Affair recovery - what are your views?

[bella2345]

Hi all, I have been with my partner for 18 years. We have 2 children under 4. In our mid 30's.
9 months ago, I discovered my partner was having an affair. It went on for 9 months. As soon as I discovered the affair, it ended. My partner was beside himself after the discovery and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. After 6 weeks apart, I decided that I wanted to give him a chance and we embarked on our recovery together. After the initial discovery, I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It came as a massive massive shock. Nothing like it had ever happened before and prior to it, we trusted each other 100%. For weeks, I barely ate or slept. I honestly didn't know at the time how I was ever going to get better. I had also lost a parent only a few months before the discovery and I honestly felt broken. The other woman was 10 years younger than my partner; she contacted me after the discovery several times telling me she was going to harm herself and sending lots of texts etc exchanged between her and my partner. It was awful. I basically coached her and tried to help her. Despite my own struggles at the time, I actually felt sorry for her in a really strange way.
Anyway, the point of my post is this...
I am now in a place that I never thought I would be in. And I'm not sure why. But I feel really strong and in a strange way empowered by the whole experience. I am proud of myself for staying strong and overcoming what life has thrown at me over the last year or so. I feel more confident and sexier than I have in a long time. I'm looking after myself and my appearance, doing things for myself and feel like I have a new lease of life. Strangely, despite the ongoing struggle of overcoming an affair together as a couple, and the difficulties that doing this brings at times, I feel that for the first time in a long time, I am getting what I want from the relationship. The communication between us is better than ever; we talk, we laugh. We are affectionate towards one another, our sex life is like it was when we first met all of those years ago. My sex drive is through the roof. We spend quality time together, on our own and I feel that me and the children are his priority. I just feel that he knows he made a huge mistake and that he risked throwing everything away for something that gave him a massive ego boost. It has made my partner reevaluate his whole life; his flaws and how selfishly he has behaved. And we are working on our issues together as a couple. I suppose I am looking for people's views on how I feel? Is this normal? Because I have done lots of research and all I read is how low in confidence I should feel? And how my self esteem should be rock bottom? But it isn't? In a way I pity my partner for doing what he did. Thoughts? Thanks everyone

Do you feel empowered because you feel you won? He picked you,over the ow. It's a bit like a honeymoon period, where he's guilty as hes messed up,and you're trying to prove how "worth it" you are.

I do think its fantastic that you feel so confident now and your self esteem is up.

I dont think theres a right or wrong way to feel. You do what works for you.

From my own point of view I would have become this better version of myself you have described, but left him with my new found confidence. I couldn't have trusted or forgiven him.

OP, you sound amazing. Don't allow anyone to tell you how you should be feeling or how you should react. Whilst I'm sure people who will disagree are well meaning and wouldn't want you to experience such heartache again, only you know yourself, your DH, relationship, family and lives so only you are equipped to make the decision on what is right for you. Again, a lot of people will disagree but I don't believe that people never change - whilst true in some cases, others can hugely regret their actions and feel huge amounts of guilt and use that as motivation to do and be better. It sounds like that is the case for you. Wishing you lots of future happiness.

@Hurryupbaby11

OP, you sound amazing. Don't allow anyone to tell you how you should be feeling or how you should react. Whilst I'm sure people who will disagree are well meaning and wouldn't want you to experience such heartache again, only you know yourself, your DH, relationship, family and lives so only you are equipped to make the decision on what is right for you. Again, a lot of people will disagree but I don't believe that people never change - whilst true in some cases, others can hugely regret their actions and feel huge amounts of guilt and use that as motivation to do and be better. It sounds like that is the case for you. Wishing you lots of future happiness.

Thank you so much for this supportive message. The future can not be predicted and I think my experiences have taught me that the future is not certain. Can I be 100% sure that he will never do this again? No? Can anyone be 100% sure that their partner will not stray? No? But what I am certain of is that I do not need him. I have decided to stay because I want him. And my family. And I feel that there is something worth fighting for. I know what it feels like to reach rock bottom. And I survived. So...I can survive anything. And actually, if he was ever foolish enough to mess this up again, he would be GONE!!! X

I just hope it lasts for you.

It's not uncommon for the sex and connection to seem renewed and exciting again with hysterical bonding, following something like this.

Well done op

You're doing amazing

@category12

I just hope it lasts for you.

It's not uncommon for the sex and connection to seem renewed and exciting again with hysterical bonding, following something like this.

Yes maybe you're right! And maybe it won't last. Who knows. But I know that if it ever got to a stage where I wasn't happy, I would be strong enough to leave the relationship. I no longer find the prospect of our relationship not working daunting. Because I know that I would survive the break up. I just feel at this stage that 2 of the worst things that could have happened in my life happened. And I somehow got through. And feel like a stronger person for it.

@bigchris

Well done op

You're doing amazing

Thank you so so much

Well done I could have wrote this six years ago .
Touch wood so far so good will still sneak a look at his phone though would never have done this before .

I think you've done well to get over it to the extent you have. Sometimes a relationship after an affair (if the cheater is truly remorseful) can feel better.

A few things I would say are:

Is he truly remorseful?
What has he done to show you he is remorseful, and not just upset he was caught?
What led him to have the affair?

