I feel betrayed. Opinions please.

[Marlieandme82]

I just would like other's perspectives on this please and to know if I'm blowing things out of proportion.

On Saturday night my DP and I had both been drinking quite heavily. We live in separate houses and his mum was staying over at his. We were talking on the phone about very personal issues about our relationship and about a miscarriage I had with his child late last year. I was also talking to him about how I would like to ttc next month for a baby as I feel my time is running out (I'm 39).

At some stage in the conversation I realised I couldn't hear him very clearly. I think I might possibly have hearing issues anyway so put it down to that. He later admitted he had put me on speakerphone without my knowledge.

The next morning I had a real go at him as this is not the first time this has happened. The last time he did it alwas at his mum and dad's house when his mum was walking in and out of the room. He later admitted that his mum who had been in the next room had heard some of the conversation but "not all of it" and nothing to do with the miscarriage or any personal details. I'm absolutely fuming and feel so humiliated.

Then today he hasn't contacted me even by text all day although he normally would every hour or so. Apparently it was because he didn't want to burden me with his problems. Ah right, so it's ok as long as your mum isn't staying with you?! I feel he's just using me for company and as a sounding board.

Another thing that has got on my nerves is that he has recently discussed our relationship with his mum and with a female family friend if his. Surely a 34 year old makes up his own mind?

Anyway, thank you and rant over.

@Marlieandme82

Looking at what I just wrote... What are my other options please? I realise I'm putting up with this just in the hope of having a child.

Adoption, fostering or a sperm donor would be much better options. You really want to be attached to a man like this for the rest of your life? I think you'd be incredibly selfish to have a baby with him.

Op you know in your heart that this relationship is wrong for you.
Do you really want to be sending your dc on his /her own to a man who is violent.
You need to end this relationship or if you carry on then you should actively prevent a pregnancy because no child wants to be brought up up in this environment.

You haven't missed your chance to have children you're 39 there is still time to meet a decent man.
This guy is abusive, get out of the relationship now.
Sorry you're going through this.

You'd be much better using a sperm-donor, or dragging some guy off the street into your bed than having a child with this man.

Crikey. This can’t be for real. There’s no point having a child with this man because you’re going to end up having it removed from your care if you do it with this man and I’m sorry but you don’t sound mentally well. I really think you need to talk to somebody. Get some therapy. This isn’t normal behaviour. Please get help.

@Marlieandme82

It's because we argue too much when living together but haven't had many arguments in the 9 months living apart. Some people get on better living separately maybe.

Do not have a child with this man, please.

I'd just like to add in addition to the other options other users have suggested, OP, the sooner you break up with his man, the more likely it will be that you meet a nice man that genuinely loves and adores you, and as an extension of that, wants to be a dad and have a baby with you.

Sure, if by a certain point in your 40s if you haven't met anyone, consider other options. You are, though, doing yourself a massive disservice if you don't give it a go to try and meet someone new. You just don't know who is around the corner.

It would be much better to break up, meet someone great and have a baby, or worse case scenario, break up and then consider other options in your mid 40s, than rush into having a baby with this man and spend a lifetime either in fear for your life, being abused, being manipulated and your child being used as a pawn to control you. That's even before you consider how that dymanic would affect a child.

You deserve more. Kick him to the kerb and go and see what you're missing.

OP, please consider a sperm donor, from a reputable clinic (given the health checks, etc). Don't have DC with this man, he's abusive, and believe me any DC you may have don't deserve an abusive dad.

Evening.

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, @Marlieandme82

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

Take care. With very best wishes from all at MNHQ

The reason we can't live together is DV but he blames me and says it's what I said to him and that he hates fighting. He made brains he never hit me. He didn't but he pinned me down and caused bruises on my arms and grabbed me round the throat

Yet THAT is the person you'd happily have father your child. How fucking selfish are you?
You seem to be all about what you want without considering what impact your crap decision will have on anyone else.

