Affair recovery - what are your views?

[bella2345]

Hi all, I have been with my partner for 18 years. We have 2 children under 4. In our mid 30's.
9 months ago, I discovered my partner was having an affair. It went on for 9 months. As soon as I discovered the affair, it ended. My partner was beside himself after the discovery and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. After 6 weeks apart, I decided that I wanted to give him a chance and we embarked on our recovery together. After the initial discovery, I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It came as a massive massive shock. Nothing like it had ever happened before and prior to it, we trusted each other 100%. For weeks, I barely ate or slept. I honestly didn't know at the time how I was ever going to get better. I had also lost a parent only a few months before the discovery and I honestly felt broken. The other woman was 10 years younger than my partner; she contacted me after the discovery several times telling me she was going to harm herself and sending lots of texts etc exchanged between her and my partner. It was awful. I basically coached her and tried to help her. Despite my own struggles at the time, I actually felt sorry for her in a really strange way.
Anyway, the point of my post is this...
I am now in a place that I never thought I would be in. And I'm not sure why. But I feel really strong and in a strange way empowered by the whole experience. I am proud of myself for staying strong and overcoming what life has thrown at me over the last year or so. I feel more confident and sexier than I have in a long time. I'm looking after myself and my appearance, doing things for myself and feel like I have a new lease of life. Strangely, despite the ongoing struggle of overcoming an affair together as a couple, and the difficulties that doing this brings at times, I feel that for the first time in a long time, I am getting what I want from the relationship. The communication between us is better than ever; we talk, we laugh. We are affectionate towards one another, our sex life is like it was when we first met all of those years ago. My sex drive is through the roof. We spend quality time together, on our own and I feel that me and the children are his priority. I just feel that he knows he made a huge mistake and that he risked throwing everything away for something that gave him a massive ego boost. It has made my partner reevaluate his whole life; his flaws and how selfishly he has behaved. And we are working on our issues together as a couple. I suppose I am looking for people's views on how I feel? Is this normal? Because I have done lots of research and all I read is how low in confidence I should feel? And how my self esteem should be rock bottom? But it isn't? In a way I pity my partner for doing what he did. Thoughts? Thanks everyone

Your answers are conflicting. You talk in your op about how great your time together is, how fabulous you feel, how your sex drive is through the roof, how you now feel you and the kids are his priority, that now you feel like you’re getting what you want from the relationship.

Then later you disparage him for what he did. But put it down to a mistake, a mistake is a drunken one night stand. A mistake is not nine months of another relationship and what that entails. That’s a proactive choice.

It reads like you’ve got an ego boost, the woman he chose to have a relationship with was damaged by it, but you feel it shows you in a good light, how much better you are than her, and basically how he must feel lucky to have you v her.

Fundamentally I think you think you “won” and came out of it with a real prize, him preferring you and now doing exactly what you want in the relationship, so you feel great. You’re suddenly his priority again. And you’re determined to continue to show him just how great you are.

It’s a variation on the pick me dance. A sort of gloat that you kept him and now he’s prioritising you. Like it’s a real result.

But to be frank you’re the one living with the lying cheat. Not her. I would be concerned when your euphoria wears off, when real life kicks in. When the honey moon period ends, you will come to realise that. I hope not, but what you describe seems unstainable.

Hysterical bonding, all the sex you're now having.

He showed remorse for, and ended, his nine month affair with someone emotionally unstable only after you caught him out.

May I ask OP, do you feel angry? Because from your posts I read that you were (naturally) broken when you found out, now you are not feeling broken any more and that is great. You pity him in the sense of being embarrassed for him, I get that too.

But what about the anger? I don’t hear any anger, and I just wonder if it’s going to come later? I would be furious with my DH not just for betraying me, but for giving me only two shitty choices going forward: to carry on and try to make it work with an unfaithful husband, or to split up. For taking away my preferred and promised option, and the option he would still have, which is a faithful trustworthy spouse. He’s taken away that possibility from you. Are you not furious? Perhaps you are just a very calm and sanguine person who doesn’t get rage like I do... I feel angry for you!!

My goodness, you can live up to your name sometimes @Bluntness100! Yet your observations are incredibly astute.

@minipie

May I ask OP, do you feel angry? Because from your posts I read that you were (naturally) broken when you found out, now you are not feeling broken any more and that is great. You pity him in the sense of being embarrassed for him, I get that too.

But what about the anger? I don’t hear any anger, and I just wonder if it’s going to come later? I would be furious with my DH not just for betraying me, but for giving me only two shitty choices going forward: to carry on and try to make it work with an unfaithful husband, or to split up. For taking away my preferred and promised option, and the option he would still have, which is a faithful trustworthy spouse. He’s taken away that possibility from you. Are you not furious? Perhaps you are just a very calm and sanguine person who doesn’t get rage like I do... I feel angry for you!!

Believe me, I've done all of the anger. I'm not an overly angry person but yes of course, in the initial period following the discovery, I was hurt, broken, furious, resentful, lost and everything in between. I feel in a calmer place now. And the anger has lifted. This is only after months and months of communication and getting to the root cause of the affair and addressing some of our and his issues. Are there times when I still feel angry, yes absolutely. But that is no longer my overriding feeling

Hysterical bonding and winning the pick-me dance make you feel incredibly strong and happy for a while. Later it's common to come back to earth and realise you've won a booby prize.

@Bluntness100

Your answers are conflicting. You talk in your op about how great your time together is, how fabulous you feel, how your sex drive is through the roof, how you now feel you and the kids are his priority, that now you feel like you’re getting what you want from the relationship.

Then later you disparage him for what he did. But put it down to a mistake, a mistake is a drunken one night stand. A mistake is not nine months of another relationship and what that entails. That’s a proactive choice.

It reads like you’ve got an ego boost, the woman he chose to have a relationship with was damaged by it, but you feel it shows you in a good light, how much better you are than her, and basically how he must feel lucky to have you v her.

Fundamentally I think you think you “won” and came out of it with a real prize, him preferring you and now doing exactly what you want in the relationship, so you feel great. You’re suddenly his priority again. And you’re determined to continue to show him just how great you are.

It’s a variation on the pick me dance. A sort of gloat that you kept him and now he’s prioritising you. Like it’s a real result.

But to be frank you’re the one living with the lying cheat. Not her. I would be concerned when your euphoria wears off, when real life kicks in. When the honey moon period ends, you will come to realise that. I hope not, but what you describe seems unstainable.

Actually no, I would say some of the things that you have said are not entirely accurate. I don't see him as the prize. I actually see myself as the prize. Because I chose to give him another chance? a chance that he never thought he would get. And I do believe that he is grateful for the opportunity to try to prove himself.

@HollowTalk

Hysterical bonding and winning the pick-me dance make you feel incredibly strong and happy for a while. Later it's common to come back to earth and realise you've won a booby prize.

I didn't have to do a 'pick me dance' and certainly did not feel that I had anything to prove to him.

OP if she was unstable etc then don't you think your husband was predatory for shagging someone who was struggling so much? Or she wasn't unstable etc and he's just said that to try and paint himself as somehow less culpable?

I'm struggling to understand I guess because I couldn't forgive someone doing this, but I acknowledge everyone is different.

It does sound very much like hysterical bonding so I would just be conscious of that as it's more likely than not to stop once life settles down a bit more or your trust is tested by things like new jobs / work trips / new friends / hobbies etc.

You feel like you do because you think of yourself as the victor: you won, your husband chose you.

That euphoria will wear off and you’ll be left with the constant reminder that for 9mths your H chose someone else.

Get therapy - it will really help.

@PegasusReturns

You feel like you do because you think of yourself as the victor: you won, your husband chose you.

That euphoria will wear off and you’ll be left with the constant reminder that for 9mths your H chose someone else.

Get therapy - it will really help.

Thanks for this. I have to say, I have found some of your comments, critical or otherwise, extremely helpful. And some of you have given me some real perspective. But others, I feel, have been really negative and this thread has made me feel quite low and has made me doubt myself and the decisions that I have made. Life is not black and white and the people that have made comments like 'once a cheater always a cheater' I have not found helpful. I think there are some people on here who are quite brutal and lack compassion and understanding for other human beings. Life is complex and so are human beings. People use this forum as a place to get some constructive help and support. I'm not sure this is my experience of this forum unfortunately. I appreciate that 'cheating' is a controversial subject area. And lots of people have been extremely hurt by cheating. But I am the victim of infidelity, and have been through an awful lot of the past year. And quite frankly some of you have made me feel like shit.

I feel sorry that you went through this op. But I don't think the amazing sex, relationship etc will last. You feel great because he's now on his best behaviour, making you feel good, he picked you instead of her bla bla bla. But I personally can't imagine myself wanting to have loads of sex with someone who's been shagging someone else for nearly a whole year whist I was dealing with the kids. That's just disgusting, and not a mistake, it's a complete double life. How can you look at him and feel love and trust and security? I think you're kidding yourself,but whatever suits you.

And quite frankly some of you have made me feel like shit

How come? You seem to be full of confidence about your choice to stay in this relationship?

I honestly don’t think anyone is trying to make you feel shit OP.

I think quite a lot of posters are trying to save you from future hurt by being blunt about your H’s behaviour and I suppose, trying to accelerate feelings they believe you will have in future.

