Affair recovery - what are your views?

[bella2345]

Hi all, I have been with my partner for 18 years. We have 2 children under 4. In our mid 30's.
9 months ago, I discovered my partner was having an affair. It went on for 9 months. As soon as I discovered the affair, it ended. My partner was beside himself after the discovery and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness. After 6 weeks apart, I decided that I wanted to give him a chance and we embarked on our recovery together. After the initial discovery, I was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It came as a massive massive shock. Nothing like it had ever happened before and prior to it, we trusted each other 100%. For weeks, I barely ate or slept. I honestly didn't know at the time how I was ever going to get better. I had also lost a parent only a few months before the discovery and I honestly felt broken. The other woman was 10 years younger than my partner; she contacted me after the discovery several times telling me she was going to harm herself and sending lots of texts etc exchanged between her and my partner. It was awful. I basically coached her and tried to help her. Despite my own struggles at the time, I actually felt sorry for her in a really strange way.
Anyway, the point of my post is this...
I am now in a place that I never thought I would be in. And I'm not sure why. But I feel really strong and in a strange way empowered by the whole experience. I am proud of myself for staying strong and overcoming what life has thrown at me over the last year or so. I feel more confident and sexier than I have in a long time. I'm looking after myself and my appearance, doing things for myself and feel like I have a new lease of life. Strangely, despite the ongoing struggle of overcoming an affair together as a couple, and the difficulties that doing this brings at times, I feel that for the first time in a long time, I am getting what I want from the relationship. The communication between us is better than ever; we talk, we laugh. We are affectionate towards one another, our sex life is like it was when we first met all of those years ago. My sex drive is through the roof. We spend quality time together, on our own and I feel that me and the children are his priority. I just feel that he knows he made a huge mistake and that he risked throwing everything away for something that gave him a massive ego boost. It has made my partner reevaluate his whole life; his flaws and how selfishly he has behaved. And we are working on our issues together as a couple. I suppose I am looking for people's views on how I feel? Is this normal? Because I have done lots of research and all I read is how low in confidence I should feel? And how my self esteem should be rock bottom? But it isn't? In a way I pity my partner for doing what he did. Thoughts? Thanks everyone

I had similar euphoria post affair discovery with a now ex. I can actually still remember vividly a conversation with him a few months after in the car where he just announced to me in, in seeming awe, how strong i was. And i felt it. I loved that he saw it. Being strong and getting through it felt like a badge of honour!

Many years on (we broke up after he cheated again) i look back and i feel sorry for that "strong" woman. I was actually completely broken but didn't think enough of myself to to focus on me and what i was feeling and what i wanted. The recovery became my project. It was a distraction from having to actually think oh shit i need to do something about this. Actually the part where you coached the ow is not too dissimilar to something i did too, and God that felt good. Look at this weirdo falling apart and now here i am super woman, helping HER.

I'd not recommend this to anyone. I do think everyone is different and more power to you, you're not the first and won't be the last to forgive infidelity, but looking back to that period in my own life sends shivers down my spine.

Yes, it's enough of a thing that "we're stronger than ever" is a bit of a cliché.

I'd have said it myself at one stage. But like you, janeandmichaelstamp, my ex cheated again.

@Wester

Hi OP,

Very similar situation here, OW threatening suicide etc if husband stayed with me. We made a deal that he would tell me everything she tried to contact him and we oddly really bonded over it. She changed her phone number, DH would unknowingly answer, but then pass the phone to me 😂 stopped her contacting him pretty quick.

I also received loads of messages on social media, loads of hysterical stories to try split us up (they went on holidays together, day trips etc that I could prove were wrong. E.g. She sent me a DM on Instagram to say they had spent the night together and she was on a date with him...when my husband and I were actually visiting his parents for a couple days). We laughed about it!

Did spend a couple of weeks apart and I realised I could leave him if I wanted to and I would do great, I can support myself, I have my own life/hobbies/friends. I think that's where the confidence comes from, I know I can be happy without him or I can be happy with him. I also know if it ever happens again I can LTB.

I was also flattered by how obsessed this OW seemed to be with me 🤣

Definitely a huge confidence boost, like you I feel so much sexier and in control.

Well done OP!

This is shocking on so many levels that I simply don’t have time to unpack it.

