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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Said something I regret

108 replies

MommaCNBS · 10/11/2020 04:42

My husband packed up and left a couple of months ago after 21 years of marriage. He regrets it and wants to work things out but I’m not having it. We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated. I ended up telling him he was once so mean to his mom she told me “sometimes I wonder if he even loves me!?” We lost her less than 2 years ago to cancer and I swore I’d never tell him and I don’t even know why but It was an instant regret saying it. I feel terrible! Now he throws it in my face when we talk. That it was a low blow with her passing away. Sorry for the rambling. It’s just tough times over here. 😔

OP posts:
Witchend · 10/11/2020 13:21

We had a discussion about how mean/rude of a person he actually is and things got heated

I'm not sure anyone would have a conversation about how mean and rude they are without getting heated.

Nousernameforme · 10/11/2020 13:29

The problem here is he throws it back at you when you speak.
So why are you speaking to him still? You can't unsay what you've said presumably you've apologised although it sounded like he needed telling tbh.
Are you wanting back with him if not you owe him nothing.
If there are children involved give him a pay as you go sim number to text when its about them other than that no need to communicate. Otherwise greyrock that arsehole

ThatsMeChickenArm · 10/11/2020 13:38

You have done nothing wrong. You were honest. He needs telling because he sounds like a total arsehole quite honestly. Don't feel bad. He needs to get a grip.

diddl · 10/11/2020 13:39

Why do you care?

Maybe it was wrong to say it-but you're not together anymore, so so what?

Windmillwhirl · 10/11/2020 13:39

He heard a home truth. Let him feel some of the pain he has inflicted on others for years.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/11/2020 13:43

Maybe if he wasn't such an arsehole his poor mum wouldn't have felt that way. You reap what you sow. Sorry I don't think you have anything to regret.

Brefugee · 10/11/2020 13:52

another one who totally disagrees with RawSushi.

He was so mean to his mum that she wondered if he loved her? and he's a complete arse to you? but you must make sure the poor man's feelings are soothed?
Fuck that. Tell him to get out of your life and stay there.

Krampusasbabysitter · 10/11/2020 13:58

Well, he needed to hear it. Funny how mean and cruel people expect to continually lash out and verbally abuse people but are so hyper-sensitive when they hear some hometruths!

SunshineCake · 10/11/2020 14:05

I really don't see what you did wrong tbh.

EdgyMcNervous · 10/11/2020 14:08

I totally understand why you feel bad. In an ideal world you wouldn't have said it but we do say things we regret in an argument and it sounds as if he has been very difficult over the years. Try not to keep beating yourself about it - I'm sure you've already done enough of that.

BoyTree · 10/11/2020 14:16

You were protecting him from the consequences of his actions and now you aren't - that's all it is.

OhDearMuriel · 10/11/2020 14:17

It just highlights how utterly oblivious he is of his true character :-(
Most people would have been very upset yes, but would have tried to learn from it and improve themselves.
Try not to dwell on it - from what you say he probably very much deserved it and perhaps you've been too nice and forgiving in the past.

BoyTree · 10/11/2020 14:19

Incidentally, do you think he's ever gone online to ask for advice on how to make things right with someone he's upset?

Othering · 10/11/2020 14:19

@Chamberlai

Why do YOU feel bad? I don't get it. He was mean to his mum, and to you. He's a bad, bad man who deserves some pain.
How on earth do you know that he's a bad bad man?
fruitbrewhaha · 10/11/2020 14:25

So he is allowed to be so rude and mean that his own mother said that of him. But when it's pointed out to him, it's totally unreasonable.

Tell him to fuck off. And then get a divorce.

Jux · 10/11/2020 14:28

@FluffyPersian

So.... Your Husband is perceived to be mean and rude by you and his (late) Mother? I'm assuming he said something pretty awful to his Mother, hence why she said what she did.

Right, so your Husband can be a total arsehole.

And you said ONE thing to him, regarding his Mothers response and now you're worse than the Devil and are super nasty and mean and should be apologising and grovelling and being nice and sucking up everything that he says?

Nah. No way.

Sorry, but if he's typically nasty and mean and hasn't changed and doesn't usually apologise (which I am assuming he doesn't as it doesn't sound like he's changed) why on earth would you beat yourself up over one thing? Also, why would he keep throwing it in your face? I'm assuming he wouldn't like it if you did that with all the horrible things he's said over the years?

One rule for him = He can be horrible, nasty and rude and you have to suck it up

One rule for you = God forbid you ever said anything nasty and if you do, you need to grovel and apologise constantly.

Does that sound fair?

This, absolutely this.
unebaguettepastropcuite · 10/11/2020 14:37

Sounds to me like he is getting what his just deserts. I can understand that you feel bad about the way it came out, but it also sounds like he pushed you to breaking point. Keep well away from him

Badwill · 10/11/2020 14:40

I don't think it was a terrible thing to say. Actions have consequences. If his own mother said that then he's obviously an arsehole and deserves to be told. Maybe instead of deflecting his guilt on to you he should actually think about the people he hurts. Dickhead! Sounds like you're well rid OP. Don't waste anymore energy feeling guilty for telling the truth.

Windmillwhirl · 10/11/2020 14:40

So he is allowed to be so rude and mean that his own mother said that of him. But when it's pointed out to him, it's totally unreasonable.Tell him to fuck off. And then get a divorce

Amen.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/11/2020 14:45

I ended up telling him he was once so mean to his mom she told me “sometimes I wonder if he even loves me!?”

You have no reason to feel bad about this.

He's trying to force his way back into your life by making you feel guilty for hurt that he has caused.

Tell him to do one

AlyssasBackRolls · 10/11/2020 14:49

But she did say it and you aren't lying. It may be hurtful but that's a consequence of being hateful to other people - guess what they might not know you love them.

Why on earth is it about his hurt feelings and not yours or his mums? He sounds incredibly self absorbed and unable to put himself in other people's shoes.

BlueThistles · 10/11/2020 15:00

He walked out after 21 years of marriage ... and you weren't lying.. so forget about it... and he sounds like a dick.. Flowers

Chloemol · 10/11/2020 15:01

He has been mean and rude lots, you have told him what his mother said and shouldn’t feel bad about it

How else is he going to learn that words hurt, he is unkind and this is his opportunity to do something about it

The fact he throws it in your face now tells me he has still not learnt anything

Original poster
MommaCNBS · 10/11/2020 15:04

You are so right! I tiptoed around for so many years sparing his feeling and scared of his responses. Now that he’s gone, I’m not that woman anymore.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/11/2020 15:05

You told him his shitty behaviour hurts the people he is supposed to love.

It needed saying.