Met a nice man who is shorter and much physically slighter than me.

[yellowhighheels]

Hi all

I am not asking for a flaming here, I know it's a superficial thing. I'm more just asking what you would do.

I have been dating for 3 years since my last long term partner. There have been countless dates, several 'situationships' and short flings but not the right guy for a family and relationship which is what I want. In this time there have only been two men I seriously liked as a full package. One lived too far away and the other ghosted. I am 34 and starting to worry.

Very recently I had a couple of not very nice experiences where the men were extremely pushy for sex. I had to fight one of them off, physically.

Anyway, over the last few weeks, I have had about 5 lockdown dates (walks) and a lot of chat with a really nice man. He is very clever, funny, accomplished, kind and respectful as well as down to earth and open. He has expressed that he likes me a lot.

However, there is one thing that makes me feel awkward, self conscious and not as attracted to him as I would like to be. I am 5'6" and a size 12-14 so not enormous but definitely 'big boned' and stocky with broad shoulders and hips and very muscular thighs. I am losing weight and have dropped 2 or 3 dress sizes but I don't get smaller than a size 10-12 because of my frame.

The guy is shorter than me and is carrying a bit of weight (his own words) but has a rather slight frame. He compliments me a lot but asked my height so I know he is aware of how different we are.

Of course, I would never express my awkwardness to him but next to him I just feel huge and to be honest don't want to dwarf a man. I saw our reflection and it was noticable.

If I was just taller, it wouldn't be such an issue i don't think, its more my build.

I get that it is just a social or evolutionary norm, for men to ideally appear bigger and stronger and that there's nothing intrinsically better about it but to be honest it is a norm I have grown up with. I am also really conscious of my size as my family focussed a lot on my height build and weight as I grew up in a very negative way.

This guy is lovely. His personality is so refreshing. But I'm just not sure i am attracted because of this. What would you do?

TLDR: I have met a nice guy but feel huge next to him. WWYD?

My husband is 4 inches shorter than me. I'm 5ft 7 large boned, curvy and a size 16. He's fine with my size as he's a breasts man and he loves that they're at eye height.

He's quite manly and muscly so ticks the boxes for me. Just in a smaller package.

Don't have any problem with sex positions, think 4 inches height diference is smaller than a lot of short women/tall men.

Before I met DH I dated a 6 ft 6 rugby build guy for a year and that had way more constraints tbh.

Once you're with someone, you get used to their size and don't think about it day to day (unless people point it out rudely, not quite sure what they think they're achieving, not like he's sudenly going to grow a foot overnight because they pointed it out).

It is also convenient when we're on a holiday plane or staying somewhere with a smaller double bed and he doesn't take up too much space

Like PP I think someone like Peter Dinklage is v hot and I would be happy to find out how we'd fit together .

OP I feel sad for you that your family were critical of you. Hope you can learn to change your inner voice to a nicer one then get out there and have fun with whoever you fancy.

I always went for tall men until I met my fiance who is the same height as me. Now, I would never ever go back. We just "fit" together so well, there is room In the bed for both of us, and kissing is perfect without neck strain. BUT I fancied him at first sight. If you don't fancy him to the point you haven't thought about sex with him, I don't think it's a positive sign.

Oh gosh tough one. If you aren't attracted to someone, that's fine.

On the other hand, sometimes (usually) attraction grows over time. Could you be writing him off to early?

Also, when it comes to how you look together - he doesn't sound that small and you don't sound that big. He's "a bit shorter" and overweight, while you are a size 12-14? Sounds like two average sized people to me.

@yellowhighheels yes that is why I said if he was a great guy the height/weight difference wouldn't matter

I think like has been said if you haven't got the attraction then that's a hurdle hard to come over. However this seems a perception thing.

You get on well. If you have sex and enjoy it is there anything to worry about?

Speaking as a slim bloke on the shorter side (I'm about, 5 4), I've heard these comments before. Especially about being the larger person in the relationship and not being used to it. You quickly find its not that big a thing. Admittedly you'll get the odd look / double take but honestly its not that big a deal.

He sounds an absolute diamond. Date him!

I think you need to reframe this in your mind because it boils down to stereotyping which need a shake up

Google will show you lots of celebs. Tall females, short blokes. Own it and work it.

This worry is probably an extension of your body issues

As I am a 6ft tall curvy woman I have never felt 'dainty/petite'.. I've grown up as a big girl and never dated anyone who made me feel 'dainty'.(love standing close/being cuddled by my 6ft 8' brother tho!!) .If you've had that feeling and enjoyed it I think that dating a shorter/slighter man could be an issue.. but only if you can't get over the feeling..
My DH of 30yrs is 5ft 3'..and is proud of being with me...
but I do remember walking into a pub once and heard some nasty comments aimed at me? Us?..Then I remembered that I was having this lovely mans baby..I held my head high, gave him a big kiss and promptly never gave them another thought..I really don't care a fig what anyone thinks about our relationship..honestly

It is also convenient when we're on a holiday plane or staying somewhere with a smaller double bed and he doesn't take up too much space

Oh god yes. It's so much easier sharing space with someone who occupies less of it.

Honestly though ,a lot of the time you are sitting down anyway! Pubs ,meals out ,and so on .Why would it matter? Also when out ,really how sad would some people be to notice/care . I think a 12/14 dress size is on the slimmer side anyway.If he is accomplished and funny ,kind and respectful he sounds amazing! One thing as well is tall "6 foot 2 Eyes of Blue" types of guys can often(not always) be conceited ,as they know they are the kind of guys many girls go for! As PP said when safe to do so under Covid ,Have a "Trial Run" in the Sack with him. He may be a shit hot lover!

@Marylou62

As I am a 6ft tall curvy woman I have never felt 'dainty/petite'.. I've grown up as a big girl and never dated anyone who made me feel 'dainty'.(love standing close/being cuddled by my 6ft 8' brother tho!!) .If you've had that feeling and enjoyed it I think that dating a shorter/slighter man could be an issue.. but only if you can't get over the feeling.. My DH of 30yrs is 5ft 3'..and is proud of being with me... but I do remember walking into a pub once and heard some nasty comments aimed at me? Us?..Then I remembered that I was having this lovely mans baby..I held my head high, gave him a big kiss and promptly never gave them another thought..I really don't care a fig what anyone thinks about our relationship..honestly

This I recall noticing a couple at a parade a year or 2 ago: my first thought was a bit 'woah' about the height difference, my 2nd thought was 'wow they really must be a complete love match' and 3rd thought was that I was a bit jealous of people so confident in themselves, not giving a fig about convention and clearly darned happy and that maybe I'd been a bit of a shallow annie and overlooked some top men.

Go for it. You like him, you appear to be attracted to him. Who cares what other people think - and they are may well be thinking what a lovely couple anyway.

@Conniebluesky exactly people care too much about what others think x

It's a good point that couples who look "mis matched" (for want of a better word, and I realise that is just confirmation to societal norms) must find something in each other to "override" that.

We all have preferences and I think people can be a bit disingenuous when they say they haven't I like tall men anyway (well to be fair I've never met a man shorter than me anyway ) and I know my DH finds tall women attractive and really likes long legs, especially as he is so tall himself. He also likes older women and I'm quite a bit younger and we are also from different backgrounds. And yet there is something that we see in each other that is enough to render all that unimportant and still be attracted to each other. (And we have been together a couple of decades so it's lasted).

Thinking about it a bit more OP, especially after the last couple of comments, I agree this may be an issue you are perceiving as more important than it is, because of your own self esteem (I don't mean that in an unkind way btw). If you do sleep together and decide the relationship is a go-er, it actually may be really beneficial to your self esteem. I also have physical disability now and it took me a long time to adjust, I didn't believe DH could ever find me attractive with that (on top of the fucking shortness!) But knowing that he does still love me helps my self esteem and has actually been so beneficial in helping me to live with it.

I know that is a slightly different situation to you, but I also agree with PP that you may be worried about your situation than you need to, due to your self esteem? If the relationship develops and is good and you feel desired and loved (sorry; I'm vomiting a bit there myself) you might find that your self esteem would be boosted and the "difference" would become much less important anyway?

Maybe I'm just an eternal optimist

You have to go with your gut. I dated a guy shorter than me and it was an issue for me, i felt embarrassed when out in public and felt people were looking ( i know they weren't) but it's was something i couldn't get past.

I had a long relationship with a short man.
He was my height / build and he hated being short.
He was controlling about my diet & exercise because he wanted me to be petit (I'm average weight/height) next to him.

I didn't have a problem with his height/weight but he did so it didn't work.

I'm now with a guy who's slightly overweight and very tall, I love feeling petit and now get what all the fuss is about and why women want tall guys.

maybe I'd been a bit of a shallow annie and overlooked some top men.

I wonder if part of the reason my DP was single in his early 50s was because he'd been overlooked as he's very slim and relatively short. It's a win for me though because, he's kind, funny, generous, and intelligent, amongst many other good things.

12:57eightxmaspaws... Thank you so much for that... Although I have been badly bullied because of my height (6ft at 12yrs) I am happy about myself.. And obviously my DH has not got any hangups about his own height...
I often say where does it say that a man has to be taller than a woman.
And our 3 adult children have never said that any of their friends have pointed it out or that they are embarrassed...

I really don't get this obsession with heights these days . Surely, if you get on and you are attracted to each other that's more important?

In my opinion it's a bit weird. It's fine if your bigger and he's taller, but looks strange when he's short and slighter.

You have to decide for yourself.
My DH is smaller framed than me but I only think about it now and again, we have now been together 10 years.

I have size 8 feet he is a size 6 so I can't just slip his shoes on to pop to the car.
My wedding ring was bigger than his.
If I wear his hoodies he moans that my boobs stretch it. I can't think of any other issues.

I always thought I would be with a tall broad guy but I am very happy with the one I have got.

My other half is the same height as me. He's very slim, but muscular.

I'm a muscular 10-12 (on a good day) but huge thighs and wide shoulders. Could do with losing at least a stone. (Currently pregnant and definitely feeling very huge).

He's very manly. Does a very manly job. I find him very attractive. We were friends a long time before we got together. I thought height would of put me off someone. But he's the right person for me so height is irrelevant.

If you were stuck on an island with him, where no one else would bother you, would you be happy to be with him?
Question is, is this about worrying what others think and societal opinions..if it is, try and get past it, because no one is really bothered, you just think they are!

It's fine if your bigger and he's taller, but looks strange when he's short and slighter.

So what though? My DP and I are ideally suited in many ways. And I'm much, much happier with him than I've ever been before. Do I turn all that down because someone else might think we look odd? No, of course not. I spent my entire childhood being horribly bullied for being different, mainly because I have red hair. All this proved to me is that people can be incredibly small minded and that their good opinion isn't often worth having.

My one I fell in love with but didn't end up with (he didn't get away I did) was smaller than me, shorter than me but we had a meeting of minds.

Never connected with anyone like I did. Before or since.

I still get sad about him. I still wonder.

He never wanted marriage or kids. I did. He's still not married. I'm married with kids.

I'd never swap. My DD is worth my life. I know I made the right choice but I miss him. Still. After ten years I still think about him daily.