Will I manage on this?

[Gatheryourtarten]

I have 3 primary dc and I’m considering leaving dh, he has a very well paid job (£160k plus) and I have a much lower paying part time job that fits more or less with the children. Prior to having the children I had a career but I stopped working for a few years.
I earn approx £700 a month. It is term time only too.
I think - based on dh having them every other weekend and one night in the week - he’d have to pay around £1k?
I’d get UC too.

I think all in it would be about £2,600? Plus child benefit which I don’t currently receive.
I have no savings, not much pension. I would get a share of the house. Dh has a large pension and about £60k in savings, maybe more.
I want as little as possible from him because that will be the least inflammatory way of splitting. He won’t want to give me anything.
Ideally I’d like to either not have a mortgage or only a small one.
Is this manageable or will I need more work? It’s hard right now to find anything more and youngest dc is only 3.

Oh and our house currently isn’t mortgaged. We own it outright. Well it’s only in his name but I don’t think that matters as we are married.

Do you have a lot of equity in your house?

Cross posted re house.

You need to get legal advice - a friend has just gone through a very messy and expensive divorce in similar circumstances. She has been awarded spousal maintenance for 4 years as well as child maintenance as she is a SAHM.

House is maybe £350k?

I’d rather not have spousal maintenance - I feel he’s paid for me for long enough.
But I also don’t want a massive standard of living drop for the children or to live hand to mouth.

How long have you been married op?

17 years.

I think you may be entitled to part of his pension, as that’s a long marriage, but not likely spousal support, as judges like a clean break now

Have you a lawyer, you need to speak to one.

I would be but I wouldn’t take it.
It’s more right now - would I be likely able to manage or do I need to find a job with more hours before I leave?

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:

Tax returns

Bank accounts

Salary slips

Savings accounts

Investments

Life insurance

Pensions

Mortgages

Debts

Assets

Get the house valued

This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds like you think it's unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Id be careful that he doesn't try for 50/50 in order to shaft you.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:

What you'd like (copy to lawyer)

What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.

Well you need to think of child care and the costs of that if you worked more

But if you get 175 k can you get a home for that price? If you can live mortgage free then you can easily survive on 2.6

Why are you so adamant you won’t go after what you’re due? A share of his pension would likely be offset by equity in the house, so for example in stead of getting 175 you’d get 275. That’s what a clean break is.

If I’m off in the holidays would he still get them 50/50 and be able to put them in childcare? That seems crazy?
Realistically I am the main caregiver. He’s not done a single nappy change, night waking, bedtime, bathtime EVER.
He works full time hours but has worked from home since before the pandemic so is largely 8.30-5.30.
He’s spent every weekend on the golf course.

I would find it very hard if he were to get them 50/50 and I actually don’t think it’s in their best interests. My oldest in particular has a shaky relationship with his dad.
I thought possibly every other weekend and one night in the week - maybe that’s unrealistic.

Please take what you are entitled to ... it's not for your benefit, it's for your children. I suspect he will be just as malicious whether you take a little or a lot, but what you are awarded will be "fair" ie properly represent your efforts over the course of your marriage. He won't be any nicer or easier to deal with if you settle for less

You should definitely be entitled to a share of the house if you are married, despite it only being in his name. Regarding whether or not you would have enough to live on, it depends on many factors like whether or not the house will be sold or whether you would remain in the house, how much maintenance your husband would pay etc. I don’t mean to pry but is your husband aware that you’re planning to leave?

Why do you not receive child benefit?

I just feel it’s his money and his pension.

I couldn’t get a house for £175 but if I got half this house plus some of the savings I could possibly find one for £200k ish.

My dh earns too much for me to receive it unless he pays it back and he didn’t want to do that.

He’s not aware, no.
He will basically be a lot lot lot better off than me, but he has remained in full time work and won’t want the split so it seens fair. Why should I get to leave and then take half?

You can more than enough survive on that amount.
However if you are used to having £160k a year it is going to be a big lifestyle adjustment for you and your DCs.

Gather paperwork as above, go see a solicitor and ask them what would be minimum you should expect and then take it from there. If he is earning 160k I would be a bit peed off if I couldn't stay in my 350k house, his mortgage raising capacity is huge and yours is not. Even if you don't get awarded all the house you can get orders that mean you can stay there until kids reach 18. Im a nosey person, but if he earns so much and you have no mortgage, where do you think all his earnings go?

Just came on to say you should claim child benefit and have him pay it back. Not claiming will impact your NI contributions and ultimately will impact how much pension you receive from the gov.

It is not just his money. You have been married 17 years and born and raised his children. Don't go for less that half.

Think about it like this. He earns £160k per year so it won't be long until he is able to afford a nice house and all the luxuries again. You will not be earning anything close to that kind of money for the rest of your life (probably), this is your chance to make sure you and the kids get a fair, comfortable lifestyle. It won't hurt him if you're set up decently.

@NewShoesRub

Just came on to say you should claim child benefit and have him pay it back. Not claiming will impact your NI contributions and ultimately will impact how much pension you receive from the gov.

Here's a link about it

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/pensions/article-6500003/amp/Why-new-parent-claim-child-benefit-theyre-NOT-entitled.html

He saves it. He has an expensive car. He has a lot of money in premium bonds. Maybe £100k? On top of the savings.
We don’t live extravagantly now. We do go on holiday (pre covid times) but mainly in the U.K.

I live on my wages of £700 and I pay for a lot of things for the dc and for half the food shopping from that so I am not going out and buying anything I want.
However the difference is I know at the moment if the washing machine packed up we could replace it. If my car needs a new tyre we could replace it. That’s the big difference.

I think you’re feeling guilty about this? You have this idea that you’ll be unfair on him to choose to break up the marriage (which sounds unhappy and not fun for the kids) and then “take his money”. But he’s only been able to make all that money and achieve so much because he’s had a full time/part time caregiver for the kids in the form of you. Would he be earning that if he only worked term time and had had full care of the kids when they were babies? No.

I’m not saying “take him for a financial ride” I’m just saying your kids have a very very high earning parent, he’s bringing in more than 5 times the salary of a normal person. Should they be living a hand to mouth existence because of the way you as a couple chose to split their responsibilities when they were tiny? Have a mum working all hours or two jobs while their dad practically rolls around on gold like a dragon? It’s just not how things should work is it.

As mentioned, be prepared for him to say that he wants the DC 50/50. He can easily afford childcare to do this. Calculate your income on that assumption. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst financially, if you see what I mean.