My Girlfriend (F26) & I (M30) are at an impasse on compatibility (Vaccines, Life Choices, General view of the world)

[DeepThinking]

My Girlfriend (F26) of 11 months & I (M30) have reached an impasse on compatibility and we are unsure how to move forward, I feel "stuck', not sure if we are just not compatible or if these things can be worked through. It should be noted that she has a Son from a previous relationship. We seem to disagree on vaccinations and general "ways of the world". Turns out her Son isn't vaccinated and she would be hesitant to vaccinate any future Children either.

I should be clear and state that I fully respect her own judgement and decisions for her Son, I don't have a right to say otherwise and nor would I. Where it becomes an issue is our Future children, as I would of course have a say then.

What should I do ? I understand every situation is different but some perspective would be useful. Please please try and not say things like " your Girlfriend is nuts " as while I respect your passion, it's not helpful. If I didn't see some potential outside of these incompatibilities, I wouldn't have lasted this long. Thank you.

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I trust science, I trust the medical professionals, I think logically and do research on things I don't understand. I am also however opened-minded, which is why I guess I have not walked away immediately and I am entertaining a discussion on it despite my opposite views. She however seems to be a bit more of a hippy (I mean no disrespect by that term, I hope it doesn't offend! - just using it to help with context. It's actually something I as attracted to in the beginning ( being different and all that) ).

She's in to "Healthy Living" as she calls it. Little meats, more plant based foods. No sugar. Doesn't like chemicals or other manufactured additives ( makes her own soaps and doesn't buy off-the-shelf products ). Essential oils ( hey, they smell great, not gonna lie ). Just helping to paint a picture...

It's never come up before, which is why we have got this far in to things. Now that we are getting deeper and more committed, we have started to think about a future Family. I would love my own biological kids some day. We naturally drifted to the topic of vaccinations. She asked would I be getting the COVID-19 vaccine, and I said "No, not immediately, I'd want to see it go through trials and let it mature a little but eventually I would absolutely get it" -- to which she replied with " Oh, well I won't be getting it at all and by the way [sons name] is not vaccinated either". My stomach dropped to the floor.

She cites the (apparently typical ?) reasons against them as:

• Overloading the immune system

• Heavy Metal content

• A child's immune system is only forming and we need to let it form naturally

• Risks of side effects

• They are thriving without it

I asked her "If [sons name] ever fell and needed a tetanus shot, would you get it" - and she answered with "I don't know, probably not". Which I guess just concerns me even more. Tetanus can and does kill. It broke my heart to even think about her Son and our future Kids suffering in this way.

She appears to distrust the medical profession. Won't take antibiotics or other pills when prescribed, that kinda thing.

I guess I am worried about other things that might not have come up yet, if she feels this way about vaccines, what else could come up in the future ?

All of that said, I should mention, we are compatible in other ways. It wouldn't have got this far if we didn't have things in common and a genuine love for one another. She does think logically about a lot of other things, which is why when this came up I was completely floored and was unexpected.

She has mentioned on occasion that she's "willing to compromise" and maybe we can "spread them out (the vaccines) " which does indicate to me that she's open to change, but this fluctuates and she's not always consistent with these words.

I feel stuck because we've grown close, we practically live together, there is definite love there, we're compatible in other ways, her Son and I have grown close and am very fond of him. He's used to me too.

I'd really like to hear what you have to say (hard truths also) but I ask that you not put her down. She is my Girlfriend and despite our very opposing views on a contentious topic, I still love her and do believe she is well intended in her own way.

Thank you

The issue isn't who is right or wrong, the issue is that you aren't compatible. It's a big thing to not be compatible about because there isn't a middle ground - kids are either vaccinated or not. Speaking for example about 'traditional' vaccinations, I would point blank not be with someone who wouldn't want me to vaccinate our children, because I do want to. And there's no compromise on that.

Sometimes you just aren't compatible, that's life.

Agree with pp. Really one of you has to compromise their beliefs regarding vaccinations. Are you prepared to raise a child and not vaccinate him/her? Is your dp prepared to vaccinate? Does she realise this is a relationship deal breaker?

Alternatively don't have children.

It shows very poor judgement. I doubt it's confined to vaccinations. Absolute deal breaker for me.

@closetalker

The issue isn't who is right or wrong, the issue is that you aren't compatible. It's a big thing to not be compatible about because there isn't a middle ground - kids are either vaccinated or not. Speaking for example about 'traditional' vaccinations, I would point blank not be with someone who wouldn't want me to vaccinate our children, because I do want to. And there's no compromise on that.

Sometimes you just aren't compatible, that's life.

Thanks. Yes, I guess this is the worry. I feel it just isn't something that can be compromised on. You either vaccinate or you don't.

It's very difficult when her reasons are so easily shot down.

But think - do you want to possibly watch your child being seriously ill, possibly seriously impacted by measles, mumps, chicken pox etc?

I couldn't be with someone like that. (And I had all the above as a child. I was lucky. Others were not)
And then there's meningitis, whooping cough...

I have no understanding of people like that

As you know, the dating period is about finding out if you're both compatible. You're currently in the relationship honeymoon period at 1 year in so bear in mind that nearly all problems now will be greatly magnified in time.

You sound reflective and sensible which is great. It comes down to whether having your children vaccinated is a dealbreaker for you? If they contracted measles for example (entirely preventable by vaccination) and developed a serious complication such as pneumonia or brain inflammation, how would you feel about her? This is not hypothetical, the UK is seeing a significant rise in measles cases due to parents like your girlfriend and it's so bad that the UK has lost its elimination status. There are also various vaccine preventable illnesses which if they don't get vaccinated for, put them at serious risk not only in thr UK, but if they travel abroad or encounter elsewhere an infected person from places where such diseases are endemic.

You have to take vaccines exactly how they are supposed to scheduled, for them to be effective. "Spreading them out" is nonsense.

Then you have the whole distrust of the medical profession and refusing to take things. Completely fine for herself but people like your girlfriend with no proper scientific knowledge are easily influenced by nonsense theories put across in a convincing way and you're really risking her picking up even more ideas that could be of serious detriment to your children.

It would be a hard no from me.

Do you want battles and long discussions from someone who is not science-based for the rest of your lives (in this Covid and post Covid world) together? It will be wearing and will affect other aspects of your relationship as well as potentially dangerous for any DC you might have. As hard as our is, you may have to part ways.

There is also something inherently selfish in antivax views that I personally find most unattractive. Relying on everyone else doing their bit, whilst your child coasts along in herd immunity. Thinking about broadly might help you decide.

I say this as someone currently struggling with a long marriage with someone whose turned antiCV vax, anti mask, antiLockdown. But he was rational when I met him 😬. You may be thankful later for a lucky escape. As hard as it is.

You are incompatible.

You can love someone and still be incompatible. This is your situation and a long term relationship will never work. Time to move on before things go to far.

You are not compatible. Anti vax is a very serious issue and if someone doesnt believe the facts on it theres no hope. I had ruebella as a child and am now partially deaf vaccines are so important you cannot compromise.

Sorry, you're incompatible in a very important area. I would NEVER have a child with an anti-vaxxer. In fact, I wouldn't even have a sexual relationship with one for fear of pregnancy.

Sometimes love isn't enough. This is one of those times. I think you need to end the relationship and look for someone who shares your views.

I have to agree with everyone else that you really can’t continue in this. It’s an issue of fundamental incompatibility—it’s the kind of thing I would need clarity on after a few dates because it’s so fundamental!

If you’re thinking about having children with her: it’s as fundamental as asking whether you want your children to be at substantially higher chance of dying. It sounds extreme, but that’s the situation. It’s not just vaccines, her general approach to healthcare means if you had children with her, the chances of them dying is a lot higher than it should be in a rich western country. Personally I would not be able to live with this—I would not choose to love a child and live each day knowing I’m putting it at higher risk of death.

Honestly I think I would go right off someone who didn't trust the medical profession.

It's just really unattractive to me.

God forbid she got cellulitis or something! What, she'd take some homeopathy drops?!

Noooooo....its so unfanciable.

At some point, you may begin to lose respect for her.
Scientific minds find it hard to stomach this level of lack of knowledge and illogical fear.
The first words that sprang to my mind were Natural Selection.
You're not compatible. She is very unlikely indeed to change her views. And this is much more important than political allegiance or supporting city/united.
You are both still young. Time to move on, and free her up to meet someone who shares her thinking. As you can find someone who shares yours.

Personally I think you are the one who is not thinking logically.

It is madness to criticise your gf for not using antibiotics where it is precisely their overuse the reason while it won't long before there are no effective antibiotics to be had.

You one hundred percent trust scientists, the medical profession and pharmaceutical companies, despite things like thalidimide and mad cow's disease, as well as several huge awards giving against the pharmaceutical companies for putting profits before safety.

I agree with your gf's reasons for not vaccinating. Anecdotally my granddaughter has not been vaccinated and is hardly ever ill, while her playmates seem to catch every illness going.

I'm not 100% against vaccines and antibiotics, by the way.

I think you would probably be better ending things now unless you are willing to change your mind or massively compromise. I think that opposing views on more minor issues are fine in a relationship but there is no solution to something so big.

@Coyoacan lol well I suppose you’ve helped prove OP’s point really, despite everything

It is madness to criticise your gf for not using antibiotics where it is precisely their overuse the reason while it won't long before there are no effective antibiotics to be had.*

Not really. It is the overuse in animal agriculture. And the reason your GD has not been ill is because the rest of us have vaccinated our children.

I do think that all parents have disagreements once a child is involved in how to raise them but this is usually more subtle like sleep arrangements / feeding / and so on. Even these smaller topics can be very emotionally charged when your precious baby is involved. I think disagreeing already on fundamentals would make it extremely difficult - but not impossible.

It really comes down to weather you believe you could both negotiate to a happy medium or not. If not then I think it’ll just be a pressure cooker. It’s very difficult when your child’s Health is concerned.

I have my opinions on people that don’t vaccinate their children I guess it’s down to the parents to decide.

I personally wouldn’t want to bring a child into a relationship that was already deeply conflicted.

@Coyoacan

Personally I think you are the one who is not thinking logically.

It is madness to criticise your gf for not using antibiotics where it is precisely their overuse the reason while it won't long before there are no effective antibiotics to be had.

You one hundred percent trust scientists, the medical profession and pharmaceutical companies, despite things like thalidimide and mad cow's disease, as well as several huge awards giving against the pharmaceutical companies for putting profits before safety.

I agree with your gf's reasons for not vaccinating. Anecdotally my granddaughter has not been vaccinated and is hardly ever ill, while her playmates seem to catch every illness going.

I'm not 100% against vaccines and antibiotics, by the way.

@Coyoacan

While I respect your right to voice your opinion I do have to call you out on three things;

1. I am not criticising her, I am just stating my view on the matter. Unless I need to be corrected, I feel I have been diplomatic about my approach to date.

1. Not once did I mentioned anything about antibiotics, so I am unsure where you were going with that one.

1. I never said I 100% trust Scientists. You made an assumption.

While I respect your right to choose, I would have to disagree. In my opinion your Granddaughter has escaped illness is because of Herd Immunity.

See your examples op will just disturb the opinions and create bias. The differences are just too huge, too serious to have a happy healthy relationship. It doesnt even so much matter what the views are, its your division on them. Many people follow their hearts, dicks or fears and stay in unhappy unhealthy relations. Its up to you whether you want to stay with her and have a child with her despite the giant red flag of incompatibility.
Logically, i would say why are you even dating.. but i know how we can all choose and stay with the wrong people even when we know better.

@DeepThinking
"She appears to distrust the medical profession. Won't take antibiotics or other pills when prescribed, that kinda thing."

You absolutely DID mention antibiotics. I too had all three ilnesses as a child, first chicken pox, then three weeks later measles, during which I became delirious. Mumps as an adult. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. You need to show her the door.

Vaccines would be an absolute deal breaker for me too.

DH and I politely disagree on many things, sometimes politics, in the past we disagreed on Brexit. We respect eachother and are happy agreeing to disagree. However as you say, there is no middle ground on vaccines (and in my experience those who don't vaccinate also hold other opinions I fundamentally disagree with).

Truthfully, and I may get flamed for this, if I had a baby and then discovered my partner didn't agree with vaccinations, I would have gone behind their back and got them done anyway.

Yes, LTGF. This isn't a difference of opinion matter, it's actual proven facts about the world vs nonsense, in a way that will become intractable if you have children.