Boyfriend moving out of the blue, so upset

[PercyPiglet1]

I'm a single mum, been seeing a man for nearly two years. All was going well, we were making plans in the summer for a future together, to live together next year etc. We would talk/message every day, stay at each others twice a week when we both didn't have our kids.

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts, as basically he has performance issues at work, has debts to pay off and I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to commit. I hoped he may step up, reassure me and get back to the point we were in the summer where we were planning a life together.

Instead, this morning he text me he has decided to move to another part of the country (2 hours away) as its cheaper and I was the only reason he was staying here, now he is off he said he loved me etc but he couldn't have a future with me for financial reasons (his debt etc).

I sent him a message, phoned him several times but all he has ignored.

I am in shock, I know it wasn't a marriage or anything (been there, done that..) but all I can think is he wasn't really in love with me, maybe he was cheating or something, to visit houses in another part of the country and sign a tenancy agreement then tell me after

Yes they wait til a month after you have movrd in b4 they update the site

Well, 2 weeks ago, you told him you had doubts about him because he had debts and problems at work, and now he's leaving, so I can't see the problem? You don't seem to like him anyway.

Just ignore him and move on.

He’s behaviour’s not perfect but you were manipulative as well. You brought up his debts so he could “reassure” you. What reassurance were you expecting exactly ?

Seriously OP, imagine 5 years time if you take him back. You're Iiving together.
Is he pulling his weight around the house, doing equal share of cooking, cleaning? Something bad happens and you need him to step up, does he?
I think you know the answer.
He sounds like a massive loser to be brutally honest. Get rid ASAP and move on to someone infinitely better!

Just let it go.

You told him there was no future while he was debt ridden. He needs to move somewhere cheaper and probably to change job in order to sort it out. No point in him hanging around. As for him contacting you, perhaps he genuinely is upset at the end of the relationship. People do have longer distance relationships, sometimes they work sometimes they don't. Stick to your guns, he won't be debt free over night or while staying somewhere he may not be able to afford, you have no room, don't offer to help with his debts, definitely don't do anything jointly.

Wish him well, let him move on and sort himself out. You may have done him a favour. If he manages to clear his debts and sort out his work he'll be in a better place to find someone and have a relationship without being called a cocklodger. At the same time you can also move on. Try not to dwell on it.

Walk away!!! You know what you want in life and no one here has told you that you are being unreasonable in your expectations - even he realises that! He’s just playing a twatty game with you - it doesn’t seem based on what you want in your life that he’s the right person.

Unless you want to take on his debt? But also then take on his emotional manipulation. You seem really switched on OP don’t let him pull the wool over your eyes with his game playing especially when you’ve called him out on it!

@GreenlandTheMovie

Well, 2 weeks ago, you told him you had doubts about him because he had debts and problems at work, and now he's leaving, so I can't see the problem? You don't seem to like him anyway.

Just ignore him and move on.

Exactly. I don't really understand why you're so upset, OP. He's no prince, for sure, but you were done with him weeks ago.

Offer to meet up at his old place so you can drop his things off, you dont mind if it's a mess, he is moving after all!

Then say a fond farewell and be done with him. He's a wannabe cocklodging wanker.

I can't understand why the man is getting all the blame here. The OP has basically told him she doesnt see a future with him because he's not wealthy enough for her. It might be honest and sensible but it's materialistic.

The guy is probably upset and looking for solutions for himself.

Niw he's being accused of wanting to come back and being a cocklodger?

Does the OP (who really diesnt seem to like him at all) want him or not? He seems to be doing what she wanted to ie improve his financial situation and not move in with her. What else is he meant to do?

I can't understand why the man is getting all the blame here. The OP has basically told him she doesnt see a future with him because he's not wealthy enough for her.

This.

I think he's probably into significantly more debt than he's letting on. This might be why he's panicking and cranking up the pressure on you.

Do not fall for this, OP.

