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Original poster

Marry me?

130 replies

Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 06:39

My DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, started living together after 6 months. Neither of us have been married before.

We have never discussed marriage, not once. I was thinking(hoping) he might ask me on our 2nd or 3rd year anniversary but nothing...I am traditional in that I would want him to ask me not the other way around. Does it sound ridiculous that I'm too shy to bring the subject up? I think I'm afraid that he will make a joke or tell me he doesn't ever want to and I know I will take this personally and feel upset. How to I bring the subject up without sounding desperate?

OP posts:
category12 · 15/11/2020 10:17

How about a hand-fasting (or other commitment ceremony) to celebrate your relationship, without the legal/financial complications?

Unsure33 · 15/11/2020 10:21

I agree you both need to think about the financial implications of marriage for both of you . That might not sound romantic but it is important. So if you do want to get married you should have some sort of agreement drawn up so you all know where you stand .

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 15/11/2020 10:25

It is possible to marry and protect your assets with wills. I am the sole homeowner, and have granted DH a lifetime interest in our home. But ultimately it is the children's inheritance.

As others have said, he is in a much better financial position, so may be reluctant to tie himself with someone with bad money management and credit rating.

Hailtomyteeth · 15/11/2020 10:30

Good grief.
You're his happy shag, for now. He's not thinking of tying himself to you - unless there's benefit in it for him. You are 'hung up' about it because you know the truth, even if you won't admit it to yourself.
So.
He's lovely and a good shag, hopefully.
You rent. You probably won't be in a position to buy alone, but if you do, protect it from him like he's protecting his assets from you.
You're nearly fifty. You can have romantic dreams but you need to recognise them as that, and plan with ruthless precision for your old age if you turn out to be alone.
Stop making a proposal a priority. That ship sailed about twenty-five years ago. Make your everyday happiness and your future security your priorities.
I'm 63. I'm not some young woman thinking you're past it. I really believe you need to take this guy with a pinch of salt.

MintyCedric · 15/11/2020 10:40

@Hailtomyteeth

I don't think I've ever read such a mind-blowingly negative, patronising, rude comment on MN and I've been here for years.

Plenty of people the OPs age and older find genuine romance and great sex and get married/remarried later in life.

OP there's a lot of judgemental BS on here but also a lot of good points, particularly about protecting your own assets and your kids inheritance.

It is likely he wants to protect himself by not marrying so you need to consider how you feel about that and whether you be happy to agree to legal measures to ring fence what each of you enter a potential marriage with.

If, all things being equal, you still want to get married, then you really should be able to approach the subject one way or another. You may have to put your 'traditional' ideas aside to get it sorted but what's more important...a marriage or a proposal?

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 10:51

Moving in “so fast”? They’ve been together 3.5 years, is that fast to move in?

Eh the poster is referring to the fact he moved in after six months.

How about a hand-fasting (or other commitment ceremony) to celebrate your relationship, without the legal/financial complications?

Does anyone in real life actually do hand fasting? 😂

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 15/11/2020 10:53

My exH handfasted his new partner. She feels like it's a commitment but in reality he just doesn't want to marry her.

LilacPebbles · 15/11/2020 10:55

I've seen your further comments OP, there is no way your DP would know you'd want marriage at your age unless you decidedly communicate with him. He won't think you're traditional either given the circumstances so he can't assume you've changed your mindset- again unless you tell him.
I'm mid thirties and with children, I would have to be very clear that I wanted marriage with a future partner (I don't), for the same reasons I've mentioned above.

....What the friggin hell is hand-fasting?!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 15/11/2020 11:07

Hand fasting is where you drape a ribbon over your wrists and then jump over a rope in front of an audience as a sign of your love for each other.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 11:09

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

Hand fasting is where you drape a ribbon over your wrists and then jump over a rope in front of an audience as a sign of your love for each other.
I think we all know what it is, the question was does anyone actually do that, with a straight face any way. Apparently the answer is yes though.
Batshittery · 15/11/2020 11:20

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

Hand fasting is where you drape a ribbon over your wrists and then jump over a rope in front of an audience as a sign of your love for each other.
Cringe.

OP you should ask him if he sees marriage in his future. If it was so important to me, I wouldn't have attached myself to someone without even knowing their views.

DominicCummingsBlog · 15/11/2020 11:27

@Chamberlai

48 with two kids!!!

Why on earth do you want to get married and make this random younger man your next of kin?

I imagine the thought of marriage has never crossed his mind. Be prepared for him to bolt when you bring it up.

FFS he's hardly a "random younger man". What a judgemental and sexist post. They've been together for some time and at 36 he's hardly a spring chicken himself.

Why wouldn't the OP and her b/f want to get married?

Grobagsforever · 15/11/2020 11:29

[quote MintyCedric]@Hailtomyteeth

I don't think I've ever read such a mind-blowingly negative, patronising, rude comment on MN and I've been here for years.

Plenty of people the OPs age and older find genuine romance and great sex and get married/remarried later in life.

OP there's a lot of judgemental BS on here but also a lot of good points, particularly about protecting your own assets and your kids inheritance.

It is likely he wants to protect himself by not marrying so you need to consider how you feel about that and whether you be happy to agree to legal measures to ring fence what each of you enter a potential marriage with.

