Marry me?

[Shalaytrice]

My DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, started living together after 6 months. Neither of us have been married before.

We have never discussed marriage, not once. I was thinking(hoping) he might ask me on our 2nd or 3rd year anniversary but nothing...I am traditional in that I would want him to ask me not the other way around. Does it sound ridiculous that I'm too shy to bring the subject up? I think I'm afraid that he will make a joke or tell me he doesn't ever want to and I know I will take this personally and feel upset. How to I bring the subject up without sounding desperate?

Well, you do surprise me. I made a perfectly reasonable post and you've all objected. Bonkers. I'm an older woman, the OP is an older woman, there's no time left to wait for a man to propose. Sort it, and move on.

@Bluntness100

Moving in “so fast”? They’ve been together 3.5 years, is that fast to move in?

Eh the poster is referring to the fact he moved in after six months.

How about a hand-fasting (or other commitment ceremony) to celebrate your relationship, without the legal/financial complications?

Does anyone in real life actually do hand fasting? 😂

Off topic, but DP & I considering handfasting, then register office sign the paperwork - so yes, people do actually do it. We like the traditional, old aspect of it. Would only be DP and I, and its something that resonate with us.

Apologies for de-railing somewhat op!

@Bluntness100

Moving in “so fast”? They’ve been together 3.5 years, is that fast to move in?

Eh the poster is referring to the fact he moved in after six months.

How about a hand-fasting (or other commitment ceremony) to celebrate your relationship, without the legal/financial complications?

Does anyone in real life actually do hand fasting? 😂

Lots of people do, I have been to three weddings where handfasting is part of the ceremony. It is also where the phrase tie the knot comes from.

Hailtomyteeth

You're abhorrent.
Your desperate unhappiness in yourself seeps out via your keyboard comments.

I don't know why handfasting is so hilarious, Bluntness. I guess you're easily amused. Some people like the tradition. Other people have different tastes, who knew?

Actually I think hailtomyteeth's advice was pretty spot on and wise. You only need to read some of the relationship threads on mumsnet and know in rl older women who have been ditched and left high and dry by a man. Romance is all well and good but being independent and financially secure especially for your dc is far more important.

You're his happy shag, for now. He's not thinking of tying himself to you - unless there's benefit in it for him. You are 'hung up' about it because you know the truth, even if you won't admit it to yourself.

Happy, decent, well adjusted people don't say stuff like this online to strangers @Hailtomyteeth

I really hope you can fix whatever is going on in your life that makes you lash out at people and say things so dripping in unhappiness.

It's not just nasty it's really weird!

Good luck with your own issues

youvegottenminuteslynn

Here here, well said and thank you. X

Sorry of I was him and had so many assets I wouldn't be in a hurry to marry you

Neither of you are spring chickens where having children generally drives a need to get married so you shouldn't have any expectations that a marriage will ever be on the cards

I can't understand how you could be with someone for 3.5 years and live together but not discuss your future and what you want
Surely things like marriage should be discussed in the first few dates so you don't get into this predicament years down the line.
Its concerning that you feel you're desperate if you bring up a perfectly reasonable question like marriage.
Does he wear the trousers? Do you just go along with what he says and does?

Trying to say that I might be unhappy or maladjusted in some way does not take away from the facts. OP needs to look to her own security and happiness and not pin her hopes on him.

I am surprised you did not discuss marriage before you moved in together. Surely that is the usual outcome for most couples?

Also three and a half years is a long time to be together and no mention of it at all.

If marriage is important to you then you need to find out how he really feels

@Hailtomyteeth

I actually found your reply one or the most sensible on here 🤣 - sometimes it's the fact we are strangers on this forum means we can be blunt and honest in a way that the posters own family and friends won't be and may likely coddle them. Isn't that why people come on here rather than going to their friends and family?

Thanks everyone for the comments (well almost everyone!).

For those asking about his properties and land, these are abroad and he has offered for myself and my DC to go and live there at any time in the future if practicable, alternatively to holiday there from time to time (which we have already done).His dream is for us to build a house together. I appreciate the comments about protecting my DC's future financially and of course I will do this, though I trust him implicitly, he and his whole family are really decent people.

The age gap is nothing, he looks older and I look younger so it's never been an issue.

This post has been an eye-opener for me as I realise we don't even need to be married when we enjoy what we have, I guess it was just a childhood romantic dream.

@Hailtomyteeth

I am a 'middle aged' woman whatever the fuxk that means in this day and age and agree that the OP can and should take responsibility for her own happiness and protect her assets.

It's perfectly possible to make those points without denigrating the OPs current relationship (which sounds pretty damn good aside from the need to discuss their feelings on marriage) and casting aspertions on an age difference that no-one would give a shiny shite about if the genders were reversed.

@Shalaytrice

There's nothing wrong with having romantic dreams whatever your age unless you want end up a miserable, embittered old fart

dailycaller.com/2020/10/26/octogenarian-couple-ireland-marry-40-years-first-meeting/

OP you sound defeated.
So you don't want to get married or you do? Sounds like you'd rather stay quiet and miserable than talk to your partner.
Marriage is not a romantic childhood dream, far from it so why wouldn't you pursue it ?
Sounds like you're not that happy.

@Shalaytrice

He owns land and properties which he rents out, we decided to rent together for now because my credit rating didn't allow me a joint mortgage, but we are working on that with the aim to buy eventually.

As kids are not in the mix...if I were him I wouldn't get married. You are both financially secure

@MintyCedric

Think what you like, treasure. Say what you like. How are you doing? Now, go look for another victim. You don't impress me at all.

@Hailtomyteeth

I'm not remotely interested in impressing you, I can assure you!

In all honesty I am of the belief that if a man hasn't proposed - let alone not even raised the subject of marriage - in 3 years, chances are he's not interested in marrying you.

Comments like this baffle me - she hasnt mentioned it either so should he assume she's not interested? Maybe that's why he's not brought it up?

Honestly OP, just have a conversation with the guy! Some people would hate the idea of a 'traditional' proposal - he's not a mind reader!

Although I think it's worth considering carefully if this would be the right move for you legally, especially as you have kids.

@Shalaytrice
Hailtomyteeth
You're abhorrent.
Your desperate unhappiness in yourself seeps out via your keyboard comments.

And your post is even worse

Well what an amazing end to an emotional day. We went for a long walk in the woods this afternoon and were talking about a couple we know who are getting married abroad next year. I asked him if he had ever thought about marriage. His answer? "I'd marry you tomorrow if I could' he then went on to say in previous conversations when it had come up I had seemed disinterested so he hadn't wanted to push it and assumed i was happy as we are (which i am).

I'm literally gobsmacked and ended up telling him about my MN post today and we ended up having a good laugh about it. So all my angst was for nothing ! I feel a twit for overthinking now. We are planning to go for 2021 but he says he would like to do a romantic proposal ..watch this space :)

Cracking open champagne tonight to celebrate, I'm so glad I put this post up and can't stop smiling. Thanks again everyone and thanks MN x

Awwwww woohooooopo@Shalaytrice 😍😍😍😍

I'm abhorrent? I can't even spell it.

Well, good luck with that, OP. See you in eighteen months...