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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Said something I regret

108 replies

MommaCNBS · 10/11/2020 04:42

My husband packed up and left a couple of months ago after 21 years of marriage. He regrets it and wants to work things out but I’m not having it. We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated. I ended up telling him he was once so mean to his mom she told me “sometimes I wonder if he even loves me!?” We lost her less than 2 years ago to cancer and I swore I’d never tell him and I don’t even know why but It was an instant regret saying it. I feel terrible! Now he throws it in my face when we talk. That it was a low blow with her passing away. Sorry for the rambling. It’s just tough times over here. 😔

OP posts:
Bubblebox · 10/11/2020 05:11

Honestly, maybe it needed saying. Perhaps he'll now realise that words hurt.
Maybe not the kindest thing that you could have said but it sounds like he is regularly unkind.

rawlikesushi · 10/11/2020 05:23

Well I do think that that was a terrible thing to say, but you already know that. He will now always wonder whether his mum knew that she was loved, whether she died thinking that he didn't love her, and there isn't anything he can do to put that right.

It's ironic that you say that he can be rude and mean, when you have been rather unkind yourself here.

I think I would be saying that she said it a long time ago, and that he has made up for it since then. I would assume that he was supportive when she was ill, and that they had opportunities to talk honestly and make up for old disagreements, for example.

Opinionator · 10/11/2020 05:31

You say he's rude/mean, can you give us some examples?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 10/11/2020 05:32

The truth hurts sometimes! I can't feel sorry for your husband in this, I feel sorry for the two women in his life he has hurt so badly.

Chamberlai · 10/11/2020 05:37

Why do YOU feel bad? I don't get it. He was mean to his mum, and to you. He's a bad, bad man who deserves some pain.

Trixie18 · 10/11/2020 05:38

You reap what you sow. His own actions have led him here, if he's unsure if his own mother knew he loved her that's on him not you for pointing it out. I don't think you did say a terrible thing if it's the truth. Why are you considering taking this bloke back he doesn't sound like a keeper imo

CloudyVanilla · 10/11/2020 05:42

Yes I'm not being funny but if she did wonder, then maybe he should wonder if she felt that way regularly.

Monty27 · 10/11/2020 05:43

It was harsh but true OP. You probably had a rude awakening about what he's made of. He's turning his faults round to you.
His poor mum. Sorry for your loss. At least she had you. 💕

ChickensMightFly · 10/11/2020 05:46

Why is he using it as a way to lash out on you now?! If he was screwed up with regret he couldn't make up for I would sympathise more with him, but unless you haven't mentioned that it sounds more like it was just handy ammunition to continue in character in which case the 'revelation' taught him nothing. If hearing that didn't make him pause for thought then it's entirely possible the words haven't had the long lasting impact you fear.
It wasn't the best thing to say, but if you have said sorry and mean it and can draw his attention to the context in which it was said, he should be able to forgive not behave like a child about it.

Oblomov20 · 10/11/2020 05:56

I completely disagree with everything raw like sushi wrote. Sorry.

How is that rude? Or harsh? Mil should have told him how she really felt. What ever made you decide that you would never tell him? It's that reasoning that I feel is wrong.

He needed to know!

BefuddledPerson · 10/11/2020 06:00

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You haven't told a lie, you haven't screamed harsh words at him, you just repeated something someone said to him.

Let it go. Try to focus on you as he sounds very hard work.

Monty27 · 10/11/2020 06:02

Let him lick his own wounds and stand by what he deserved in the hope he takes a long hard look at himself 😔

TuesdaysWell · 10/11/2020 06:16

He’s reaping what he sowed, and now weaponising what you told him against you — and lo, it’s working if you’re regretting it and posting on here. A less aggressively unpleasant person would be asking themselves a lot of difficult questions after that revelation, not blaming you for telling him, especially in the context of him walking out after 21 years of marriage. He’s trying to get you on the back foot, and it’s proving very effective. You’re focusing on what you see as your own bad behaviour, not his.

