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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Said something I regret

108 replies

MommaCNBS · 10/11/2020 04:42

My husband packed up and left a couple of months ago after 21 years of marriage. He regrets it and wants to work things out but I’m not having it. We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated. I ended up telling him he was once so mean to his mom she told me “sometimes I wonder if he even loves me!?” We lost her less than 2 years ago to cancer and I swore I’d never tell him and I don’t even know why but It was an instant regret saying it. I feel terrible! Now he throws it in my face when we talk. That it was a low blow with her passing away. Sorry for the rambling. It’s just tough times over here. 😔

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/11/2020 12:14

If he was so awful that his poor mother wondered that, then he's no reason to blame you for bringing it up.

Justcause233 · 10/11/2020 12:15

I think that you said is irrelevant and is taking you away from the issue you should be concerned with.

Why are you still communicating with him to the level that he is able to distress you so much that you have stepped over your own boundaries and sense of what is right or wrong?. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about what what you said, it only matters what you think. And you're clearly disappointed with what you said to him

You need to start disengaging properly , only contact him where necessary. Are you finding it difficult to do this?

Sexnotgender · 10/11/2020 12:20

I’m not sure you should regret it. He sounds like a nasty bully and he needs to know that his behaviour is unacceptable.

He hurt his mum and that’s entirely on him.

CrazyToast · 10/11/2020 12:25

No way to what @rawlikesushi said.

He was so awful to his mum that she wondered if he loved her. He is awful to you. Where are the consequences of this? Someone needs to tell him at some point. The fact that he is now using this against her, shows even more that he is not a nice person. Don't feel bad at all, you didnt do anything. He did.

incognitomum · 10/11/2020 12:26

I'm glad you're not having it. Shame it took him so long. You did right telling him.

Now live your life and stop engaging unless it's essential.

DoWahDiddy · 10/11/2020 12:29

Your husband sounds toxic.

barbrahunter · 10/11/2020 12:30

Another one who doesn't think any of this is your fault. If I were you, OP I would not bother talking to him any more unless it's to do with your separation. It doesn't look like he's capable of any reflection or insight so I would start to build a life that doesn't include him. Leave it all behind.

LilyWater · 10/11/2020 12:31

Has he always been like this? Normally people with a mean streak don't hide it for long (if at all) but their partner is happy to excuse it when they're not the target and other people are subject to the rudeness/meanness. Sooner or later the partner themselves becomes the target and then that's when they start challenging the behaviour. If he had a mean streak before you married him then you need to take responsibility for the fact you freely decided to commit to him with this character trait. You're right to call him out on it, perhaps counselling can help, or finding what the root cause of the issue is e.g. anger management, or copying his dad etc.

Muchadoaboutlife · 10/11/2020 12:36

The two of you together are toxic and it’s not good to be together. Why do you even want all of that in your life? Find somebody who brings you joy. What’s this shit all about!! Tell him “I’ve got one life mate and I’m not spending it with somebody who is rude. End of” then mean it and go very low contact. He has no manners and thinks he’s more important than he is.

Muchadoaboutlife · 10/11/2020 12:39

Oh and by the way I’ve just gone low contact with a friend who is like your husband. Can be lovely but brings out a vicious tongue. I can’t be bothered anymore. She’s toxic and over the years has made me feel crap about myself. Her life is perfect and she’s very judgey. It’s exhausting being around somebody like that. I’ve decided I’ll only have nice gentle people in my life from now on

PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma · 10/11/2020 12:43

Oh goodness. You have already split up. Do not let him back. If he's lashing out about his mum, it's probably because a little bit of him knows he must have been a shit to her.

He's the one in the wrong, here.

chocorabbit · 10/11/2020 12:45

So, even his own mother was scared to tell him how he treated her and how she felt about it. Because he just hurls abuse. It tells you everything you need to know.

romeolovedjulliet · 10/11/2020 12:47

you are so much better off without this in your life. why do you need to talk with him though, if he's so nasty ?

museumum · 10/11/2020 12:54

It sounds to me like an honest truth he needed to hear. If it's not going to make him less mean then there's no hope for him.

