Met a nice man who is shorter and much physically slighter than me.

[yellowhighheels]

Hi all

I am not asking for a flaming here, I know it's a superficial thing. I'm more just asking what you would do.

I have been dating for 3 years since my last long term partner. There have been countless dates, several 'situationships' and short flings but not the right guy for a family and relationship which is what I want. In this time there have only been two men I seriously liked as a full package. One lived too far away and the other ghosted. I am 34 and starting to worry.

Very recently I had a couple of not very nice experiences where the men were extremely pushy for sex. I had to fight one of them off, physically.

Anyway, over the last few weeks, I have had about 5 lockdown dates (walks) and a lot of chat with a really nice man. He is very clever, funny, accomplished, kind and respectful as well as down to earth and open. He has expressed that he likes me a lot.

However, there is one thing that makes me feel awkward, self conscious and not as attracted to him as I would like to be. I am 5'6" and a size 12-14 so not enormous but definitely 'big boned' and stocky with broad shoulders and hips and very muscular thighs. I am losing weight and have dropped 2 or 3 dress sizes but I don't get smaller than a size 10-12 because of my frame.

The guy is shorter than me and is carrying a bit of weight (his own words) but has a rather slight frame. He compliments me a lot but asked my height so I know he is aware of how different we are.

Of course, I would never express my awkwardness to him but next to him I just feel huge and to be honest don't want to dwarf a man. I saw our reflection and it was noticable.

If I was just taller, it wouldn't be such an issue i don't think, its more my build.

I get that it is just a social or evolutionary norm, for men to ideally appear bigger and stronger and that there's nothing intrinsically better about it but to be honest it is a norm I have grown up with. I am also really conscious of my size as my family focussed a lot on my height build and weight as I grew up in a very negative way.

This guy is lovely. His personality is so refreshing. But I'm just not sure i am attracted because of this. What would you do?

TLDR: I have met a nice guy but feel huge next to him. WWYD?

My mum is 3/4 inches taller than my dad and (at a guess) 2/3 stone heavier than him. They have been happily married for over 50 years! I also weigh more than my husband (although he's taller than me) and we are very happy together. I'd try and get past this if everything else is good OP.

I'm a size 16 with a big bum though I'm not tall and I've slept with a couple of men who were short and very slight. I have to say I didn't like it. One of them was buff and slim but the same height as me, one was a bit taller but very skinny and with both of them I felt like a) I couldn't get on top as I would have felt ridiculous and b) they just weren't big enough to turn me on. The feeling was just wrong.
Have you kissed him yet? Maybe try that if the moment is right and see if the chemistry is there

I think if you are attracted to him (physically and emotionally) and actually it is just your hang up that's giving you doubts, then it would be a real shame not to persue it.

I'm sure when you are old and grey sat side by side in your nursing home, you won't be worrying about what a stranger thought of you in Tesco 40 years ago.

Good luck

Keep seeing him. Decent men are hard to find. I know a couple nearing 20 yrs happily married and she's almost 6ft, and another couple, met at school and she's very not so tall but big framed and loves her food. Her husband is a skinny little thing. What makes the difference for her, is they adore each other. Also, incidentally, initially she tried to push him away because she was very worried about her size. They've been together forever too. Like you said, you're looking for someone long term who is going to be in it forever and a keeper.

I am also really conscious of my size as my family focussed a lot on my height build and weight as I grew up in a very negative way.

It sounds as if this ^ is at the bottom of it, not your actual difference in build. What a good opportunity for you to work on overcoming this baggage from your childhood?

If you're worried about what other people think, get over yourself

If you don't fancy short slight men, date someone else

Are you attracted to him sexually? If being with him makes you feel negative about yourself then surely a sexual relationship is off the cards?

It's absolutely not his fault obviously, nor is it yours. Attraction isn't something you can do much about, and no matter whether he's objectively good looking or not, what actually matters for a sexual relationship is whether you feel like having sex with him!

If he completely unintentionally makes you feel physically awkward and unattractive, and you're not attracted to him, its not going to work however much you want it to!

Well if he seems nice and you like him ,then I wouldnt worry what others think TBH(I usually couldnt care less what anyone thinks of me!) However if you are not attracted to him physically ,then the RL may run into trouble later on .Are you really as big boned as you think though? TBH if he is nice and you like him that is a start ! Sometimes people grow on us slowly and maybe this isnt such a bad thing .I would go out a few more times, and try to forget your height!(Sitting down not a problem anyway)!If after that you dont feel attracted then you can step away .But I would give it a good chance! Been married for years ,but my DD can sympathise with some of your recent dating experiences!

My last boyfriend was thebsame heightbas me and a similar build. The guy I'm seeing now is the same height as me and much slighter in build. I'm similar to you - 5'3 and a size 12 but I don't get smaller than a 10 during to my build. I look weird at an 8.

