Buying a property alone or move in with boyfriend

[Aury26]

Hi all,
In a real predicament that is really getting me down and anxious.
Was with my boyfriend for a couple of years due to move in with him and he pulled the plug two weeks before. He basically sh*t himself about moving in together. He suffers from anxiety and put it down to this. We broke up and I moved back in to my family home. This was about a year ago prior to lockdown and lockdown happened and I saw it as a real opportunity to knuckle down and save some money toward a house deposit.
Since then my boyfriend and I have rekindled things and they are going well.
He wants me to move in with him into his owned property and says he wants to progress things and look at kids marriage etc. I am 34 and he is 38.
I would still like to buy a place of my own for my own sense of security, investment and self worth after an extremely difficult year. He thinks that if I go ahead and buy my own place to live instead of moving in with him, it is indicative that i dont see the relationship progressing.
I'm struggling to know what to do. Do i put off the house purchase and move into his home or do I buy my own place and potentially sabotage our relationship by denying us moving in together in doing so.
It all came to a head last night when he said he isnt sure what to do as he wants to progress things, me move in and start a family in due course. I would like to have the security of my own place even if it means i potentially am at his the majority of the time and am concerned if it doesng work again I will be back in the same position of having to move out and find my feet again.....

If you want to get married first then tell him and see what his actions are then. Meanwhile carry on with your house purchase

Also don’t let the marriage idea derail you. Men can string engagements out for decades.

Buy your own place. No matter what.

Thanks all. He has offered to put me on the deeds but i don't know if that is the right thing to do as it could get messy if things don't work out. He has also offered to invest some money in the property im buying but I feel like if I can afford to do it alone I should!
I suppose I am worried about buying somewhere and barely being there half the time. He has a lovely 2 bed house in a fantastic area in the sw of London near our families, i would only be able to afford a 1 bed flat in a not so desirable (but ok) location a bit further out, so I can logically see why we would live at his rather than mine if I did buy.
He's been through counselling to resolve his issues and I have seen a huge change in him but I am just so worried about being in a position down the line where im out on the streets with nothing if things dont work out.
I have no idea of the implications of renting out a property. I have been told you need to get a new buy to let mortgage and new FTB often cant get these types of mortgages? Plus the added stress and responsibility of being a landlord.... or am i making a big deal out of nothing in worrying about these things?

Buy your own property and then see where the relationship goes. The two are separate issues.

I have no idea of the implications of renting out a property. I have been told you need to get a new buy to let mortgage and new FTB often cant get these types of mortgages? Plus the added stress and responsibility of being a landlord....

Here’s your next move then, talk to a mortgage advisor and find out all the information.

Also the way he sees it is that IF I live at his I will be paying minimal contributions towards the bills and if the worst case scenario did happen, I would have been able to take advantage of being able to save even more money towards a deposit while at his. Its true but a very black and white way of looking at it, not considering the emotional turmoil of a break up, before spending months in rented accommodation while you try and piece your life back together whilst trying to find somewhere to buy which could obviously take months, as opposed to knowing you already have something in place for you

The stress and responsibility of being a landlord is what you do in exchange for the income and investment. It’s worth it.
Alternatively live in your new flat for a year then work out the technicalities for buy to let. It’s a good time to buy a small flat without a garden.
If his anxiety about change leads to him breaking up with you, how can you realistically see a future with him? Wouldn’t he just dump you again the day before the wedding or on the due date of your baby.

He's offering you NOTHING except you help him pay HIS mortgage.

You'd be the biggest fool on earth to fall for his empty hints of future committment.

He literally thinks you are so in love with him that you'll move in just based on a hint alone. Good god, he must think you're a mug.

You'll move in and he'll keep telling you he's thinking about marriage and kids, but every time you have the audacity to get annoyed or have a normal human emotion that isn't lovey dovey, he'll get "stressed" and all will be put on hold.

Meanwhile your thirties will be dropping down the pan.

Christ, I didn't even move in with my fiancé until we had booked the church! I was 32 and had no intention of being strung along by anyone.

I am not an expert in this but plenty of people buy a flat... and then rent it out rather than buy as a Buy To Let.

But yes, you would need to look carefully at the expense v income.

You can buy a place to live in on a residential mortgage, then if circumstances change you can ask your bank for a grace period to rent it out without converting to a BTL - I was allowed a year, then a year's extension when I got pregnant, moved in with my other half and rented my own place out.

From there, if you have a track record of paying your mortgage on time you should have no problem getting a buy to let mortgage - look carefully at the minimum equity requirements for BTL mortgages though. Due to house price rises in my area and a lot of overpaying in the first couple of years, I was about 50/50 LTV at the time I was looking to remortgage to a BTL.

I changed my mind on going onto a BTL and that house is now being sold so that I can go in with him on the house we both live in together (deed of trust).

Could something like that work for you? Assuming you own your own property and have a solid career which you intend to maintain once children come along, it is not necessarily true that marriage would be the best option for you. You need to weigh up all the facts, and take into account the fact that this dude is flaky. Perhaps consider independent financial advice?