You haven’t said whether you let him return home? Why would you accept this man back?

surlycurly · 10/11/2020 06:28

The fact that he's using it against you know screams of someone with enough arrogance to think that he's never at fault. Rather than be a reflective, emotionally intelligent man and accept your point, truly considering what you've said, he's completely disregarding the message and is back to blaming you for his own meanness and poor behaviour. Don't feel guilty here, use it as further proof that you're better not spending your life with this man. He won't ever learn, or change. Work on yourself and your confidence and STOP talking to him. It sounds like you're well shot.

surlycurly · 10/11/2020 06:28

*now

Flutter12 · 10/11/2020 06:38

That’s awful!

I am completely on his side on this one. You can’t use something that a loved one said to win an argument that was a low blow which you know.

I think he wants to be with you but he can’t let it go which is why he keeps bringing it up. Honestly I don’t think I could ever let it go either so it sounds like this relationship is doomed. Apart from this what is the relationship like?

FippertyGibbett · 10/11/2020 06:56

You need to keep him out of your life. It really isn’t worth the hassle.

FluffyPersian · 10/11/2020 11:39

So.... Your Husband is perceived to be mean and rude by you and his (late) Mother? I'm assuming he said something pretty awful to his Mother, hence why she said what she did.

Right, so your Husband can be a total arsehole.

And you said ONE thing to him, regarding his Mothers response and now you're worse than the Devil and are super nasty and mean and should be apologising and grovelling and being nice and sucking up everything that he says?

Nah. No way.

Sorry, but if he's typically nasty and mean and hasn't changed and doesn't usually apologise (which I am assuming he doesn't as it doesn't sound like he's changed) why on earth would you beat yourself up over one thing? Also, why would he keep throwing it in your face? I'm assuming he wouldn't like it if you did that with all the horrible things he's said over the years?

One rule for him = He can be horrible, nasty and rude and you have to suck it up

One rule for you = God forbid you ever said anything nasty and if you do, you need to grovel and apologise constantly.

Does that sound fair?

JillofTrades · 10/11/2020 11:45

He may be rude but you know you said this to hurt him. That was a really cruel low blow even if it was true. Your intention was to hurt him.

frewer · 10/11/2020 11:52

Not given to self reflection, is he? Some people never change.

Hesfamousforit · 10/11/2020 12:03

So basically he has upset his mother with years of abuse and because you told him and hurt his feelings he is using it as a way to punish you. He doesn't care that he upset his mum or you but how dare you call him on it

firewalkeruk · 10/11/2020 12:06

@MommaCNBS, you and your husband have known each other for a very long time. In those years we learn the 'trigger' events which will escalate any argument and most times we avoid them. However on the rare occasions where we feel very hurt or attacked by our partners we will reach down into that dark supply of hurts and fire off a few well placed shots. In the moment we feel justified and most people don't ever apologise for what they have said.
You on the other hand seem to be a very nice person and have tolerated a lot of hurt yourself from your husband.
I think you need to tell him that his mother loved him and knew he loved her but that he has anger issues which he let's out at the women in his life. Tell him you are no longer willing to accept this and he needs to talk to someone to deal with his unresolved issues.
As for you you need to forgive yourself and stop worrying about what you have said as the truth never stays hidden and it will always find it's way to the surface.
I hope you can move on from this and that your husband can get the help he needs.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 10/11/2020 12:08

He throws it in your face every time you 'talk'/he harasses you to give the relationship another go after he walked out. He's not seeing the irony here is he? He wasn't nice and funnily enough he's still not nice.

I hope you have support in real life? If you don't want to get back together why are you listening to him? Are you not 'allowed' a voice/opinion?

hiji3964 · 10/11/2020 12:10

I don't think you should regret it. What goes around comes around, if his mum said that there was obviously some awful behaviour, which is obviously still going on to this day. It might be the reality check he needs.
People need to know if they have hurt somebody

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2020 12:12

A discussion on just how mean and rude someone is never goes well. Hi, let’s just talk about how cunty you really are. Few take it well,

This was always going to be difficult. As you’re not getting back together, what’s the point. And if his mum did say that she said it. Yes it wasn’t nice to use it as a weapon against him when she trusted you, but there it is,