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Original poster

Met a nice man who is shorter and much physically slighter than me.

120 replies

yellowhighheels · 14/11/2020 11:22

Hi all

I am not asking for a flaming here, I know it's a superficial thing. I'm more just asking what you would do.

I have been dating for 3 years since my last long term partner. There have been countless dates, several 'situationships' and short flings but not the right guy for a family and relationship which is what I want. In this time there have only been two men I seriously liked as a full package. One lived too far away and the other ghosted. I am 34 and starting to worry.

Very recently I had a couple of not very nice experiences where the men were extremely pushy for sex. I had to fight one of them off, physically.

Anyway, over the last few weeks, I have had about 5 lockdown dates (walks) and a lot of chat with a really nice man. He is very clever, funny, accomplished, kind and respectful as well as down to earth and open. He has expressed that he likes me a lot.

However, there is one thing that makes me feel awkward, self conscious and not as attracted to him as I would like to be. I am 5'6" and a size 12-14 so not enormous but definitely 'big boned' and stocky with broad shoulders and hips and very muscular thighs. I am losing weight and have dropped 2 or 3 dress sizes but I don't get smaller than a size 10-12 because of my frame.

The guy is shorter than me and is carrying a bit of weight (his own words) but has a rather slight frame. He compliments me a lot but asked my height so I know he is aware of how different we are.

Of course, I would never express my awkwardness to him but next to him I just feel huge and to be honest don't want to dwarf a man. I saw our reflection and it was noticable.

If I was just taller, it wouldn't be such an issue i don't think, its more my build.

I get that it is just a social or evolutionary norm, for men to ideally appear bigger and stronger and that there's nothing intrinsically better about it but to be honest it is a norm I have grown up with. I am also really conscious of my size as my family focussed a lot on my height build and weight as I grew up in a very negative way.

This guy is lovely. His personality is so refreshing. But I'm just not sure i am attracted because of this. What would you do?

TLDR: I have met a nice guy but feel huge next to him. WWYD?

OP posts:
seensome · 14/11/2020 11:34

If you're not attracted to him then don't see him. I wouldn't personally want to date a shorter, lighter man. I quite honestly I can't believe I'm saying this but I do notice when the woman is bigger than the man, it doesn't look right, sorry that is my opinion though. I'm sure there will be plenty of women that are happy with shorter men.
Just not me

MotherOfDragons85 · 14/11/2020 11:45

He’s shorter and “slimmer” than you, is that correct?

I’m a larger girl, and my partner is very slim, but I’m 5ft3 and he’s 6ft. So I’m short and fat and he is tall and slim, I often wonder if people look at us and think “poor bloke she must crush him” I would say I always think about it but it’s not upsetting enough to not want him, and I’m very attracted to him he’s exactly my type and everything I want in a man.

Do you think you’re not attracted to him because of his physical appearance or because you’re worried about what people will think? Either way I think it will be a waste of your time as it’ll carry on making you feel
Self conscious and you sadly can’t have a proper relationship without attraction - it’s a recipe for disaster.

Doyoumind · 14/11/2020 11:48

There's no right or wrong to it but if you don't fancy him you don't fancy him and there's no basis for a relationship.

FastnetLundyRockall · 14/11/2020 11:48

Well, my DP is a couple of inches shorter than me. I worried slightly about it during the first couple of dates but 15 years on i can assure you i don't notice it (except for getting stuff from the top shelves!). Its unimportant. What is important is that we make each other happy. Also, I don't give a shiny shite if randoms think we "don't look right". Smile

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 14/11/2020 11:50

It's a tough one. How much do you think you are genuinely not attracted to him and how much is about how you appear to others? If you don't fancy him, then you don't and the relationship isn't worth pursuing. But if you do fancy him and it's just outside influences then keep going because you shouldn't let other people's idle opinion affect your happiness.

FWIW I've dated men of different sizes. I had a boyfriend who was massively tall and well built, he was great to walk down a busy street with but I didn't get all that turned on by him in close contact, too tall to kiss comfortably, too big to wrap my arms/legs around him in bed. I much prefer my DH who is a couple of inches taller than me and skinnier.

There are lots of well-known couples who have a taller female partner and don't give a damn, like Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, you just need to ignore silent judgement and have a rude retort to spoken judgement eg "What the fuck does it have to do with you?"

Infinitethings · 14/11/2020 11:52

Well it depends how much it bothers you and if you can get past it. Would people look twice if they saw you together?

LadyWithLapdog · 14/11/2020 11:52

What a pity but if you’re not attracted to him now I don’t think it’ll happen later. BTW you’re not old at 34.

Amber0685 · 14/11/2020 11:52

What @FastnetLundyRockall said.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 14/11/2020 11:56

There’s nothing wrong with having a shorter/smaller boyfriend, plenty of people do!

However it’s about how you feel about it and if you don’t find him attractive because of it then it’s fine for you to end things.

