Will I manage on this?

[Gatheryourtarten]

I have 3 primary dc and I’m considering leaving dh, he has a very well paid job (£160k plus) and I have a much lower paying part time job that fits more or less with the children. Prior to having the children I had a career but I stopped working for a few years.
I earn approx £700 a month. It is term time only too.
I think - based on dh having them every other weekend and one night in the week - he’d have to pay around £1k?
I’d get UC too.

I think all in it would be about £2,600? Plus child benefit which I don’t currently receive.
I have no savings, not much pension. I would get a share of the house. Dh has a large pension and about £60k in savings, maybe more.
I want as little as possible from him because that will be the least inflammatory way of splitting. He won’t want to give me anything.
Ideally I’d like to either not have a mortgage or only a small one.
Is this manageable or will I need more work? It’s hard right now to find anything more and youngest dc is only 3.

Op if this was the other way around he would be chasing you for half of everything. My mum and dad split last year. My mum had built up savings, and had a private pension which my dad didn't have, because they were married he got half the savings, which she handed over without any solicitors, and he is now chasing her for her pension.
You have done without enough to facilitate his earnings. Take what you are entitled to, for your children if not for yourself.

Firstly OP, I echo what others have said you’ve clearly brought a hell of a lot to the partnership and sacrificed your future earning potential because of it. Two additional things:

1. There is absolutely no way with the lifestyle you describe that he only has what you say in investments (unless he’s only become a high earner recently). There are more, you will have to look for them, subtley.

1. I’m not sure you increasing your earning potential right now will help you to get the best settlement so I wouldn’t.

@Gatheryourtarten I think the same as you, if you have no savings but you own your own home (maybe the one you are already in if it can be offset against his assets and any extra into a pension sharing.order - make sure you get copies of accounts and assets before mentioning divorce) i think you would be be able to claim benefits and work at the level you are, although if you get spousal maintenance this might affect benefits, but i dont think child maintenance does. Solicitors i have met have no clue about benefits and what you qualify for, so get this advice from elsewhere. This means that whilst you need to, you would have a secure home, possible pension pot and then in a couple of years when you are ready increase your work whilst still providing best care for your children, but you would.not necessarily need £1000 in maintenance if he plays silly beggars, but you would.not have the stress of meeting your mortgage/rent payments. Seek advice, but liquid assets may not necessarily work best for you.

I'm completely perplexed why you're worrying about UC. Whether you want to except it not your husbands money is your money. Whether you feel entitled to it or not, you're more entitled to that than UC.

Where does that feeling come from? Is that something he's told you, how you feel, cultural? Might be worth understanding why you feel that way and not like the advice you're being given here.

Just because he’s spend your marriage keeping the assets where you can’t access them, it doesn’t make them his assets.

And while a wife might choose to tolerate that, an ex wife shouldn’t.

It’s irrelevant that it’s you choosing to end the marriage. Indeed his behaviour might well have contributed to your decision.

Doesn’t change the fact that you own half the house, cash, investments, pension funds. Makes no odds how the money came into your family. It’s marital assets.

Don’t sell your kids short. Get what you should, for them. See a solicitor.

@Scrapper142 think you are missing my point.

You've got young children to think of and you damaged your career prospects - please think about going for more.
My mum got 100% of the house when no depends were involved so personally I think your setting your sights too low with 50%.

They aren't his savings. They are marital assets. So you have half a share of the savings (£160k), half the house (£350k) and half a pension pot (£300k?) So £400k?

Yes half is the default starting point, before the negotiations to establish what else you are entitled to begins.

Why should your children have a lower standard of living when with mum compared to when with dad? You aren’t being greedy. You aren’t being unreasonable to expect at least half. Seriously, protect your children. One day they will inherit from you. There is no guarantee their dad will leave them anything - and you won’t have any control over that. So assume the worst and protect the assets for their sakes.

Why is it OK to take money from taxes of complete strangers on very low wages but not OK to take money from your own husband who is their father.

There's some duff benefits information on this thread.

The house you live in is not included in the capital calculation. You'd be best advised to try and get the house mortgage free because support for mortgages on UC is minimal.
Child maintenance is disregarded too. But spousal maintenance isn't. That's a good reason for going for a clean break with the house for you.

If you have savings above £16k then you won't get UC.

Re. Child benefit - an earlier poster didn't have that quite right either. You claim it but opt not to receive it. That way your dh doesn't have to pay it on his tax return but you do get the credits towards state pension.

@Notcoolmum

They aren't his savings. They are marital assets. So you have half a share of the savings (£160k), half the house (£350k) and half a pension pot (£300k?) So £400k?

If he is earning that then I am surprised his pension pot is so low. You need to get a CETV.

Yes you can survive on that. I find it annoying you won't take what you are legally entitled to but are happy to take benefits. The reason you don't have a good pension, savings and job is you were making a home and freeing him up to pursue a big career. Just get a solicitor and get a proper financial split, don't be such a mug about it.

I am glad @MiddlesexGirl has confirmed what i thought. Also with child benefit, once you have decided to separate i believe you can claim it even if you are still living in the same house. Getting the child benefit in your name (you applying for it) is also important for reasons other than the money to do with cms but i cant remember why.

