Said something I regret

[MommaCNBS]

My husband packed up and left a couple of months ago after 21 years of marriage. He regrets it and wants to work things out but I’m not having it. We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated. I ended up telling him he was once so mean to his mom she told me “sometimes I wonder if he even loves me!?” We lost her less than 2 years ago to cancer and I swore I’d never tell him and I don’t even know why but It was an instant regret saying it. I feel terrible! Now he throws it in my face when we talk. That it was a low blow with her passing away. Sorry for the rambling. It’s just tough times over here. 😔

You've said it now, so it doesn't matter if it was right or wrong. She felt that way for a reason, I wouldn't be overly apologetic or remorseful, if it comes up again I would just say you are sorry about hurting his feelings but rather than projecting onto you, he needs to take long hard look at himself and think why his mother said that and reflect on his own behaviour. This is about him, not you, as much as he tries to make you out to be the bad guy. But you will only get the message across if you stand firm and not try to back track.

Just a little back story about us. We married when we were teens (me 17, him 18) and have 4 kids together. He talks down to everyone, including the kids. He left to get a ride out of me, hoping I would beg him to stay but that didn’t happen. I have been a SAHM our whole marriage but went straight out and got a job. I am also his dads care giver a few days a week and that’s where he happens to live. During our entire marriage I left him do and say whatever he wanted and just lost feelings for him. So when he left it was actually a relief. But for some reason I still let what he says bother me.

Yesterday he told me I’m unappreciative of everything he’s doing during this separation. But I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be appreciative about. The fact he’s letting me live in our house? The fact he’s letting me still drive my truck? I haven’t asked him for a single thing since he left. I have the kids and work 2 jobs!

Show me someone who has never ever said something they wish they hadn't and I'll show you a liar. It was unkind of you to say that to him when his mother is dead and he can't repair any damage but it is also unkind of him to keep throwing it back in your face when you have sincerely apologised. Your words hurt him. I'm sure his actions in walking out after 21 years hurt you. These are tough times. Relationships are under pressure. In long term, committed relationships, people sometimes say things they regret and the relationship survives because of a bit of forgiveness on both sides. If he can't see that, how does he think another try would work?

You sound much better off without him!

To be honest I think you both would be happier apart. I see very little love and no relationship for you to save. I think moving forward you should divorce and think about the kids needs when you do and not your own. I think this maybe difficult as he does sound controlling and angry.
That said your line struck me We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated.

This actually sounds really cruel and manipulative on your fault. If your just standing there attacking him, then I am not surprised he got defensive. That's the kind of behaviour I would expect from him, assuming your description was true.

Tell him in hindsight you probably shouldn't have said it, but it was said because you find it very frustrating how he can't see how his behaviour impacts others and instead of using it as a weapon to beat you with maybe actually stop and think about why his mum said it to you.

Then tell him you refuse to discuss it further and if he continues to bring it up or be mean he will need to not be there when you care for your FIL and the only other alternative is you go low contact and he will need to make alternative care arrangements.

I ended up telling him he was once so mean to his mom she told me “sometimes I wonder if he even loves me!?

If that isn't enough to humble him and make him realize his behavior is intolerable nothing will.

Don't feel bad OP he sounds vile, and maybe it's better he doesn't come back and takes his discusting attitude elsewhere.

He sounds awful and you are better off without him but it was low to say that, you know he can never resolve that as his mother is dead. Not your finest hour but not much you can do now.

Funny how those that dish it out cannot take it back isn't it? Yes you should not have said what you said but you did. We've all done it in temper. But for him to throw it in your face each time that's to keep you on the back foot so you agree to have him back. Do not be manipulated!

So he doesn't feel any guilt that he was si mean to his mum she said that, he's annoyed because you told him and uses it as amo to make you feel guilty. Not really learnt much has he.

Don't feel bad. If he is upset then perhaps he shouldn't have been such a dick to his own mother. The irony that he is now being nasty because he is angry or possibly ashamed of his own nasty behaviour is not lost on me. He sounds awful.

