Buying a property alone or move in with boyfriend

[Aury26]

Hi all,
In a real predicament that is really getting me down and anxious.
Was with my boyfriend for a couple of years due to move in with him and he pulled the plug two weeks before. He basically sh*t himself about moving in together. He suffers from anxiety and put it down to this. We broke up and I moved back in to my family home. This was about a year ago prior to lockdown and lockdown happened and I saw it as a real opportunity to knuckle down and save some money toward a house deposit.
Since then my boyfriend and I have rekindled things and they are going well.
He wants me to move in with him into his owned property and says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc. I am 34 and he is 38.
I would still like to buy a place of my own for my own sense of security, investment and self worth after an extremely difficult year. He thinks that if I go ahead and buy my own place to live instead of moving in with him, it is indicative that i dont see the relationship progressing.
I'm struggling to know what to do. Do i put off the house purchase and move into his home or do I buy my own place and potentially sabotage our relationship by denying us moving in together in doing so.
It all came to a head last night when he said he isnt sure what to do as he wants to progress things, me move in and start a family in due course. I would like to have the security of my own place even if it means i potentially am at his the majority of the time and am concerned if it doesng work again I will be back in the same position of having to move out and find my feet again.....

ALONE.

Honestly you’ve given him two YEARS to build a future but he’s chosen not to. Now you’re settled and happy and doing your own thing, he comes back dangling promises.

Buy your own place. Tell him that you saw his dumping you earlier this year as a sign that HE didn’t want the relationship to progress, and this is your safety net.

I think buying my own place would be the priority here.

says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc

He wants to just look at these things? 😆 Honestly, he’s had 38 years to “look at” marriage and kids. I’m sure he knows what they are by now. Buy him a picture book. Is he not even proposing..?

Please buy your own place. Worst case scenario, you can sell it on your 5th wedding anniversary to pay for a round the world cruise for you, him, and your three kids. Best case, it’s your future security when he gets cold feet again.

A nice man would understand that they’d freaked you out by dumping you earlier this year, and respect you for forging ahead. They wouldn’t emotionally blackmail you into being dependent on them.

I don’t like the sound of him at all.

Do you want to move in with him and make a life and have kids? Do you Love him through and through and want all your life’s adventures to be with him at your side? Will his anxiety enable him to be a great Dad, you and him back to back protecting your family against the world?

Why not buy a place that at is yours but rent it out? It is very sensible to want security and to invest in your future.

Or is he prepared to put you in the deeds of his house?

That’s the $1M question!

The fact that you need to ask makes it clear that you should definitely buy your own place. That someone that is still being indecisive at this age and after that long, as well as wanting everything their own way, probably tells you everything you need to knows. You have recovered and made a plan so I think it's important to follow it through. At the point you are about to secure your strength and independence he is making shifts to make sure that doesn't happen, whether consciously or unconsciously. (I would wonder if he's one of those that will get you to move in, then be unhappy and non commital, then you eventually won't have your savings any more as they eek away without the focus you currently have, and then, once you've split up he ends up marrying someone else really quickly while you are left in a worse position than now.) Buy your place!

Buy your own place, let it out and move in with him if you really want to do the latter. But do not let him mess you around again. He sounds like a spoilt, selfish man.

And there is a lot about what HE wants, having let you down so badly!

BUY YOUR OWN PLACE!

Even if he was the perfect relationship, having your own asset is the best thing you can do. Sets you up for your financial future. You shouldn't really buy properly with him unless you're married - you will have an arse of a time trying to sell or buying the other out, so much legal fees and even with joint names it's a nightmare. Not to mention stamp duty if you want to buy him out (you don't have this if you're married).

No relationship is guaranteed. Financial security is. Do not be bullied into signing your fund can future away for love.

He’s still avoiding commitment. I wouldn’t trust him.

Buy your own place anyway, even if you end up moving in with him.

I agree with your boyfriend.

Buy the house and insist that he moves in with you. He should sell or rent out his property to demonstrate that he’s serious about the relationship. Oh? Not keen? What a surprise.

@MacbookHo

says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc

He wants to just look at these things? 😆 Honestly, he’s had 38 years to “look at” marriage and kids. I’m sure he knows what they are by now. Buy him a picture book. Is he not even proposing..?

Please buy your own place. Worst case scenario, you can sell it on your 5th wedding anniversary to pay for a round the world cruise for you, him, and your three kids. Best case, it’s your future security when he gets cold feet again.

A nice man would understand that they’d freaked you out by dumping you earlier this year, and respect you for forging ahead. They wouldn’t emotionally blackmail you into being dependent on them.

I don’t like the sound of him at all.

Agree with this completely!

If I could drill it into women's heads how important it is to have assets of your own, not tied to a man, if you are able. Without it you are completely at his whim and mercy - why would you do that to yourself for anything less than a man who is legally married to you??

@HeddaGarbled

He’s still avoiding commitment. I wouldn’t trust him.

Exactly this! He has not really offered anything other than OP moving into his home, presumably paying her share of bills and rent and helping secure his assets for the future. He has not offered marriage, to have her included on the mortgage, only a vague promise of looking at kids in the future. You already know he is a bolter and unreliable. Buy your own home OP and enjoy the security it will give you.

I would definitely buy my own place. They it is yours - you are building your future for yourself. Never assume someone is there for ever or that they won’t turn into a selfish, awkward so and so.

Buying my own house in my early 30s was one of my best life decisions ever.

Now almost 10 years later it's sold and I have a joint mortgage and a dc with DP but my house provided emotional security and pride for me for so long (and a decent deposit for the next house!)

Get your own house 🏡

Buy your own place, ffs.

If he was saying "let's get married" then that would be one thing.

But he's saying "put your financial and housing security on hold while I fanny about".

He has a point about progressing the relationship, BUT basically he wants you to take on all the risk.

He's not risking anything. You move in, start paying half the bills, and he retains all security while you have none.

And what makes that worse is that he's the one who has demonstrated that he's unreliable.

I bet he'll be keener to start a family than he is to marry, because again, that's you taking all the risk.

I would go ahead with your plans to buy and secure your future.

What if he changes his mind again? It's a mistake to have got back with him. Buy your own house

Move in with him if you want to, but buy a buy-to-let too.

Buy a place then you have the option to live there or rent it and move in with him

100% but your own place. You can always rent it and move in with him and see how it goes. If it works out, great, you have a fantastic investment on the site, if it’s t doesn’t work out you have your own place to go to!

Read @category12 post over and over. This is exactly right

Has he worked on the issues that caused him to freak out and pull the pin 2 weeks before you were due to move in together last time.??
He is breadcrumbing you.

Buy a house. He should be happy for you and encourage you to get into the housing market.

It sounds like he thinks he sets the agenda?

Do you want marriage and kids a career you own property etc
Where are your priorities for you?
Do your life goals align?
Do you want those things with him?

In which order?

These are things to discuss and decide together imo.

Set the agenda together or not at all, I think, and make sure you are each as protected as the other if joining forces.

Buy your own place; making it clear to your boyfriend that it’s an investment for you and all going well you can rent it out in the future but it’s his actions that have meant that you’re not already living with him.
I’d be wary of being strung along; if by 38 he isn’t ready to do these things then he may just want to keep things how they are and never progress