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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Buying a property alone or move in with boyfriend

120 replies

Aury26 · 17/11/2020 08:19

Hi all,
In a real predicament that is really getting me down and anxious.
Was with my boyfriend for a couple of years due to move in with him and he pulled the plug two weeks before. He basically sh*t himself about moving in together. He suffers from anxiety and put it down to this. We broke up and I moved back in to my family home. This was about a year ago prior to lockdown and lockdown happened and I saw it as a real opportunity to knuckle down and save some money toward a house deposit.
Since then my boyfriend and I have rekindled things and they are going well.
He wants me to move in with him into his owned property and says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc. I am 34 and he is 38.
I would still like to buy a place of my own for my own sense of security, investment and self worth after an extremely difficult year. He thinks that if I go ahead and buy my own place to live instead of moving in with him, it is indicative that i dont see the relationship progressing.
I'm struggling to know what to do. Do i put off the house purchase and move into his home or do I buy my own place and potentially sabotage our relationship by denying us moving in together in doing so.
It all came to a head last night when he said he isnt sure what to do as he wants to progress things, me move in and start a family in due course. I would like to have the security of my own place even if it means i potentially am at his the majority of the time and am concerned if it doesng work again I will be back in the same position of having to move out and find my feet again.....

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/11/2020 10:36

OP,

Thank goodness you are wary.
You have every reason to be wary.

He let you down, badly.

Now he's telling you what HE needs.
He's telling you what HE wants.
He's all about what will work for HIM.

Please be very very careful.

Your wariness is your gut telling you to be very careful.

He sounds very invested in what works for HIM.

I think you are very wise to think about what would happen if things go wrong.

Do NOT have a child with him in his home, unmarried and vulnerable.

Is he really THE ONE?

Be very wary of placing your trust in someone who let you down so badly before.
Flowers

Namechangeme87 · 17/11/2020 10:38

100 percent buy your own place !
Even if u let it out and move on with BF aswell

beavisandbutthead · 17/11/2020 10:42

Buy your own place! He has already got the fear and stopped you moving in. Your vulnerable to him asking you to leave when his anxiety gets to him again and he asks you to move back out.

Protect yourself, you can always rent your property out if you do want to move in. But at least you have a back up in the event he changes his mind.

jay55 · 17/11/2020 10:49

Buy your place and ditch the boyfriend who is holding you back.
You're wasting so much energy dancing to his tune, while he lives his life exactly as he wants to.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 17/11/2020 10:53

Buy your own place. He sounds flakey and immature. You need to do what is best for you

PaperTowels · 17/11/2020 10:55

This easy - buy your own place, and rent it out so you can move in with him. That way, if his plans to "progress" your relationship don't happen, you have security.

Abertropper · 17/11/2020 11:07

I would either move in and agree ahead of time the bills you will pay which will allow you to keep saving or buy your own place and live there for a bit. If in a years time you want rid of your flat you could sell it and put the money towards reducing mortgage on his place so it feels like W joint home not his home (obviously in this scenario you should be on the deeds!) .

londonscalling · 17/11/2020 11:07

Buy your own place. You could rent it out and still move in with him. He can hardly criticise you considering what he did previously!

BatmanBaby · 17/11/2020 11:09

Buy your own place and live there for a year. You need the space and time to be your own independent self. If he cares, as he was the one who broke it off last time, he can put the effort in a show he's serious about caring about you by supporting you doing this.

At the moment it's all about him, what he wants, how he wants to do it, his way or no way, which is just so wrong.

Whoooootaminute · 17/11/2020 11:15

Buy your own place..

He isn't committing enough of himself. You're doing all the compromising.
Buy a place. Live in it for a year or so and see how you feel then.

Listen to all the wise mumsnetters.. Flowers

PicsInRed · 17/11/2020 11:15

He sounds like he would be a huge pain in the arse to divorce and not terribly cooperative about any kids you had together and allowing you to move on in your own time.

I actually wouldn't bother taking this any further. Buy yourself a house and start dating again.

Remember though, as a home owner, to take care who you choose to marry as he could take half that house, force it sold, your half of the proceeds leaving you over cap for benefits and housing, and leaving you raising the kids in private rented. Choose very carefully.

FlyNow · 17/11/2020 11:25

Hmm not sure about this one. I agree with everyone that he seems flakey. But you've decided to stay with him. So based on that, I would move in with him. I don't think there's any point staying with him, but also living in your own place and dating him another how ever many years. You are both in your mid to late thirties, have been together a couple of years and want kids. If not now, then when?

I think your choices should be between breaking up right now and you buying and moving in to your own place. Or moving in with him and either continuing to save your money and/or getting a BTL.

TinkersRucksack · 17/11/2020 11:37

Get your own house. Please.

BlueThistles · 17/11/2020 11:44

for the love of god BUY YOUR OWN PLACE...

