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Original poster

Boyfriend moving out of the blue, so upset

126 replies

PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 18:55

I'm a single mum, been seeing a man for nearly two years. All was going well, we were making plans in the summer for a future together, to live together next year etc. We would talk/message every day, stay at each others twice a week when we both didn't have our kids.

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts, as basically he has performance issues at work, has debts to pay off and I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to commit. I hoped he may step up, reassure me and get back to the point we were in the summer where we were planning a life together.

Instead, this morning he text me he has decided to move to another part of the country (2 hours away) as its cheaper and I was the only reason he was staying here, now he is off Sad he said he loved me etc but he couldn't have a future with me for financial reasons (his debt etc).

I sent him a message, phoned him several times Blush but all he has ignored.

I am in shock, I know it wasn't a marriage or anything (been there, done that..) but all I can think is he wasn't really in love with me, maybe he was cheating or something, to visit houses in another part of the country and sign a tenancy agreement then tell me after Sad

OP posts:
nosswith · 09/11/2020 20:29

I think he is a coward for not phoning you, but probably it is the best thing for you if he could not commit and was trying perhaps to get you to bail him out financially.

BigFatLiar · 09/11/2020 20:42

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts, as basically he has performance issues at work, has debts to pay off and I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to commit. I hoped he may step up, reassure me and get back to the point we were in the summer where we were planning a life together.

So you basically told him you didn't think the relationship was gong anywhere in the hope he'd buck up his ideas and be the person you wanted. Instead he took the view that if the relationship was going nowhere he may as well move on. On the positive side he may be in a better position to pay of his debts if the new area is cheaper which is one of the factors you were concerned about so he is stepping up in that way.

No idea why he'd send the documents when you'd told him it was in effect over. Perhaps he was just trying to sort out in himself what was causing him to get it so wrong and thought you might be there for him. Bit pointless when you've both decided to move on.

BigFatLiar · 09/11/2020 20:46

Following on from other peoples comments, did he actually ask you to help pay off his debts?

Flutter12 · 09/11/2020 21:09

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts,

If someone said this to me I would be re-evaluating the relationship too. He may have just realised you’re not right for each other.

But seeing as you had doubts any way then although it is sad you know it’s for the best.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 21:15

He never asked me to pay off his debts, but he had previously suggested that he could get a mortgage too (I have a flat with a mortgage) so the plan had been to buy together in the future.

Then it turned out he has work issues, there is no way he could get a mortgage etc, has zero savings and actually debt.

A few weeks ago he had 'cheekily' mentioned he could move into my flat a couple of times, I said not an option, no space and I have my dc to consider, we either get a place 50:50 or stay living apart.

So he has decided to leave, out of the blue. I dont think you move 1h 30m away if you love someone Confused there are plenty of 'cheaper' properties to rent in a 30 minute radius.

OP posts:
Henrietty · 09/11/2020 21:20

Yeah, he’s chatting shit. He knows you have doubts and is realising his freeloading ways aren’t working out the way he hoped. He’s now pulling off some desperate moves to try and guilt trip you into begging him back. If you take him back, he’ll carry on freeloading and every time you call him out on it, he’ll throw it back in your face but saying you begged him to stay, he was going to move away etc etc.

Stay strong. Let him go to his new rented place and stop contact. As he gets more desperate, he’ll try anything you guilt you in to taking him back.

Cloudtraffic · 09/11/2020 21:27

Distance isn’t issue - many couples make it work if the relationship is right one - it’s in his playbook to try and get you onside. Block any correspondence and move on OP

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 21:28

OK so he phoned me. He has made his decision apparently, said he thought I didn't want him etc that's why he's signed a tenancy agreement elsewhere. At the same time he said he knew I'd be really upset by this Confused he said he is sorry, he won't contact me unless I contact him.

He is giving some very odd and mixed messages.

