Affair recovery - what are your views?

[bella2345]

Hi all, I have been with my partner for 18 years. We have 2 children under 4. In our mid 30's.
9 months ago, I discovered my partner was having an affair. It went on for 9 months. As soon as I discovered the affair, it ended. My partner was beside himself after the discovery and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. After 6 weeks apart, I decided that I wanted to give him a chance and we embarked on our recovery together. After the initial discovery, I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It came as a massive massive shock. Nothing like it had ever happened before and prior to it, we trusted each other 100%. For weeks, I barely ate or slept. I honestly didn't know at the time how I was ever going to get better. I had also lost a parent only a few months before the discovery and I honestly felt broken. The other woman was 10 years younger than my partner; she contacted me after the discovery several times telling me she was going to harm herself and sending lots of texts etc exchanged between her and my partner. It was awful. I basically coached her and tried to help her. Despite my own struggles at the time, I actually felt sorry for her in a really strange way.
Anyway, the point of my post is this...
I am now in a place that I never thought I would be in. And I'm not sure why. But I feel really strong and in a strange way empowered by the whole experience. I am proud of myself for staying strong and overcoming what life has thrown at me over the last year or so. I feel more confident and sexier than I have in a long time. I'm looking after myself and my appearance, doing things for myself and feel like I have a new lease of life. Strangely, despite the ongoing struggle of overcoming an affair together as a couple, and the difficulties that doing this brings at times, I feel that for the first time in a long time, I am getting what I want from the relationship. The communication between us is better than ever; we talk, we laugh. We are affectionate towards one another, our sex life is like it was when we first met all of those years ago. My sex drive is through the roof. We spend quality time together, on our own and I feel that me and the children are his priority. I just feel that he knows he made a huge mistake and that he risked throwing everything away for something that gave him a massive ego boost. It has made my partner reevaluate his whole life; his flaws and how selfishly he has behaved. And we are working on our issues together as a couple. I suppose I am looking for people's views on how I feel? Is this normal? Because I have done lots of research and all I read is how low in confidence I should feel? And how my self esteem should be rock bottom? But it isn't? In a way I pity my partner for doing what he did. Thoughts? Thanks everyone

@Bookrat

Sounds to me, OP, like some PP are projecting. I think you come across as strong and confident and in control, and my advice to you would be for you to do you. You are the injured party and you get to decide how to respond. If you are happy, embrace and enjoy. For what it's worth I admire your choices.

Thank you for your support

@minipie

I honestly don’t think anyone is trying to make you feel shit OP.

I think quite a lot of posters are trying to save you from future hurt by being blunt about your H’s behaviour and I suppose, trying to accelerate feelings they believe you will have in future.

Thanks for this. Just to clarify, please do not think that because I'm in a good place now, I havnt been through hell. Because I can tell you, following the discovery, I went through the worst 6 months of my life and have never felt so broken. I completely appreciate and acknowledge the gravity of his actions. I do not want people to misunderstand what I am saying. I'm not saying 'he had an affair, everything's brilliant, I havnt suffered at all, our relationship hasn't been in jeopardy.' What I am saying is, I have hit rock bottom, and somehow found my way back to what I feel is a 'good' place. I KNOW he has behaved appallingly, he has hurt me deeply, who knows if our relationship will stand the test of time. But at the moment, I feel good about myself and am not suffering from low confidence or low self esteem, which actually I deem to be a positive.

Hi,

Op means opening post or opening poster. You are rhe op, no one else can be, there is only one op. 😊

Your reaction is becoming angry that people are commenting on his cheating and your decision to stay with a man who cheated and lied to you and treated you so terribly for so long.

Which indicates you are focusing solely on the here and now, the winning element, the fact he’s still yours and he’s grateful for it and playing ball. Rather than addressing your anger at how badly he treated you for so long and that you chose to be with a man who’d do that to you.

This seems all manner of dysfunctional to me. I'm glad you're feeling happy and empowered OP but I would keep counselling up for a bit longer...

@Bluntness100

Hi,

Op means opening post or opening poster. You are rhe op, no one else can be, there is only one op. 😊

Your reaction is becoming angry that people are commenting on his cheating and your decision to stay with a man who cheated and lied to you and treated you so terribly for so long.

