a baby that you are willing to let a child be fathered by this twat. What sort of life is that for a child? You don't care about this future child, just your own need to get a baby. They are not possessions , they are human beings who deserve more than you are willing to give them.
Please do not have a child with this man. And re-think the becoming a parent until you appreciate children's need come first.

You only need to read a handful of posts on here about growing up in toxic environments/selfish parents to see how damaging this would be
FFS

@Marlieandme82 I really feel for you, I was desperate for children in my late 30’s and 5 years older than DP. It caused relationship strain/arguments and I felt uncomfortable around his parents, because I knew they wanted grandchildren - and I was struggling to conceive. I needed IVF and after 3 rounds I had DD. I had DS at age 47 (using a donor egg). It has been an absolute rollercoaster, but I DID get there in the end. DV is - however - unforgivable. And I wouldn’t want to coparent with a potentially violent man.

@Marlieandme82

Thank you so much to the people who replied honestly but kindly. To others, can I just say what a sanctimonious lot you are. How dare you call into question what I would be like as a mother. You don't know me at all but yet seem fit to pass judgement. Judge not, lest ye be judged. I am assuming you are perfect mothers yourselves.

You are not in the headspace at the moment to healthily parent a child. Just yesterday you were considering TTC with a man who is a violent abuser.

Saying you aren't in the headspace at the moment and need to mature, heal and think before even considering becoming a parent was not sanctimonious of me, it was honest and measured.

You think that it is cruel to say someone actively wanting to get pregnant by a violent abuser because of their own desperation to be a mother and envy of people who have children already. I think it's more cruel to bring children into situations where a parent is not currently capable of showing good judgement or making decisions in a child's best interest.

You may be a fantastic mother one day, I don't doubt that. My point was that at the moment your motivations for having a child coupled with your lack of instinct as to what is a high risk / selfish decision mean you're not in a position to safely and healthily parent at the moment.

You lashing out at people giving that honest feedback is sort of reinforcing tha really.

That was meant to say:

You think that it is cruel to say someone isn't read for parenthood if they have recently been actively wanting to get pregnant by a violent abuser because of their own desperation to be a mother and envy of people who have children already.

@Marlieandme82

Possibly not but equally I wouldn't tell them they'd be a terrible mother.

Yesterday you were talking about wanting a baby in this environment.

That would absolutely make you a terrible mother.

If you break away from this toxicity, do some work on yourself, get to a space where you’re healthy emotionally, mentally, and financially then there’s no reason to assume you wouldn’t be a good mother.

But sorry - harsh as it is, you are far from that right now.

@Marlieandme82

Thank you so much to the people who replied honestly but kindly. To others, can I just say what a sanctimonious lot you are. How dare you call into question what I would be like as a mother. You don't know me at all but yet seem fit to pass judgement. Judge not, lest ye be judged. I am assuming you are perfect mothers yourselves.

Op. Sorry. As a pp said, wanting a baby for the sake of with a violent, abusive man has 'social services' written all over it. That makes your judgement poor and your boundaries worse.

Harsh though these comments are, I hope you're paying attention because this no woman in her right mind would knowingly and deliberately put herself in this situation if her self worth, self esteem and boundaries were in a good place.

No child deserves this start in life.

Op I was close to your age with a mandatory hysterectomy looming. I desperately wanted a child. If you want to be a single parent, you need to sit down and figure out how that would work - finances, childcare, support from other people. You could find a sperm donor in the internet.

I decided after careful consideration it wasn't for me but I felt better once I made the decision. (I did end up having a baby with a partner two years later but that was unexpected).

Having a child with this man is a terrible idea. I came to that conclusion before I got to your update about the DV. Run away from this man.

Him putting you on speakerphone is really not the issue - you were both hammered drunk.
The actual issues are -
You are 39 and both seem to have alcohol issues
You are craving a child but seem reluctant to consider what being a parent really means
You and this man can't live together
You certainly can't provide a stable loving home
He has an inappropriate relationship with his mother

If you do decide to pursue motherhood you need to finish this relationship (imagine being pregnant around a violent man!) and address your drinking.

It's not about what kind of mother you would be, it's that you'd be creating a child with an abusive father they would be tied to for life. That is a terrible burden for a child who didn't ask to be brought into the world.

Things cannot be good for you to be contemplating bringing a child into domestic violence. Of course that is concerning to people.

You are worth more than continuing a violent, abusive relationship, and any child of yours is worth more than being brought into a violent, abusive situation.

Sperm donation would be eminently more sensible.

Have you done the Freedom Programme course?

Sperm donation.
Fuck buddy.
Random on tinder.

A stranger would be better as then at least there's a 50/50 chance of being someone decent, rather than a confirmed abuser.

@Marlieandme82

Possibly not but equally I wouldn't tell them they'd be a terrible mother.

But do you understand where people are coming from?

What are your thoughts now?

@Nanny0gg I do get it thank you. I understand that I should definitely not have a child with this particular person. I won't do that as have realised what a manchild he is irrespective of everything else. My main gripe was with people saying that if I do have a child I would be a bad mother. I assure you I am a very kind and loving person and would be extremely protective to any child I brought into the world. I will explore other options. Thank you to the person who provided the link.

People said you would be irresponsible to become a mother at the moment not that you never should. You can only be healthily protective of a baby once you're in a healthy headspace yourself and you need time to recover from the trauma of this relationship before considering it - that doesn't happen quickly. I realise you read it as if people were saying something different but that's what people meant if you read back - you need to do some work on building yourself into a robust and healthy place mentally before thinking about being a parent. That's something everyone has to do.

OP, a child needs security - a mother who will protect him/her from violence. A child needs a financially stable home with good role models. It isn't good for a child to be brought up by alcoholics (I'm not saying you are and you haven't said that, but just in case heavy drinking is a regular thing).
Most of all, a parent needs to demonstrate good judgement. By continuing to see this man who was violent towards you, and even worse, TTC with him, you haven't shown good judgement. Please think about this. You can be a great aunt. Maybe you can adopt or foster if you run out of time. If you can financially afford to bring up a child on your own now, they you can afford to use a sperm bank or other fertility options.
Maybe you can block this man and have time to meet someone who would make a good father. Either way, drop this guy. Privacy for your online chats is the least of your problems.

To others, can I just say what a sanctimonious lot you are. How dare you call into question what I would be like as a mother. You don't know me at all but yet seem fit to pass judgement

Meh.
The very first decision for your child and you didn't even consider the impact your CHOICE of father would probably have on them. That you would do that to a child because YOU are so desperate for a baby tells me all I need to know.