Buying a property alone or move in with boyfriend

[Aury26]

Hi all,
In a real predicament that is really getting me down and anxious.
Was with my boyfriend for a couple of years due to move in with him and he pulled the plug two weeks before. He basically sh*t himself about moving in together. He suffers from anxiety and put it down to this. We broke up and I moved back in to my family home. This was about a year ago prior to lockdown and lockdown happened and I saw it as a real opportunity to knuckle down and save some money toward a house deposit.
Since then my boyfriend and I have rekindled things and they are going well.
He wants me to move in with him into his owned property and says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc. I am 34 and he is 38.
I would still like to buy a place of my own for my own sense of security, investment and self worth after an extremely difficult year. He thinks that if I go ahead and buy my own place to live instead of moving in with him, it is indicative that i dont see the relationship progressing.
I'm struggling to know what to do. Do i put off the house purchase and move into his home or do I buy my own place and potentially sabotage our relationship by denying us moving in together in doing so.
It all came to a head last night when he said he isnt sure what to do as he wants to progress things, me move in and start a family in due course. I would like to have the security of my own place even if it means i potentially am at his the majority of the time and am concerned if it doesng work again I will be back in the same position of having to move out and find my feet again.....

Take my advice, make your own plans and buy that house. If you feel you want to, let the two things run in parallel but dont let those lines cross. That is to say,run your own plans and house purchase and if you also wish to do so, run the "relationship" parallel with it.

If you dont, and you move in with him, i feel there is a real danger that if it derails you will be homeless. In reality you will be homeless anyway because you will only be a guest in HIS home.

I would buy the house you told us about. He might not be to happy when you tell him your buying a place and he may try and talk you out of this.
The reality is that he telling you what he thinks you want to hear. He talking about you living with him, marriage and kids but he not showing any effort towards this happening. When you listen to what he is saying you were getting a bad gut feeling and you wanted to get other peoples opinion on what to do.
I buy this place and live on your own for a while. You have had a lot to deal between him pulling the plug on you moving in, moving back to your parents and staying with them during covid. When you were at home you saved hard to get a mortgage. I hope you will be very happy in the new home you buy.

Congratulations on your new home!!

Move in with him. Keep on saving and go on his deeds. If you need to leave - but I don't think this will happen you have your safety net of money, it's a massive thing putting you on the deeds that also given you half his house, he has worked on himself, everyone - you included is allowed a 2nd chance. I took one and 18 years on have not regretted it but did worry about making it if this is your chance of happiness take it please

Well done Op. as a single mum the best present I ever gave myself was being financially independent. Always strive for that, you never want to have to rely on a relationship for your survival.

I would always advise anyone who is able to, to buy their own place first before buying with someone else, even if you think you have a bombproof relationship. If you have the means to do it then it just makes so much sense- if things work out then as a couple you are in a better position with another asset for your future, if things don't then as an individual you have your own property to fall back on. That he doesn't want you to have that security or independence yourself is a bit worrying to be honest.

My dh is really happy I have my own place. It’s rented out, provides an income, if we split I know I have somewhere....

We’ve been together 15 years. Listen he should be supportive of you and you having some independence.

OP bought the flat 🌺

best present I ever gave myself was being financially independent

Absolutely this.

But your own house , mine is a residential mortgage and the bank let me rent it out.
If he doesn't want you to have the security of your own house that's very worrying.
If you want to get on the ladder do it now and save on stamp duty.
It does all sound like it's all about him.

Buy your house as you want to move into that, see how things go. Move in with him if kids ae on the cards. Rent out your property but you need to have paid off 40% I think for a buy to let mortgage.

Don't get married until you are sure keep assets separate.

He sounds like a ditherer

You were supposed to buy together... he "freaked out" and bought on his own... but you're not allowed?

Yeah fuck that, congratulations on the acceptance of your offer OP, look after yourself and let HIM show YOU how committed he is. Or, get rid of him and find someone who will actually commit.

Well done OP.

@Aury26

Hi all, thanks for the sound advice I think i just needed to hear that the decision I was leaning towards (which is a huge one) was the right thing to do. As an update I actually had a second viewing on a property this afternoon and put in an offer which has been accepted! Terrified but excited at the prospect of being a soon to be home owner

Congratulations 🥳

Is it wrong that I want to see his Face .... when you tell him you bought the flat 🎉

If you're wrong, BlueThistles, then so am I

I've every expectation he'll carry on about how "crushed" he is, and that he'd "hoped to get married this very next year but now you've spoiled it" ... all nonsense of course

You will never regret buying a property, even if you buy and rent it out, it's always there as a safety net. If he has a problem with that, the. This is HIS problem and not yours. He should want you to have a safety net and ensure you feel secure.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

If you're wrong, BlueThistles, then so am I

I've every expectation he'll carry on about how "crushed" he is, and that he'd "hoped to get married this very next year but now you've spoiled it" ... all nonsense of course

totally 🤣

Glad you've decided to buy your own place, it's the right thing to do IMHO.

It is a worry as well if i rented out my place i wouldnt be able to just chuck the tenant out because i needed to move back in, so there is that too! Argh
With respect you're catastrophising. If you did let your place out, and if you were then in a position to need to live there, it's not as bad as you may think. You'd need to give the tenant 2 months notice, sure, but that doesn't mean you're stuck, and you'd only need to find a solution for 8 weeks. What you could do is put your belongings into storage (if required) and either move back in with your parents or lodge with someone until you could move back into your place. It wouldn't be long and, although not ideal, it's doable. Good luck

Have you shared the news yet OP