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Original poster

Marry me?

130 replies

Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 06:39

My DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, started living together after 6 months. Neither of us have been married before.

We have never discussed marriage, not once. I was thinking(hoping) he might ask me on our 2nd or 3rd year anniversary but nothing...I am traditional in that I would want him to ask me not the other way around. Does it sound ridiculous that I'm too shy to bring the subject up? I think I'm afraid that he will make a joke or tell me he doesn't ever want to and I know I will take this personally and feel upset. How to I bring the subject up without sounding desperate?

OP posts:
DumDaDumDum · 15/11/2020 07:14

How old are you @Shalaytrice?

I’d bring it up. See his thoughts on marriage - maybe he just doesn’t want to get married?

How is your relationship otherwise?

Graphista · 15/11/2020 07:17

TONS of threads almost exactly like this!

You can't be that "traditional" if you lived together after 6 months!

In all honesty I am of the belief that if a man hasn't proposed - let alone not even raised the subject of marriage - in 3 years, chances are he's not interested in marrying you.

For that matter why have you never raised the subject? I find that quite strange you've NEVER discussed marriage in all your time together? Not even as an abstract concept? As in your personal thoughts and feelings about marrying anyone?

I think you know all this really you're just afraid to ask and have your fears confirmed.

But if marriage is important to you, and/or if you want a family then you need to ask.

Else you risk him stringing you along.

Heyahun · 15/11/2020 07:18

Oh gawd if you never discuss it then it probably won’t happen!

Marriage should be a joint decision! Your partner probably doesn’t even know you are interested in marriage if you never mentioned it before

You need to be able to talk about these things

FippertyGibbett · 15/11/2020 07:22

How old are you ?
Have you discussed children ?
Do you rent/mortgage ?

FippertyGibbett · 15/11/2020 07:23

If you want to be married and he doesn’t , is that the end of your relationship or would you stay ?

joystir59 · 15/11/2020 07:24

Why are you living with someone with whom you cannot even discuss your future with?

Opentooffers · 15/11/2020 07:26

I think claiming to go with tradition is a bit of an excuse to not have to be the one to ask, let's hope he's just nervous about it too, or just hasn't got around to prioritizing it but wants to when he thinks about it.
I hope being traditional extends to waiting for marriage before kids, otherwise may well not happen, lots get caught out by that.

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2020 07:32

Discuss it with him! Make it really clear that you want a proposal

KatherineJaneway · 15/11/2020 07:33

@joystir59

Why are you living with someone with whom you cannot even discuss your future with?
I agree with this.
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 15/11/2020 07:36

Talk to him then you'll at least know if you are on the same page.

Normalmumandwife · 15/11/2020 07:37

Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of getting pregnant and then being tied to him with no rights at all. If you want to get married then no kids without the ring!

IWantT0BreakFree · 15/11/2020 07:44

In all honesty I am of the belief that if a man hasn't proposed - let alone not even raised the subject of marriage - in 3 years, chances are he's not interested in marrying you.

This really surprises me. Almost everyone i know who is roughly my age (30s) and married/engaged didn't get engaged until after 3 years. We were all happily cohabiting with our partners but busy for various reasons such as degrees, getting careers started, seeing the world a bit, trying to scrape money together for homes etc. My husband and I didn't get engaged until we'd been together 5 years. My brother proposed to his wife after 7 years. My best friend was due to get married this year (postponed now until 2021) and they'd been together 4 years when they got engaged. In fact I don't know anyone in my circle who got engaged in less than 3 years. I suppose we were all fairly young when we got together with our spouses though.

OP, the biggest concern is that you don't feel you can discuss this with him. How can you marry someone if you can't discuss big things like this? It's really odd that both of you have avoided this conversation about the future for the entirety of your relationship. Before you storm in with a proposal, I think it's probably time to just have a discussion about what you both want from life and from the relationship.

IWantT0BreakFree · 15/11/2020 07:46

Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of getting pregnant and then being tied to him with no rights at all

And this ^^

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/11/2020 07:55

FFS marriage is a discussion, you talk about whether it is important to you. Dh and I discussed it very early on in our relationship, we talked about how we were both looking for a committed relationship and that marriage was important to both of us. When we moved in together it was on the understanding that this would lead to an engagement and then 2 years after that a marriage as we would want to save up for it.