@Cavagirl

Seriously OP, imagine 5 years time if you take him back. You're Iiving together. Is he pulling his weight around the house, doing equal share of cooking, cleaning? Something bad happens and you need him to step up, does he? I think you know the answer. He sounds like a massive loser to be brutally honest. Get rid ASAP and move on to someone infinitely better!

Crystal ball at work?

Seriously OP 10 years on and he's in jail for mass murder. dodged the bullet there!

Or

30 years on the children have left home and have good careers, you have a nice house in the country and are off together on a world cruise, happy as anything.

Imagine what you want if it makes you happy and enables you to cope. The end of a relationship is difficult, it'll take time, try not to dwell on it.

Sounds like you touched a raw nerve by confronting him with the way he manages his finances. I don't think it is right to condemn people who are in debt to immediately being cocklodgers, but there are red flags you have raised. The moving 2 hours away (not that distance should be a massive issue as you could have transitioned to a LDR) so quickly is just a massive dollies out of the pram tantrum. He clearly lacks the emotional maturity to sit down with you and discuss a future properly.

Whilst he may have debts and work issues, they are issues which are surmountable. However if he has a track record of financial mismanagement, then you are right to confront that. I've been in 2 relationships with men who were financially irresponsible and vowed never to get together with someone who was heavily in debt or didn't have a handle on their finances.

I see no issue with you wanting this too. Ignore those who think you are equating this to him not being wealthy enough. He could earn £100k and still not manage his finances well enough to be heavily in debt and have a careless attitude to debt. He could be on minimum wage and be living within his means with a good handle on how he manages his money - I know which one I would prefer to be with!

Either way, it does sound there is nothing to salvage. Let him move away.

Haven't read the full thread, so this may have been mentioned elsewhere....

He has made his decision apparently, said he thought I didn't want him etc that's why he's signed a tenancy agreement elsewhere.

How? In order to get my tenancy, I had to demonstrate that I had financial reserves to cover 2 months rent - my notice period. How, with all that debt, is he going to pass the credit checks? Unless his parents have been fool enough to be his guarantors.

It would be easy to search for a flat that fits his description and send you the details with "let agreed" on it. And he's been bloody quick too.

Nah, I don't believe it.

I can't understand why the man is getting all the blame here. The OP has basically told him she doesnt see a future with him because he's not wealthy enough for her.

I dont agree
She told him that their plans for the future were untenable whilst he had debts and work problems, and I think thats fair enough.
Maybe she has watched him being irresponsible / expect others to pick up after him / finance him. He has history - the circumstances around his debts come from borrowing money from his parents - who he cut off until they offered money again

I suggest that she wanted to hear what he was going to do to address these issues more than a 'get some money or fuck off' discussion. You know, like adults have.

If he had said 'well, Im going to really pull my socks up at work when I go back, and am doing X,Y,Z to address the debt' then they could have moved forward. He has already tried to get her to allow him to move in. Debt is one thing. But debt with a bad attitude to work and a side helping of emotional manipulation and expectation of being 'looked after' is another.

what are people suggesting - she lets him move in and pay no rent, so he can pay off his debts. And then when he gets the sack, she should support him?

I think the majority have spotted the MO of the boyfriend here - he is looking for someone to provide and mother him. He didnt leave 2 weeks ago at the point of the discussion, he is looking for ways to get what he wants. He used emotional blackmail to try to get her to feel pity for him, and overlook these issues, just sweep them asside because, issues. He sent her a link to this new property (which I believe is a lie for the many reasons stated upthread). He WANTS her to be upset. And now he is trying to make her realise how difficult seeing him will be - AND ITS ALL HER FAULT because she asked him to sort the problem out. He probably cant believe she didnt roll over and take a nururing role when he waved those papers.

He is behaving manipulatively, not maturely. You say there are cheaper places nearby, so no need for the drama of a 2 hr distance away. There was no need to wave the adoption certificate - I mean WTF was that. He is really wanting you to take the role of caretaker for him, with himself as the eternal victim

If you are still in touch, reply with a warm supportive message:

'I'm so glad you were able to find a suitable property. I was upset at first that you'd taken such a big step without talking to me, but it's really clarified our situation. It's good that you are being proactive in sorting out your work and finance situation. I'm sure the kids will appreciate seeing more of you. I hope everything goes well and wish you every happiness.'

