Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Boyfriend moving out of the blue, so upset

126 replies

PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 18:55

I'm a single mum, been seeing a man for nearly two years. All was going well, we were making plans in the summer for a future together, to live together next year etc. We would talk/message every day, stay at each others twice a week when we both didn't have our kids.

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts, as basically he has performance issues at work, has debts to pay off and I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to commit. I hoped he may step up, reassure me and get back to the point we were in the summer where we were planning a life together.

Instead, this morning he text me he has decided to move to another part of the country (2 hours away) as its cheaper and I was the only reason he was staying here, now he is off he said he loved me etc but he couldn't have a future with me for financial reasons (his debt etc).

I sent him a message, phoned him several times but all he has ignored.

I am in shock, I know it wasn't a marriage or anything (been there, done that..) but all I can think is he wasn't really in love with me, maybe he was cheating or something, to visit houses in another part of the country and sign a tenancy agreement then tell me after

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 10/11/2020 18:55

To be honest, if he realised the relationship couldn't go anywhere while he was in debt along with hisother issues, he was within his rights to move away.

Especially if as he said, you were the reason he lived in the area. Him moving doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he has realised he can't get himself in a better financial position.

You were absolutely right to raise your concerns with him.

I agree that the adoption papers were an attempt to get sympathy....especially as he's not shared that information with you before.

Him being adopted could definitely be a contributory factor for the way he is and his struggles, but you can't be responsible for that.

Original poster

PercyPiglet1 · 10/11/2020 19:08

Thanks all. I'm slightly over the shock, but some of his behaviour still feels a mystery. The house he is due to be renting is MORE expensive than the flat he had here, it is bigger, but seems a really odd choice. Part of me wonders if there is another woman involved, as the move doesn't seem logical - yes he would be closer to his teenage kids but he's been here for several years and his work is here.

For PP who said I was being materialistic, far from it. I would like a man who pulls his weight and this one seemed to get into debt easily and when having performance issues at work seemed fairly disinterested in addressing. I'm a single parent working FT, I can't support more than my kids and I!

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 10/11/2020 19:14

Hi OP. Stop thinking about the flat. He's not renting it. Trust me, been here got the tshirt. It's just an elaborate hoax.

You probably are struggling to process it because you're not a dick and wouldn't treat others in this way.

He's a dick. You deserve better

keeponspinning · 10/11/2020 19:18

There's a book on attachment issues in romantic relationships called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It may explain some of the push-pull behaviour he is exhibiting.

Thehop · 10/11/2020 19:38

Please reread @picklemewalnuts post.

NettleTea · 10/11/2020 19:46

he may even have picked a more expensive rental to send you the link of, simply to force you to question it, and get drawn into his arguments.

As others say, its quite possible to go onto an estate agents website and some will show you properties taht have recently been let too, I think they leave them up there until its all done and dusted in case it falls through with all the checks they make. And to prove to potential homeowners how good they are at getting stuff let.

LilyLongJohn · 10/11/2020 20:00

I have two theories.

First one, and it's the one o think is more likely is that there is no new lease, he's trying to scare you back into your box so that you'll let him move in, rent free and you 'keep' him in the financial sense

Or the second one is that he really is crap with financial budgeting and the rent might be higher, but because of his financial shitness he's gone for it anyway - which actually proves for initial thought on him.

So either way it's proved to you that you've dodged a bullet

billy1966 · 10/11/2020 22:48

OP,

You are not the least bit materialistic.

What you are is a responsible parent protecting her home and children.

Only a foolish woman moves in a waster who haszero ambition and debt.

Christ, who cares what he's like, who needs someone who can't pay their way.

Your have children to support and protect.

Well done for seeing the wood from trees and calliing it as you see it.

CupoTeap · 11/11/2020 07:08

Wow he's really trying isn't he.

Now you say you are o er the shock, look at the facts. When someone tells you who there are, listen.

OwlOne · 11/11/2020 08:09

@LilyLongJohn i agree, a lot of men will try and train a girlfriend to have no needs to not expect anything, to know better than to try and compromise.

It works a lot of the time. Girlfriends are scared of losing these jackasses. When you arent scared of being alone, nobody can train you.

I dumped a guy for training me about 6 yrs ago. He was so shocked and said he should have seen the red flags!!! We had agreed he couldnt stay over. So there were no red flags for him to see. Made me wonder if somebody had said it to him.

Original poster

PercyPiglet1 · 16/11/2020 08:03

Bit of an update. After my initial upset and asking him to stay, I backed right off and left him to make himself happy. He started contacting me asking to meet, so I saw him Saturday night.