I'm conscious of it but not because of what others think more because I worry that he will think I'm too fat for him and will want someone tiny and petite.

I wouldnt give a shit what strangers thought, tbh. None of my friends commented with my last bf. I quite like dating shorter men. I like being on a similar level to them!

What is really the problem? Are you scared about what other people say?
My dh is 6”7 and slim and I’m 5”2 and fat. It doesn’t bother us!

It doesn't bother these two! If you fancy him, go for it.

If you don’t fancy him you don’t fancy him. There are no rules. You can’t force yourself to fancy someone because you like them as a person.

Personally I am unattracted to men who are physically smaller than me. And I’ve met some lovely blokes through work who are small , but i could not ever imagine myself being attracted to them , for me I like a guy to be tall and well built. The rugby player look, and there is no rhyme or reason to it.

For me you either fancy someone or you don’t.

I kind of know what you mean. My first BF as a teen was a similar height to me (5'4") so on the shorter side for a guy. But I didn't care because he was a great guy.
But if he is lovely and you are attracted to him then screw everyone else's opinions.

To be honest I share the same usual taste as Bluntness, a big, tall bloke and in fairness I'm well built too so it's a case of feeling like a match. It's just that I'm not getting any younger and haven't met anyone I've got on with as well as this guy in a while hence wondering whether I should continue with him.

In terms of can I see myself sleeping with him... well... I'm not adverse to the idea but I haven't really spent any time wondering about him sexually.

I think a PP has a point about the self consciousness stemming from my family.

I understand how you feel. I’m 5’7 and my last partner was 5’8 and had a smaller frame then me. I was always aware that he wasn’t taller and we were pretty much the same height. It shouldn’t have bothered me as I loved him but it did. I’m the type of girl that loves wearing heels and I knew he would have hated it.

That being said he was a complete sweetheart and the guy I saw after him was 6’3 and a total idiot. If you like the guy go for it.

I think that by having to ask the question that he's not the one. If you were really into him you wouldn't notice these superficial things.

My hubby was shorter than me and at my heaviest about half my weight but I never gave either of these things a thought.

Been there and done it, really put me off and would never go near a skinny or short man again

My husband is short. He is the most brilliant amazing perfect guy in the world. I remember thinking when I first met him about all this. Then I got to know him better. Now I feel incredibly smug!

It’s so sad to read some of the comments on this thread - I have a short son and the way people would write him off is a bit grim. Compare “I could never date a white/black man” or “I could never date someone in a wheelchair”. Get to know people, give them a chance. Sometimes the butterflies grow!!

At the end of the day if you don't find him physically attractive it's not going to work out, which is a shame because he sounds great!

I wouldn't worry about dating a shorter man, or what anyone thought about that. But... we've all had to pass up great guys because we just didn't fancy them. Looking back, I regret doing it in some cases, because we could have had a great life if the attraction was there. But it wasn't.

@Lindtnotlint

There was a thread from a bloke worried about his short son not being datable as he gets older.

The responses were almost unanimously 'Oh, he'll be fine. But I would never date a guy that height, no'.

Is there any possibility that you’d regret ending things with him? He seems different and therefore special. If many of your insecurities stem from your childhood then this could be worked through don’t you think?
However, attraction is important. You can’t force it and should let him go if it really isn’t there, but i suspect that you are attracted to him in many ways?

3 of the most cracking school mums - leggy blond types- have considerably shorter partners. i think it looks great but then my mum was taller than my dad and he especially loved going out with her when she was wearing heels...

i do sympathise though, when i was younger i turned down a short guy because im really short...i still wonder occasionally...

the important thing is what you (and he) think/feel- nobody else.

I would actually shag him first (only if you actually wanted to of course) before making a decision. He may be absolutely amazing in bed

Seriously though, this strategy may actually be useful. If the idea doesn't appeal to you, it's not worth taking it further and you know now. But if he is a good and kind person who you are compatible with and you are attracted to him enough to sleep with him, and he is dynamite in bed I'm sure the height/build worries would disappear.

My DH is a foot and four inches taller than me. I do catch sight of us in shop windows and think we look ridiculous walking together, especially as I am small in build It does cause issues in practical terms - when we had our wedding photos we took them on the steps outside and we have learnt we have to buy full length mirrors if we both want to use it to look at our faces Buying cars we can both use comfortably is...difficult.

Interestingly we met when we were sitting down so we didn't know how tall we each were. If we hadn't got on so well that first time we met I probably would have discounted him because of the height issues, which makes me think how much I would have lost out on.

I would definitely think how you feel about shagging him and take it from there.

@Helmetbymidnight that was an unfortunate cross post, now you'll be thinking of The One That Got Away - apologies

nah there are loads who got away, i dont dwell on one in particular - plus the one in the kitchen (slightly below average height) is not bad.