I think because I’ve had no access to any of the money as joint money when married it’s very difficult to see it as mine. Same with the house, it’s not in my name, therefore it doesn’t feel like mine.
And it doesn’t seem fair for me to instigate a split he won’t want and then on top of that take half his money. It seems horribly unfair.

@Gatheryourtarten

I don’t think the savings are mine at all because they are in his sole name. They may as well belong to a stranger tbh, that’s how little I feel they are mine, because they aren’t mine. His job has always paid a lot more. He has been able to save. His family is very wealthy and he is given £10k at Christmas each year - I don’t feel it’s mine.

Right.

But how about your kids? Aren't they entitled to access to his resources? Aren't they entitled to security, a good standard of living and the opportunities money brings?

You're effectively risking their inheritance and future because of some insane sense that the taxpayer owes you more than he does. If you take your actual legal share, you're better able to see them take up opportunities, see them through uni, set them up in life, make sure they inherit through you. If you don't, you're dependent on him doing the right thing - and he might not. Only if you take your share can you be sure you can use the money for them as you wish.

See a solicitor, take their advice, stop acting like a martyr. You could immolate yourself, but it's not ok to do your children out of what they're entitled to.

If his pension is worth close to, or more than, 350k they are likely to award you the house outright and him, the pension outright. Which is great but if solicitors want to push for more, THINK before you try to be 'too nice' as he will continue earning 160k a year and you will not. His pension will grow, yours not so much. It's not money grabbing...you are raising future tax payers and have taken a huge financial hit and that should be shared to a degree. Get thee to a solicitor ASAP xx

And...as previous poster says...think of your kids. If you want to be able to support them, it's far easier if you are not stressed out by poverty and exhausted. If you are horribly poor in retirement, they would need to support you. Let solicitors sort this out.

As @VivaMiltonKeynes says...his pension will turn out to be a lot higher in all probability too.

As for 'unfair'....what do you call leaving you every weekend to play golf? With 3 kids to care for!!!????

@Gatheryourtarten

I think because I’ve had no access to any of the money as joint money when married it’s very difficult to see it as mine. Same with the house, it’s not in my name, therefore it doesn’t feel like mine. And it doesn’t seem fair for me to instigate a split he won’t want and then on top of that take half his money. It seems horribly unfair.

He’s got to have children and someone to manage his home for many years without making much effort. He works. He plays golf. Family life doesn’t seem to disrupt his world too much. And he’s convinced his wife everything belongs to him. While she cannot earn because she’s raising his family.

There is a price for that privilege.

Maybe if he wasn’t treating you like this you wouldn’t be leaving. Cause. Effect.

And it doesn’t seem fair for me to instigate a split he won’t want and then on top of that take half his money. It seems horribly unfair

IT'S NOT HIS MONEY. HALF OF IT IS YOURS. You really need to reframe the way you're seeing this. This is how marriage works. Your assets are shared. He's been able to work outside of the home and amass this wealth as a direct consequence of YOU providing all childcare and housekeeping and PA duties. If it helps, have a mental tot up of what you would pay for an experienced staff member to take on all of these duties 24/7 with no holidays. Then imagine presenting him with that bill. You are more than owed half the assets.

And the point about taking from the taxpayer is bang on. I believe in taxes and the welfare system. I happily pay tax to support those who need financial assistance and to support very low earning families. I absolutely do NOT believe that it's fair for my taxes from my very ordinary earnings to pay for wealthy people who have willingly relinquished their money in some kind of martyr play. You own half of these assets. You are a wealthy woman. Please don't expect people who are on low wages themselves to pay for you so that you can give your own wealth away.

Why should I get to leave and then take half?

Because like your husband you've worked full time (as a care giver for the children) but unlike your husband you have also worked a part time job.

So you've worked way more than he has and have given up the opportunity to find a highly paid career because you haven't had the opportunity

Also you owe it to the children to ensure their standard of living remains equitable

Also, think about why he doesn't want to split. He clearly doesn't cherish you and treat you well, so it's not for romantic reasons or because he can't live without you etc.

The reason he doesn't want to split is because you are unpaid childcare, housekeeper, PA, concierge etc and there is no possible other method by which he could continue to grow his wealth without paying A LOT for these services or having to fend for himself at home and give up some access to his kids. He is not stupid. He knows it's much easier to financially abuse you to the point where you think he's actually being reasonable and fair. He's got the best of both worlds and you've got the worst. He's got the family and the high flying career without the need to share that wealth with you, and you've got all of the donkey work and sacrifice to your own earning potential that comes with being the child-rearing partner of a high flyer but without any of the trappings of success that should come with it.

It’s not his money, it’s family money. In law.

Think carefully about why you think that the what you have contributed to the family is worth less than your husband. Caring for 3 children day and night for years on end. Helping to develop, educate, comfort and support them and creating a nice home for them. Presumably taking on the majority of home-running. This is absolutely priceless, essential and valuable work that you have contributed, and finally facilitating your husband to have these lovely children and still further his career and become a high earner.

When you say ‘it’s his money, his pension’ I just feel like you are disregarding the huge and equal value of all you’ve done and want to continue doing in raising your children and considering it as ‘worthless’. Your contribution is equal and should be valued in a separation of assets.

OP, you are entitled to at least half of everything. Take it and stop being a martyr. You have "worked" as a housewife, mother, and have allowed him to progress and increase his stash. It sounds like he is financially controlling you. You will need a suitable home for your shared children. Go and see a solicitor.