He told me he is best friends with a woman who lives 20 minutes from his new house (I knew they were friends but didn't know they were so close ). She is married with young children, they used to live close to me but recently moved. So it looks like he is moving to be near them and I'm seriously far down his list of importance.

He said he knew I loved him and wanted to be with him still etc that's why he waited to tell me after he had committed to the move, he knew I'd persuade him to stay otherwise.

I find it disconcerting that after two years with me he announces this amazing female best friend, even if he is also friends with her husband, moving to be close to them feels really odd in 40s! It feels very hurtful to me, I would have thought I'd be his best female friend after two years.

He is leaving this week, it is a genuine move.

OP posts:

Infinitethings · 16/11/2020 08:19

Ha that’s not a best friend. There’s an affair brewing at the very least.

seensome · 16/11/2020 08:28

It's probably best you try and move on without him, don't meet him anymore, there's no future in the relationship as he's moved away.
Don't in anyway feel jealous of the ow, whether or not there's anything to it leave him to it, you should of course be the number one woman to your man so don't accept anything less anyway.

Dontbeme · 16/11/2020 08:33

So this guy has moved two hours away to be closer to a female "friend" and her kids, but not to be closer to his own kids? He has moved two hours away from his job to be closer to this woman? OP you have dodged a very large, very messed up bullet here. Count your lucky stars to have him out of your life.

PerfidiousAlbion · 16/11/2020 08:52

It doesnt sound like he had any feelings for you, he just saw you as a financial opportunity.

She’s his next target

You had a lucky escape.

billy1966 · 16/11/2020 09:13

OP,

Goodness knows what the real truth of this story is.

You certainly don't have it, that's clear.

He is utterly untrustworthy and is looking after his own interests in every decision.

Your insticts were so good to protect your home and family.

Be very proud of yourself.

I appreciate it must be very hard to take all of this in and try and move forward but it really is the only way.

I honestly don't believe you knew the true person as he has been always calculating the best case scenario for his future at your expense.

The moment he knew that you weren't going to fall in with his plans, he was moving on.....to his next mark.

Wishing you well.

forrestgreen · 16/11/2020 09:29

He's lining her up, you are well rid

mamakena · 16/11/2020 10:23

The problem is our inability to cut loose these puppies . . .on page 1 of this thread it was crystal clear you need to bin the idiot ... but here it's page 5 you're still wringing your hands oh, why did he do this, that? Another woman? of course dear you're with a narcissist...they always lie, cheat and triangulate. It's who he is. Now you're playing perfectly into his manipulations like a champ...

You are a parent. Focus on your kids needs not your little emotional dramas.

if you dont block him once for all, the pain that will ensue is 100% on you.

Original poster

PercyPiglet1 · 16/11/2020 14:35

@dontbeme that's right, he will be closer to his kids as well, but that doesn't seem to be the main reason, when I asked he didn't say he would see them more.

@mamakena

@billy1966 thanks, I agree I dont know the full picture, all I know is you don't choose to move two hours from someone you love if you want a relationship with them.

@mamakena thanks I know I have been naive and he has now shown me who he is. It has been a real awakening, I guess the 'selling point' of someone like this is how loving they can present themselves, even today he has been texting, answerphone message, email asking to meet at short notice, whilst simultaneously booking moving vans My phone is off now and I will be off to work later

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 16/11/2020 15:05

I don't believe him. We are moving into a rental apartment and it's taken two weeks to sort out despite my references being really good and quick. If he is in debt and the job is shaky where has the deposit come from?

He had designs on living with you and you paying for everything. You quite rightly didn't want that so he made up a ridiculous story to panic you and bring you to heel.

I would block him. Let another woman be his mug

Original poster

PercyPiglet1 · 16/11/2020 15:30

@user1471538283 his parents paid his deposit apparently

OP posts:

thisisnotus · 16/11/2020 16:05

You don't have to figure out the truth of what's going on with him. What's important is that you're rid of him. Cut contact now. Don't meet up, don't message back. No response IS a response, and it's your right one now.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/11/2020 17:41

@thisisnotus

This exactly

TwentyViginti · 16/11/2020 17:48

[quote PercyPiglet1]@user1471538283 his parents paid his deposit apparently[/quote]
Oh there's a surprise - not.

You won't bankroll him so someone has to

KatySun · 16/11/2020 21:40

That is crazy! He has designs on another man’s wife, if he is not having an affair already (and it is a bit stalkerish to move to be closer to her if they are not), and he did not tell you he was moving because he thought you would persuade him to stay. How big is this man’s ego? Oh dear oh dear.

Onwards and upwards

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6