[quote Marlieandme82]@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you for your very kind and sensible comment. He probably isn't the man for me but I'm becoming increasingly desperate for a child given my miscarriage last year. Also, my twin sister has a beautiful child who I absolutely adore. I would like that for myself.[/quote]
If you are mad enough to have a child with this man he will be in your life for the next 18 years mimimum.

And what if he wants 50/50 with the child?

This is a disaster waiting to happen

(and that's without going into why you were both getting drunk in separate houses having a deeply personal conversation over the phone)

@Marlieandme82

The reason we can't live together is DV but he blames me and says it's what I said to him and that he hates fighting. He made brains he never hit me. He didn't but he pinned me down and caused bruises on my arms and grabbed me round the throat.

My god!

Block him now!

And if he is violent to the child? Then what??

I’m sorry I know how difficult it can be as I had unexplained fertility issues but please give yourself a massive shake OP and get this loser out of your life. 39 year old abuser living with his mother, does he have any positives?????

@Marlieandme82

The reason we can't live together is DV but he blames me and says it's what I said to him and that he hates fighting. He made brains he never hit me. He didn't but he pinned me down and caused bruises on my arms and grabbed me round the throat.

My physically abusive ex wanted a child with me...so we would always be connected (hindsight: so I couldn’t get away from him/he could have some control).

He never beat me either. But he did choke me, push me into traffic and pin me down while shouting about how much of a who’re I was (he was the 4th person I’d been with at 31).

If you have a child with this man your life will have ever again. Also, your child will observe it. If you don’t feel able to leave for yourself, do it for your future unborn child.

Sperm banks, one night stands (!), adoption...there are options available to you.

@MrsGrindah I bet you've had children and it all can easily to you. Correct me if I'm worng.

Ffs! So you want to prioritise your desire for a child over the happiness and safety of that potential child who would have an abusive violent arsehole for a father?! And you think other posters are being unreasonable to point that out, just because they might already have children themselves? Words fail me...

Please dump this creep and look into IVF with donor sperm. My friend went to Spain for this a few years ago, it was easier quicker and cheaper than it was here at the time, don’t know if that’s still the case but it’s worth looking into. She went to the IVI clinic in Valencia.

I understand the wanting a child but it is very selfish to being a child into the world when the parents aren't solidly together.

Please look at clinics.

@Marlieandme82

The reason we can't live together is DV but he blames me and says it's what I said to him and that he hates fighting. He made brains he never hit me. He didn't but he pinned me down and caused bruises on my arms and grabbed me round the throat.

And you want to tie this man to you and a vulnerable child for 18 years?

As for the violence...

Let's all take a bit of a breath here. The DV issue - OP is a victim of domestic violence! He's even got her thinking it was her fault - classic abuse.

OP this man is poisonous. If you have a child with him you will be tied to him forever.

And what if there are more DV incidents, and he keeps telling you it's your fault until you're ground down into a nub.

Don't bring a baby into this. You don't need him, lots of other options , donor sperm, adoption, embryo donation, surrogates. Your baby doesn't need a father figure. You can be everything it will need and more! You sound like a lovely kind person, but for now concentrate on getting shut of him, and getting yourself together. Make a plan for the future that does not include him.

Please don’t have a relationship with this man-child. He sounds far too immature and would probably be consulting his mum every five mins. Also, if you can’t live with him why would you want to bring a child into that situation? Good luck - without him....

Im sorry for your loss, miscarriage is really hard but especially when you think it's your last chance (been there). But it's skewing your thinking.
I think you probably asked here because you know things are not great. No one has said it yet but please look into the freedom programme, get some therapy so you can be kind to yourself. Then you can find the relationship you deserve. But this bloke ain't it.
I have two friends who have met someone, married and had their first child both in their early forties. You are not out of time.

Sorry, posted this before I saw the post about DV. In that case absolutely not!!! Get away from this man at all costs and stop the drinking.... please...🙏🏻

@Marlieandme82

The reason we can't live together is DV but he blames me and says it's what I said to him and that he hates fighting. He made brains he never hit me. He didn't but he pinned me down and caused bruises on my arms and grabbed me round the throat.

What the hell? You're thinking of having a baby with him? Are you insane?