Marry me?

[Shalaytrice]

My DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, started living together after 6 months. Neither of us have been married before.

We have never discussed marriage, not once. I was thinking(hoping) he might ask me on our 2nd or 3rd year anniversary but nothing...I am traditional in that I would want him to ask me not the other way around. Does it sound ridiculous that I'm too shy to bring the subject up? I think I'm afraid that he will make a joke or tell me he doesn't ever want to and I know I will take this personally and feel upset. How to I bring the subject up without sounding desperate?

I find it so strange that you've been together that long and didn't discuss this during your dating stage. Surely being traditional means you're less likely to live together before marriage, let alone after 6 months. If you want to be married and he hasn't brought it up, you'll have to raise the topic yourself. If you do and find out he isnt in to marriage, what would you?

If he's never mentioned marriage even once in the past 3.5 years then I'd assume it isn't important to him. It baffles me though that anyone can be in a relationship for that length of time and this topic has never come up. If it's important to you, why not? Do you talk about other stuff, or do you hold back on talking about finances and boundaries and other difficult things too?

Good grief!

I'm the same age as you op and a single mum of many years.

Aside from the proposal aspect what were you thinking moving in so fast when you had dc in the mix? I wouldn't have even been introducing a new partner that early to my dd!

Very odd.

But at this stage it means I HIOPE you have your housing and finances arranged so that you and dc are secure if anything changes - not just a split but if he were to become incapacitated or die. What's the setup you have ?

There's a lot going on here. A 12-yr age gap and you already have children. Thought from your post you were both youngsters. Does he think that because you didn't marry the children's dad that it's not important to you? Why does it matter so much when it didn't with their dad? I'd be prepared for an answer you might not like but, as a mature adult, it's a conversation you have to have if it is important to you. At both your ages, I'd forget the romantic bended knee in a restaurant - that ship has either sailed or never left the harbour.

I'm only a couple of years younger than you and single, Op, and I assumed you were in your 20s or early 30s with no children. I honestly don't think you're putting yourself in a good position here. Is it really in your and your dc interests you get married, that you're even all living with someone with who you can't talk about the future?

48 with two kids!!!

Why on earth do you want to get married and make this random younger man your next of kin?

I imagine the thought of marriage has never crossed his mind. Be prepared for him to bolt when you bring it up.

what is your financial position OP?

Graphista

My DC left home before I met him though live locally and adore him. We never argue about money and split everything though he is the higher earner.

What would be the benefit to you both to get married?

Why would someone propose when they and their partner have never had a discussion about marriage?

Have you really never discussed what you want out of a relationship? Whether that means marriage, finances, children, travel etc?

Chamberlai

'Random younger man' ? Why would I want to make him my next of kin?

Erm, because he's gorgeous, sexy, hard working, intelligent & loves me.

Why do you want to get married? I can't imagine ever wanting to get married again and I'm similar age. It would be so messy for financial reasons and I expect your partner knows this.

@Normalmumandwife

Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of getting pregnant and then being tied to him with no rights at all. If you want to get married then no kids without the ring!

Rights to what?

I would engineer a conversation to see his general attitude eg watch a movie where they are getting married and talk pondering, about marriage abstractly ... we have done this and when the time is right we will (minor matter of bothering to legally divorce stbexh first, haven't actually bothered!)

Bigfootmama

He owns land and properties which he rents out, we decided to rent together for now because my credit rating didn't allow me a joint mortgage, but we are working on that with the aim to buy eventually.

You mention retirement. How would that work out with the age difference? I'm not saying its wrong you live together as your dc have left home now but on a practical note surely you would be retired at least 12 years before him?

Oh sod off @Graphista we got married on our 10 year anniversary and we both agree it's the best decision we have ever made. Scandalously we also did it AFTER we'd had a baby (we've had another one since).

Urgh the misogyny on this thread commenting on the age gap. If there's a thread where the man is 15 or 20 years older it's all your go hun' and 'only love matters'. Perhaps some of you are jealous

OP just ask him, life is short. You sound great, he'll probably bite your hand off!

Unless you have more cash/property than him in which case I wouldn't put that at risk by marrying.

Sorry op but if you're not financially independent I can see why he doesn't want to marry. If he were posting from his view point people would tell him not to.

If you believe what you said in your last post, why not just ask him his views? Are you prepared for him to say no? As long as you don't make it, marry me or else, what harm could it cause, if he is as committed as you believe? I don't think it's the man's role necessarily to "propose". Surely we live in days of far more equality? It's getting on for 30 years since my DH and I decided to marry - there was no proposal, we just had a conversation which I probably started. That was 4 years into our relationship, though we didn't live together at that point (but he stayed at my house a lot).

You’re not in a very good relationship if you can’t even raise the subject of marriage with him.

However if financially you’re not in a good place fhen I would also advise him not to marry you, sorry op.

A lot of judgmental comments on here, I have to say... example 'random younger man'. It's a shame that Mumsnet is used as a forum for asking people's opinions, only to get bitten back at.

Anyway... OP, I would definitely have a conversation with him. He may not realise you want marriage, and take it from there.

What is the situation here re property and finances?.

Why did you move in together after 6 months?. Circumstances not being ideal for either one of you?. You barely knew each other then and still really do not now. If he has stated he does not want children then I would daresay he does not want marriage either. He seems quite happy as he is with this set up he has with you. He is also 36 so retirement is a long way off for him as well as you.

Your good points re him have no real substance to them.
He may well love you but you cannot talk openly about marriage and you think you're traditional anyway because you want him to ask you for your hand in marriage.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

OP I agree with others that you need to broach the subject. Is it possible he's slightly holding the door open on kids? (Not judging your DP, just seen this happen a couple of times in both directions with men in mid 30s)

Sadly I agree with the others. If he's savvie enough to have accumulated a property portfolio then he is unlikely to want to marry and potentially give away half of it.