Affair recovery - what are your views?

[bella2345]

Hi all, I have been with my partner for 18 years. We have 2 children under 4. In our mid 30's.
9 months ago, I discovered my partner was having an affair. It went on for 9 months. As soon as I discovered the affair, it ended. My partner was beside himself after the discovery and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. After 6 weeks apart, I decided that I wanted to give him a chance and we embarked on our recovery together. After the initial discovery, I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It came as a massive massive shock. Nothing like it had ever happened before and prior to it, we trusted each other 100%. For weeks, I barely ate or slept. I honestly didn't know at the time how I was ever going to get better. I had also lost a parent only a few months before the discovery and I honestly felt broken. The other woman was 10 years younger than my partner; she contacted me after the discovery several times telling me she was going to harm herself and sending lots of texts etc exchanged between her and my partner. It was awful. I basically coached her and tried to help her. Despite my own struggles at the time, I actually felt sorry for her in a really strange way.
Anyway, the point of my post is this...
I am now in a place that I never thought I would be in. And I'm not sure why. But I feel really strong and in a strange way empowered by the whole experience. I am proud of myself for staying strong and overcoming what life has thrown at me over the last year or so. I feel more confident and sexier than I have in a long time. I'm looking after myself and my appearance, doing things for myself and feel like I have a new lease of life. Strangely, despite the ongoing struggle of overcoming an affair together as a couple, and the difficulties that doing this brings at times, I feel that for the first time in a long time, I am getting what I want from the relationship. The communication between us is better than ever; we talk, we laugh. We are affectionate towards one another, our sex life is like it was when we first met all of those years ago. My sex drive is through the roof. We spend quality time together, on our own and I feel that me and the children are his priority. I just feel that he knows he made a huge mistake and that he risked throwing everything away for something that gave him a massive ego boost. It has made my partner reevaluate his whole life; his flaws and how selfishly he has behaved. And we are working on our issues together as a couple. I suppose I am looking for people's views on how I feel? Is this normal? Because I have done lots of research and all I read is how low in confidence I should feel? And how my self esteem should be rock bottom? But it isn't? In a way I pity my partner for doing what he did. Thoughts? Thanks everyone

Wanted to PM you but it says you can't receive them. PM me if you want?

She is clearly unstable (you'd have to be to enter into an affair with somebody who you know is in a long term relationship with young children) and was threatening to harm herself

Is your DH unstable too? He was also in a long term relationship with young DC and had an affair. I think he has done you up like a kipper being honest. He has pulled off the oldest trick in the book, making the affair partner your common enemy. Do you not think less of him for not only the affair, but an affair with a person you describe as unstable? Does that not seem predatory to you, a vulnerable ten years younger woman is his affair partner of choice.

All I know for certain OP is that nine months after D-day is nothing, in my case I had not really begun to understand the level of betrayal that my ex cheating had caused. You are in for a wild ride.

Good post from dontbeme. I think a lot of women allocate more negative feelings towards the ow than their partners, because if they allocated it to their partners, then they would be unable to stay. Which is the critical part for them.

So logic of she’s unstable or whatever, does not apply to well so is he. It’s really about putting her down so as to feel better about yourself.

Because the acceptance that for months and months he’d prefer to lie to you so as to be with her, is too much to bear. Much easier to think he made a mistake, look at the state of her, what was he thinking, he’s got it so good with me and he knows it now.

Thinking well he knew it before, but he still preferred her, is less east to stomach.