OP posts:
ProstheticConscience · 09/11/2020 21:28

If all he's sent you as proof of moving is a link to a let agreed property then that isn't concrete evidence. Anyone can do a search on rightmove for let agreed properties. That coupled with the adoption papers move yesterday suggests to me that he's trying to manipulate you.
Really sorry that he's putting you through this, but the reason it doesn't make sense is probably because the person you're dealing with isn't playing a fair straight game here,

ProstheticConscience · 09/11/2020 21:30

Also, if he has debt issues, how has he managed to get a tenancy agreement signed up, as usually there's a credit check. Doesn't sound right to me.

Scarydinosaurs · 09/11/2020 21:33

Block his number to protect yourself.

This isn’t how adults conduct relationships

Dozer · 09/11/2020 21:38

Don’t contact him! Let it go

ThatsAllFolks · 09/11/2020 21:44

Cocklodger alert. I had one like this. Before I knew it I was giving him all my spending money each month whilst he retaining gym n sky sports. Performance issues.at work. Any attempt to discuss was countered by his mh issues and my failure to understand him such that he cdnt talk to be about them. My son went to uni, I pointed out I would b needing to fund my son at uni , cocklodger disappeared over the horizon at speed. Leaving me v upset such.was the cunning nature of his cocklodgery

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 21:45

@ProstheticConscience I dont know either. I know £10k of debt is to his parents, I assume as he has been renting a few years and has a job that's how he got the tenancy despite debt.

I know he cut off his parents for a few years in the past, so he has form for hurting people. Then he let them back in and they gave him a load of money.

OP posts:
Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 21:47

@ThatsAllFolks sorry that happened to you. I had thought by being clear i expected 50:50 from the start that was fair. But instead of stepping up he just left. It seems the only way he would have stayed was if I had moved him in Hmm

OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 09/11/2020 21:55

U setting expectations was seen as a starting point for manoeuvring. Ignore all the hooks to reel u in.take care

Swaning · 09/11/2020 22:01

Interesting update re money.

I worked with an adopted lady. She was probably the most money orientated person I have ever come across in life.
I think this was because its is what she equated with value / love. She expected endlessy expesive gifts from her boyfriend. Money was everything.
Its interesting he cut his parents off owing them thousands but let them back when they were willing to give him yet more money.

If you loved him, you would allow him to freeload off you. That is how his mind is working. Money is love to him.
Do not fall into the trap.

Flutter12 · 09/11/2020 22:07

OP I think you need to block and delete his number.
He has decided to move and you already said you had your doubts. It’s done. If you carry on talking to each other it’s just going to drag on.

Techway · 09/11/2020 22:07

He is running away from job issues and you..why, because you asked him to step up.

He might be a man on the outside but inside he is a small boy. You stood up for what you need which is mature and sensible but he can't match you. It is sad and a shock but he isn't capable of what you need. Better to find out now and not in 10 years.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 22:21

@Techway thats a good point about the job. At the moment he is wfh, but in a few months he would be due back at work with is 20 mins from me but 2 hours from his new place. So presumably he is planning to quit, they have been trying to move him on due to performance issues.

@swaning that is interesting. I'm pretty sure if I'd been able/willing to help him financially he would have stayed.

Ultimately you don't move so far from someone you 'love'.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 09/11/2020 22:27

Oh god OP, be really careful! Unless you are now incredibly clear (both to him and in your own head) that it's over this could drag on and on and you will be the one who will regret it.

He sounds like a narcissistic manipulator. You have questioned him, so now he is in attack mode, manipulating you, punishing you and trying to confuse you, so you will question whether you were wrong to doubt the relationship. But it looks like you aren't falling for it which is brilliant. Run a mile!

Cloudtraffic · 09/11/2020 22:31

Harsh as it is you said it here OP:

Ultimately you don't move so far from someone you 'love'.

He may have lived you at one point but he doesn’t now - please move on and don’t waste more time on him. Block!

HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 22:34

Is he leaving children behind?

Agree with the others about dodging the cocklodging bullet.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 22:55

@HollowTalk his children live closer to his new place than where we live at the moment. But he has lived here six years and his children are teenagers, so no idea why he has done this out of the blue.

Now he has said I can visit him/him visit me, but I dont believe you commit to moving so far away if you love someone, without even discussing it with them. What a mess he is making of my head.

OP posts:
pergnet · 09/11/2020 23:11

Please, please let him go!