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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend moving out of the blue, so upset

126 replies

PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 18:55

I'm a single mum, been seeing a man for nearly two years. All was going well, we were making plans in the summer for a future together, to live together next year etc. We would talk/message every day, stay at each others twice a week when we both didn't have our kids.

Two weeks ago I told him I had doubts, as basically he has performance issues at work, has debts to pay off and I wasn't sure he was ever going to be able to commit. I hoped he may step up, reassure me and get back to the point we were in the summer where we were planning a life together.

Instead, this morning he text me he has decided to move to another part of the country (2 hours away) as its cheaper and I was the only reason he was staying here, now he is off Sad he said he loved me etc but he couldn't have a future with me for financial reasons (his debt etc).

I sent him a message, phoned him several times Blush but all he has ignored.

I am in shock, I know it wasn't a marriage or anything (been there, done that..) but all I can think is he wasn't really in love with me, maybe he was cheating or something, to visit houses in another part of the country and sign a tenancy agreement then tell me after Sad

OP posts:
Muchadoaboutlife · 09/11/2020 23:16

He’s manipulating you. It’s classic diversion. Look at what’s happened. You’ve slowly uncovered performance issues with his work, then debt and suddenly he’s moving and all this drama! It’s all designed to get you to overlook the truth of his situation. You started off thinking you’d move in together and get a mortgage! Now you’ve found out facts that mean that can’t happen unless you let him through the door. He’s trying to push you into letting him move in. This is line in the sand time. You let him move in or he’ll move two hours away. This is very extreme and concerning behaviour from him. He’s manipulative, weird and deceitful. You should just block him and find somebody honest

grapewine · 09/11/2020 23:17

You clearly dodged a bullet. But generally, why would anyone stay in a relationship why the other person expresses doubt?

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 09/11/2020 23:19

I would offer to pay some of his debts to see what he says. If he’s after your money or not.

billy1966 · 09/11/2020 23:22

@Muchadoaboutlife

He’s manipulating you. It’s classic diversion. Look at what’s happened. You’ve slowly uncovered performance issues with his work, then debt and suddenly he’s moving and all this drama! It’s all designed to get you to overlook the truth of his situation. You started off thinking you’d move in together and get a mortgage! Now you’ve found out facts that mean that can’t happen unless you let him through the door. He’s trying to push you into letting him move in. This is line in the sand time. You let him move in or he’ll move two hours away. This is very extreme and concerning behaviour from him. He’s manipulative, weird and deceitful. You should just block him and find somebody honest
This OP.

Diversionary tactics.

You are being played.

You have boundaries.👏👏👏

Wasters like him hate boundaries.

He is wasting your time.

Let him off.

Flowers
Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 23:32

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls that would be an interesting experiment Grin I wonder what he would say if I offered to pay his debt. I dont think I have the courage to offer then reject that one.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 09/11/2020 23:34

I would block him. Reason all this is about playing you.

He us messing with your head. You need space to get your head together.

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 23:34

I guess it is a win win situation for him. If I agree to keep seeing him after he moves then he has lost nothing but may get to keep me in future. If I let him go then he finds someone else.

OP posts:
WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 09/11/2020 23:39

He finds someone else to try and freeload from and manipulate, let him.

You said yourself you cant live with him as it will never be 50:50, now hes off to find someone else who has low self esteem and allow him to live rent free.

Hes a manipulator and a cocklodger.

I would rather be on my own than be anywhere near this arsehole.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 09/11/2020 23:39

Grow a pair, pick up your self esteem and tell him to go fuck himself

Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 23:43

Yes it made no sense, it seems my options were to let him live with me and dc when there is no space for him, or he wanted to rent somewhere together, which would have meant moving my dc from their home and me losing my mortgage, it made no financial sense for me. He said he could get a mortgage in the past but I don't think he could, based on what he told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PercyPiglet1 · 09/11/2020 23:47

@WithLotsOfSprinkles0 would you tell him to go fuck himself based on the fact he has committed to move without even bothering to talk to me first? His opening line in his message about it was 'I know you are going to be upset but..'

I know I couldn't do that to someone.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 09/11/2020 23:49

He'll soon find someone less savvy than you to finance him, sadly.

thisldo · 10/11/2020 00:28

Wow. He's managed to decide to move and secure a tenancy all in one day. Hmmmm I think he may be lying.

PurpleTrilby · 10/11/2020 02:39

Look, he never loved you. He was and is still angling to move in to your house. You're a meal ticket to him, that's it. I'm sorry but that's clear as day.

