Buying a property alone or move in with boyfriend

[Aury26]

Hi all,
In a real predicament that is really getting me down and anxious.
Was with my boyfriend for a couple of years due to move in with him and he pulled the plug two weeks before. He basically sh*t himself about moving in together. He suffers from anxiety and put it down to this. We broke up and I moved back in to my family home. This was about a year ago prior to lockdown and lockdown happened and I saw it as a real opportunity to knuckle down and save some money toward a house deposit.
Since then my boyfriend and I have rekindled things and they are going well.
He wants me to move in with him into his owned property and says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc. I am 34 and he is 38.
I would still like to buy a place of my own for my own sense of security, investment and self worth after an extremely difficult year. He thinks that if I go ahead and buy my own place to live instead of moving in with him, it is indicative that i dont see the relationship progressing.
I'm struggling to know what to do. Do i put off the house purchase and move into his home or do I buy my own place and potentially sabotage our relationship by denying us moving in together in doing so.
It all came to a head last night when he said he isnt sure what to do as he wants to progress things, me move in and start a family in due course. I would like to have the security of my own place even if it means i potentially am at his the majority of the time and am concerned if it doesng work again I will be back in the same position of having to move out and find my feet again.....

Don't move in until he's 'put a ring on it'. Buy your own place and rent it out if need be. But I'd get a firm proposal of marriage before moving in or next thing you know you'll be 40 and he will still not be ready.

Own house 1 million percent!

You need your own place, so buy it. No question about that at all.

He has demonstrated amply to you how flakey and unreliable he is, and he won't have suddenly changed, therapy or not.

Buy your flat. Live in it for a while and see how things pan out. If you do decide to trial living with him then rent it out on a short term contract. Either way, it is an investment towards your own long term security in light of recent experience with Mr. Flakey and Indecisive.

If you decide to live with him permanently and have children then insist on getting married first (registry office will do) and have your name on the deeds and mortgage of the house, as it would become a family home for all of you.

If he doesn't accept your reasoning for any of that then there is probably no hope for the future of the relationship as he won't be happy that you are not going to let him dictate everything.

My guess is that he will continue to find excuses for stalling things and for his failure to progress. Don't fall for it.

i would actually move him with him with a goal that you are engaged within a year.

Buying a house you rent out then sell is costly.

You haven;'t lived together yet so i'd do that first. You have your savings to buy in a year if it doesn't work out.#

You just pay him half the bills/etc, and make it clear you are saving your rent to pay towards a house in future, either seperate or buy into his.

The way he sees it is that IF I live at his I will be paying minimal contributions towards the bills and if the worst case scenario did happen, I would have been able to take advantage of being able to save even more money towards a deposit while at his

That doesn't ring true to me - why would a man who claims to be concerned about your commitment even care about your ability to save for another place?

As many PPs have said it's all about him, and if you did move in I frankly wouldn't hold out any great hopes of being put on the deeds, now or at all

I think you're insane to trust him even a little bit. He has already "freaked out" on you and I bet my house he does it again. At his age, he is not going to change.

It sounds like he doesn’t like the idea of you having options

Yes, exactly this

Was with my boyfriend for a couple of years due to move in with him and he pulled the plug two weeks before. He basically sht* himself about moving in together. He suffers from anxiety and put it down to this. We broke up and I moved back in to my family home. This was about a year ago prior to lockdown*

Flakey.... untrustworthy... not dependable ... 🌺

Since then my boyfriend and I have rekindled things and they are going well.
He wants me to move in with him into his owned property and says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc. I am 34 and he is 38

So is he asking you to marry him? No.. he's 38 he will not marry you... he is gaslighting you into thinking he will give you a future.... he won't... don't forget.. he totally panicked at the idea of you moving in... NOW he wants kids with you.. suuuure 🌺

He thinks that if I go ahead and buy my own place to live instead of moving in with him, it is indicative that i dont see the relationship progressing.

this guy is a piece of work... its all about HIM .... what he doesn't want.. is you having property.. independence ... a chance at a future with someone else with marriage and children...

he now suddenly' move in... because he wants you to help pay off HIS mortgage ... with nothing in return... no ring... no marriage... no kids... NO THANKS ... 🌺

don't be a Mug ... buy your own place ☺️

Hi all, thanks for the sound advice
I think i just needed to hear that the decision I was leaning towards (which is a huge one) was the right thing to do.
As an update I actually had a second viewing on a property this afternoon and put in an offer which has been accepted!
Terrified but excited at the prospect of being a soon to be home owner

Well done op! I don't think you will regret buying somewhere.

Good luck! I think this might give your boyfriend a bit of a wake up call

Aury26

huge Congratulations lady 🎉🌺

you have made the right decision ⭐️

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Fantastic update! Go you!!!

Thank you! Reading all these messages really gave me that push I needed x

Great news on your offer being accepted! It’s very scary but you are 100% doing the right thing. I am so SO glad I bought my own place, best thing I ever did.
Sounds to me like he doesn’t like the idea of you becoming too independent. It’s fine for him when you’re living with your parents, but he doesn’t like the idea that you will buy a place and gain independence/confidence (and maybe move on from him). Yet he can’t actually bring himself to commit to you. If he realised that the split was a huge mistake, then he would propose, instead of dangling the idea of marriage with no actual indication he is serious. I agree with everyone else. He’s only interested in what works for him.
Enjoy your new place. You might just realise (as I have) that living alone is by far better than living with someone else

Great update. Congratulations on your new home OP💐

Wonderful news, OP - I hope you'll be very, very happy in it

I thought you were talking about someone early 20s. If by 38 he is having anxiety about living with someone, when does he expect his life to start.
This man has time waster written all over.
Please be wise and be independent.

Congratulations on the house!

Yay 😀 congratulations

Well done @Aury26.

Congratulations and I hope you are in your new house very soon.

You should be proud of yourself OP. Well done
A partner should support you, not stifle your growth and emotionally blackmail you

Congratulations on the house @Aury26