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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marry me?

130 replies

Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 06:39

My DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, started living together after 6 months. Neither of us have been married before.

We have never discussed marriage, not once. I was thinking(hoping) he might ask me on our 2nd or 3rd year anniversary but nothing...I am traditional in that I would want him to ask me not the other way around. Does it sound ridiculous that I'm too shy to bring the subject up? I think I'm afraid that he will make a joke or tell me he doesn't ever want to and I know I will take this personally and feel upset. How to I bring the subject up without sounding desperate?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2020 09:03

"He owns land and properties which he rents out, we decided to rent together for now because my credit rating didn't allow me a joint mortgage, but we are working on that with the aim to buy eventually".

All of the above is in his name isn't it with you having no part of that. He wants to protect his assets.

Your poor credit rating would not preclude you in itself from being named on a mortgage application. Re buying a property eventually has he given a timeframe for this or are you waiting for that patiently as well?.

Chamberlai · 15/11/2020 09:08

Well then OP, if he loves you as much as you reckon he'll be delighted to marry you and hand over his property portfolio to you and your kids.

You sound incredibly naive.

MacbookHo · 15/11/2020 09:15

He owns land and properties which he rents out, we decided to rent together for now because my credit rating didn't allow me a joint mortgage,

There’s your answer. He’d be a fool financially to marry you.

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 15/11/2020 09:16

@Shalaytrice

I'm 48 and have 2 DC from a previous relationship, he's 36 and has said he doesn't want children. I'm aware that it's a conversation we should have had but it just never arose. We have a very good relationship and communicate freely, I think it's become an issue with me because I can be insecure and if he doesn't want to get married I will see this as a rejection, however immature that may seem.
It doesn’t sound like you communicate freely if you want to get married but can’t tell him.
Original poster
Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 09:17

Chamberlai

You are unpleasant, I have a very well paid job and will have a really decent pension with a lump sum to buy a property outright, so our finances are evenly balanced or at least will be. He often laughs at me being able to enjoy retirement while he's still working.

As a previous poster noted, it appears you are indeed jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shalaytrice · 15/11/2020 09:18

MacbookHo

See above. Plus my credit rating was destroyed by previous partner.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/11/2020 09:21

I'm not sure I'd marry in your position. I think I'd want my dc to be able to be the sole inheritors in the event in my death.

zafferana · 15/11/2020 09:25

I'm not sure I'd marry in your position. I think I'd want my dc to be able to be the sole inheritors in the event in my death.

Yeah, this is a good point actually. Say you get married OP, you being older pre-decease and your DH, and he inherits your estate as your spouse. But he then marries again before he dies and so his new spouse then inherits your estate. Your DC would get nothing. Be very, very careful about marrying someone who isn't your DC's parent.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2020 09:25

Op, you’re a long way off retirement to be honest.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2020 09:25

If a previous partner built up debts in your sole name (I guess this is why your credit rating has been trashed) then this was abusive behaviour from him. Have you ever contacted Stepchange about this matter?.

This man you are with now could potentially move into one of his own properties with you yet he chooses to jointly rent (and therefore be a tenant to another landlord).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2020 09:28

You are also quite some years off from retiring.

I hope you have a will drawn up at a Solicitors office naming your children as sole inheritors of your estate.

Bigfootmama · 15/11/2020 09:31

what age will you be taking your pension?

dottiedodah · 15/11/2020 09:32

Maybe just broach the subject in a casual way . Mention"in passing" that so and so friend is getting married during lockdown or something, or that someone in the paper is.See what he says then maybe gauge his reaction? At 48 and with DC ,he may not see the issue as important really ,but if it matters to you then it is!

Secretwwefan · 15/11/2020 09:33

Can’t you just watch some romantic comedy or something and chuckle about ‘what you’d like on your big day’ and gauge his reaction.

RhymesWithOrange · 15/11/2020 09:36

@Secretwwefan

Can’t you just watch some romantic comedy or something and chuckle about ‘what you’d like on your big day’ and gauge his reaction.

Seriously, don't embarrass yourself with this shit, just ask the guy what's the deal.

LittleRa · 15/11/2020 09:36

@Graphista

Good grief!

I'm the same age as you op and a single mum of many years.

Aside from the proposal aspect what were you thinking moving in so fast when you had dc in the mix? I wouldn't have even been introducing a new partner that early to my dd!

Very odd.