But if you're separated then why are you having these conversations with him? Why is he even in a place to 'throw it at you'? It clearly has an effect on you - next time he brings it up, you can reply "It was the truth and you needed to hear it, you clearly don't understand the impact you have on people you profess to love".

Eddielzzard · 10/11/2020 12:55

He left. He sounds deeply unpleasant. I wouldn't talk to him if I were you.

MrsJBaptiste · 10/11/2020 12:55

God, I must be awful. I was honestly expecting a comment much worse than the one OP said to her husband Blush

PawsAndPhytoncides · 10/11/2020 12:57

Maybe is is an arse and maybe he "deserves" this but I am not sure that helps you.

You used the words of his deceased mum to try to hurt him. I think it would be different if you had shared them at the time and/or shared them in a way that was intended to help him.

We are all accountable for our own misdeeds. He is accountable for the way he behaved that led him mum to feel like that. You are accountable for using that information in a way intended to hurt him. By all means, apologise for that aspect of it, if you now feel you did the wrong thing. But be clear that you do not apologise for his mum feeling that way or for her saying those words to you. Only he and she are responsible for that.

MatildaTheCat · 10/11/2020 12:59

Easy solution to this: stop talking to him. Other than through lawyers.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

Lollypop701 · 10/11/2020 13:05

He is using your regret as a stick to eat you with when he should be looking at his own behaviour. You on the other hand acknowledge it wasn’t your finest moment... he’s a bully, be glad you let him go

Calmandmeasured1 · 10/11/2020 13:05

He left you and wants to come back. You don't want him back. I think you could have told him why without telling him what his DM once said. That was an unforgiveable thing to do.

I could understand if you'd discussed what she'd said with him while she was alive. Why the heck didn't you? You could have helped him to see how she felt and maybe helped him to put things right and let her know he did love her. At the back of his mind he will always have that awareness, he may always think that his DM never knew he loved her, he may never have peace of mind again.

You know it was a low blow. You can do nothing about it now. Just move on, get divorced and leave each other alone.

Diva66 · 10/11/2020 13:08

Speak to a lawyer and start planning your future without this asshole. You’ve said you don’t want to work things out with him, don’t waste any more time and energy on his feelings.

Mistletroll · 10/11/2020 13:09

Why did he leave and why does he now want to come back? Was the grass not greener on the other side or did whatever soft landing he went to, not like his narcissistic side?

He has treated him mum like crap and I bet he has done this to you as men learn how to deal with women by how they interact with their mothers.

I don't think you have said anything terrible at all. It was the truth. I was expecting much worse.

He has left and you say you don't want him back. If that is the case there is no need to speak to him unless it is to sort out the DC or logistics of your split. Keep it business like and vial text and email.

Eugenieonegin · 10/11/2020 13:10

OP I think why you feel so bad is because being around him makes you a person you don’t want to be. Stay away, apologise once for repeating it, then don’t engage anymore. You have an opportunity to live your life and be happy, good luck.

Sparklfairy · 10/11/2020 13:12

To some extent I think it needed saying. He's not just mean and rude to you, but his mother to the point that she questioned whether he even loved her at all. Maybe this is the shock he needs to see that you can't treat people like crap without consequences.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/11/2020 13:20

Brutal in a way, but as his DM is dead, she can't be hurt by you saying something that you promised you wouldn't.

I think it's something he needed to hear. Maybe not in the way he did, but somehow. It was the truth, not something you made up to hurt him. You can't unsay it, so let it go.

We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated

So he's mean and rude but he won't accept it and turns it on you. In what way does he throw it in your face?

You don't want him back, so don't talk to him any more unless it's to sort out practicalities. Tell him clearly it's over, but don't try to discuss why that is. He'd probably turn anything you said into ammunition against you, because as far as he's concerned he's perfect and you're the problem. Google 'grey rock' as a technique to have up your sleeve.

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