Sorehandsandfeet · 10/11/2020 04:11

My guess would be that he is not planning on going anywhere. He is pulling out all the stops so that you beg him to move in with you.
The adoption papers were a low blow and designed to make you feel sorry for him and excuse all his issues that you, quite rightly have issues with.
I could never be with someone who treated his parents that way. I think that's despicable. Money before love is his priority.
If he is in debt, how is he getting a tenancy? I would take that picture with pinch of salt, he's hoping he will never have to prove it as you will have bent to his will before then.
He's using you and manipulating you, thats not love.
Please keep your boundaries with him. If he can't respect them let him go

Lampan · 10/11/2020 04:45

Yes @Sorehandsandfeet I agree he’s not planning on going anywhere. You watch OP, his ‘move’ will fall through for some reason. Ideally block him so he can’t continue to manipulate you.
Think about it for a second; sending you the ‘tenancy agreement’ or whatever it was is very weird. If he was actually moving I don’t think he would feel the need to do that. If it was a done deal there would be no point trying to manipulate you into begging him to change his mind - if he wanted a clean break he’d just get on with it. This is just another tactic for him. Stay strong and disengage.
He’s probably feeling desperate cos he thought he had a meal ticket and realised that he didn’t. If he has no savings and lots of debt of course he can’t get a mortgage, probably not a tenancy either.

Nailgirl · 10/11/2020 04:57

Please listen to yourself. He was looking for a house, money etc not a relationship - one that is based on honesty and being partners. Block him and go silent. Sooner or later he will be in touch ‘I can’t move away I really love you’ line and then if you take him back - that’s it - he will be wanting to move in as ‘I stayed for you. I’ve given my notice’ etc it’s a pile a crock with maybe one or two truths in to sucker you back in

Wyntersdiary · 10/11/2020 05:38

wow this sounds massively dramatic :S move on because hes pulling you along

Dontletitbeyou · 10/11/2020 05:39

Was going to say I reckon he’s done jack shit with regards to moving . There will most likely be a reason in the next day or so why the ‘ move’ can’t go ahead . Why send you his adoption papers one day , then tell you he’s signed up to rent somewhere else the next . I agree with the opinion that he’ll tell you he couldn’t leave because he loves you and wants to work it out .
You most likely didn’t give him the reaction he wanted , from you seeing those papers .
You say he suggested several times that he move in with you , lol , I’m sure he did . That would sort his problems out nicely wouldn’t it .
He’s a manipulative man , who really doesn’t care about you in any meaningful sense . He cares enough to try and get you to take care of him , help pay off his debts , then no doubt fuck you off when you’ve outlived your usefulness . Sorry that sounds harsh , but I reckon it’s what would happen
He’s also told you he could get a mortgage in the past , knowing he’s in debt . Do you know how hard it is to get a mortgage while you are in debt , it’s virtually impossible. He must know this , so he’s not just manipulative, he’s a liar too . If he loved you , he’d be straight up , all cards on the table , and he’d be fighting to work something out , not moving , or telling you he is , 2 hours away . It’s bollocks
He’s a headfuck , he knows it’s a matter of time till you welcome him back as long as he keeps working his nonsense on you . Then it’s easy street for him .

Flutter12 · 10/11/2020 06:27

You clearly dodged a bullet. But generally, why would anyone stay in a relationship why the other person expresses doubt?

I agree.

WhenInDoubtSmileandPout · 10/11/2020 06:58

Another vote here re him lying about his tenancy. It's pretty much impossible to get a tenancy agreement sorted in 24 hours - you need to run checks, pay your deposit, etc. Plus there's no way the property ad would be updated in the website in that time. I rent a flat out and know what I'm talking about.

He's told you that to a) add drama (and this is a pattern when you think about the adoption papers) and b) to make you beg for him.

Both reasons would annoy me massively because the underlying assumption is, basically, that you can be manipulated easily. I also agree to the cocklodgery argument.

You are an intelligent woman. Take back control. Do not settle for someone like this.

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/11/2020 07:05

I agree with other PPs: he's completely playing you.

Sending a link to a rental property 2 hrs away that says "Let Agreed"? It's weird. He could just have said I'm moving to x, didn't have to send a link.
He wants you to panic about not seeing him again and relent on letting him live with you, that's why. Sending you adoption papers? That is to get you to feel sorry for him and give him a home. I suspect he may be in a bit more trouble financially or jobwise than you know and he's trying to bounce you into giving him somewhere to live for free. (That may not be the initial agreement between you but it's what will happen). Concentrate on his actions, not what he says or doesn't say. He is not the person you need him to be.

Monty27 · 10/11/2020 07:09

He's probably cocklodging elsewhere already.
Block him and thank your lucky stars.

KatySun · 10/11/2020 07:28

Ugh, I think you need out of this one.

‘I know you are going to be upset, but...’ - you know he is messing with your emotions, right?

He wanted to move in with you and you to finance him, and now he is pretending he is moving two hours away or moving two hours a way to get you to declare and show how much you want him to stay. You honestly do not need this stress in your life.

Don’t risk your financial security and emotional well-being on this man.

gungholierthanthou · 10/11/2020 07:45

Anyone can find a "let agreed" property on rightmove and send you the link, doesn't mean it's being let to him!