But at this stage it means I HIOPE you have your housing and finances arranged so that you and dc are secure if anything changes - not just a split but if he were to become incapacitated or die. What's the setup you have ?

Moving in “so fast”? They’ve been together 3.5 years, is that fast to move in?
RantyAnty · 15/11/2020 09:37

Yes, watch a romcom and then start the conversation. Be brave and do it!

Bumble84 · 15/11/2020 09:39

Is it a deal breaker if he doesn’t want to get married? If it is you should really have brought it up by now. Not in a ‘why haven’t you proposed way’ just a discussion about both of your thoughts on marriage. Surely this is a natural conversation that happens in any relationship? If he doesn’t want to get married then I wouldn’t blame him for thinking you felt the same way because you’ve never even mentioned it.

Not sure how you’ve managed to have the conversation about kids but not marriage. It’s something me and my now DH had discussed way before we got engaged and started ttc just to make sure we were on the same page.

I think it’s sad when couples realise years later they want different things and the relationship breaks down because of it.

Hiccupiscal · 15/11/2020 09:41

Op, you've had a tough time here, you didn't ask for your relationship to be picked apart, just what to do about broaching the subject of marriage (although, I do add PP have brought up good points about inheritance etc)

We haven't got the answers for you, Op.

Marriage is what you want, you have to ask. Doesn't have to be a huge thing.
Sat down having dinner, a simple, weve been together X amount of time, I would really like to get married, what are you thoughts?

...on he has the answer. Be prepared for a no. Especially if he's protecting his assets. If its a no, ask why. Would you both be willing to sign paperwork to protect each others interests?

Unfortunately marriage is viewed as all romance and big days and happily ever after, reality is there's alot of legal shit behind it too.

You need to discuss it with DP and be prepared for marriage to be off the cards tbh, you cannot sit around waiting for DP to hopefully ask, he likely won't.

Please let us know what you intend to do!

Hiccupiscal · 15/11/2020 09:43

*only he had the answer

Azerothi · 15/11/2020 09:48

If your boyfriend hasn't mentioned it by now it is highly unlikely he wants to marry you.

You're not traditional in any way. You had two children that you weren't married to their father(s) so just ask him or mention it. I would also think about how you will feel when your boyfriend says something along the lines of 'marriage is just a piece of paper' ' why spoil what we have' and any number of made-up excuses.

If marriage is important to you it is very hard to move past it when the boyfriend in question gives his excuses for not wanting to marry you. Give it some thought.

DianaT1969 · 15/11/2020 09:49

Having read this OP I think you should continue with the relationship as it is. Take marriage bout of the equation and continue to enjoy what you have. Neither of you benefit financially from marriage (he could lose half his assets and you could lose half your pension if you divorce depending on finances at the time,). He said he doesn't want kids with you, so I can't see why getting married would be a priority for him.
Have a good, long relationship instead.

Lozzerbmc · 15/11/2020 09:51

I think if you did marry you would need to take steps to protect your children and ensure they inherit your assets as mentioned above.

But you should be able to talk to him about marriage as its quite normal to discuss the future after you talked about moving in together

RatanPostmaster · 15/11/2020 10:02

@DianaT1969

Having read this OP I think you should continue with the relationship as it is. Take marriage bout of the equation and continue to enjoy what you have. Neither of you benefit financially from marriage (he could lose half his assets and you could lose half your pension if you divorce depending on finances at the time,). He said he doesn't want kids with you, so I can't see why getting married would be a priority for him. Have a good, long relationship instead.
This is a very wise advice. I agree OP enjoy what you have now as marriage does not legally benefit either of you.
FrazzledFTM · 15/11/2020 10:13

If you want to gauge your DP's feelings around marrying you without actually proposing, maybe something like "do you think we'll get married one day?" - keep it casual so you're not pressuring him to propose tomorrow but just putting it out there to see his feelings.

Towards the very start of our relationship, I asked my DP, who has been married before, whether he would ever marry again. I wasn't asking him to marry me, it hadn't been long between us so I didn't know then if I wanted him to marry me, but marriage is important to me and I wanted to be sure he was open to the idea.

We are now engaged and hoping to get married next year. I think if he had said no to my original question, I would have had second thoughts about getting serious with him.

My point is, ask his opinions on marriage and whether it's in his future vision with you. You don't have to force him to put a ring on your finger right now. Sometimes, men in particular, take a little longer to feel ready for that.