If, all things being equal, you still want to get married, then you really should be able to approach the subject one way or another. You may have to put your 'traditional' ideas aside to get it sorted but what's more important...a marriage or a proposal?[/quote]
Exactly @MintyCedric

DominicCummingsBlog · 15/11/2020 11:32

Stop making a proposal a priority. That ship sailed about twenty-five years ago.

FGS another load of sexist rubbish. Hey women everywhere.... make sure you are proposed to by the time you're 21 as once you get to 48 you can forget about it! Hmm

Emmie12345 · 15/11/2020 11:33

@Shalaytrice tell him Calmly and firmly you want to get married by whatever date

Then leave it for 6 months

User74575762 · 15/11/2020 11:41

I do have a friend who married a much older woman who already had a boatload of children so, while I have no idea really about the details of your relationship, I know it can work. (I went to their wedding - they still seem very happy - he's a very young grandad though but looks like he enjoys it!).
48 is about the age to start thinking about getting lasting powers of attorney done, so a) do it because it's a good idea anyway! and b) it's a neutral way in to talking about long term legal arrangements.
Whether or not you get married you should have a will, set up the pension "expression of wishes", set up LPA, and have a savings/retirement plan. If you need to make or update your will you should ask him if the two of you are going to get married so that you can put "in contemplation of marriage to X" in the will and thus have it remain valid after marriage (to avoid the expense and trouble of doing a new one).
Read up about pre-nups - sounds like you both might have an interest in having one in your situations.
If he really loves you and trusts you he might actually want to get married not just for the romance of it but because he could shift some assets over to you to make use of your CGT allowance!
Lastly, what's your pension setup? If it's a defined benefit scheme that would pay a widower's pension then if you're going to be together for life it's in his interest to get married.

Look, I get that it makes you feel secure. I was never a romantic believer in "weddings" etc but did eventually go down the registry office (did it for the pension & IHT, the CGT was a bonus later on) and actually it is nice knowing we're legally "family"! But make legal / financial decisions with your head and spreadsheet and enjoy the warm feels after.

I also get that sometimes a May-September romance is lovely but doesn't last. I have seen a few work just fine but not all, so just keep a level head I guess.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2020 11:42

@Hailtomyteeth

You must be a really unhappy person to have written such a vitriolic post to a complete stranger. Christ.

DianaT1969 · 15/11/2020 11:47

The trouble with the OP bringing up marriage, is that if he doesn't want to, she'll know and it will hang in the air. So the relationship could come to a premature end. If marriage isn't a deal-breaker and she wants to stay with him long-term, then not broaching the subject gets the OP what she wants. It might sound like head in the sand, but don't underestimate how hurt you can feel when your partner tells you he doesn't want to marry you.

Emmie12345 · 15/11/2020 11:55

Op I don’t think my dp initially was keen re marriage again . I just told him it was important to me and after some (very heavy hints ) he proposed

Now I’m the one who isn’t in hurry to actually get married tbh as it now doesn’t feel as important as it did Hahahah

Will prob do it in a few years when kids are all older )) I’m
47 btw x

RaspAsYouChokeOnTheToupee · 15/11/2020 11:59

Going back to your first post, you shouldn’t be worried that he’ll make a joke about something that is important to you. If you genuinely think he will make a joke out of something that is important to you, big or small, then you shouldn’t even be in a relationship with him, let alone looking at marriage with him.

In your circumstance, you also need to detach yourself from him not wanting to get married to a rejection of you. You may earn a similar amount to him but you have substantially less assets than he does. He is also 12 years younger and so has longer to acquire more assets. You also have two children, who will be looking to inherit from your estate. There are other ways that he can be your next of kin, whilst still protecting your children and his assets.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2020 12:13

@Shalaytrice

I'm 48 and have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he's 36 and has said he doesn't want children. I'm aware that it's a conversation we should have had but it just never arose. We have a very good relationship and communicate freely, I think it's become an issue with me because I can be insecure and if he doesn't want to get married I will see this as a rejection, however immature that may seem.
Well, you don't really communicate freely, if you can't discuss this.

Have you discussed/made wills? PoA? Do you jointly own your home?

PhilCornwall1 · 15/11/2020 12:19

Have you discussed/made wills? PoA? Do you jointly own your home?

It's rented.

DaphneduM · 15/11/2020 12:52

I think I would live in the moment and not worry too much about marriage here. You already have your children and apart from the credit score issue, seem well set financially as you have a well paid job and pension. I hate to pre-judge a situation, but I wonder if he is keeping his options open here. He has financial assets, but seems happy renting with you rather than buying a property now, which presumably he could do if he wanted. A good broker can usually get round the issues regarding poor credit scores. I would enjoy your relationship for now and not put any pressure on him. Once it's out in the open, you can't take it back. If he wanted to marry, I would have thought he would have brought it up by now. Apart from the marriage thing, you sound happy - enjoy what you've got. Marriage certainly isn't the be-all and end-all.

LilacPebbles · 15/11/2020 13:13

Ohhh thanks for explaining, OneRing
I've seen photos of this before, I had assumed the couple were legally married and this was a photo op as they are into steampunk/new age witchy stuff

sadie9 · 15/11/2020 13:26

He's 36 and talking about your retirement together? He's 30yrs away from retirement!
Where did he live before moving in with you?
It's like you are just sitting in constant fear that he will leave you.
How are the household expenses/finances split exactly? Does he pay you rent?

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