Woman just called to say she's sleeping with my partner

[ohmanseriously]

Hello

I'm 38 with a teenage son (pride and joy) and my own business which I love. I have a lovely partner, who was on a temporary work post overseas when Covid struck and to cut a long story short he has been quarantined, so we have been unable to see each other for 14 months.

He was due to move back home permanently in the summer and he took the job because it was huge money and we are saving to buy our home together but we speak every day, usually for hours so the relationship was going very good.

Then I got covid in March and was seriously ill, hospitalised with pneumonia and then had 4 months at home in bed recuperating which was a very long road and a lot of days and nights of not being able to breathe very well. My partner was really supportive throughout.

I started to get back on my feet by the end of July, then a few weeks later we found out my son has a tumour. We had to go through a long period of tests and thank God, it is benign, but it was about 6 weeks of the most unimaginable stress and he also needs quite significant surgery still.

In the background of all that stress, as well as the general stress of covid and being locked up without my partner here, my business, which is in the hospitality sector has collapsed because events are banned for so long and because I am a small company director I was one of those excluded from financial assistance.

My savings are exhausted but I wasn't worried because my partner has plenty.

So it's been stressful to say the least.

Then tonight a woman called me and told me her friend has been having an affair for months with my partner. I was so shocked you could have blown me over with a feather.

She was tearful and seemed drunk but cryptic and said it had been going on for ages. I asked how she got my number and she wouldn't answer.

I called my partner, and he admitted he slept with someone else a couple of times and now she is stalking him. While I was on the phone she was trying to smash down his door and in the end he called the police.

Then the woman who called me started texting me and calling more and was quite incoherent. She then added me on Facebook. I accepted and there's pictures of her with my partner that makes clear they have been spending time together for a few months.

So it's her he has been seeing. She is about 20 years older than me.

I didn't anything unusual, my partner has always been lovely, but he was withdrawn for a couple of months so probably feeling guilty?!

Partner says he loves me and she was a huge mistake.

I know it's over, my I am finding it hard to process that this man who is meant to love me was shagging someone else while I was laying here nearly dying and being frightened to my bones for my son.

Can anyone chat to me so I don't feel so alone. This woman keeps calling me ranting and I am not sure what to do.

Thanks

OP, while I understand you don’t want him back (I wouldn’t either) I would be careful re what you take on board in terms of posts on here. Because posters will always try to convince you that he clearly didn’t want to be with you/had commitment issues, and the poster above mine has just said he’s a crap father, I’m not entirely sure why given the child is almost an adult at this stage. Plenty of people work away from their kids and nobody questions what kind of parent they are.

What I would say though is that a long distance relationship where you haven’t previously lived together is very different to an actual relationship. It doesn’t matter how much you speak or what you talk about, the reality is that you’re not together, and you are living separate, and very different lives. Sadly it’s inevitable that a long-term long-distance relationship has very little chance of lasting, purely because you no longer have the memory of that which you had together and so it’s very easy to be drawn to the life you are now living, iyswim.

And it’s not really the same as those relationships where people are in the forces etc and know when they’re coming home. We’re in a pandemic, and realistically there is no way knowing when or even if you are going to see each other again.

I would end the relationship now purely because the logistics of it mean that it can’t possibly work right now and there is no way of knowing when or if that is going to change.

When he comes back and the dust has settled you can both look at what you have and what you want in the clear light of day.

But try not to question everything from a distance...

It was sadly probably easier for him to be on an island with nobody than be in a normal every day relationship with someone he loved. I feel like that's less stressful for him in a weird way

Some people just aren't cut out to be in a functional relationship. I doubt he ever will be.

I can see how he's ended up in a fling with the bunny boiler. Like attracts like. They're both dysfunctional adults when it comes to interpersonal relationships and inner issues. He knew on some level he didn't deserve you.

@ohmanseriously

Commitment issues are all entirely subconscious though, so I'd believe him if he's saying he's devastated and doesn't understand how it happened, in his mind it'd be that all he truly wanted was a future with you.
I got married at 17 too to get away from my mother! And I told my first DH that physical infidelity was a red line for me and that is exactly what he did, and I left after 10 years and kids together.
Never told really talked about "red lines" to DH2 mostly because I wasn't sure what they were any more, and while we had at times a volatile relationship and opportunities to cheat he never went there. I think a partner with issues will go press all your sore points when and if they need it, so it's better not to have any red lines (easier said than done)...at least not voiced out loud that's for sure... it's a bit like red lines become either this control thing or a self fulfilling prophecy. When I look at successful relationships around me I realise most are not about whether they are friends, share interests, same intellectually etc, more are about allowing each other be whatever they are, and then it just seems to form this yin yang kind of balance energetically. Which doesn't equal people never arguing or driving each other mad etc...

OP, don't underestimate the way you will have changed during all these months.

As you say, you dealt with the unthinkable with your son, and you did it alone, and you were alone for 5 months through all that.

Your own boundaries and thresholds will have changed. You know how strong you are and how precarious life can be. Some people who have come through a life-limiting illness situation become more chilled, because 'life's too short' but amongst those I know, more become tough and brook far less shit because life is too precious to squander on time wasters and fakes.

Whatever your own response, you are not the same woman as you were when he went away. You demonstrated your strength to yourself and to your son. He exposed his weakness.

Thanks so much for saying all these things. I was crying reading them and felt better and helped

Reading your updates today, I feel very sad for you both. What a shame he didn't listen to you, read the book you gave him and consider therapy for his attachment issues. Instead he went somewhere incredibly remote, has not been able to see his daughter for months (missing her 18th birthday) and has now lost you as a result of his own poor decisions. I hope he learns from this.

You sound amazing, btw. After everything you've been through, you are processing this with such grace and wisdom. I can tell that you are absolutely going to be ok - more than ok.

@AnotherEmma Thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot. I feel every possible emotion right now ranging from rage to shock, but I think the overwhelming reaction is the same as yours, I feel sad for us both.

As @RainingBatsAndFrogs said, although the timing of this on top of all my other recent problems makes his betrayal worse, it actually makes it easier for me to handle emotionally. If this had happened before I had a life threatening illness and serious concerns my child may have one, I think I would have felt like this was the end of the world.

Now, I know it's not.

I was also thinking this afternoon that if life can change in an instant for the worst, it can also change in an instant for the better too.

I am sure when we have got through this period with my son's surgery and sorting my financial problems, as well as grieving for this relationship, I will eventually meet someone new and make new dreams with someone who makes better choices.

Everyone on Mumsnet has helped a lot with me getting out how I am feeling and all my various thoughts.

@ohmanseriously

I've thought about it a lot, and I don't think he cheated just because of sex. We were very intimate emotionally and all his needs on that front were met. I know going without physical affection, sex and company is hard but I don't believe that is enough to make him throw away a relationship he was 100% committed to.

I think that he wasn't ready to settle down, and I think that's why he took the job in the first place. At the time we discussed the job offer last summer, I remember having mixed feelings.

On the one hand he was telling me he wanted to spend his life with me, and it would be a good way for us to get money to buy our house and build his CV for future jobs.

On the other hand, I thought it was weird timing to meet someone, fall in love and just as it was getting serious, to make the decision to be separated for so long and to a place that was close to impossible for me to visit.

I mean, if he'd gone to New York or something he would be far away but at least ACCESSIBLE. This place is SO remote, it's four flights from London, costs £2000 to get there, and the transport systems there and back are so disjointed and irregular that you need a week to get there with various layovers and there's only one route a month. So if I ever needed him in an emergency (even without covid) it would potentially have taken weeks to get home anyway.

He reassured me he'd be home for a month every six months, but I remember asking him how he'd get home in an emergency and asking what would happen if one of us got sick or something big happened and then surprise, surprise everything went bonkers.

I'd felt a few times before he went away like he compartmentalised life too much in a commitment-phobic sort of way and it took him ages to open up and get settled so I remember feeling a bit like when he took the job part of it might be avoiding committing.

Those fears were allayed a lot in me because when he was away, he did just seem very committed. He did all the right things, heaps of attention, reliable as clockwork and met all my needs. He was happy to plan the future with me and move in when he got home. But I wonder now if TALKING about it from the other side of the world is different from actually doing it.

I think it was a way of sort of "getting out of it" and he'd never fully mentally committed. Not in the sense that he wanted anyone else (I really don't believe he did), but in the sense that going there meant he could have this relationship with me, but where it was only "face to face" for a month every six months.

I think that's probably why he chose a life path the way he did, and also probably why he didn't have my photos out. I think he sort of went there and created a separate life where he was a different person almost. Not to try and have sex with people (as it sounds like he was repeatedly rejecting that) but just so no one really got to know too much about the person he is back in the UK.

He's hated the job anyway. And he's missed his daughter and me and he was gutted about not being able to come home so it was all a mistake in the end. He should really have just left but he thought it would be humiliating in some ways. Especially to his parents who he is really dysfunctional with.

He texted me this morning that he should have celebrated being with me and I think he hit the nail on the head really. He has this thing where he tells himself he's just "private", but he has a habit of being secretive in general by not sharing his inner life and it's a weird psychological thing with vulnerability.

But I think, anyway, that he did this because he wasn't 100% committed and so maybe he didn't think he had as much to lose.
I think it's easy for him to say now how much he wants to marry me etc and how he'd leave tomorrow because he doesn't actually have to do it. I think if I said "ok" he'd probably panic because he's a person who chose not to be there and live everyday life with me, and who chose not to arrive there and tell everyone he had a partner back home.

All that is weird, and probably why he cheated. I never paid too much mind to his weirdness about privacy and compartmentalising but I think in the long run it shows a person might not be living fully honestly or might have some issues.

Why don't you call his bluff and say if he wants to fix it, he needs to come home, then?

I think that alone, would tell you everything you need to know about how committed he is deep down...

@ohmanseriously,

Yes, and in the sense of timing you could look at it as a blessing rather than time wasting disappointment, and makes it more understandable why he wouldn't own up to it while you were so ill or later when you had all the worries about your son, it's one thing to cheat on you, another to come clean about it when you were so vulnerable. And then too much time must have passed to the point it was too scary to admit he'd been lying for months.
So even if the idea he'd be talking to you lovingly having just dispatched the neighbour might seem revolting, in the end the news arrived at just the "right" time, when you already had perspective.
As for your son, depending on the size and origin of his tumour, if it's a fibroid type one I know of people who managed to avoid surgery by taking high doses of serrapeptase (building up to high doses! and strictly on an empty stomach)
Maybe completely unsuitable in your son's situation and no point consulting British doctors about it because it seems to be next to completely unknown here, but it's a well known supplement in the States, I buy it for my sinuses off Iherb. Thought I'd mention it just in case.

I will eventually meet someone new and make new dreams with someone who makes better choices.

Exactly this OP! The day I found out my ex-partner was leading a double life with another woman, it felt like the worst thing that could have happened (I had a child suffering from a life-threatening illness too). Now I celebrate that day as the best thing that could have happened and I'm so thankful that it did.

I'm now with a wonderful man, I wasn't looking for a relationship and a friend introduced us. Been together over 3 years and so looking forward to our future together. I dodged a bullet with my ex and I'm so lucky I found out what he was up to even though it hurt so much at the time.

Have you seen the film 'Sliding Doors'?

Thank goodness that woman rang you. This is the start of something much better for you.

@Cassandrainthenight yes this is very true and the timing in a way was good. But he ran the risk of me being told a week earlier, or even worse if I had bad news about my son, when I was dealing with that.

He told me that for a few months she had been drunkenly trying to beat down his door, and that she had been threatening for a while to tell me, or to kill herself. I mean, he put me in such a bad situation.

We are going to meet the surgeon on 20th and he said he will discuss it with us. At the last appointment they said they needed to take it out because it had risks, but the surgery is complicated because it's grown into nerves. Still quite a lot of stress to deal with on that front.

Why don't you call his bluff and say if he wants to fix it, he needs to come home, then?

But what if he does.come.home?! OP doesn't want him!

You are doing brilliantly OP, you'll be absolutely fine after this, like you say you've dealt with worse.

@gotoutalive

I am so sorry that happened to you :( How bloody awful. But really glad you you met someone new and wonderful.

I might watch Sliding Doors again actually. Probably a good one for right now! My son says it must be like "the adjustment bureau" (not sure if you've seen it. But you should watch it if not. Its a bit similar in theme to sliding doors in a sense, but more actiony.

Ha ha, no I won't tell him to come home. Games aren't really my style. It's up to him to decide what he does next. I told him to get a therapist.

It wasn't platonic.

We spoke morning, lunch break, evening mostly every day. We Facetimed, we planned the future, we had dates over facetime, we shared emotional intimacy, we sent each other gifts and provided emotional support. It takes effort long distance, but we were doing it.

Ah OP.

I am really sorry for you & he has been a total shit. No question.

But you were only together a short time (year & a half or so?) before he left. Out haven't seen each other in 14 months, and hadn't planned to for a further 6 months or so. Your lives are completely separate.

All the above is grand, but it's not a relationship.

@IAmBeatrixKiddo

I really doubt he spends as much time thinking about you and analysing your actions and feelings as you do him. He has had it all his own way and erased you from his mind while he cheated on you for months, but still you are understanding? Jeez. Honestly, you sound like a pretty amazing person and you've been through a lot this year: ditch his flaky arse and find someone who is willing to give you their all.

All of this.

But I don’t think he should be sitting next to you. I think someone much better should be.

And this.

OP, I know you are entitled to react any way you want. But you are amazingly forgiving & understanding, given how appallingly a man you thought loved you, behaved. As you say, you were at your lowest ebb & he was sleeping with someone else.

I think it's ok to be very angry & hurt & let yourself feel that. Of course, forgiving & not harbouring bitterness is good in the long-term.