Sounds to me, OP, like some PP are projecting. I think you come across as strong and confident and in control, and my advice to you would be for you to do you. You are the injured party and you get to decide how to respond. If you are happy, embrace and enjoy. For what it's worth I admire your choices.

Also op, you did come on here and asked for people's opinions. I haven't seen anyone be nasty on here, people are just being honest. Which is what you asked for

I wonder if you feel superior to your husband now ( I think you have every right!) and that is helping you to feel empowered? There is an element of power play here, it has shifted in your direction and you are feeling it and embracing it. It is not that you have won but that you are the better person, and now you both know it.

I think these feelings are understandable. You are the better person.

@Emeeno1

I wonder if you feel superior to your husband now ( I think you have every right!) and that is helping you to feel empowered? There is an element of power play here, it has shifted in your direction and you are feeling it and embracing it. It is not that you have won but that you are the better person, and now you both know it.

I think these feelings are understandable. You are the better person.

I think you may be spot on!! In fact, the more I reflect on what you have said, the more and more accurate it sounds!!

My only comment is once things calm down and your husband is no longer on his best behaviour, with people - understandably as that is human nature - takings things for granted just a little, be alert to your feelings when you find him being less attentive. Do you still feel empowered and ready to eject him or suddenly anxious and needy. That will tell you all you need to know about the value and longevity of your marriage.

I don't see him as the prize. I actually see myself as the prize. Because I chose to give him another chance? a chance that he never thought he would get

I can see that yes, it’s given you an ego boost, you went from thinking it was over, to realising you were better than her and could still have him. And he knows you’re better than her, and he’s playing ball in the relationship now. He’s being attentive and prioritising you and you feel good about yourself because of it.

You’ve went from focusing on the fact he was over the side and what you stood to loose.,to focusing on not only did you not loose everything, you’ve come out on top in your mind, the ego boost and relief are huge.

Because the reality is if you genuinely say yourself as a prize, you’d not be with a man who lied to you and cheated on you extensively. If you viewed yourself as a prize, you’d be out of there.

@Bluntness100

I don't see him as the prize. I actually see myself as the prize. Because I chose to give him another chance? a chance that he never thought he would get

I can see that yes, it’s given you an ego boost, you went from thinking it was over, to realising you were better than her and could still have him. And he knows you’re better than her, and he’s playing ball in the relationship now. He’s being attentive and prioritising you and you feel good about yourself because of it.

You’ve went from focusing on the fact he was over the side and what you stood to loose.,to focusing on not only did you not loose everything, you’ve come out on top in your mind, the ego boost and relief are huge.

Because the reality is if you genuinely say yourself as a prize, you’d not be with a man who lied to you and cheated on you extensively. If you viewed yourself as a prize, you’d be out of there.

This is interesting. Thank you

@ModelCitizen

My only comment is once things calm down and your husband is no longer on his best behaviour, with people - understandably as that is human nature - takings things for granted just a little, be alert to your feelings when you find him being less attentive. Do you still feel empowered and ready to eject him or suddenly anxious and needy. That will tell you all you need to know about the value and longevity of your marriage.

Totally agree with this.

I think it can be a sign of strength to try and forgive. I hope things work for you. I’ve read it can take two years for a relationship to recover from an affair. In my case my husband left and I was not given the choice so I have to recover on my own.

I do think it’s worth considering how you’d feel now if he’d not returned - you may feel just as good and just as empowered coping on your own. Continue to work on yourself so that if things do go wrong you’ll be ready and able to cope.

@Kittykat93

Also op, you did come on here and asked for people's opinions. I haven't seen anyone be nasty on here, people are just being honest. Which is what you asked for

Hi OP, I did not ask for opinions on my decision to give things another go. I asked for opinions on how I feel now that I have chosen to stay in the relationship and work on things. I feel that there are a lot of negative comments regarding my decision to stay in the relationship. The 'I would never take a cheater back' and 'once a cheater always a cheater.' Whilst these are people's views on cheating, which they are absolutely entitled to, I did not ask for opinions on my decision. I have chosen to remain in the relationship and I stand by my decision. For now. I do not need people telling me how weak etc I am for taking somebody back who cheated.

@CluelessnotShoeless

I think it can be a sign of strength to try and forgive. I hope things work for you. I’ve read it can take two years for a relationship to recover from an affair. In my case my husband left and I was not given the choice so I have to recover on my own.

I do think it’s worth considering how you’d feel now if he’d not returned - you may feel just as good and just as empowered coping on your own. Continue to work on yourself so that if things do go wrong you’ll be ready and able to cope.

Totally agree with this OP