If an affair only ends when you find out about it and not before, I would wonder how long it would have gone on.

I've heard on here before that the heightened sex drive after an affair is hysterical bonding

@Audreyhelp

Well done I could have wrote this six years ago . Touch wood so far so good will still sneak a look at his phone though would never have done this before .

This is lovely to hear I completely get what you are saying; I have always always been a very trusting person. Not sure I will ever trust anyone in the same way I may have before. Sad, I know. But a fact! How do you feel in yourself 6 years on...

OP, you have worked on yourself and feel empowered. What effort has your P made to safeguard his fidelity? Has he sought individual counseling to examine his weak boundaries, sense of entitlement, and the external triggers that enabled him to lie and cheat?

@SandyY2K

I think you've done well to get over it to the extent you have. Sometimes a relationship after an affair (if the cheater is truly remorseful) can feel better.

A few things I would say are:

Is he truly remorseful?
What has he done to show you he is remorseful, and not just upset he was caught?
What led him to have the affair?

If an affair only ends when you find out about it and not before, I would wonder how long it would have gone on.

I do believe he is truly remorsful. But i am sure time will tell. In respect of our relationship, there were issues and neither of us were entirely happy. Life can be tough with 2 young children, we stopped communicating and we stopped appreciating one another. Never ever an excuse but maybe triggers for people to become vulnerable. We failed to address the issues in our relationship. But even so, I never would have strayed. It never crossed my mind. He recognises why the affair happened and appears to have good insight in relation to this. He was also going through some of his own issues at the time; because we had grown so distant from one another, I failed to see how significant his issues were and how they were affecting our relationship.

@MsDogLady

OP, you have worked on yourself and feel empowered. What effort has your P made to safeguard his fidelity? Has he sought individual counseling to examine his weak boundaries, sense of entitlement, and the external triggers that enabled him to lie and cheat?

He is receiving counselling and we are considering engaging in couples counselling also

Six years on it’s still pretty good sex wise , we are closer than before .
I feel stronger as know I could manage without him if I had too.
I think I make more of an effort now and so does he.
The trust has gone though to be honest

@Audreyhelp

Six years on it’s still pretty good sex wise , we are closer than before . I feel stronger as know I could manage without him if I had too. I think I make more of an effort now and so does he. The trust has gone though to be honest

How long had you been together when it happened and did you have children? Was your relationship struggling at the time?

Been together 25 years . Had one child still at home . I thought we were happy but looking back we were in a rut and didn’t do much.

@Audreyhelp

Been together 25 years . Had one child still at home . I thought we were happy but looking back we were in a rut and didn’t do much.

We were the same. Do you feel happy in your relationship now OP? Do you ever consider ending the relationship?

Yes happy would never end it unless he cheated again .
Life is quite good and we do far more together than what we used to .
Also I built my own life up a bit and go out with friends ,
Strange I feel more confident now

@Bella2345, I have been married to my DW for 29 years and we've been together for almost 37.
When I met her she was married and living separately in the same house as her then husband, different bedrooms etc. I was 7 and a bit years younger than her and I should have known better but I was drawn to her like a mother to a flame.
We got together and eventually married we added a child to our family and I have 3 sons I'm very proud of. The year after we married she started an affair which lasted over two years. At one point I moved out into a flat only for her to ask me to come back home then one day I came home to find she and the children were gone. She had moved in with the other man. To cut a very long story short after a few days she turned up at the door. She begged me for forgiveness and she wanted to come back home. Turned out Mr Wondeful wasn't great with kids.
I took her back, after all I still loved her.
Our relationships was very damaged and I even sent her to the STD clinic to get tested.
It took months of talking and honesty to get us back in the same bed and for me to start to rebuild trust.
She has been a good and faithful wife to me but when we argue, which is rare thank God, the past still gets brought to the surface.
What I will say is you can forgive but you will never forget. I am happy and I am glad I took her back but if things had been different and she wasn't honest with me then who knows.

If others know, will your children learn of it in time? What then?

@modernfemininity

If others know, will your children learn of it in time? What then?

Hi, is this message for me? Sorry I'm not sure what you mean by what then?

@Audreyhelp

Yes happy would never end it unless he cheated again . Life is quite good and we do far more together than what we used to . Also I built my own life up a bit and go out with friends , Strange I feel more confident now

I am glad to hear that you are now happy! Wish you all the best x

Well how wonderful, you caught your DH out for cheating on you. He had a relationship for over 9mths. You have two DC under 4 and been together 18yrs. Your feeling all empowered because the cheat was caught and is grovelling and doing all the right things, your hysterical bonding so now feel everything is wonderful.

So you took the cheat back, just remind your self he had another relationship for 9mths that only stopped because you caught him.

Lets see how long this lasts until he does it again.

Sorry I am very much zero tolerance for cheats, growing up in a houshold where my dad had many affairs before leaving my mum. I have zero interest in staying with a man who would betray me that way and certainly dont want to be living with anxiety and mistrust with the fear he might do it again.

What I will say is you can forgive but you will never forget

I think this is true, we are seven years down the line. Again I am much more confident because I know I could do it on my own, and I would. But things are pretty good and I have no regrets.