I know you love this guy and hope you have a future but EVERY option on the table... benefits HIM ONLY....

Please.... buy your own place .. its your own personal asset 🌺

tyrannosaurustrip · 17/11/2020 11:55

What is your plan if things go well? You're 34, how important is having kids to you? Do you really think this could work?

If your gut is telling you you're not able to trust him again, even if you feel you 'should' give him another try, I'd walk away at this point. If you do think there's a decent chance of giving it a go but don't want to be in a terrible position if it doesn't work out, I'd think about a plan that could work in both scenarios.

Honestly, I think what would be 'fair' is if you bought a place to rent out, he rented out his flat, and you moved in somewhere together. Moving in together is a big step about figuring out how and if you will live together in the future: you moving in somewhere where he has already decided where the laundry detergent is kept and how everything is laid out is different and gives him more power. I'd be tempted to lay out a timeline: you both take out a one-year lease on a flat together, with a six month break clause, in the hope that if things are going well at the end of that year you will get engaged and either move back into his place on marriage, if it is nicer, or consider selling both properties and buy a joint one. I'm saying a year largely based on your ages and assuming you both have a desire to have children.

For that year, I wouldn't intermingle finances too much. If you were able to also buy a two bed, I would suggest renting just one room out, so you both have an easy way out: I think given he has been flakey in the past it might be worth renting a flat you could continue to rent for the year on your own if you needed to. I think having a plan - it may not be this one- that moves you both towards a shared goal is fair, but you absolutely have to have a trial period and you shouldn't be the one delaying your plans or being exposed to extra risk. If it works out and you marry, well that's both of you bringing a property asset into the marriage. If it doesn't, then you have a security net.

showmethegin · 17/11/2020 12:29

If he was worth his salt he would want you to be as financially secure as him. I bought a house with my partner (not yet married). And even though he paid every penny of the deposit he was adamant he wanted it to be joint tenants and we spoke to the solicitor to ensure I had equal rights in case of relationship breakdown. Not romantic but sensible!

Any decent man would do this.

AgentJohnson · 17/11/2020 12:36

Stop letting this make the all the decisions. Get your own place, given his past behaviour I wouldn’t be putting all my eggs in his particular basket. It is possible to do both, why does he get to say it’s all or nothing.

It sounds like he doesn’t like the idea of you having options. Dangling the kids and marriage carrot, whilst he brandishes the uncertainty of your commitment stick.

Do not sleepwalk into a situation where you surrender your power for his future promises.

sunshinesupermum · 17/11/2020 12:45

Buy your own place.

StrippedFridge · 17/11/2020 12:47

If he dumps you for keeping a safety net then you will have dodged a bullet.

Buy it. Tell him it is a safety net because of his past behaviour. Tell him you need it for your own self-esteem too. If he objects then you know this is him being selfish again.

Live in the new place for a while. Why not? You don't live with him now so that's not a big difference. It gives you some thinking space. Then, after a while, if you want to move in with him, investigate renting the place out or selling up.

MikeUniformMike · 17/11/2020 12:50

@Aury26, not RTFT, but I think you should reconsider what you want out of life.

My guess is that if you move in, there will be excuses about progressing things, and at 34, if you are hoping to have children one day, you need to be thinking about finding a husband. I know that you have time on your side but you don't want to find 6 years down the line that you have no DC, no house and a non-committal DP or an XP.

Buy a house for yourself.

Trisolaris · 17/11/2020 12:59

What I did:
-Bought my own place with a two year fixed mortgage
-After one year got consent to let and moved in with boyfriend
-After two years remortgaged as buy to let.

billybagpuss · 17/11/2020 13:03

In your OP you twice said you want to buy your own place, I think that is your answer, in your heart you know what you want to.

RantyAnty · 17/11/2020 13:05

It seems like he bought the house when you two were still together.

He already has feathered his nest and he plans to keep on with HIS house whether you are there or not.

He said he plans to stay in the house for some time. Where does that leave you if you just live with him or if you marry him? Will he put your name on it?

Has he proposed this time around? Why not?

Right now, he is offering you a big fat nothing, zero!

Buy a house for yourself and feather your own nest. Live in the house and enjoy it.

I think right now, the way he treated you and then covid and living with your parents have affected you and that makes you a bit vulnerable. If things were better in your own place and you met someone really good, I doubt you'd be giving him a second thought.

mindutopia · 17/11/2020 13:10

Definitely buy your own place. If he wants to live with you and progress things, he can let his place and move in with you. There is nothing about having your own property that says you don't want a future with someone. Heck, I'm married to dh for 10 years with 2 dc and I would like to buy my own place as an investment property in the future (to sometimes stay there and to Airbnb). Obviously, it's different because we married and it's a marital assessment anyway, but nothing about it says I'm not committed to him just because I want to do something sensible with my money.

FakeFlamingo · 17/11/2020 13:29

Buy the house. Move in with him if/when you get married, not otherwise.