I’m also curious, do you feel you won? That you’re some how better than her and you feel pleased because he still wanted you and you kept him? That she wasn’t all that? Is there an element of peacocking going on?

I think it’s great you can move on so very quickly and accept a lengthy affair, ans that you feel your relationship is stronger now, but it’s a fast time frame to get over a terrible betrayal and this reaction seems almost gloating to be honest, which makes me think about the winning element.

@category12

I just hope it lasts for you.

It's not uncommon for the sex and connection to seem renewed and exciting again with hysterical bonding, following something like this.

This was my thought also.

OP, ensure you are in a position to walk away with zero financial and social pain if he does it again or even goes to the same OW. Have a good job, good credit, savings in your sole name. Check what level of mortgage you can access. Keep your own (rather than joint) friends. Ensure you have friends who have loyalty only to you, preferably who don't even know him - ones who won't give you the old "we're going to stay neutral" speech. That one is so, so common.

Don't leave yourself vulnerable thereby precariously balancing all your recovery on him having picked you over her.

This is shocking on so many levels that I simply don’t have time to unpack it

My exact thoughts Iheart.

@JaneAndMichaelStamp

I had similar euphoria post affair discovery with a now ex. I can actually still remember vividly a conversation with him a few months after in the car where he just announced to me in, in seeming awe, how strong i was. And i felt it. I loved that he saw it. Being strong and getting through it felt like a badge of honour!

Many years on (we broke up after he cheated again) i look back and i feel sorry for that "strong" woman. I was actually completely broken but didn't think enough of myself to to focus on me and what i was feeling and what i wanted. The recovery became my project. It was a distraction from having to actually think oh shit i need to do something about this. Actually the part where you coached the ow is not too dissimilar to something i did too, and God that felt good. Look at this weirdo falling apart and now here i am super woman, helping HER.

I'd not recommend this to anyone. I do think everyone is different and more power to you, you're not the first and won't be the last to forgive infidelity, but looking back to that period in my own life sends shivers down my spine.

Just from the comments on this thread alone, this does sadly seem to be a pattern.

I too look back and think wtf.

So OP, again I just want to say, please just be aware of what YOU need right now.

@SandyY2K

Did you have marriage counselling? I must agree with a pp, you shouldn't have engaged with the OW...and should have blocked her.

Some of these OW can become very unstable and dangerous when they get dumped after dday. Especially with you having young kids.

Did she know he was married?

Just to clarify, this only happened during 1 telephone conversation and we did not speak again. I did not set out to try to help her to 'look like the better person.' It was not deliberate. This was just my initial reaction to her because she was in such a mess. I felt that my partner to behaved totally selfishly and essentially used her for his own gain. This is not to say that I disregarded my own feelings; of course, ultimately, I was the one that had been betrayed and if there is such a thing as a 'victim' I suppose, I was it. This is also not to say that I didn't think that she had behaved extremely selfishly also. It takes 2 at the end of the day. She knew he was in a long term relationship with young children yes. And obviously didn't care too much for me or my children.

@Bluntness100

I’m also curious, do you feel you won? That you’re some how better than her and you feel pleased because he still wanted you and you kept him? That she wasn’t all that? Is there an element of peacocking going on?

I think it’s great you can move on so very quickly and accept a lengthy affair, ans that you feel your relationship is stronger now, but it’s a fast time frame to get over a terrible betrayal and this reaction seems almost gloating to be honest, which makes me think about the winning element.

I suppose there is a part of me that pity's him for behaving so selfishly. For making such immature, immoral decisions. Just to make himself feel good. Yes. This is true. And yes if I'm being honest there is a part of me that thinks, there is obviously something about the affair that made him feel good about himself. Feeling so wanted and desired by the other woman. But it wasn't so great when it all came out was it, and everything came crashing down. And you nearly lost everything that you have helped to build over a period of many years. And yes, she clearly wasn't worth it in the end? If this makes any sense at all.

You have a pretty low opinion of him. What do you even want with him?

@category12

You have a pretty low opinion of him. What do you even want with him?

Naturally I have a low opinion of him in relation to his actions, the way that he behaved and the hurt that he caused to many people for his actions. But we have built a life together, I love him. And feel that the relationship is worth fighting for. We have 2 beautiful children together. And human beings do make mistakes. This mistake being absolutely huge and one that I'm not sure I can forgive? But we are both trying and committed to saving the relationship. What more can I say?

there is a part of me that pity's him for behaving so selfishly. For making such immature, immoral decisions. Just to make himself feel good.