But you two didn't have the relationship you thought. You really can't have any sort of true relationship with a short-term boyfriend you hadn't lived with, had no commitments with & who was away nearly as long as you knew him.

Bluntness is right. You deserve much much better.

Thanks guys. I do feel rage and anger, but I am just being myself in my reaction. If people hurt of betray me, I will go through the process of the pain of it, then wish them well and walk away without looking back hoping for only good things for them but not wanting to be a part of it anymore.

If it seems like I am being a doormat, I am sorry. I just am not a particularly angry person (only fleetingly usually) because it just seems like such a weird emotion to me. I am angry, sure, but more than anything I am just massively sad.

I will go through the process of the pain of it, then wish them well and walk away without looking back hoping for only good things for them but not wanting to be a part of it anymore.

On the face of it, this seems mature & a positive thing.

I worry a little that you are deciding that you must be this accepting, rational person.

It's all happening now. I'm amazed sad is where you are at, right now - where's the anger part? You don't have to be an angry person to feel angry at being treated appallingly.

It reminds me a bit of leaving my abusive marriage. I remember my barrister being surprised I didn't hate him or wasn't more outwardly angry. In truth, I was still, deep down, in his control & desperately hoping for his approval but couldn't even see that.

Anyway that's not your situation. I do think some support / counselling would help, when you & DS are through everything you're dealing with at the moment x

I have counselling booked on Monday, so if there's anger I am suppressing I am sure she will tease it out.

She knows me and my partner already.

I was in counselling for something else when I met him. She was still seeing me until just before he left for the island, so she knows our history which makes it easier.

Take him for all his savings. Then change your number and leave his sorry a**

When you have been so sick and then faced such gut-wrenching worry over your child, you probably do not have the energy for massive emotions like fury. Those circumstances do tend to put everything else in perspective. I don’t think I could master any huge feelings over this guy in your circumstances beyond some sadness and disappointment. Who knows, maybe it will even feel like a bit of relief to not spend so much energy to remain close to someone so far away in a few weeks. In the meantime, just take one day at a time and focus on yourself and your lovely DS.

I rtft OP but I would pretend to hang on in there and get your finances up. Fuck him. He’s played you for a fool and is only sorry he got caught. I’d use everything in my arsenal to make him feel like shit and offer to replenish your savings and then some. Make sure he knows that thats just one of his signs of commitment to your new, improved relationship.

Then in 4-6 months I’d bin the twat, but I’m a vengeful cow. And incredibly proud re finances and independence I might add but FUCK THAT. I’m so so glad that you’re son is ok (except that period will still have some trauma for you both, so not ‘ok’) and that you’re feeling better x

@Krampusasbabysitter

When you have been so sick and then faced such gut-wrenching worry over your child, you probably do not have the energy for massive emotions like fury. I don’t think I could master any huge feelings over this guy in your circumstances beyond some sadness and disappointment

Yes this describes exactly how I feel. I just can't muster fury because of the timing for me.

I feel less anger too, because I feel like he is suffering badly and so that vengeful instinct to punish or hurt him back isn't there.

I think he's in more pain than me. He's written me an email that's long and quite emotional (unheard of), he's been crying all morning, just sobbing and he has not cried since childhood, he's contacted a therapist and arranged to get help.

This is a man who's had amour around him since I've known him - who it's been like pulling teeth to get him to read a BOOK, and now he's doing this. I think this has just broken the dam for him and he's in proper pain for the first time instead of distracting or minimising.

I think being angry is difficult when someone's like that. Not because I feel sorry for him, but because it just seems pointless. I will access it at some point. I just feel very worn down.

He says he is resigning tomorrow and coming home. He's accepted it's over between us, he is not even asking me to take him back because he says he realises he's got problems. He just says he wants to stop running away from them.

I have found MN really helpful through all this. I might seem calm and gathered, but I have slept about 10 hours in 3 nights and only eaten a cup of rice in that time and a glass of lemonade and some water so I am amazed I am still standing. I was wandering around the streets in my pyjamas at dawn because I woke up crying and didn't want my son to hear me.

I am feeling it, it's not nothing, but I just don't have energy right now for fury.

I feel a bit like, as horrible as this is, it almost had to happen. Because he's admitted he was scared of properly loving me (as in the REAL life together) and if he'd not cheated, how I would have had a real future with someone in that mindset, so I might have ended up miserable in the long run with someone with who was messed up and not doing anything about it.

I hope you're all having a nice Sunday. I really appreciate everything that's been said to me. It's been a really big help to get different perspectives as well as all the support.

Hi OP. It's not St Helena/Ascension is it? Not justifying his behaviour AT ALL but I've been to both and the remoteness is overwhelming. I can't imagine being there and not knowing when I was coming home. Like I said totally not justifying his behaviour.