See how he reacts. I think he'll be shocked that you are happy to let him move on, and will ramp up some 'I wish I didn't have to do this, I don't know if I can live without you' type stuff.

Brilliant advice from Picklemewalnuts!

He's not actually done any of that though NettleTea has he?

If my boyfriend told he was dissatisfied with the relationship because I wasn't wealthy enough for him, depending on my personality, I'd be either upset, or tell him to take a running jump. Most people are a bit soft at heart and get upset at things lije that, so I think the limited messaging is excusable. It's certainly not abusive and the OP doesn't come across as in the slightest way manipulated.

It's just a relationship ending, for a valid reason. But the OP initiated it.

Well to be fair OP, you told the man he wasn't a viable option for you because basically he was a financial drain and you want someone not in debt/better off etc, and so can't have a future with him. Given that he IS in debt, it's fairly clear what you've said. I'd leave as well, if I were him. Why stick around for someone who has literally said they don't see a future because of something about you that presumably isn't changing anytime soon.

With that said he separately sounds troubled and emotionally problematic as well as a poor communicator (as are you, it seems). Perhaps the adoption papers were a ploy, perhaps he was trying to explain in his own mind why he is having problems with rejection from you and life generally. Nobody here knows him.

Given you basically dumped him and don't want him given his debt (fair enough), and he has moved, I'd just leave it and accept that there seem to have been a lot of underlying issues. Wish him well with his move and attempt to start moving on.

Buy him a nice potted plant for his new home.

You realise you were supposed to go no no no don't leave me, you can move into my house and I'll give you a free roof and help with your debt. 😂 Thank God you aren't stupid or desperate to fall for the con!

You're well rid!

would you tell him to go fuck himself based on the fact he has committed to move without even bothering to talk to me first?
No. I wouldn't stoop to that level.

His opening line in his message about it was 'I know you are going to be upset but..'
My message to him would be "I was a bit surprised but never mind. I hope you'll be really happy in your new home. It looks great."
I would then never contact him again. Just move on. He's not the one for you.

@PercyPiglet1

I think he has got a new tenancy in another area as he sent a link to it and it says 'let agreed'.

It is so surreal, as just yesterday he sent me copies of all his childhood adoption papers (he lived in a children's home then adopted). He said this was why he struggles with confrontation. Then today he has committed to leaving me for good.

OP it doesnt mean the let has been agreed with him, surely you realise that? Someone else could have agreed to let it (most likely scenario in fact, considering his debt issues) and he's just forwarded the link, passing it off to look like it's him who's agreed the let. All the things you've mentioned look like manipulation tactics designed to guilt trip you into funding his lifestyle of financial irresponsibility. Whether it's true or not that he's leaving the area, run like the wind away from him or he will sink you and your kids into a financial black hole. The more you fund him/his share, the less there will be for your kids - is that what you want?

@picklemewalnuts

If you are still in touch, reply with a warm supportive message:

'I'm so glad you were able to find a suitable property. I was upset at first that you'd taken such a big step without talking to me, but it's really clarified our situation. It's good that you are being proactive in sorting out your work and finance situation. I'm sure the kids will appreciate seeing more of you. I hope everything goes well and wish you every happiness.'

See how he reacts. I think he'll be shocked that you are happy to let him move on, and will ramp up some 'I wish I didn't have to do this, I don't know if I can live without you' type stuff.

This with bells on.

Super message @picklemewalnuts👏

I don't believe for a second he has gotten a tenancy.

There is no alternative universe where he is different, he was always this guy. Although his decision may have blindsided you, his behaviour can’t have been a great surprise.

The only way you could have ‘kept’ him was by agreeing to let him be a cock lodger.

Grieve for the man you’d hope he’d become but deep down you knew he could never be. Ultimately your self respect saved you from wasting more of your time.