Which indicates you are focusing solely on the here and now, the winning element, the fact he’s still yours and he’s grateful for it and playing ball. Rather than addressing your anger at how badly he treated you for so long and that you chose to be with a man who’d do that to you.

Like I've said a few times...I can't say it again...I have done all of the anger, the shouting etc and I am done with anger. I am just trying to move forward and yes, focus on the here and now. Is it healthy for me to remain stuck in the past for the rest of my years?? I think not!! And if I was posting on here stating that I felt stuck in the past etc, I'm sure I would be criticised for that too.

@Badwill

This seems all manner of dysfunctional to me. I'm glad you're feeling happy and empowered OP but I would keep counselling up for a bit longer...

Explain??

@category12

I just hope it lasts for you.

It's not uncommon for the sex and connection to seem renewed and exciting again with hysterical bonding, following something like this.

Yep I was gonna say this.

I think a big thing to think about is how you will trust him in future. Things are great now and you feel sexy and confident. But what if you have another child or things are tough with the kids or at work and things aren't as rosey with you as a couple. Will you then feel yiu trust him as much? As he did have a relationship with another woman while you were married with 2 small children. How's that trust going to be in 5, 10 or 20 years time?

I think the reaction of some is because when we are faced with a forgiving act it is hard for us to accept. It transcends the normal emotions. It almost seems rude. It can certainly appear unwise.

Forgiveness is a strange and powerful act. It may be foolish but it remains forever hopeful.

And hope is a beautiful thing. Good luck to you and your family.

I’m not sure this thread is going to help you op.

You asked a question and people will respond. I don’t think the answers are pleasing or helping you. So may be you need to hide it and step away.

You asked if it was normal to feel sexy, confident, empowered. To be so loving, affectionate, rampant even with a man who treated you so badly.

Many people are not going to look at you and think wow that’s great, they are going to think god how can she stand to be with someone who humiliated her so, who was lying and cheating, sleeping with another woman, whispering promises in her ear, whilst bare faced lying to her, having sex with that woman, making love to her, then coming home to you and climbing into bed with you, and you only found out a few months ago.

People are going to focus on what he was doing, what he did to you, and you no longer wish to focus on it, so hide the thread and step away.

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure this thread is going to help you op.

You asked a question and people will respond. I don’t think the answers are pleasing or helping you. So may be you need to hide it and step away.

You asked if it was normal to feel sexy, confident, empowered. To be so loving, affectionate, rampant even with a man who treated you so badly.

Many people are not going to look at you and think wow that’s great, they are going to think god how can she stand to be with someone who humiliated her so, who was lying and cheating, sleeping with another woman, whispering promises in her ear, whilst bare faced lying to her, having sex with that woman, making love to her, then coming home to you and climbing into bed with you, and you only found out a few months ago.

People are going to focus on what he was doing, what he did to you, and you no longer wish to focus on it, so hide the thread and step away.

I think you're right. I am going to withdraw from this thread now. I have found it useful in some ways and it has helped me to reflect but it has also made me feel quite low and I have not had a good day today. Thanks to everyone for your contributions

I'm glad for you OP that you have overcome this terrible time in your life, and that you have managed to forge something good and positive out of the affair. I think the fact that you have children is important, because I do believe that if you can repair the relationship and continue to maintain a happy home with both parents present then that is the ideal. Having said that I completely understand why others would find infidelity an untenable situation to live with - I would myself.

'DH would unknowingly answer, but then pass the phone to me 😂 stopped her contacting him pretty quick.'

'I also received loads of messages on social media, loads of hysterical stories to try split us up (they went on holidays together, day trips etc that I could prove were wrong. E.g. She sent me a DM on Instagram to say they had spent the night together and she was on a date with him...when my husband and I were actually visiting his parents for a couple days). We laughed about it!'

'I was also flattered by how obsessed this OW seemed to be with me 🤣'

Gosh, it's a wonder anything else gets done in your house, with all the laughing you two do over his bunny boiler. You've sure shown her!

