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Original poster

Boyfriend moving out of the blue, so upset

126 replies

PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 18:55

I'm a single mum, been seeing a man for nearly two years. All was going well, we were making plans in the summer for a future together, to live together next year etc. We would talk/message every day, stay at each others twice a week when we both didn't have our kids.

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts, as basically he has performance issues at work, has debts to pay off and I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to commit. I hoped he may step up, reassure me and get back to the point we were in the summer where we were planning a life together.

Instead, this morning he text me he has decided to move to another part of the country (2 hours away) as its cheaper and I was the only reason he was staying here, now he is off Sad he said he loved me etc but he couldn't have a future with me for financial reasons (his debt etc).

I sent him a message, phoned him several times Blush but all he has ignored.

I am in shock, I know it wasn't a marriage or anything (been there, done that..) but all I can think is he wasn't really in love with me, maybe he was cheating or something, to visit houses in another part of the country and sign a tenancy agreement then tell me after Sad

OP posts:
Muchadoaboutlife · 09/11/2020 19:29

Well you just fell right into his trap! You quite rightly questioned his debt and suddenly he pulls a corker. Do you really think you were the only reason he was in your area? Really? You haven’t been together 20 years! It’s not a long relationship. He was in your area before you met him! So he plays the “I’m leaving” card and you start jumping around like a scared jack rabbit on speed. Stop. Stop messaging. He’s not good partner material. You KNOW this. If he was worth keeping he would have come back to you with a plan. He didn’t. Tim’s to cut the cord. Or be saddled with his debt. You want that in your life? Really?

LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 19:31

Thank your lucky stars!

He was hoping to freeload off you but you made it clear that was not an option so he's off to his next victim.

Well done you.

CallmeFP · 09/11/2020 19:33

I agree with pp but it’s bruising and painful in this moment.

He will regret it but you must not contact him at all for the regret to kick in.

I know you’re hurting right now but what he’s done is truly awful unforgivable and you hace really dodged a bullet here. Focus on you for now. Flowers

TwylaSands · 09/11/2020 19:34

@LastRoloIsMine

Thank your lucky stars!

He was hoping to freeload off you but you made it clear that was not an option so he's off to his next victim.

Well done you.

This.
OKalright · 09/11/2020 19:37

Well done for not falling for it 100%, and speaking up.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 19:37

OK thanks. I feel so blind sided and so upset. I wonder whether it was bullshit he told me in the past to get the relationship closer, when actually he was debt ridden and unlikely to ever be able to commit to me.

Around the time I mentioned my concerns he had 'cheekily' mentioned living in my home a few times. I told him not an option as genuinely no space, plus I would only live with someone if 50:50 and that couldn't happen with his debt and job issues.

I don't believe he could have genuinely loved me if he has just signed up to a new tenancy hours away from where I live, he never even discussed with me Sad I just feel so blindsided.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 09/11/2020 19:40

Gosh, well done! Your boundaries have effectively protected you from a free loader.

I'm sure it stings, but better this than a long slow death of a thousand irresponsible cuts!

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/11/2020 19:40

Be warned I'm in a particularly cynical mood!

You called him out on some huge red flags. He didn't like it that you are not treating him as the god amongst men that he considers himself to be, so you're being punished. When he deems you have begged enough and have pushed your gut feelings over these red flags deep deep down he'll miraculously reappear and all will be well as long as you keep your mouth firmly closed and worship him in the way he considers himself worthy of. Never questioning, never doubting, never having worries or fears.

Do you really think he's quit his job and organized a move just like that? During covid for a start!? Laying total and absolute responsibility on your doorstep. No reassurance, no solutions, no compromise - just jacked it all in on impulse. Doesn't he have friends here? A life outside you?

He's shite with money, reluctant to commit and has work performance issues (which I presume is work has cottoned on to the fact he's a lazy bastard). All those smack of a man with an over-inflated opinion of himself.

Do not dance to his manipulative tune.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 19:44

I think he has got a new tenancy in another area as he sent a link to it and it says 'let agreed'.

It is so surreal, as just yesterday he sent me copies of all his childhood adoption papers (he lived in a children's home then adopted). He said this was why he struggles with confrontation. Then today he has committed to leaving me for good.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 09/11/2020 19:46

Ah, not so cynical after all! Lol. Go mn vipers. Cocklodger in waiting!

Blindsided is fine. Mourning for what you'd been led to believe is fine. Crying, shouting and not believing you fell for the long con is fine. Allowing yourself to be manipulated and backed into a corner is not.