I’m only small myself but I tend not to be attracted to a man who isn’t at least half a foot taller than me and weighs more. I love the feeling of a man having to bend down to kiss me.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 14/11/2020 11:58

I think that you can surprise yourself with what makes you happy when you ignore the comments or looks from total fandoms.
The bloke sounds like a good one and as you yourself noted, there aren't too many of those floating round. And single.

If you find yourself turned off by his physique then that's one thing. But I don't think you've said that in your post. Shorter men can sometimes get a raw deal in the dating stakes and I think unless you try you won't know if you're walking away from something amazing.

Plus, you're pretty much the same height when lying in bed Halloween Wink

CrazyToast · 14/11/2020 12:01

The question is if you are attracted to him. If you arent, you can't force it and shouldn't continue. If you are, then go for it.

Infinitethings · 14/11/2020 12:01

The size difference would personally bother me I think.

On the other hand I did have a long relationship with someone who was older than me and very unusual looking (being kind) and it didn’t particularly bother me although people did look twice and occasionally make comments like, what are you doing with him?

Branleuse · 14/11/2020 12:02

I think these things become less important once you get to know someone. It might be worth unpicking what makes it such a big deal.
I must say height doesnt particularly bother me. Ive dated tall men and men around the same height as me and it has very little bearing to how mascuine or manly someone is if thats the issue.
of course if you find it particularly unattractive then theres not much you can do about that, but its a shame if hes otherwise a good bloke

Original poster
yellowhighheels · 14/11/2020 12:03

motherofdragons he's not exactly slimmer but he is narrower and smaller boned. Oh, I'm sure people aren't thinking that and if they are sod 'em!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 14/11/2020 12:06

do you not know any other couples with short men? I know quite a few

Crystal87 · 14/11/2020 12:06

Have you posted about this before? I replied on a thread similar to this one the other week. I wouldn't let his height put you off if you like him but if you aren't sure about him and it is an issue, then I'd end it. You don't have to settle for a guy you're less than 100% on because you've had bad experiences with other men. There's other men out there who you might be better suited to.

satchat · 14/11/2020 12:07

If you are not attracted to him after 5 dates do you think there will ever be any chemistry?

We are all attracted to different physical attributes. Some people don't mind if their partner is shorter than them. Some do. You have to be attracted to a potential partner as well as getting on with them. Otherwise it's like going out with a friend.

I personally couldn't date a short man because no matter how much I liked them as a person I wouldn't be physically attracted to them.

SweetMilkyFilth · 14/11/2020 12:08

@FastnetLundyRockall

Well, my DP is a couple of inches shorter than me. I worried slightly about it during the first couple of dates but 15 years on i can assure you i don't notice it (except for getting stuff from the top shelves!). Its unimportant. What is important is that we make each other happy. Also, I don't give a shiny shite if randoms think we "don't look right". Smile
Yes, this!

I used to worry that I was too tall/large and for a while it did really affect my confidence but I got over it and my partner makes me feel so beautiful and loved and I'm so glad I said fuck it and took the chance.

Oreservoir · 14/11/2020 12:11

Ronnie Corbett’s wife was taller and stockier than him. They had an amazingly long and seemingly happy marriage.
It only matters if it bothers you or your partner.

Original poster
yellowhighheels · 14/11/2020 12:14

Thank you so much for your replies.

Tbh I'm not turned off by his physique itself, he's a quite a nice looking bloke and at the moment the bit of extra weight makes it less noticable. it really is the comparison in build between him and me that makes me feel so awkward.

To be honest, I think its about how I feel rather than really others, that said, I can't honestly say I wouldn't feel a bit conscious about that. I think mainly because I got so much shit when younger about my build.

obv I don't know for sure as I will never be tall and willowy haha but if I was tall with a smaller frame, that would be fine, I think. It's more that I feel and look so broad next to him. An ex who I really loved was only 2 or 3 inches taller so not a very tall guy, but he was very well built and stocky too, I felt fine with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowhighheels · 14/11/2020 12:15

Hi Crystal87 no, that wasn't me before.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/11/2020 12:17

It sounds like you’re not sexually attracted and are trying to talk yourself into becoming attracted.

Dozer · 14/11/2020 12:19

Sometimes sexual attraction can grow, eg after kissing or upon finding out someone is great in bed!

But more often (IMO) if it’s not there for early on, when what you want is a sexual, romantic relationship, you’re just wasting time.

rorosemary · 14/11/2020 12:19

Not sure I'm the right person to comment since I fancy the pants of off Peter Dinklage but how not attracted are you? Could you vision yourself having sex with him? I'm wondering if you're letting a good thing go that you might get used to. On the other hand, if there's no attraction then there's no point in persuing this any further.

OptimisticSix · 14/11/2020 12:20

I think meet him and see how you feel then although I totally understand. I am short but have had two very thin partners in the past and have been wider than them. I didn't like it. It wasn't a massive deal and Im not sure they noticed - one even suggested I borrow his jeans one night as we had been out for a walk in the rain, he seemed to have no idea that they would never fir. That said I noticed and it made me notice my weight more.

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