There was a thread in which the OP (also the OW) was castigated for wanting to tell her lover's wife about the affair. I'm now wondering whether these women haven't got a point. It must be terrible galling to see the blokes in all these cases, resuming normal service so bloody quickly.

I wish you luck, OP. I really do. The fact that you were able to engage like that with the OW suggests you really are very nice. I'm not. I might have forgiven a fling that was confessed to. There's no way I'd forgive an affair lasting as long as a pregnancy, that came to an end with only when I discovered it.

It all sounds a bit too good to be true, the thing is that you do not know that you would have the same reaction if he cheated again. It could break you the next time and the same strong confident woman might not emerge so quickly.

Your husband must feel like he won the lottery now that things are going so well and sex is back to the honeymoon period. I wonder how he would deal with it if a couple of years down the line you are haunted by memories of his infidelity or something makes you suspicious and you start bringing up the past. It seems that a lot of husbands who have cheated think that all is well once the initial few months have passed and they have drawn a line under it then themselves, they do not want to listen to any further hurt or rage or anything like that and tend to be furious with their wives for bringing it all up again when they thought it was dealt with!!

We laughed about it

I find a man doing this unforgivable. Actually more unforgivable than an affair to be honest, I find it genuinely nauseating. How a man can be intimate with a woman, naked with her, inside her, and then turn round and mock her. Laughing at the distress he’s caused her. The pain he caused her. It’s a personality trait I could never ever accept.

I worked with a man who did this once. Openly he did it in a meeting. Much to everyone’s horror I dived off the deep end, asked him how he could pursue her, sleep with her, then mock her. The manager at the time had to shut it down, I genuinely felt nothing but repulsion for him. Absolute snd utter repulsion. And as a work colleague, past politeness when required, I never even looked at him again.

I could possibly forgive a fling, I’m really not sure, but it’s doubtful.. I really don’t think I could forgive an affair, for my own self respect I’d be out and I’d keep my dignity.

Openly laughing at the distress and pain you caused your affair partner and what that mental anguish caused her to do, would never ever be forgivable for me.

I decided to forgive and forget sexual text messages sent to another woman behind my back, and this was extremely difficult for both of us because of how up and down the emotions are. Some days our relationship has felt genuinely stronger than ever and he has made loads of effort, some days I have convinced myself that he can't possibly love me if he could cheat. My self esteem hasn't wavered at all though. I don't feel worse about myself and I don't necessarily think it always effects self esteem. It just changes the way you look at your relationship and makes you doubt how strong you are as a couple.

I know for a fact that I couldn't have tried if he ever slept with her. I just wouldn't have been able to cope with that. But I can relate to the way you're feeling OP. It's your relationship and your life and it is empowering to make the choice to be with someone and not care what anyone else thinks. Hope it works out for you x

Openly laughing at the distress and pain you caused your affair partner and what that mental anguish caused her to do, would never ever be forgivable for me

So much this. There’s something so awful and tragic about a woman getting her esteem boosted by a man ridiculing a woman that trusted him in such intimate fashion.

There’s something so awful and tragic about a woman getting her esteem boosted by a man ridiculing a woman that trusted him in such intimate fashion

Yes, it is saddening, to glorify and enjoy his mocking of her. And it’s highly distasteful for him to do so, I simply couldn’t stomach that. But some women need it, they need to feel they won. And want to see the other woman belittled by him.

Which makes me think this is hysterical bonding for the op. She’s basking in the winning and relief, she sees him as desirable now, because someone else wanted him, and when the adrenaline has gone, when the mundane has arrived back she’s going to look at him and see not just a lying cheat, but the kind of pure scum who would cause a woman such distress then mock her for it.

The op will also know she has no room to assume anything but he was doing the same about her when he was alone with this other woman.

The things he would have told her. No woman sleeps with a man who says I love and fancy my wife and I’m never leaving her. They sleep with him because they believe the bullshit he’s been spouting, about how it’s over, that he’s just there for the kids, how she makes his life hell, she’s let herself go, , how unhappy he is. All the things he needs to say to get her naked. And keep getting her naked.

And then when she’s devastated about his lies, and she reacts terribly to her treatment, tries to seek vengeance, he mocks her openly. Laughs at her. Whilst his wife laughs along and believes what he says.