He's now expecting you to beg him to move in (obviously he's just made himself homeless in his huge moving plan and the only way he can stay is to move in with you!) and offer to help him pay off his debt by allowing him to stay rent free.

LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 19:47

He is trying every trick in the book to draw you back in.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!

You have had a lucky escape. I know it hurts and you feel crap but men like him ruin lives.
You and your children deserve better.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 19:49

Good riddance to bad rubbish as my grandmother would say.

You've dodged a bullet, op. Be grateful you have.

TwentyViginti · 09/11/2020 19:50

You quite rightly wouldn't allow him to cocklodge, so he's off!

Bullet dodged.

OwlOne · 09/11/2020 19:58

@Muchadoaboutlife

Well you just fell right into his trap! You quite rightly questioned his debt and suddenly he pulls a corker. Do you really think you were the only reason he was in your area? Really? You haven’t been together 20 years! It’s not a long relationship. He was in your area before you met him! So he plays the “I’m leaving” card and you start jumping around like a scared jack rabbit on speed. Stop. Stop messaging. He’s not good partner material. You KNOW this. If he was worth keeping he would have come back to you with a plan. He didn’t. Tim’s to cut the cord. Or be saddled with his debt. You want that in your life? Really?
Oh yes. He is resetting the dynamic nicely. Please accept his departure.

You would be foolish as a parent to get involved with a man who has debts.

You verbalised that reasonable reservation and he is now off to a new city.

Maybe he isnt expecting you to beg him to come back. Maybe he just realised that he wasnt going to be able to coast on Benefit Of The Doubt as easily as he thought he could.

If i had debts and was in a relationship i valued, i would want to show that person my repayment plan and my intention not to be a liability to them.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 20:00

Why do you think he emailed me all his adoption papers etc yesterday? I didn't ask for them.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/11/2020 20:01

God he sounds like hard work...what, you have to put him up because he was adopted?
Don’t like the sound of him...emotional blackmailer. The debt etc.

You did well to have and voice your concerns. My objective advice is to sack this one off but I know it’s not that simple when you’re in it.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 20:01

Also yesterday he was really bothered that I wasn't upset reading his adoption papers (they were sad) but then today he blindsided me by announcing he is leaving Confused

OP posts:
OwlOne · 09/11/2020 20:01

That is strange. Are you supposed to overlook his debt because ..... he was adopted?? 🤔

OwlOne · 09/11/2020 20:03

Oh sorry. I thought he emailed them to you.
It's sad he had an uncertain start in life but does he want you to see him as a victim?

pictish · 09/11/2020 20:06

Ach no. He’s a manipulative bastard. Ugh.

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/11/2020 20:10

Adoption paper were a bid for sympathy - to get you to back off about your concerns and say you understood the debt and non-committal in light of his upbringing. To make you think you were a big meany and want to protect him and give him the unconditional love he didn't get as a child - ie move him in, mother him and allow him to be a manchild to make up for his past. To make you feel guilty for questioning him. Didn't work so he's moved the manipulation up to maximum.

LastRoloIsMine · 09/11/2020 20:11

Because he's making sure he's covered all basis.

He was getting the sympathy poor me vote with the adoption papers. Also you will trust him more that hes chosen you to share that with. Bet he told you he's never shown them to any other girlfriend Hmm

Then he announces he's moving so that you do the puck me dance. Then when he decides to stay for you, you will be so grateful you will overlook the fact he's a freeloading twat.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/11/2020 20:13

He wanted to freeload off you.

You weren't playing ball.

The adoption papers were to make you feel sorry for him. It obviously didn't work.

Why send you the link to his new tenancy? Is he trying to upset you?
He's likely hoping you beg him to stay at your place.

AdaColeman · 09/11/2020 20:16

He sent you the adoption papers to get your sympathy vote.

He’s hoping you will feel so sorry for him that you will help to pay off his debts and let him live with you free of charge, after all, how could you not want to help this poor kid?!

BlueJava · 09/11/2020 20:21

The adoption papers were for sympathy for sure. I know you are hurt at the moment but to be honest if he's in debt and having performance issues at work I wouldn't be interested in him. I think my lucky stars and run!

Otherwise you're saddled with supporting him all your life, bearing his work drama when "something else goes wrong" that he probably think isn't his fault. Best get rid and find someone you don't have to bail out at regular intervals - you're worth more than that.