Yes he sounds awful but if OP was going to tell him she should have done it while his mother was alive, it is horrible to do it when she is dead and he can never resolve it, he can never tell his mother she was wrong and he did love her. He might be awful, he sounds it, but what the OP did was plain nasty and there is nothing she can do to put it right.

Now he throws it in my face when we talk

I think that says it all. Instead of him feeling like a shit for the way he made his own mother feel, he makes you feel like a shit for letting him know.

He’s going to dine out on this forever, rather then reflect on his pas and present behaviour he’s opted to be the victim. The truth hurts sometimes. Move on already.

I would add that he cannot possibly be so clueless that he was unaware as to how his behaviour might be considered by others. He sounds like a bully.

Sounds like he can give it but can’t take it. Low blow but now he knows what it feels like doesn’t he?

@ancientgran

Yes he sounds awful but if OP was going to tell him she should have done it while his mother was alive, it is horrible to do it when she is dead and he can never resolve it, he can never tell his mother she was wrong and he did love her. He might be awful, he sounds it, but what the OP did was plain nasty and there is nothing she can do to put it right.

Yes he sounds awful but if OP was going to tell him she should have done it while his mother was alive - his mother asked her not to.

it is horrible to do it when she is dead and he can never resolve it, he can never tell his mother she was wrong and he did love her. - he shouldn't have had to tell her. He shouldn't have behaved in such a way that she even had to feel that. Actions speak louder than words.

but what the OP did was plain nasty and there is nothing she can do to put it right. - she said it to hurt him, I'll give you that. But as it was true, and as she has not said a lot of things over the course of their marriage in order to spare his delicate feelings (translation, as PPs have said, he loves dishing it out but can't take it) I still don't think she has anything to put right.

He's the one who can't put it right, he can't undo all the things he said and did to his mother.

I think if you said this to hurt him, that was done in the context of an inability to get him to see his own behavior and it's effects. Actually I think he should know this but ideally he would have been told outside of an argument. It's not a secret you should have had to bear and he needs to take more responsibility for his aggression. Perhaps apologise for how you told him rather than because you told him?

Yes he sounds awful but if OP was going to tell him she should have done it while his mother was alive - his mother asked her not to.

Well yes her betrayal of the mother's confidence was also bad but I thought we were talking about the husband.

It is very easy and not very productive to criticise someone for something that from the outset they acknowledge was wrong.

The weird thing is that even having learnt how he made his mother feel, instead of being ashamed and sad, he is using this against the OP.

"if OP was going to tell him she should have done it while his mother was alive, it is horrible to do it when she is dead and he can never resolve it, he can never tell his mother she was wrong and he did love her. He might be awful, he sounds it, but what the OP did was plain nasty and there is nothing she can do to put it right."

Oh give over. It's not nasty. He can't have been oblivious to how he was making his mother feel when she was alive. Anything she might have said was entirely of his own making. That shouldn't be another stick to beat the OP with but rather something to give him pause to consider how he wants to conduct himself and live his life.

I think given the circumstances it seems entirely fine to me for OP to say something to hurt a person who has been, by the sounds of it, abusive to her, for years.

So he's a horrible, rude, mean person who everybody, including you, indulges, he's finally pushed you to the point where you told him the truth.

Why do you feel bad? The truth is the truth. He needs to hear it. He needs to understand the impact his nasty behaviour has on others.

You should only feel bad for enabling him to this point and for feeling bad for telling him the truth. Those are the two points on which you're very wrong.

Stop enabling. Don't consider getting back with him. Any time he's out of order, tell him the truth. Stop feeling guilty, he doesn't care for anybody else's feelings, he's not hurt over what you told him because he really doesn't care. He doesn't like to be challenged because he wants to continue with his behaviour and if people are willing to stand up to him, they'll stop enabling.

He's afraid you'll stop being a doormat for his bullying. That's all.

I wouldn't have stayed with someone who treated my dcs that way.