What would actually happen in court? And what else would happen first?

[Bearsinmotion]

ExDP and I separated over 2 years ago, but we still lived together until a few weeks ago. We aren’t married, have 2 DC, who live the me in the family home and have a joint mortgage.

DP is mentally ill - he has had severe OCD all his adult life, but over the last few years he has got much worse. Two years ago the children and I had to leave the house for nearly a year after social services deemed it unsafe for the children. This is because there is clutter, including rubbish and recycling which he refuses to let me through away. He has had treatment, but the house is still a tip and he is still trying to control everything. But it’s certainly not enough for the children to have a proper childhood.

Over the years I have for everything I can for DP but now I’m done. He is delusional, he is gaslighting, lying to people who are trying to help and verbally abusive and controlling.

As it stands, I am seeing a solicitor on Wednesday then I have a visit for a company to quote for decluttering the house. However ex-DP will refuse to let this happen, and is threatening police, legal action etc, and also that if I do take legal action he will kill himself.

My question is what he can actually do? I am not getting rid of anything belonging to him that has any value, but he will not see it that way. He tells me to expect a “full, no holds barred court case” on my hands, as part of which he says he will list all his (imaginary) concerns about my mental state.

But what can he actually do? He has convinced himself I have a litany of mental health issues (I don’t) and that I neglected him after the birth of DC2, and is telling this to anyone who will listen. He is deeply controlling and unable to regulate him emotions. Now he is telling me to send back the DC’s Christmas presents because we have to pay the solicitor’s fees.

But what can he actually do? I am not mentally ill. I have had continued involvement with social services who are perfectly happy about how I care for the children. I can’t afford to buy him out but could pay the mortgage on a smaller house with the DC. I guess I really want to know whether he can force a court battle and what happens if he won’t follow any agreement the solicitor puts in place...

The only thing you can do is force sale of the house and get your share back assuming you both own the current home?

Application to court to force a sale, sale to be conducted by the court , stops him preventing valuation and viewings.
Is any help being put in for him? Adult social services ? mental health team? Is he working?

Oh and I don't think he'll be starting a court battle, that was a threat to control you. Pursuing legal action would take time, concentration and stamina that he may struggle to find if he is consumed by OCD.
It truly is a shitty disease.

The court process includes going through mediation first. This is costly, and maybe non productive. Your ex partner would need to be willing to engage.

You will have initial appointments separately, and the mediator will then, if I remember correctly, deem if you will both benefit from further mediation appointments. These will be joint appointments.

If mediation is found to be non beneficial, then an application to the court will be made by your solicitor.

You will be asked to compete various documents, detailing your finances, employment etc.

The matter will be heard in the family court. The judge will always rule in favour of the children. So in this case, your children have a family home, you are the stable care provider, their father is unwell but this is not the primary concern for the situation.

It’s a long and emotional process, I hope you have some rl support.

He is working full time in theory, currently on reduced hours because of his mental health. I don’t think he will go to court either but it suddenly occurred to me I don’t know what he could do if he did!

Thank you. I saw a solicitor last year and she said a mediator is unlikely to work with us because of his mental health.

Where is he living? Can't he have all the stuff with him, or pay for storage?

A mobile home, so no space! We have discussed storage. He said it was an option but he’s not done anything in 2 years.

He has actually had a lot of support for his OCD. When he was living here I supported him, he has been through the NHS system, seen a private specialist and has had weekly private therapy for the last 6 months. Adult social card have tried to help but he refused.

Who actually owns your home?

Joint mortgage, 5 years in to a 25 year term.

Problem is it would be impossible to sell until the clutter has gone:

Your solicitor will advise you.

Can you get an occupation order so he can not enter the house? I'm not sure about the stuff - I would have thought that as it is his, you can't actually get rid of it. Can you afford to get it put into storage? Then ask the court for them to agree you have some conduct of the sale of the house.

*sole conduct

Is it possible for you box & bag up everything of his including all the clutter and either drop off wherever he is staying or put in a storage unit/someone's garage or shed?

How were you able to move back in - did he get rid of some of it then?

Take detailed photos of the whole house before you start so you have evidence of what it was like.

I was planning to box up his stuff and actually getting rid of the recycling and rubbish. We already have 5 external bins and two sheds stuffed with recycling.

Good point about the photos.

If it's his belongings that he's stated he doesn't want throwing away. I'd deliver it all carefully boxed to his home.
Obviously you need legal advice. But if he wants all this stuff he can't keep it at yours.

So are you now living in the house full of clutter? Or has it moved with him. If the situation has not changed are ss happy for your dc to be there? He won't pursue it legally, it is a bluff to control you. Have you had any counselling to gain a better perspective?

Can you put everything in boxes and put it in storage, and then put all the rubbish in a skip, and then tell him?

You can then take photos etc for sale of the house.

This approach might seem cruel to him but he's had the opportunity to move the stuff and hasn't. Your children need to take priority over him, especially since he gets some other place to live and they can't get away from the rubbish at the moment. And you need to move on to your new home.

Sorry you're going through this. We have something like this going on in our extended family too. 3 siblings inherited house on their mother's death, 2 still living there, one of which has become very mentally unwell and is trashing the house and being aggressive to other sibling. They were sectioned once but allowed home before appeal and we are waiting for him to be sectioned again. It's all a big horrible and very sad mess. My heart goes out to you.

He did get rid of enough stuff for social services to say it’s no longer a fire risk, but that was back in January. I would be surprised if they would let us stay if they reassessed now. We have been in a caravan for 8 weeks in September as we weren’t allowed to use the actual beds as they were “contaminated”.

Do you think he actually has the capacity to divorce and agree financial settlement?

Unfortunately he deemed the caravan as contaminated as it was 15 years old, which triggered his current MH crisis.

I’d be tempted to photograph and then dispose of the rubbish. And to put anything of any value into storage. If he is not living there then he cannot stop you doing this. If he takes you to court then have evidence of what was removed will be important.

Thinking again about the expense of storage (which doesn't sound worth it since the stuff is worthless).

Could you deliver it all to his place in boxes along with some plastic sheeting so he can cover it between sorting through it all of he can't get it inside?

We aren’t married so its just about the children and financial arrangements. I actually don’t think he does have the capacity to make an arrangement that is in his best interests, but there is no way he would accept that, and this has been the case for years.