To be blunt, you're 34. If you want children then you need a firm commitment from this guy or walk away now to find someone who will commit.

After your update I wondered

Firstly you:do you want a life with him marriage and family etc?

Secondly him: if you both merge your lives all at once into married, shared ownership of house inc deeds mortgage etc in a way that is financially fair does he still want you to move in on that basis?

If you both answer yes then there is possibly your answer.

Essentially it is perhaps make or break at this point but that’s not a bad thing he does have point about committing to the relationship but it goes both ways!

What do you want? Do you see yourself settled down with him, married with kids?

The only thing I would say is that as you are living with your parents and you have the money to buy, would a 6 month trial be a good idea? You can't really loose because if it doesn't work you can return to your parents and buy your own place then start looking elsewhere for a partner.

I do get the anxiety about making things permanent, we exchange contracts today hopefully on our first place properly together, you second guess yourself, is this the right thing? but I deep down know it's right for me - do you have the feeling of that you are meant to be together?

But your own place. You can always rent it out for 6 months at a time whilst you try living with him. It doesn't have to be either or.

That being said, I don't much like the sound of him. Does everything generally have to be his way or he throws a strop? Do you really think he would cope with having kids? I suspect he would use his 'anciety' to have you do all the work.

You really have nothing to prove to this guy. Why cant you buy a place and then he can sell up and move in with you? Why do you have to move somewhere you dont want to be for him? You need to see that he can make compromises for you.

Buy the house alone

You could even rent it out and still live with your boyfriend. That way you have the beat of both worlds - your own property that is YOURS and will increase your financial prospects and value and also something to leave for the future children you are proposing to have; and you can live with your boyfriend and still work towards having that future together.

I’m not really sure why your in doubt. Seems like the most sensible soloution really.

I would really like to see where things go but due to past experience I am wary about throwing myself in without a safety net. A trial could also be an option to see how things go, though again I feel like it is me taking all the risk and if it doesnt work out then he's sitting happy in his house and I have to go through the process of moving out, moving back home and doing all this again. If I am being honest, living at home at 34 hasnt been an easy time for me. My parents are fine, we dont have a super close relationship but we get on ok, though my self worth and confidence has gone down the toilet sitting in my childhood bedroom for the past year. It is no way ideal and I want to avoid having to be in this situation again. Lockdown obviously hasnt helped either as they are elderly and being extremely strict on the rules (and rightly so) but I've felt very isolated and anxious being here and I suppose part of this for me is to make sure I dont have to be in this situation again x

He should understand all this. You’re not dumping him, just sensibly aiming to secure your own future. Which is an asset in a future partner, tbh!

You’ve had a time of being in his hands, which ended badly, and now you’re in your parents’ hands, which has proved hard. OF COURSE you’re going to want to gain your own independence now. It’s 100% understandable.

Well there you go then, you should want to look after you. And he should want you to do whatever it takes to lift yourself up and feel happy and secure again.

He walked away from you. He doesn't get to just mosey back in and dictate how you move forwards.

That being said, at least if you have money to buy a place you could get out quickly (even rent for 6 months then buy) if need be. But if you buy a place and then rent it out...what if it's still being rented and you need to leave fast?

Perhaps he could sell up and you could both rent a place together for 6 months just to see how it goes first? Or could you move into his place as an official tenant so that you have some rights?

Also the way he sees it is that IF I live at his I will be paying minimal contributions towards the bills and if the worst case scenario did happen, I would have been able to take advantage of being able to save even more money towards a deposit while at his.

It's a theory, but in practice, I'm not sure it would work out that way. It generally doesn't. You end up spending more and "helping out" more financially because you feel beholden.

I think from what you say about your battered self esteem, actually it would be really good for you to buy your own place and live independently for a while, not just go straight into his place where nothing is yours and you've no claims.

Buy, live there for a year, build yourself up emotionally as well as securing your chance - and then join forces as equals, sell up and buy somewhere together or marry or whatever.

He has already told me there is no way he can sell his place as out of curiosity I asked if he would sell up and buy with me. He's only bought it a year ago and has made signifcant improvements (extension, big open plan kitchen, garden refurb) which if he sold up now he would not gain back financially on what he spent on these, plus he loves his house and wants to stay there for the forseeable and is talking about extending into the loft next too.
It is a worry as well if i rented out my place i wouldnt be able to just chuck the tenant out because i needed to move back in, so there is that too! Argh

Buy your own place. It's important for you and your self worth. If your boyfriend doesn't support that then he's not on your side.

How do you feel about him op? Do you see a future with him? And if so, what kind? Do you want what he wants? With him?

I don't think the trust would be there for me.
I think I would buy my own place and maybe continue to date him for a year. Then see how we both felt. Hopefully that time would let you see if he remains consistent. And how he takes not having things exactly how he wants them.

It would be worth considering him selling up and you both buying a place together - then he won't have the 'power' if things don't work out.

I would buy your own place and live on your own. Love your own self for a change.

So it's very much his way or the highway.

I don't think he'll be good for you long term.