You need to start the conversation. Are you imagining some perfect proposal? If so then he needs to know that. There is no shame in telling someone you want to marry them at some point, that this is where your relationship is headed in your mind and if you have set ideas about how that should happen, tell him.

And don't fall for a baby is far more of a commitment than a marriage. Just leaves you and the child/children completely vulnerable.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 15/11/2020 07:57

Should have said we have been married for 21 years. Communication is probably the most important thing in a relationship, that and how you deal with conflict between you.

category12 · 15/11/2020 07:59

So, you're afraid to bring it up in case you don't get the answer you want...

But how important is marriage to you? If he doesn't want to marry ever, would you be happy? If it's a dealbreaker for you, you need to bite the bullet and find out before you waste too many years of your life waiting.

If you're planning on having dc, be extremely cautious about reducing your hours or becoming a sahm if you're unmarried. If you intend to remain financially independent and share childcare 50/50, then it's not such an issue, but if you're taking the hit to your career prospects and long term earning power, being unmarried makes you very vulnerable.

OneLinePlease · 15/11/2020 08:02

Sorry to sound like everyone else.

DH and I talked about marriage/kids long before we lived together.

I wouldn't have moved in with him if I didn't know he wanted to get married and have kids down the line.

Do you think maybe you're afraid to ask because you know the answer?

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 15/11/2020 08:03

I would have had this discussion before moving in with him. If you’re not on the same page you would have wasted 3 and a half years of your life if it’s a deal breaker. Did you not discuss your hopes and aspirations in your early time together.

PolarnOPirate · 15/11/2020 08:04

I don't think you should be marrying someone if you feel silly being open with them, or even more so if you think they'll make you feel silly. You shouldn't be shy after 3 years with your potential life partner :(

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 15/11/2020 08:11

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

FFS marriage is a discussion, you talk about whether it is important to you. Dh and I discussed it very early on in our relationship, we talked about how we were both looking for a committed relationship and that marriage was important to both of us. When we moved in together it was on the understanding that this would lead to an engagement and then 2 years after that a marriage as we would want to save up for it.

You need to start the conversation. Are you imagining some perfect proposal? If so then he needs to know that. There is no shame in telling someone you want to marry them at some point, that this is where your relationship is headed in your mind and if you have set ideas about how that should happen, tell him.

And don't fall for a baby is far more of a commitment than a marriage. Just leaves you and the child/children completely vulnerable.

I couldn’t agree more. This is exactly what we did. I actually told my now husband after our first date that I wanted marriage and children, and that if that wasn’t what he wanted, not to bother wasting my time. He wasn’t a complete stranger, I had known him for a few years. He just replied that was exactly how he felt and we’re still happily married 25 years later.

It amazes me how many people don’t have any kind of conversation about this.

RhymesWithOrange · 15/11/2020 08:21

You can't be that traditional if you're living with him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're not being ridiculous, you've just been intensely socialised to believe that you must be proposed to, and any other proposal is less valuable.

Unfortunately you've now gone past the point of the romantic, idealistic proposal so if you want to get married you're going to have to sit him down and have an adult conversation.

If marriage is important to you (and it is important if you are going to have children/combine finances) then be prepared to walk away if the conversation doesn't go the way you want.

LilacPebbles · 15/11/2020 08:24

You have to communicate in relationships especially on something so important. How can you be sharing your life and home with someone and not know what they want in life?

GeorginaTheGiant · 15/11/2020 08:26

Agree with PP-don’t even consider getting pregnant. Have the conversation and be prepared with what you will do if he doesn’t want marriage or the response is just something about ‘Down the line’. Have. Timeframe in mind and make sure he knows about it. And don’t over complicate it. If he wants to marry you and doesn’t want to risk losing you, he will propose. Make sure he knows you won’t stay with him at all costs, unless of course you will but that’s your decision to make. Good luck.

Original poster
Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 08:30

I'm 48 and have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he's 36 and has said he doesn't want children. I'm aware that it's a conversation we should have had but it just never arose. We have a very good relationship and communicate freely, I think it's become an issue with me because I can be insecure and if he doesn't want to get married I will see this as a rejection, however immature that may seem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 08:32

He also talks about our retirements together and says he can't imagine a future without me so I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this issue.

OP posts: