Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

I've deliberately not been specific and won't do so now, but have private messaged you the location, because it's such a small community, but it's along those lines of being extremely remote with basically nothing there.

I would be surprised if he does resign and fly back. Maybe believe that when he has done it.

I am sorry for everything you have been through and I think you sound a kind and forgiving person, seeing the best in him, even now. But the things he is saying, about sabotaging himself and how upset he is, well, that is all about him. If he is having some big self-enlightenment, great, but basically he screwed you over big time and the only thing he needs to say is that he is sorry. He is emotionally involving you in his drama and that is not really fair.

Every hard done to man has a story about how it was difficult to see his child to explain long gaps in contact. But there are court procedures to ensure contact and this is not so difficult to win. The courts want both parents to have contact. I would be taking quite a bit of what he says with a pinch of salt there.

Look after yourself

You sound incredible in so many ways

Never let this man back
How dare he do this to a king decent person going through hell already
How DARE he 😡😡

I don't really care what he does now, but I've stopped believing anything he says now. Just words.

I've not felt too well. Having real trouble eating / sleeping and I'm quite anxious.

He told OW that he couldn't have any contact at all with her anymore, that he wanted to do anything he could for any hope of reconciliation with me and that kicked her off and she was harrassing me a lot last night. Quite nasty, obvs trying to trigger me. I've had to block her on everything. It made me really nervous though.

I just want to feel okay so I can be there for my son and so we can get back on our feet. We've both been through so much and we don't need this.

I've got counselling today. Hoping that helps me shake of the feeling of trauma. I don't mind being sad, but right now I feel like I'm not even in my own body.

I lost my shoes yesterday. Took them off walking and didn't even notice. I think I thought I was home :( it's really weird. My brain is all confused

Yes, block the both of them and concentrate on yourself. You sound in a vulnerable position and it is good that you are speaking to a counsellor today. Please, please try and put whatever he said or who said what to who when out of your head and concentrate in on self-care. Trauma causes dissociation, so you need to take practical steps to ground yourself. List the things in the room around you when you feel your brain going out of control. When you are walking, pay attention to your surroundings, not the whirring thoughts in your mind, what do the leaves look like, what about all the different gardens? Make sure for your safety you only go out walking during daylight hours and fully dressed. Try a meditation app to calm down and camomile tea. Remember there is life beyond this and you will get there. Speak to your GP if you feel it will help.

That is my unsolicited advice. But most of all, block both of them and recognise you need to heal

Hi OP

I keep wondering how you and your son are doing after this shock. He sounds like a strong young man you have raised and real gentlemen.

Obviously no obligation to respond, just thinking of you both x

Thanks so much for checking in on us. We are doing pretty well. I had quite bad anxiety for a few days but I got a grip on it thankfully. Everyone was a huge help with this, thank you

Ah that's wonderful you two are holding each other through this.

As for "getting a grip", no! You are entitled to feel anxiety, anger, grief, sadness. You have had the year from hell. Please be kind to yourselfs x

OP... sending sympathies... myself and my DH work overseas.. so I understand the contract limitations on his movements due to C19 and geographical locations...

Please take care of yourself and your Son... cut off the OW and cut off Him....

everything on your own terms no my lovely 🌺

Sending you all the best wishes xx

You’re right to block , block them both . Sounds like they are a perfect pair , he happily cheated on you , and she happily cheated with him despite knowing about you.I’d believe her when she said she didn’t know about you at first . If he’d been honest that you were in a relationship , there would’ve been no reason to hide your photos . He really is all shades of despicable doing that whilst knowing how sick you were and how worried you were about your son .
Your son sounds really and truly amazing , what a kind thoughtful boy to be worried about you and send you texts telling you he loved you . You’ve obviously done a kick ass job of raising such a lovely boy .
This arse of a man has no place in the lives of you or your son , kudos to you for recognising that .
Hope your sons treatment goes well and he’s very soon back to full health

How are you OP 🌺

Thanks so much everyone. My (ex) partner did actually resign his post, so he arrives back in a week. He won't be living with me, we are not together, but he made the decision regardless to show he will do anything / everything to show I am the most important thing to him and he bitterly regrets ever having taken the job in the first place.

I honestly don't know what I will do, but I am not completely closed to reconciliation on the basis of the level of remorse and action he has shown towards me (I won't bore you with a list but he has done numerous things to show his intentions are serious and his remorse is considerable).

My counsellor advised me to take my time to make my decision until I have seen him and we have talked in person which seems to make sense. It's very sudden and such a shock and it's all been done by phone and Facetime and still feels completely surreal and on top of all my other considerable life stress I seem to flip flop quite a lot. I think my head is screwed on pretty well though, and I will give myself time to assess and work through what's best once the sheer shock factor has worn off.

Anxiety, anger, grief, sadness - yes - all of the above - often within the space of an hour. It didn't help that the OW continued to harass me (to the point of calling me from a hidden number every three minutes!) but thankfully my (ex) partner had brought in for a formal meeting at work to explain she can no longer contact me or him. Thankfully she has stopped since then. It was really stressful to be packing myself every time my phone rang and she was doing it with my child with me which was incredibly upsetting.

As for how I am coping generally - I think okay. I am a very strong and positive person so I am trying to focus on the bright side and continue to be really happy we have our health. I can't say how much I appreciate everyone's kindness and support through this situation. My friends and family have been just amazing, and my son's had me laughing despite myself.

I think always in the long term with these things, they end up working out for the best. At least in my experience. So I hope that's how it works out. I will admit though, sometimes the hurt and rage are so enormous I end up having to get up at 3am and go for a run. I still can't get over what he did, and although after lots more questioning it seems to be not quite as bad as my original post I am still gutted, fuming and will probably be for a long time.

Thanks again x

as long as you're able to think clearly and without them both calling and interfering with your thought process...

take you time OP

Sending you big hugs (and to your son as well). First of all I want to say what a woman you are! Having covid and pushing through it all whilst
being scared for your sons life. You are remarkable.

Block this OW and take a breath. Your husband is a POS. You say you feel cold towards him? Good tell him he can deal with the stalker whilst you get your ducks in a row.

Yes he has cheated and this is unforgivable. BUT he has plenty of money and you are hard up at the moment. Use him until you get back on your feet. Take what you can. Get yourself back up there. Then F him off HARD. Use him. He has hurt you in the most awful way. So now, do the same. Get him where it hurts him - money.

Do what you need to do to survive at the moment.

I think you need to calm down a bit and consider whether you're throwing an otherwise good relationship away in a fit of hurt and temper. This was a fairly new relationship when your 'partner' - did he really qualify as a partner after 18 months or so? - went away, and you've been separated for half the time you've been together. It's not that surprising that he'd stray and he does seem to be regretting it. The advice you'll get here is from women bringing their own baggage and hurt feelings; it's not unbiased and it's not about what best for you. I'd be inclined to draw a line under this - what happens on tour stays on tour and it's been a traumatic year all round - and see how things work out when he's home. If nothing else, he's given himself a fright by ending up with a bunny boiler!

Let me just say that he isn't coming home for you :( he is going home because he's being harassed by a crazy woman.

He's found it all a bit too much, you said plenty of times how you weren't going to take him back but yet now your suddenly open to it.
Your opening yourself up to more pain. This guy can't commit to you. Trust me when you love someone sooo much you don't cheat on them.

The fact he thinks he has a chance with you still after what he's done just shows what he thinks of you, your easy and a doormat in his eyes. He will come with his tail between his legs like every other cheater talking about how it was a mistake and it meant nothing and now he realises what he's lost blah blah blah.

He left you a year ago, he didn't want to be close to you, he preferred to be on some remote island than be anywhere near you. Not because of you but because he was selfish and only thought of his own needs.

I wouldn't get anywhere near him. Please don't be sucked in by his BS. If she hadn't let you know he would still be shagging her day and night.

I agree with @katy1213 - lots of people project their own feelings/past relationships onto these threads and respond from that perspective, making authoritative sounding statements about complete stranger’s motives and feelings that they can’t possibly know. See the couple of posts above.

Maybe permanent separation is the right thing for you, maybe he’s an arsehole who will cheat again, maybe he’s lying about being sorry, or maybe he’s a normally decent guy who made a mistake because he was anxious and lonely and lost control of the situation and is genuinely remorseful. We don’t know. But I think you need to trust your gut and not be swayed by the more extreme posts on here.

Good luck.

Resigned or been sacked?

If a friend was telling you this story what would be your advice ? He’s treated you and your son absolutely disgustingly. You are suppose to be in the highs of dating and he’s cheating on you when he should be there to support you throughout all that illness and stress you have been through . Dump him , you and your son deserve better ! I hope 2021 is a better year for you, you’ve been through enough 💐

Personally I’d ignore everything Katy123 said. You don’t need to ‘calm down’ because the level of upset you are experiencing is perfectly normal and justified in the circumstances.

I’d urge you to forget all the pretty words and sobbed apologies he’s given you. He cheated on you - a drunken mistake maybe the first time. But then he put your photos away and carried on again and again until the poor woman he was sleeping with wanted some sort of emotional commitment from him and then suddenly it was too much for him and he starts rejecting her. He had absolutely no intention of telling you, only her phone call alerted you.

My friend’s marriage has recently broken down. Her husband cheated on her, about 8yrs ago. She forgave him. They went on to have children. Then recently he announced that he wanted a divorce, he was seeing someone else and that was that. She’s left devastated and feeling an utter fool that she ever believed he would change. So yes, that’s the opinion I bring to the thread. It hasn’t happened to me personally but I’ve watched the impact of a cheater on a friend and it has been horrendous.

Please don’t tie your life and that of your son to this man. As Maya Angelou says ‘when someone shows you who they are, listen the first time’.

Glad you are managing to put one foot in front of the other, OP, even if it is at 3am!

You sound clear and strong and you have excellent support in being able to talk things through with your therapist so you are in a good position to make your own decision in your own time.

I send you ongoing after a truly shit year, and wish you and your Ds love, luck, health and strength.

Im so sorry OP. What a terrible shock.

The main thing to take from all of this is that this man is not good enough & not loyal enough. I think there is someone much better out there for you. It's quite a betrayal. Not just the affair, but the lies, too.