It’s as low as it gets, I certainly would not ever be with such a man. As said, for me this behaviour is worse than the actual cheating. Because if you’re going over the side the least you can do is be a man about it. Own it and have some fucking respect.

I think it’s very confusing when it happens to you . I also think in my case it was a bit of a wake up call to work at my marriage as the op said no one can be 100 per cent about their partner.
I think op should take it each day as it comes . It may come crashing down it may not who knows ? Who knows in any relationship.

@PegasusReturns

Openly laughing at the distress and pain you caused your affair partner and what that mental anguish caused her to do, would never ever be forgivable for me

So much this. There’s something so awful and tragic about a woman getting her esteem boosted by a man ridiculing a woman that trusted him in such intimate fashion.

Absolutely this. The PP who said this stuff (not OP) is coming across as very much over compensating for the damage caused to her.

Her husband is the worst kind of partner - he will have laughed with OW about shagging her and getting away with it while it was going on, told her she was special and fun and understood him etc while his wife was none the wiser.

Then when his wife found out, he switched to laughing about the OW with her, telling her she's better and OW is pathetic etc.

Men like that don't like women very much at all do they? I would be almost as disgusted with him laughing at her (and therefore the situation which involved him shagging her behind his wife's back) as anything else.

It screams of trying to convince herself everything is ok when PP writes about it and it makes me really sad because those laughs aren't real ones. They're real on her husbands part but hollow on hers.

Men like that don't like women very much at all do they?

Men like that "love" women like they love a hamburger. Love tasty hamburger, pursue hamburger, acquire hamburger, consume hamburger, dispose when done with hamburger, hamburger no longer exists.

They just spend longer on some hamburgers than others. Some leftovers are good enough to go in the fridge to be revisited later at his leisure when he has a new one on the go, however some will simply remain on that shelf waiting to be revisited whilst tastier, newer hamburgers are repeatedly sampled and disposed. He might occasionally pop into the fridge for a bit of leftover at 2am, but the next day he'll be off to BK for a new one. Disposable, replaceable, interchangeable.

Hamburger is not people. Woman is also not people.

I hope it works out for you @bella2345,I really do.

Will you divorce him if (when) he cheats again?

@PicsInRed

Men like that don't like women very much at all do they?

Men like that "love" women like they love a hamburger. Love tasty hamburger, pursue hamburger, acquire hamburger, consume hamburger, dispose when done with hamburger, hamburger no longer exists.

They just spend longer on some hamburgers than others. Some leftovers are good enough to go in the fridge to be revisited later at his leisure when he has a new one on the go, however some will simply remain on that shelf waiting to be revisited whilst tastier, newer hamburgers are repeatedly sampled and disposed. He might occasionally pop into the fridge for a bit of leftover at 2am, but the next day he'll be off to BK for a new one. Disposable, replaceable, interchangeable.

Hamburger is not people. Woman is also not people.

So, so true!

9 months is a long time to deceive. And you found out, he didn't come clean. If you hadn't found out, I guess it would still be happening.

Your response sounds like hysterical bonding. Good luck, he may be too frightened to do it again, he may not.

Hard to believe real remorse from someone who didn't confess, though.

If your perspective changes, remember you have the right at any time to just turn to him and say - I've changed my mind.

However you feel is your mind and body's way of coping with traumatic events, and that's ok.

The only thing I would be worried about is sometimes people can be in a trance-like state to deal with things they've experienced, or even hypomania/mania in response to stress (I'm not saying you're in hypomania as such but the feeling more sexy is maybe that you're on a bit of a high in response to stress.)

All I would be concerned about is that you might then be looking at things with something even more than a rose-tinted view.

Keep an eye on your partner's behaviour.

But I'm glad you're feeling so well- it'll mean you have more power in the relationship as you might be less likely to put up with any bollox; you don't need him in your life to survive; if he acts badly you can bin him. xx

If your perspective changes, remember you have the right at any time to just turn to him and say - I've changed my mind.

This is a good point from @YoniAndGuy - often we see on these boards women who'd taken back a bloke who'd cheated or been abusive, only to later find they (understandably) can't really permanently get past what the bloke has done.