I don’t understand why this makes you pity him. Do you pity other people who make selfish, immature, immoral decisions?

If your best friend’s husband had a 9 month affair while she was dealing with a toddler, a baby and a dying parent, would you pity the husband? Or would you think he was a piece of shit?

I don't know, op, I feel like you're heading for a crash emotionally. But with any luck I'm wrong. 🤞

If I were you, I'd leave the thread tbh.

@minipie

there is a part of me that pity's him for behaving so selfishly. For making such immature, immoral decisions. Just to make himself feel good.

I don’t understand why this makes you pity him. Do you pity other people who make selfish, immature, immoral decisions?

If your best friend’s husband had a 9 month affair while she was dealing with a toddler, a baby and a dying parent, would you pity the husband? Or would you think he was a piece of shit?

When I say 'pity' I don't mean this in a compassionate way. I mean it as in, 'how embarrassing' on his behalf. I do think he is a piece of shit for what he has done. I think I've made that clear.

@category12

I don't know, op, I feel like you're heading for a crash emotionally. But with any luck I'm wrong. 🤞

If I were you, I'd leave the thread tbh.

Thanks for your message. Why do you think I should leave the thread?

@isthismylifenow

Hi OP

I have been in a similar situation. Although I didn't go as far as counselling the OW but I did actually pity her. At one point I even felt sorry for her, she was from another country, vulnerable etc etc. I have the same type of nature as you I think.

Then as time went on, we had a similar experience, that the marriage was boosted and things seemed to be how they used to be. I (thought) I was happier, but I now see that I brushed so much under the carpet, and instead of helping myself, I had put the energy into making sure everyone else was ok. It easier to do that.

What I realised it that I too am a 'fixer', of course it was now my job to fix everything that went wrong. And I did. For quite a few years. In my mind he had cheated on me because of what I had or had not done, so I tried to fix myself so that these things were not an issue again. I had to fix him, because after all, that is what I do. If he had a problem, then it would be for me to sort it out, get to the route of the problem etc etc. Yes, this boosted my confidence, as I had sorted everything out, as I thought it should be. I felt good. In fact I felt amazing. My life was back to how it should have been.

Until the next time he cheated. And the next time after that. OP, I just couldn't anymore. I couldn't fix it, I couldn't fix him, I crashed and realised then that really, nothing had changed. I now had to deal with the reality of the situation, which I should have done 6 years before that. I was a doormat, and he had gotten away with it once before, and so he went and did it again when everything wasn't perfect and rosy anymor when I had hit a bump and wasn't making everything perfect for him.

So, what I am saying is that yes, maybe he does have true remorse and you may be able to move on from this, but what you need to do, is look out for you. Just be sure that you have dealt with YOUR issues about this, and are not just using your new found confidence as a cover.

BUT, what I shoved under the carpet is that I just didn't trust him anymore. I pretended it didn't bother me, but now I see that it was a huge problem.

So, just a little advice from someone who has been through similar, what you do going forward is up to you, but just be sure that you are in the right place to make that decision.

All the best to you Bella.

Thanks for this. A really helpful response

This mistake being absolutely huge and one that I'm not sure I can forgive?

If you haven't forgiven, how do you think you are going to be able to continue forward truly happy OP? It is going to eat at you. Do you trust him?

I am not saying that it cannot work going forward, I am just very very concerned that you are not dealing with this as well as you think you are.

I am saying this to you with genuine concern.

@PolkadotGiraffe

She is clearly unstable (you'd have to be to enter into an affair with somebody who you know is in a long term relationship with young children) and was threatening to harm herself. Whilst it definitely was not my duty, I have compassion for other human beings. Maybe I do have a 'rescuer' personality. I am driven to help other people. It's just the way I am. I could have gone absolutely apeshit, behaved like a psychopath etc etc but what would that have achieved?

OP, this is so sad to read. He has got you to a place where you are blaming the other woman's "weakeness" for what he did. HE was the one that batrayed you. HE was the one that lied to you. You deserve better than this, even if you do not realise it now.

It's possible to extract yourself from such situations without going "apeshit" or behaving like a psychopath. But still be free and know you won't be put in this situation again, or worse in way, live in constant fear and anxiety at the possibility.

I hope it works out for you, I really do. But based on what you've said I worry you may well find yourself right back where you started in a few years' time.

I am absolutely not blaming the other woman. Hence why I showed compassion to her. It seems I can not do right from doing wrong. I think I've made it quite clear that I blame my partner. It takes 2 shitty people to have an affair but ultimately, he is the one that betrayed me not her. I am not delusional. Everything I say seems to get taken out of context.

@isthismylifenow

This mistake being absolutely huge and one that I'm not sure I can forgive?

If you haven't forgiven, how do you think you are going to be able to continue forward truly happy OP? It is going to eat at you. Do you trust him?

I am not saying that it cannot work going forward, I am just very very concerned that you are not dealing with this as well as you think you are.

I am saying this to you with genuine concern.

It is going to take a long time for me to truly forgive and I think most would agree that this does not happen overnight. I have not said in my original thread that I whole heartedly forgive and forget. What I said, is that our relationship is in a much better place and I myself am in a much better place than I was for the many weeks that followed the discovery.

Thanks for your message. Why do you think I should leave the thread?

Because I think you're in a bit of a bubble, and I feel like we're the voice of doom. Maybe I should leave the thread instead . Good luck with it all. I hope it works out for you.

@Ophelia2020

I wonder if this post is a bit fake it till you make it. Not that it's a bad thing if that's the case.

It typically takes around 3 to 5 years to recover from infidelity. I think I would be a little bit worried if you were my friend, being supportive to the ow is really dysfunctional.

I am a human being and my initial reaction to another human being who was clearly in a very bad place and was threatening to harm herself, was to show compassion towards her. This is just my nature. This is not to say that I am completely delusional; I recognise that she behaved totally selfishly, as did my husband. And recognise the hurt that they BOTH caused to many people. Can I just again clarify, that this only happened during one telephone conversation. My reaction was not premeditated. I did not do it to gain 'brownie points'

@category12

Thanks for your message. Why do you think I should leave the thread?

Because I think you're in a bit of a bubble, and I feel like we're the voice of doom. Maybe I should leave the thread instead . Good luck with it all. I hope it works out for you.

That isn't the case at all. I came on here looking for constructive views on how I feel. I was prepared for people to tell me that this will or may not last etc. But I do feel that a lot of what I have said has been taken out of context and misconstrued. And whatever I say is 'wrong' or 'concerning'

OP, I'm glad you are feeling better.

Just be alert to the fact that this may change sometime down the line. That's what people mean by an emotional crash. I think it's related to how we process shock. In the aftermath of a trauma the mind will latch on to the immediate resolution. If this appears to be favourable, the mind will use this as a form of acute healing. Everything may feel fine - euphoric, even. However, this sense can diminish and then there is the underlying chronic condition which needs to be processed. This can manifest in subtle and intrusive ways. One minute you might feel fine. The next, you might catch those intrusive thoughts such as how could he have done this to me?.
Because you are in the acute healing stage, I think this might also be why you interpret replies on here as having taken your comments out of context. I would echo the advice to leave the thread, at least for a while.

I believe there was a study done on people's levels of self esteem and their own resilience to affairs. Discussed the idea that those people who had higher self esteem and resilience were more able to get over an affair, they had access to friends/family support, knew their own worth and didn't keep focusing on the unfaithful partner as being solely to blame. People do handle situations differently and even though the majority of people who experience an affair can't get over it, doesn't mean you will also fail OP.

Would you say you have high self esteem? How have you coped previously when life has got stressful?

It may be you are better equipped to deal with stress and traumatic situations?

@Wester

I believe there was a study done on people's levels of self esteem and their own resilience to affairs. Discussed the idea that those people who had higher self esteem and resilience were more able to get over an affair, they had access to friends/family support, knew their own worth and didn't keep focusing on the unfaithful partner as being solely to blame. People do handle situations differently and even though the majority of people who experience an affair can't get over it, doesn't mean you will also fail OP.

Would you say you have high self esteem? How have you coped previously when life has got stressful?

It may be you are better equipped to deal with stress and traumatic situations?

I would say I'm quite a resilient person. And also tend to be able to manage stress quite well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not superhuman and I do have my bad days, but don't we all